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Parenting

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Original poster

AIBU? My husband and his spare time.

60 replies

Frustratedmother · 01/10/2021 18:50

Hello! Please let me know if this should be moved etc. First post from a lurker of 8 years.

I’m married, stay at home/carer to my son who is 8 and autistic. My husband (not my boys father but has been in his life since he was 2) has 3 children from his past relationship. They live 180miles away. Every day he plays Fortnite (🙄) with them when he gets home from work. From 5.30 - 7. Some nights I’ll moan that I need him to do something, so he won’t play. And then the next day he’ll go on for the entire evening ‘to make it up to them’

I know I probably sound harsh but honestly having a grown man sitting in the bedroom playing computer games with his children for sometimes 5 hours per evening, is getting really annoying.

I’m aware he needs contact with his children. And some nights he doesn’t play… but AIBU to be annoyed about it?

For instance today he finished work at 3. Went on the computer at 4.:. And he’s still on there now with no sign of coming off. I’ve been entertaining my son all day and cooking/cleaning/washing as well as taking son out with dog etc.

I don’t know if I’m just moaning for the sake of it and it’s making me sad. Some people have told me I should appreciate the fact that he’s in and not at the pub. But honestly he may as well be.

OP posts:

Simonjt · 02/10/2021 07:07

@PairOfPears

Gaming clearly a red herring here, sounds like he is conveniently busy with his other DC at a time of day when you need help with preparing the evening meal, sorting bedtime for your shared DS, tidying up from the day and that you’re generally not feeling supported by him.

This is what you need to talk to him about, leave the gaming out of it.

To be fair OPs son isn’t her husbands child, we wouldn’t be expected a step mum to be sorting bedtime, so we shouldn’t be expecting it from a step dad.

Original poster

Frustratedmother · 02/10/2021 07:08

MichelleScarn
I can tell by your tone that I’ve rubbed you up the wrong way somehow, just by being on an Internet forum.
There is no ‘attitude’
The gaming doesn’t bother me, it’s him not being present.

OP posts:

Original poster

Frustratedmother · 02/10/2021 07:09

When his children stay with us, I cook and assist with bed times. I thought it worked both ways.

OP posts:

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OverTheRubicon · 02/10/2021 07:09

The people getting defensive about gaming are missing the point.

I like gaming with my DCs, but wouldn't be able to do it every night or from 3-7pm , because there would be other family responsibilities like school pickup, making dinner, spending physical time with younger DCs. It sounds like this gaming is fun for him, while conveniently getting him out of any of the evening routine and presumably avoiding spending much or any in-person time with his youngest before his bedtime.

He's a crap dad to the kids he only sees in person twice a year and is pretty much using as a gaming team/distraction, and he's a crap dad to the son he lives with and ignores.

OverTheRubicon · 02/10/2021 07:12

Ah I do recall he's not your youngest's father which does change things a bit - but not that much, if he's been in his life since 2 you'd hope bed be a decent enough stepdad and husband to join for dinner / cook dinner sometimes, and not see it as a special thing that he'd avoid gaming on the birthday of a child he lives with.

Is it required that your son is homeschooled? Do you get carers allowance or have other financial backing? If things are bad, it feels like you have limited ability to move on.

Ragwort · 02/10/2021 07:13

The whole relationship sounds odd, I don't think I could respect a man who moved away from his DC and only saw them twice a year? If he was spending time with his own DC every night, seeing them after school for example, would that be a problem?

Get rid ... enjoy the peace and quiet with your own DS. Sounds like yet another man seeking out a single mum to provide him with 'home comforts'.

Twattergy · 02/10/2021 07:13

It's extremely antisocial, despite it also being nice for his other kids. If it was me I'd agree set days for it, two, max 3 weekday nights and one weekend night?

Original poster

Frustratedmother · 02/10/2021 07:22

Twattergy Yes, that’s fine what I have suggested but it works for a week and then he somehow gets longer and longer on there again. Often getting very defensive if I bring it up.

I’m not relying on him for money, I have good support and I can leave and stay elsewhere. I just find it difficult that’s all.

I think I get the gist of what most are saying on here. I’m clearly not happy I guess. Thanks all for your comments.

OP posts:

Original poster

Frustratedmother · 02/10/2021 07:24

DS father sadly passed when he was 1.DH came into his life early and he sees him as a father figure really.

OP posts:

Therealjudgejudy · 02/10/2021 07:26

You knew he had no relationship with his own kids when you chose to live with him. That should have told you alot about him from the start.

If you don't like how he maintains his relationship with his kids now than you should split and leave him to parent how he sees fit.

Buffoonborisisatwat · 02/10/2021 07:29

You are essentially a single mother with a lodger. Move on.

MichelleScarn · 02/10/2021 07:30

@Frustratedmother

MichelleScarn I can tell by your tone that I’ve rubbed you up the wrong way somehow, just by being on an Internet forum. There is no ‘attitude’ The gaming doesn’t bother me, it’s him not being present.

Nope, not at all, I was actually trying to help you re this by looking at a bigger picture of things. As people are advising you to split given you seem to not be happy so this would then affect things. That makes no sense the gaming doesn't bother me, it's him being not present How can he be present if he's gaming, but you're OK about the gaming?

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 02/10/2021 07:33

Going for a different tack-that’s too much gaming for kids.
I also couldn’t respect a man who only takes an interest in his kids when they have a similar interest, or cba to go and see them.
Anyway, the main point, are you happy? No, bin him off.

NewlySingle2021 · 02/10/2021 07:38

Gaming was one of the reasons my H and I split. He thought because he was physically in the house I should be grateful. It's hard to explain how shit it is. I too hated the fancy headphones etc because it really does isolate the gamer from the family. But one hour creeps into the next and then you are cast into the role of mummy giving time limits, or a moaner/nagger asking them to spend time in the real world.

It's nice he is playing with his kids, but you went into a relationship where he saw them rarely. The rights and wrongs of that aren't up for debate. The point is he's changed the status quo. If say you had step-kids who suddenly started coming round 3-5 hours every afternoon and evening taking your partner's full undivided attention, I bet a lot of posters saying gaming is fine would actually have a lot to say. And what does your child together get currently? It seems very unfair.

I told my H to find a balance between online and me and our kids. But it never lasted. As another poster said, you end up with a lodger not a partner.

felulageller · 02/10/2021 07:41

You aren't getting anything from this relationship and your ds is also being rejected.

Move on and find a real dad for him and a real DP for you.

westcountryboy · 02/10/2021 07:42

The gaming wouldn't be the biggest factor for me either, it's good that his kids have a way to connect with him.

I wouldn't want to be with him because he's a shit dad who moved a couple of hundred miles away and can't be bothered to see them.

He sounds like a lazy, inconsiderate shit and I recommend looking at ways to get him out of your life.

Namechangeforthis88 · 02/10/2021 07:42

Is it definitely his kids he's gaming with?

Somewhere there is a household with 3 gaming PCs, 3 children who are all into gaming, specifically Fortnite, and all spend hours online playing Fortnite most days?

It's far too much gaming for those kids, if this is true.

Do you know how old they are?

GoodnightGrandma · 02/10/2021 07:47

He isn’t your son’s father, so I’m going to excuse him not doing anything with him, although he’s in the boy’s life so he should interact with him at some level.
The question is whether he’s doing his share around the house, and if he’s putting enough into your relationship. It sounds like he isn’t, so it’s time to split then.

HalzTangz · 02/10/2021 07:47

@HerRoyalRisesAgain

I think this is more about him enjoying gaming, so what if he does? An hour and a half each night is no big deal

It is if you spend no time with the child or partner. I would imagine the child in the house is practically in bed by the time he comes off the computer. He needs to compromise, and for me that would be he comes home, has tea, helps around the house, plays with the boy. Then goes and plays on the PC for a couple of hours.

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 02/10/2021 07:48

Somewhere there is a household with 3 gaming PCs, 3 children who are all into gaming, specifically Fortnite, and all spend hours online playing Fortnite most days?

Or they all get half an hour each online with their dad seeing as he plays for an hour and a half each night...

HalzTangz · 02/10/2021 07:54

Rubbish. When a step mum or dad moves in with a partner with a child they should step up and help with that child ..
I really don't get the mentality that step parents shouldn't do any parenting with the SC they live with

Original poster

Frustratedmother · 02/10/2021 07:55

Yes his children are 7 (they don’t play any games, therefore currently he barely has any contact with her)
The older 2 are 10 and 13. I should probably mention that he spends a lot of time on the game just barking orders at them, or shouting at them because they ‘stole’ his loot etc.
Every time I think this isn’t normal I try and remain non judgemental and accept that everybody has different ways of living. But I guess I just can’t accept living this way.
With regards to how I feel about the gaming - I don’t mind if it’s an hour per day with them, with maybe a day off in the week and weekend off or something. But sometimes it’s pushing 3 hours per day. He comes off the game, DS will already be asleep, I will have already cooked and cleaned. He just eats his dinner and then we sit watching tv. Which I’m not going to complain about… I do like his company.

If it were different and he had an hour long phone call with them every night. Or went to see them every weekend… I wouldn’t complain. Same with an hour of gaming. It’s just that it’s gone too far in my opinion… and then me being shouted at it I say anything about it.

Hope I’m making sense. Probably not 🤣 but I’ll try and answer any questions

I know it was silly of me when I knew he didn’t have much contact with his children. Honestly when we met I was grieving for DS’s son still and it all happened very quickly. I felt safe and less alone again when I met him. I feel bad that I’ve caused us all to be in this situation now where I will inevitably end up walking away.

OP posts:

MakingM · 02/10/2021 08:07

“I feel bad that I’ve caused us all to be in this situation now where I will inevitably end up walking away.”

There’s no need to feel bad @Frustratedmother. These things come and go in their own time and for their own reasons.

I tend to think gaming is a fine way for him to spend time with his children who live far away and I’m not keen on gaming either but shouting about loot does seem to be enjoyable for the people who do it.

If you want to spend more time with him then you could ask if you could game as a family a couple of nights maybe on a different game, and perhaps spend a couple of nights as a family on the nature walks you like (getting him out of the house). If that is too demanding for him, or you, then you probably aren’t well suited anymore.

If the relationship has passed its time that’s just the way it is.

Sparkletastic · 02/10/2021 08:11

Whatever way you cut it he sounds like a shit dad to his own children and a shit father figure to yours. I'd make plans to end the relationship.

Maskless · 02/10/2021 08:18

@PairOfPears

This is what you need to talk to him about, leave the gaming out of it.

The above, AND I would add...

The reason he is gaming is because he loves gaming. Nothing to do with wanting to interact with his kids. He's using them as a way to deflect any criticism from you.

Get rid. He is a man-child.

If you cannot get rid, then at least lay down the law to him that he can have only (say) 2 nights a week gaming.

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