Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

AIBU? My husband and his spare time.

60 replies

Frustratedmother · 01/10/2021 18:50

Hello! Please let me know if this should be moved etc. First post from a lurker of 8 years.

I’m married, stay at home/carer to my son who is 8 and autistic. My husband (not my boys father but has been in his life since he was 2) has 3 children from his past relationship. They live 180miles away. Every day he plays Fortnite (🙄) with them when he gets home from work. From 5.30 - 7. Some nights I’ll moan that I need him to do something, so he won’t play. And then the next day he’ll go on for the entire evening ‘to make it up to them’

I know I probably sound harsh but honestly having a grown man sitting in the bedroom playing computer games with his children for sometimes 5 hours per evening, is getting really annoying.

I’m aware he needs contact with his children. And some nights he doesn’t play… but AIBU to be annoyed about it?

For instance today he finished work at 3. Went on the computer at 4.:. And he’s still on there now with no sign of coming off. I’ve been entertaining my son all day and cooking/cleaning/washing as well as taking son out with dog etc.

I don’t know if I’m just moaning for the sake of it and it’s making me sad. Some people have told me I should appreciate the fact that he’s in and not at the pub. But honestly he may as well be.

OP posts:
modgepodge · 01/10/2021 19:44

I mean it’s good that he’s maintaining a relationship with his other children who live far away, but when is he seeing the child he lives with?! It does sound a bit excessive I have to say.

HouseOfFire · 01/10/2021 19:48

Some people have told me I should appreciate the fact that he’s in and not at the pub. But honestly he may as well be.

And those people are idiots

How many nights?

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 01/10/2021 19:48

So he spends and hour and a half each night gaming with his children? Nothing wrong with that. I

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Brollywasntneededafterall · 01/10/2021 19:50

Hardly a deep and meaningful relationship developing strategy surely?

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 01/10/2021 19:52

Hardly a deep and meaningful relationship developing strategy surely?
Why? Because it happens to be gaming? I spend time gaming with my children and DS1 would love it if his dad could be arsed to play online with him sometimes. Just because it's not a hobby you choose doesn't mean they can't bond over it.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 01/10/2021 21:43

Not even in the same address??!

Lettitbee · 01/10/2021 21:48

I couldn't live with that. Does he ever do anything around the house, or spend time talking to your and your son about your days? I think this is more about him enjoying gaming, and with the brilliant excuse that he is in fact actually parenting! Great way to get out of family life.

HouseOfFire · 01/10/2021 21:53

Every night - you have a problem

2 or 3 nights, theres no problem

Until OP comes back to clarify, there is no way of saying

HouseOfFire · 01/10/2021 21:56

and here is why is it so important to read the OP
Every day he plays Fortnite (🙄) with them when he gets home from work. From 5.30 - 7. Some nights I’ll moan that I need him to do something, so he won’t play. And then the next day he’ll go on for the entire evening ‘to make it up to them’

And some nights he doesn’t play

OK - thats too much really, like others have said (unless the some nights are 4 a week!) - he needs to have time with both sets of DC

Why does he live so far away?
Does he actually see them?
Did he move away, or did the mum move away?

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 01/10/2021 21:57

I think this is more about him enjoying gaming, so what if he does? An hour and a half each night is no big deal

CrystalMaisie · 01/10/2021 22:17

Does he spend an equal amount of quality time with you and your son?

TinaYouFatLard · 01/10/2021 22:26

@CrystalMaisie

Does he spend an equal amount of quality time with you and your son?
He LIVES WITH the OP and her son. His own children are 180 miles away and the OP begrudges him giving them 1.5 hours of virtual time each day. It’s certainly less than ideal - he should be spending real time with his DC.

I would be thinking he’s a bit shit for being so far from his DC, not for making an attempt to spend (virtual) time with them.

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 01/10/2021 22:27

He LIVES WITH the OP and her son. His own children are 180 miles away and the OP begrudges him giving them 1.5 hours of virtual time each day

Exactly.

Voice0fReason · 01/10/2021 22:31

It really depends on how much time he is spending doing this.
3-4 evenings a week sounds lovely. More than that is probably too much.

Original poster
Frustratedmother · 01/10/2021 22:58

Hi guys.

His children live with their mother. He split from her in 2016 and moved ‘here’
He hadn’t really had any kind of relationship with them and I always thought it was odd. Then as soon as they started gaming, he became interested. He sees them twice a year (which I also find odd. But when I bring it up he gets mad at me)

The gaming is every night. And then he’ll have Saturday off or something. He doesn’t do anything around the house. The bedroom is littered with sweet wrappers. We are in our 30’s (I’m older)

I like him having a relationship with his kids now. But not every single night. Tonight was for 4 hours. He didn’t see DS at all really tonight. I had a moan and he just said he wouldn’t play tomorrow (it’s DS birthday)

OP posts:
HerRoyalRisesAgain · 01/10/2021 23:00

The problem isn't the gaming the problem is he's lazy and does naff all.

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 01/10/2021 23:03

I mean, what do you actually see in him? He's lazy, doesn't spend any actual time with his own children but you expect him to spend time with yours? Leaves his shit everywhere and expects you to pick it up. The gaming is just what you've honed in on as the problem, but it isn't its everything else. I couldn't be with a man who saw his kids twice a year.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/10/2021 23:05

He hadn’t really had any kind of relationship with them and I always thought it was odd

But not odd enough to deter you from building a life with him?

2020isnotbehaving · 01/10/2021 23:09

He has 3 relationships he needs keep spinning. His kids, your son and you. All great he wants spend time with his kids but if that means your son rarely sees him and never has time together he’s not going have any sort of decent relationship with him. Only going cause problems as the teens approach. I would feel neglected after being in house all day and doing childcare to not have time for meal chat and spending at least some evenings together.

Original poster
Frustratedmother · 01/10/2021 23:10

Honestly my track record isn’t great. I’m autistic and I seem to be terrible at who I chose to spend my life with. I get that’s a problem, I’m working on resolving it.

I mean we get on fine. We have a laugh. But I do sometimes wonder is this it?

The gaming isn’t really an issue. Each to their own… I don’t game myself and neither does my son. But he doesn’t like going out taking pictures of wildlife, whereas I do. He doesn’t judge me for that and I don’t judge him for his gaming.
It’s just that it’s taken quite seriously now… he’s locked in the room with headphones and monitor he spent loads of money on, along with this posh PC. He’s just kind of locked away, deaf to us.

But yeah you’re right. It’s not just that that is the problem.

OP posts:
CarolinaInMyMind · 01/10/2021 23:14

Oof. would hate this and judge harshly and lose respect

MichelleScarn · 02/10/2021 06:51

He LIVES WITH the OP and her son. His own children are 180 miles away and the OP begrudges him giving them 1.5 hours of virtual time each day

Exactly if they were facetiming and doing lego or a jigsaw would there be this attitude?
Is your dc at school? Does he work? If your a sahm have all your benefits now been assessed/stopped due to his income?

MichelleScarn · 02/10/2021 06:52

Sorry just meaning to use the 'ducks in a row' phrase because if you do split the change to UC could be hard.

PairOfPears · 02/10/2021 07:02

Gaming clearly a red herring here, sounds like he is conveniently busy with his other DC at a time of day when you need help with preparing the evening meal, sorting bedtime for your shared DS, tidying up from the day and that you’re generally not feeling supported by him.

This is what you need to talk to him about, leave the gaming out of it.

Original poster
Frustratedmother · 02/10/2021 07:07

I don’t know why benefits have been bought into it or what it has to do with anything but I’m happy to talk about it to any busy body whose life it effects in some way… my son doesn’t go to into school but we have online schooling. We receive disability allowance and carers allowance and my partner works full time. The benefits system is well aware of that.

OP posts: