Highly competitive parent vs non pushy parent!! Ugly scenes at kids football!! 😬

[PollyDolly88]

So I’m feeling pretty rubbish right now. We’ve just had our second time at Saturday morning football with my four year old and to say it didn’t go well would be an understatement. My husband and I both attended as after his first week there and he absolutely loved it and after seeing him get really stuck in we both were keen to see him play again.

Well, this morning our son decided he didn’t want to play or even attempt to join in so was left on the sidelines with me for most of the training session. This I wasn’t too fussed about as 4 is still very young and after a full week at school then perhaps he just felt a bit tired.

The real problem and issue was mine and my husbands reaction to this. It’s worth pointing out my husband is an ex professional athlete who from his old stories of training had things pretty tough and is of course highly competitive whereas although I’m slightly competitive I never did competitive sport so I don’t have that experience that has ultimately shaped him as a person.

I feel there were expectations put on our son even before he was born and with ever milestone came comparisons to his father. As my son has developed into his own person we have realised he doesn’t share the same passion for sports as his father and is more of a gentle child who loves what my husband would describe as “girly things”. I chose this kids football club as it praises itself on being uncompetitive and all about fun and a few of his friends play so I hoped he would enjoy it however when my son would not join in I saw my husband drag him into the football field screaming and insisting he does and to stop “being soft”. I tried to stop him, which in hindsight, probably made things worse as my son was visibly upset at this point and other parents were looking at us.

I asked my husband to let my son watch for a bit if he was upset after getting hit by a ball only for my husband to snap back he was “too soft” and tell me he “would be bringing him next week on his own” so he could deal with him. We have proceeded to have a quiet argument and exchanged some choice words with him ultimately saying I was the problem and I’m too soft with him and I don’t push him enough so what to we expect after I’ve let him be so clingy to me. I don’t feel this is completely true as although I would never drag my crying child onto a pitch I do encourage massively and said I was disappointed that he didn’t give joining in a go. As ridiculous as this sounds but me having to tell my son I wasn’t very happy that he didn’t at least try really upset me and it affected my son too as since we’ve come home he’s been making me things asking if “I’m happy now with him”. I massively regret saying I wasn’t happy or proud with him but in the heat of the moment I felt I had to show my husband I wasn’t being too softly prove a point. My son and I have an incredibly close bond so the whole situation has just really upset us both.

I honestly don’t know who is right or wrong in this scenario - maybe both of us in our own ways. I am desperate for my son to be involved in some sort of out of school activity but I hoped it would be a positive experience but I am doubting that my “softly softly” approach is the right way to go after today and whether my husband has a point. My mother in law is quite a cold person (no kisses or hugs as a child sort of thing) but a nice person but obviously pushed my husband hard as a child and he went on to achieve great things and saw his success provide him (and now us as a family) a wonderful comfortable life and he constantly thanks his mother’s for being so hard.

This is our first experience where we are seeing big clashes of parenting styles when it comes to sport and generally competitiveness and I don’t know how to deal with it at all. I don’t want a repeat performance of this morning so I need to find a way that both my husband and I can watch our son without it turning ugly. Competitive parent vs non pushy parent?! Tips please!!?!

I'm guessing that your husband would say he was raised like this and it did no harm. You need to keep reminding yourself that it clearly did do harm - he's now an adult who bullies four year olds.

How is he towards you? I find it hard to imagine that his incredibly regressive and aggressive traits don't come out in other ways.

My son did ballet and modern as a younger child and gymnastics alongside football and swimming. He wanted to do them all. At first my ex rugby player husband did have a worry about bullying but the other kids just accepted it was something he did and he never was.

However your husband's stance on things are more likely to put your son off football than to make him want to play. He is very young still. Having had 3 boys go through clubs over a number of years you see some come to it later whether that is 7, 9, 11 or 14 who didnt like it when they were younger and some of the "good" players go off it too.

Your husband does probably need to back off and go with the flow and he may find it does more good.

your oh sounds ridiculous

@NoSquirrels

I didn’t know if I was going to get someone post that perhaps forcing them to do something actually helped them in the long run but I guess that’s a fantasy my husband likes to think is true.

There are stages with children where the practice feels too hard, or boring, or they just fancy staying home that day, when you have to ‘force’ them to go because of commitment and work ethic and resilience and being a team player or whatever. But not at a 4-year-old’s second Saturday football class.

Completely agree

At 4 my DD2 refused to participate in swimming classes, just entertained herself on the edge of class, while the other children did as the teacher asked.
A few years later she was in a competitive squad. Once she decided to apply herself, it was discovered she had a talent for swimming.
I am glad I never forced her, but also, that we went every week to give her some skills and the opportunity to participate. ( even though I felt like I was waiting money for 18 months).
Go along each week and let him participate or not, as he feels able.

Your husband is a nasty bully who is trying to live his life through a 4 year old child. Your son will probably remember this episode for his whole life much like the other posters on this thread. I have boys and let them choose who they want to be, individuality is a beautiful thing.

As an aside please don’t tell your son that you are diss appointed in him, he is 4 years old and sometimes 4 year olds need to sit and watch a whole before gaining confidence to join in. Stop shaming the poor thing.

Awful reaction from your DH. He’s probably set back any chance of your son seeing football in a positive light quite significantly by his huge overreaction. I’d be surprised if your son even wants to go back next week.

Your husband is not just competitive, he's a bully, and he's going to do a lot of damage to your child with his emotional abuse.

Protect your child.

My DS loves football now (aged 7) and runs off to join his teammates without a backwards glance but aged 4 he was very similar to your DS- I used to spend large portions of training sessions with my DS sat on my knee or him only wanting to play if I could stand next to him. His Dad wasn’t happy about it and took a tougher approach than I did, although not quite as strong as your husband, which caused so many arguments.

As he got older, his confidence grew naturally. Your DS will join in when he’s ready (assuming he does actually enjoy football!) but your husband’s approach is likely to breed resentment and may actually knock your DS’s confidence

He’s wrong to behave like that and put such expectations on a 4 year old child
It’s just going to switch the little one off to sports not encourage him
he’s now likely “that parent” to any others who witnessed his behaviour and he should be embarrassed

I agree with pp's, your DH's behaviour is not competitive, it's abusive.
Your child is so young, probably tired from school and some kids take a while to settle into an activity, even if they love it.
Trust your instincts and let your DS get involved when he's ready.
At this stage, sport should be fun.
If your DH can't see that, then he's been utterly ruined by his upbringing, no matter how 'successful' it made him.

I was forced to do certain sports growing up , now I actually hate them now , we giving our soon 3 year old different stuff to try but would never force anything on her

I played level below professional rugby

'Too soft' on a four year old? He sounds like a prick.

If your husband did that at any kids football club here he would be spoken to and banned if it ever happened again. There is usually a parents code of conduct and this behaviour would fall far short. Further more, as you move up age groups and it is more competitive I have seen very good players turned down because of their parents attitude towards the player and aggressive outbursts.

Your husband is wrong and you are right. My eldest hated football at 4 and wouldn’t play at all. No interest. We stopped classes. At 7 he started playing and he has lived and breathed it since, he’s now at uni. If he ends up loving it, great. If not great too

This pushy cold parenting can obviously work and produce kids who excel. All of the children in our tennis club who play at a high level have parents like this. It worked for Amy Chua too.
It is not a parenting style I embrace. I would just sit on the sidelines with mine until they chose to join in.

Your kid is only four years old. No sporting team should be teaching “tough love” at four. Was your husband raised in the 1950’s? Maybe you could speak to the coach and get them to speak to your DH about how things are done “these days”… they might mention that abusive parents get banned.

Your husband is not a good dad. He is a bullying arsehole. Your son is only 4, he’s a very young child, and needs loving encouragement in new situations, not the aggressive behaviour your husband has shown.

Honestly, I‘d be having a good long look at the relationship.

At four it is all about trying lots of things to see where their interests and talents lie. Being forced like this will either put him off completely, or make him do it even if it is not what he wants, to desperately try to fit into the kind of person his Dad thinks he should be. Neither would be good for your DS. Your DH really needs to back off with his expectations, and let your DS work out who he is and what he wants to do. I'm all for encouragement, but bloody hell that sounds awful.

I think you are under reacting, your husband sounds an abusive bully. He is 4 years old!

@MiddlesexGirl

You are right. He is wrong.

this. In spades. For me its the hill I'd die on.

Your husband is failing as a dad. His behaviour is despicable. He needs to love the child he has, or your son is going to be in for a miserable childhood.

Your poor boy. Please fight his corner, don't let your husband bully you too.

Your child is FOUR years old! Four!

He is way too young to be playing organised sport. If your husband has no understanding of four year old children, then you need to be an advocate for him. You need to withdraw him from this team until he WANTS to do it. Quite frankly I wouldn't let him join a football team for another five or six years at least and I speak from experience!

Your husband is a bully!

Maybe your partner should take a look at this. I’m be surprised if the club’s welfare officer hadn’t noticed and taken action behind the scenes.