What would you have done in this situation? 5 year old behaviour

[User9911]

Took 5 year old to trampoline park, just me and her. Had a lovely time - spent quality 1-1 time with her. Got her a chocolate and a slush puppy. As we were getting ready to leave she asked if she could play a game to try to win a teddy. I explained that chances are she wouldn’t win - she understood and said that was ok.

Of course she didn’t win and I said she could have one more pound. She could either try again or buy a small £1 toy. She asked to buy the small toy.

As soon as the toy dropped out, she picked it up, didn’t open it and said she didn’t want it. She asked for another pound. I said no, it was time to go now.

She sat down in the trampoline place and said I’m not going. She went into my bag and tried to get my purse to take another pound. I got the bag, remained calm and said I was leaving. She refused to move and so I walked towards the door. She eventually followed, screaming the place down.

we got into the car park and again she refused to walk to the car. It was busy with cars so I tried to encourage her to walk. She walked a bit then sat down in the middle of the car park.

By now I was very angry. I told her if she did not get up she would be in big trouble. She eventually got up and came to the car. I opened the door and she refused to get in. I lifted her in and she was trying violently to get out the car. Refused to let me get her seat belt on. Said she would take the seat belt off.

I was so incredibly angry by now I strapped her in and said she was very ungrateful. I sat in my seat to drive off and she started attacking me from behind. All because I didn’t buy her another toy.

I threw her toy away and told her it was gone as she was ungrateful.

I’m now feeling like I over reacted but would like some reassurance.

Her behaviour is getting completely out of control and i feel like I am too.

What would you have done?

I think what you did was fine

Completely fine and probably would have done exactly the same in your situation.

Thanks that makes me feel a little better. She has told everyone she met today “my mum bought me a toy yesterday but then she threw it away” and i am feeling awful.

I think all I would have done differently is tried and failed not to show my anger, and kept the toy somewhere hidden as a treat for another time.
But that's in hindsight. Toddlers can be buggers.

Overreacted? Sounds like you could have reacted more tbf. I appreciate you didn’t want to spoil a lovely day, but serious words needed to start at didn’t open it and said she didn’t want it

(and 5 year olds too...)

I think you were very calm and handled it ok.
I would have threatened my slipper to her when we got home 😉😉 and lots of swearing under my breath I'm joking about the slipper

I'd have done the same. As for her comments today I would have added "yes I did because you hit me and screamed at me after I bought you that toy. "

Don’t feel awful!!!

If it is still clearly something she is thinking about and being vocal about, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with talking to her about how she behaved and how it made you feel. Have a conversation with her about it?

I would be telling her if she has a tantrum about not getting enough toys in future she won't get any at all

Ime after school expecting dc to be nice is unachievable..
Ds7 declared on Friday he would in future be having a nap every day as 6 hours a day in school is hard!!

I would have done the same as you OP! Except I wouldn't have thrown the toy away but would just have saved it for another time.

I wouldn't have given my 5 year old a hot chocolate AND a slush puppy - there's a sugar disaster waiting to happen, and it did!

5 year old brains are chaos. She had a perfectly normal Reaction to an adrenaline high activity, which was followed by a massive sugar rush. In my opinion you're asking for trouble, so then punishing her by throwing away the toy isn't fair.

When my 5 year old Kicks off, I listen to her, stay close and find that repeating her 'woe' diffuses the situation. So if she's crying about not wanting the toy, I repeat it back to her so she knows I've understood her. I hold boundaries, I won't give in, but I hold clear boundaries.

You are the calm in their storm.

When she said she wasn't leaving, I'd have picked her up. Appreciate not always possible if you have a physical issue. Even if you'd left her to follow you there, by the time she was around cars refusing to move I'd have carried her.

You say she attacked you as you drove - what actually happened?

I try not to use the g word because I don't think they really get it at this age so I'd have tried to use something like unkind

But we're all perfect parents in hindsight and when it's not our kida

We've all been there, so do not feel singled out!

The key (and not so easy of course) is to stay mega-calm. If you mirror their out-of-emotional-control behaviour they will get worse........mainly because that is frightening for them. Being out of control is scary of itself, but if the adult in your life, whom you rely on for all your support, is also out of control then that is terrifying.

Her behaviour is getting completely out of control and i feel like I am too. The act that you recognise this is great.

In the past I have sometimes given the child a curious look and started to laugh ... said something along the lines of Well you are a funny old thing. What are you doing down there?" Sometimes it works - not all the time! But staying calm and just saying "We have to go now" and waiting till she calms sometimes works - at the very least she can see you are not out of control and that will help abort the situation.

Little girls can be very single-minded - I know, I had three!

Calm is the way to go - but by golly it can be hard!

I think what you did was completely understandable, but not completely fine if that makes sense.

It sounds like either she lost control because she was tired and frustrated/didn't really understand what she thought she did, or she tried to manipulate a situation, then she completely lost her temper. Its all in the realm of developmentally appropriate if undesirable behaviour in her age group given it came at the end of a long day where it sounds like she had a ball.

I think its really important as much as possible to stay calm and in control, even moreso when they lose control. Be honest: a lot of your frustration and anger came from the fact you'd had a lovely day which had been ruined. She probably felt the same way, but was much less able to express and articulate that and hers came out more inappropriately and strongly than yours.

Now I say this as someone who shouted at my 3 year old for throwing a tantrum when I opened a banana the wrong way this morning so I'm not exactly covering myself in glory when it comes to living my parenting values. But I do find the calmer I am with her (and watching my husband who is spectacularly calm without being permissive and gets much better results than I do) the better the outcome.

So... I guess I would have tried, when she first asked for the pound after getting the teddy, to say 'I know you're frustrated/tired/unhappy/whatever, but we agreed on a pound, you've had the teddy and now we need to go.' I would have done what you did about leaving. If I was having a VERY good day, I might have tried to snap her out of the screaming/bad mood by joking with the teddy about how he wasn't to feel bad she didn't want him anymore, and you'd take good care of him till he did.

The need to physically put her in the car is the point where I also lose my rag as my freakishly strong toddler is already almost too strong for me to control. But I'd aim for a calm transfer as much as possible, while repeating firmly that her behaviour wasn't acceptable and it was dangerous and we know seat belts are what we have to have in the car. from that point on... I think the best thing is to try to keep a calm voice, swear and scream in your head, don't throw things away/model losing control, and when they eventually calm down, try to have a conversation about it. So I wouldn't have thrown the teddy away but I also wouldn't have handed it over.

I've just never seen good results from shouting/reflecting their behaviour back. When I do it or someone else does. That doesn't mean you ignore the behaviour, or that you don't come back to the behaviour, but just that reacting in the moment with the same emotion being shown to you - anger, frustration, etc - doesn't seem to achieve anything.

All that being said, don't beat yourself up. It was a totally normal parenting interaction, just maybe not the one you want to recreate next time. Just take a little while and think about how you want to handle the next conflict, and if there's any follow up you can do with her now.

@purplecarrot23 Sugar rushes in kids have been completely discredited. The sugar was probably good from an energy perspective.

You did the right thing OP and I hope you elaborated when she told her sorry tale the next day. 5 is too old to not expect natural consequences for such behaviour. She lost the toy for behaving so badly.

You did fine.

This is basically every single outing every single day of the year, every time we go ANYWHERE with my son. Its absolutely exhausting.

By attacking me I mean she was leaning right forward in her seat and hitting me from behind (she is directly behind my driving seat). She was the also kicking my chair from behind.

In hindsight I should have limited her treats but I just wanted her to feel special and it back fired.

@purplecarrot23 I agree - giving her chocolate and a slush puppy was just asking for trouble.

I think it was a bit of a disaster waiting to happen - lots of exciting exercise which will have given her an adrenaline boost and exhausted her, then a massive injection of sugar, then a compelling gambling game, then time to go home. I expect her emotions were just running rampant and she couldn’t make the switch to shutting them all off when it was time to go.

I would probably have tried to acknowledge her feelings by narrating them to her - ‘you’re feeling frustrated, you wanted another go’ etc and holding the boundary - ‘I understand that you’re upset. We have to go now’.

Then when she was calmer I would have had a conversation about why she felt that way and what could be done better next time to help her manage her feelings.

My DD is brilliant at dealing with this - much better than I ever was. She gets down to the child's level and speaks quietly and calmly along the lines of "I understand that this is very frustrating for you; we all feel cross when we cannot have everything we want. You must be very fed up......etc. etc."

I feel like pinning a blooming medal on her when I see her doing this!

I would have done what you did, but might have had less patience

The advice I can give you (and all parents at this age group) is to avoid doing set routines because they then expect it eg don't always buy a drink or treat, sometimes allow a £1 for a game or a ride other times say no, once things become a habit they get very annoyed at you deviating. Mine are adults and I still remember the tantrums over not getting hot chocolate because "we always have it from the book shop" etc.

My guess is she’s shattered

However that does not excuse her behaviour, you handled it fine to me. It’s really hard to get it right, and feel like you get it right in that moment. They know exactly what buttons to push.

We had a similar conversation about those bloody machines when mine was about 5. “Oh you won’t win, they are a fix”
Only, this time. He bloody won it

I find with my 5 year old and to an extent my 1 year old - that the combination of high-energy activity + multiple sugary treats lead to emotional up and down in the short term a fair bit.