Highly competitive parent vs non pushy parent!! Ugly scenes at kids football!! 😬

[PollyDolly88]

So I’m feeling pretty rubbish right now. We’ve just had our second time at Saturday morning football with my four year old and to say it didn’t go well would be an understatement. My husband and I both attended as after his first week there and he absolutely loved it and after seeing him get really stuck in we both were keen to see him play again.

Well, this morning our son decided he didn’t want to play or even attempt to join in so was left on the sidelines with me for most of the training session. This I wasn’t too fussed about as 4 is still very young and after a full week at school then perhaps he just felt a bit tired.

The real problem and issue was mine and my husbands reaction to this. It’s worth pointing out my husband is an ex professional athlete who from his old stories of training had things pretty tough and is of course highly competitive whereas although I’m slightly competitive I never did competitive sport so I don’t have that experience that has ultimately shaped him as a person.

I feel there were expectations put on our son even before he was born and with ever milestone came comparisons to his father. As my son has developed into his own person we have realised he doesn’t share the same passion for sports as his father and is more of a gentle child who loves what my husband would describe as “girly things”. I chose this kids football club as it praises itself on being uncompetitive and all about fun and a few of his friends play so I hoped he would enjoy it however when my son would not join in I saw my husband drag him into the football field screaming and insisting he does and to stop “being soft”. I tried to stop him, which in hindsight, probably made things worse as my son was visibly upset at this point and other parents were looking at us.

I asked my husband to let my son watch for a bit if he was upset after getting hit by a ball only for my husband to snap back he was “too soft” and tell me he “would be bringing him next week on his own” so he could deal with him. We have proceeded to have a quiet argument and exchanged some choice words with him ultimately saying I was the problem and I’m too soft with him and I don’t push him enough so what to we expect after I’ve let him be so clingy to me. I don’t feel this is completely true as although I would never drag my crying child onto a pitch I do encourage massively and said I was disappointed that he didn’t give joining in a go. As ridiculous as this sounds but me having to tell my son I wasn’t very happy that he didn’t at least try really upset me and it affected my son too as since we’ve come home he’s been making me things asking if “I’m happy now with him”. I massively regret saying I wasn’t happy or proud with him but in the heat of the moment I felt I had to show my husband I wasn’t being too softly prove a point. My son and I have an incredibly close bond so the whole situation has just really upset us both.

I honestly don’t know who is right or wrong in this scenario - maybe both of us in our own ways. I am desperate for my son to be involved in some sort of out of school activity but I hoped it would be a positive experience but I am doubting that my “softly softly” approach is the right way to go after today and whether my husband has a point. My mother in law is quite a cold person (no kisses or hugs as a child sort of thing) but a nice person but obviously pushed my husband hard as a child and he went on to achieve great things and saw his success provide him (and now us as a family) a wonderful comfortable life and he constantly thanks his mother’s for being so hard.

This is our first experience where we are seeing big clashes of parenting styles when it comes to sport and generally competitiveness and I don’t know how to deal with it at all. I don’t want a repeat performance of this morning so I need to find a way that both my husband and I can watch our son without it turning ugly. Competitive parent vs non pushy parent?! Tips please!!?!

I saw my husband drag him into the football field screaming and insisting he does and to stop “being soft” honestly this would have me seriously considering divorce.

If your husband is so worried about your son being bullied if he has dancing lessons, he could start by not being a bully himself.

I doubt your husband keeps this hideous behaviour for physical things alone and I also doubt he’s a kind man or a good partner in other ways. He sounds absolutely horrible. You need to consider how much of this vile behaviour you’re prepared to let your poor son put up with before you leave.

Omg he's only 4.

At that age they are just playing around, sometimes sitting out if they feel like it, it's supposed to be FUN and engaging for the kids.

Your husband is a horrible bully and will be putting your son off doing the activity at all.

The club and other parents will have been pretty horrified by your husband's behaviour - this is not what kids grassroots football at age 4 is about at all.

Your husband needs to butt out and not attend any more sessions.

Perhaps show your husband this thread? Loads of good advice, in a resounding chorus of ‘he’s wrong’. But only you know whether he’d take the constructive criticism, or whether he might kick off (at you). Time for a good think about the future. Good luck OP.

I would struggle to respect or love a man who behaved this way with my dc.

He sounds like a bully to the point where you are doubting yourself and saying things to your son you don't actually believe.

Your poor son, way to put him off sport forever

See apparently toxic masculinity isn't a thing and its just something women make up because we're all just misandrist shrews or something, but here we are toxic masculinity in action and it will be played out across sports fields all over the country this weekend.

It breaks my heart because developing a love for sport is a wonderful thing but I've seen so many dads living vicariously through their children and its not healthy.

4 is very young to be playing competitively, having a kick about, learning the skills can be lots of fun, and can lead to a real love of the game. I suggest take it slow, take him to soccer skills sessions which are lots of fun for little ones and maybe try for a team when hes a little older.

I think you were both wrong and there is a middle ground. Having a child who can just say “I don’t want to do that” and have a parent say “fine”, is just as damaging as having a parent who forces full participation when a child is struggling. When my daughter was that age we’d take a “give it a go” view. Let’s do 5 or 10 minutes and see how it goes, rather than just not trying.

What jumped out at me is “are you happy with me now”. That is a red flag. Kids should do stuff for its own reward and not to make their parents happy. Whenever my daughter asks if I am proud of her, I first ask if she is proud of herself. That’s what is important in life, being happy that you did something, not that you made someone else happy.

Quitting something you’ve had a go at is absolutely fine. Better than keeping going with something you don’t enjoy. Quitting without even giving it a go is not, especially if you are quitting because of one event which didn’t go as you expected.

He’s young yet and this is the first time you’ve come across this, but you and your husband need to get on the same page and that will take compromise from you both.

Your DH is behaving horribly. He should love your son unconditionally
Supporting a child in their love of a hobby is very different from trying to force and coerce them. We have a big swimming family near us. I remember when my DC was small the Grandmother and Mother were at the pool with small child. Child was sitting on the side crying whilst Grandmother was saying they wouldn't love the child if they didn't get in and try. The Mother looked uncomfortable but didn't speak up and my heart was breaking for the child
Do you want this for your son? Love should not be conditional

You need to make your DH aware that all organised club sport for children under 18 comes under the supervision of a Club Welfare or Safeguarding Officer.
Aggressive behaviour from any adult towards any child will not be tolerated. The adult will usually be spoken to about the ethos of the club, may be banned from attending or even reported to a County Safeguarding Officer.
A PP has mentioned a Code of Conduct for parents/caters, you need to look and see whether this is applicable to the sessions your DS has attended. The organisation running the sessions should also have a Safeguarding Policy.
If the incident today was as public as you described I would imagine DH’s behaviour may well have already been noted. He needs to know that the attitude that was acceptable years ago is certainly not acceptable today.
YANBU he is.

Great minds Foolsrule!

Your DH is being a bullying twat. It's very possible that he's acting like a bullying twat because this parents were bullying twats to him as a child and it's the only blueprint he has for being a father - wouldn't know. Don't care. Doesn't change the fact that he himself is behaving like a bullying twat.

Your child is 4 years old and needs one parent to actually look after his emotional well-being and best interests so I'd encourage you to work on your own self-belief and be that parent for him.

Also, I don't at all believe that your DH's problem with the idea of enrolling your DS in dance is that he fears your DS will be bullied. He's perfectly happy to bully your son all by himself so that reasoning doesn't wash with me at all. I would say your DH's actual problem with it is that he fears it will somehow reflect negatively on his own fragile masculinity and he lacks the genuine self-confidence and moral strength to brush off any (pretty rare) person who would take the piss out of him for his son's hobby.

Honestly, this had really pissed me off. What century is he living in?

You are right.
Your DH sounds abusive.

I can see a little bit of dh's side here. You said your DS was stood at the sidelines with you for most of the session. I work with 4 yos and I think they are old enough to know that if you're going you join in. If you don't want to go then you can say you don't want to go, but don't go and waste time. Also to be resilient if hit by a ball. Quick cuddle and then get on with it. I think your husband is being pushed more in the opposite direction to perhaps compensate for your over softness. I believe my dh and I had a similar dynamic with our Ds and it's done him no favours to be caught in the middle. I wish we could have agreed on a more middle ground rather than him being torn in opposite directions. I think it would be good to talk to your DS later in the week about if he still wants to go to football. If he says no and gets upset, that's fine, don't go for a bit and stop. If he says yes (and send to have forgotten today), then you can set some expectations eg you expect him to join in.

Dh has been abusive. And you know that you have let your son down - the marker for that is him asking you "Are you happy with me now?". Don't let your dh take him alone in the future. Looks like you are going to have to act as a barrier between your dh and your ds in these situations.

What I do disagree with is the way your dh is going about this. So, for example he can have an expectation that your son joins in but this needs to be dealt with calmly eg. If you don't want to join in we can go home. That would be age appropriate.

However, not: it's ok, you can just watch, just join in when you feel like it, it's ok, we can stand on the edge for the whole session if you want etc.

God 4 years old! He's still a baby, your husband is an abusive scumbag and no "good" father would ever do this to their child!

@MerryMarigold

What I do disagree with is the way your dh is going about this. So, for example he can have an expectation that your son joins in but this needs to be dealt with calmly eg. If you don't want to join in we can go home. That would be age appropriate.

However, not: it's ok, you can just watch, just join in when you feel like it, it's ok, we can stand on the edge for the whole session if you want etc.

Of course they can stand on the edge and observe. DH coaches a sport for 4&5 year olds and each week there is usually one child who stands at the side, it is totally normal, sometimes they end up joining in even if just for the games at the end, sometimes they won’t join in that week. They aren’t misbehaving and don’t need to be taken home, that’s a sure way to put them off an activity which is supposed to be a fun introduction to sport.

@MerryMarigold

I can see a little bit of dh's side here. You said your DS was stood at the sidelines with you for most of the session. I work with 4 yos and I think they are old enough to know that if you're going you join in. If you don't want to go then you can say you don't want to go, but don't go and waste time. Also to be resilient if hit by a ball. Quick cuddle and then get on with it. I think your husband is being pushed more in the opposite direction to perhaps compensate for your over softness. I believe my dh and I had a similar dynamic with our Ds and it's done him no favours to be caught in the middle. I wish we could have agreed on a more middle ground rather than him being torn in opposite directions. I think it would be good to talk to your DS later in the week about if he still wants to go to football. If he says no and gets upset, that's fine, don't go for a bit and stop. If he says yes (and send to have forgotten today), then you can set some expectations eg you expect him to join in.

I really disagree with telling children to get hit by a ball to just suck it up and keep playing at that age. I see it again and again at football with dads and coaches saying 'breath, suck it up, it doesn't hurt, don't cry'. Being hit in the gut or the face by a football at that age fucking hurts and you are essentially telling kids it's not alright to show pain and inconvenience others by your display of emotions. Fast forward a few years and you get boys who think the only negative emotion you are allowed to display as a male is anger because anything else is wrong.

However, not: it's ok, you can just watch, just join in when you feel like it, it's ok, we can stand on the edge for the whole session if you want etc.

Why isn't that ok?

Your husband is a knob. And will likely get thrown out of the club - I have removed parents at a scout football event for similar behaviour.

That’s really sad. I remember my mum making me go to a dance class that hated. I was only 6/7. Every week I’d say I felt sick/had a headache/feign illness to get me out of it. Eventually my very gentle grandparent who knew how I felt, spoke to my mum about me hating it. My mum made me tell the dance teacher I wouldn’t be coming back because I didn’t like it. I remember her prodding me in the back saying “go on! Tell her”. Horrible.

My husband loves football and did lots of activities similar when he was younger. We tried our 4 year old in a football class- he walked around with the cones on his head. Didn’t send him back when he told us he didn’t like it. Now he does dancing twice a week. Whilst I’m sure, secretly, my husband would prefer he didn’t, he gets up early helps him get him dance t shirt on a happily takes him. Because he just wants to see him happy, doing something he enjoys.

@AnotherEmma

Your husband is not just competitive, he's a bully, and he's going to do a lot of damage to your child with his emotional abuse.

Protect your child.

This ^ x 1,000,000 times

Please don't let your husband take your son on his own next week. I don't understand why he thinks it is acceptable to bully and shout at a 4 year old !?!?!?

your husband is a bully
he will damage your child if he speaks to him like that about anything

if he cannot see that as a parent i would suggest you look at leaving him or at the least some counselling underyake some parenting course...

you need to protect your son ... he is very young :(

This is not a question of different parenting styles. Your husband is being abusive to your son.

I’ve tried and tried to explain to my husband that shouting, shaming and forcing him to do things just makes it all 100% worse but I get the usual tut and “stop being so sensitive” line. This happens in swimming, riding his bike and it’s a sad situation and I find myself trying to do it when he’s out etc which is awful as I feel we both should be helping him.

Please stop saying he's a great dad 'other than this'. You're basically saying that 'other than' bullying a four year old, manhandling him and being disappointed he isn't a carbon copy of himself... he's a great dad? That doesn't make sense does it?

I would be so embarrassed to witness a grown man bullying a four year old child. What a pathetic specimen he is.

He could do untold damage to your son's self esteem and potential. What a wanker.

Do you really want to share your life and your bed with a man who bullies a kid?