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Original poster

What does your partner to help out?

65 replies

Lj199024 · 26/09/2021 20:02

I know everyone’s life is different I’m just looking for how everyone else’s life is and how much their partner helps out? Basically my partner does very little but he thinks he does enough and I am being unreasonable? It might be true? It is causing me to resent him and our relationship is suffering.

He works full time so is amazing at providing however I am currently suffering from PND so really struggling. I do all school pick ups and drop offs and look after my 1 year old through the day (we have 3 children). He puts the baby to bed and I will do everything else, cooking cleaning. I take the kids out on a weekend or to clubs etc. He doesn’t come to these.

Maybe I am being reasonable, he does work hard and is tired, but so am I :(

OP posts:
saltedcaramelanything · 26/09/2021 20:04

He puts the baby to bed. That's it?

You don't need him to "help out". You need him to be an equal partner and parent.

DressedUpAtAnIvy · 26/09/2021 20:06

Half of everything

WormYourHonour · 26/09/2021 20:07

You're not being unreasonable...

He is.

Or, let me put it this way.

They're his children.
It's his home.

He shouldn't be "Helping" he should be "Doing"

Start with free time and hobbies.
You should both get the same amount of free time to do hobbies and things you enjoy.
If you don't currently get that, fix that first.
If he disagrees, he's a shit. It isn't fair he gets to piss off to work, avoid all childcare and housework, not do anything at the weekends etc.

Next up, look at house work and what needs doing. He works, fair enough, but he can wash up, do laundry, hoover a few times a week whilst you relax for an hour.

No man should be "Helping" his partner, he should just be doing what needs doing. I hope that makes sense.

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ShowOfHands · 26/09/2021 20:09

DH doesn't "help out" as he is an equal partner contributing to the running of our household. He works full time and long hours as a police officer but when here, he does whatever needs doing. He's on nights at the moment for example and this afternoon he got up, did laundry, went shopping, washed up, cleared some branches from the garden, hoovered and then went back to bed. I do most of the school runs and associated child admin but he more than contributes around this.

whatswithtodaytoday · 26/09/2021 20:10

He co-parents. We take everything in turns (mornings, nappies, bedtimes etc). He cooks every evening, I do the housework. We both work so it has to be shared responsibility.

The only differences revolve around our own personal strengths - I'm ok on less sleep so do nighttime wake ups, he's physically stronger than me so carries the scooter/child/bag more often.

romdowa · 26/09/2021 20:12

I'm 34 weeks pregnant, in agony with pelvic girdle pain, I can barely walk and my partner is currently doing everything as well as working full time.

Noworneverever · 26/09/2021 20:12

He doesn't help me out because the jobs aren't specifically mine. He does half of everything. So whoever notices the dishes need loading/unloading, or dinner needs making or washing basket looks full etc will deal with it. There's no chore list or adding up of who has done what because it's naturally evenly split, so we don't argue or keep score about any of it. Both just act like adults who do what needs doing.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 26/09/2021 20:12

I do everything all day with the baby as I’m on maternity leave!

Husband works full time !

But he cooks the dinner everyday for us pretty much - we tag team babies baths and bedtime and at the weekend we both get a lie in each on either day!

I do almost all the house work - but I basically never cook! Feels fair

SamanthaVimes · 26/09/2021 20:15

I think some of this will depend on what sort of job he has. Office work… sounds like he needs to do a bit more. Surgeon or very physical job… maybe not but it depends how much he’s doing already.

My husband and I both have office jobs and agree that being at work all day is way easier than looking after our 1yo so whoever’s been at work has to take the reins when they get home as they’ve had the easier day (because you can take breaks, drink warm coffee, pee alone, have meaningful conversations with other adults etc etc)

DH and I both work full time so housework stuff is fairly evenly split although I probably cook more and he cleans more. I’m still breastfeeding so I do most night wakes but will tag him in if she won’t settle in a reasonable time. He always takes her first thing in the morning so I can get a bit more sleep.

I think if you’re struggling then your partner should want to help you. I wouldn’t watch someone I love struggle and not try to help them if I could 🤷‍♀️

Amammai · 26/09/2021 20:16

My DH does classic ‘man’ stuff - anything linked to lawns, garage, bins, loft and mending things. He also does laundry as and when he notices it needs doing/I haven’t had chance

I do the cooking and most cleaning, changing beds, food shopping, packed lunches, sorting toys and clothes etc

I do most days out with kids but I enjoy meeting mum friends. He will take oldest DS to do things more frequently now though.

qualitygirl · 26/09/2021 20:16

We both work full time, exact same hours. He does almost all dinners, I do most of the laundry. I clean the house at some point over the weekend. He will mow the grass and sort the garden. He will Hoover and we make the beds together mostly. We will share making the kids packed lunches over the week. Sometimes he does the food shopping, sometimes I do. So it's 50/50 really. We put the kids to bed together or depending on what's going on one of us will do it.
Yeah 50/50

AliceW89 · 26/09/2021 20:17

He doesn’t ‘help out’. He’s 50% the reason DS exists so he does 50% of pretty much everything, especially since I went back to work.

Disfordarkchocolate · 26/09/2021 20:18

It's not helping out to take care of your own children. Start from that point of view.

trevthecat · 26/09/2021 20:18

My husband does half of everything when he is home. Probably more than half of the cooking.

Orangejuicemarathoner · 26/09/2021 20:20

Why are you in charge and he "helping"?

Would it make sense to look at it the other way, he is in charge of all housework and child rearing, and you "help out"?

-no!

It makes no sense to say he "helps out" either. It is HIS work, his duty and his responsibility as much as yours

Simonjt · 26/09/2021 20:22

My husband isn’t my sons Dad, he doesn’t have to help, yet he is doing more than your husband does with his children. He does school pick up twice a week, he sometimes does drop off, he helps with homework, he takes him to the park etc.

I do more in the flat, but thats because he has a physical disability which means there are certain things he is unable to do.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/09/2021 20:22

He doesn't help. He does his fair share. Which means we get the same time off. No childcare, no work, no housework time off.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 26/09/2021 20:23

He doesn't help out because it's not my job and he's not doing me a favour taking care of his children and maintaining his home.

thinkfast · 26/09/2021 20:23

He doesn't help out. We are both parents. We both work full time. We both do as much as we can to keep everything running, get roughly equal rest time etc.

Vbree · 26/09/2021 20:25

When I was on maternity leave my husband did an equal share of parenting when he wasn't at work. Now we're both back at work full time we split everything fairly equally. They're his children too, so he should be raising his kids too, not "helping out". It needs to be equal at the weekends and you deserve a break sometimes.

rwalker · 26/09/2021 20:25

You need a good honest conversation as this can very easily descend into who's hardest done by .
it's about diving up whats left to do when you are both at home .

ftw163532 · 26/09/2021 20:25

Why are you referring to caring for his own children and pulling his weight at home as "helping out" ? These are not your jobs that he helps with, they are his that he is shirking.

It's literally his fucking responsibility - if he is not doing these things and trying to make you feel guilty for expecting him to behave like a decent human being then he is a dirtbag.

It's not "helping" , it's fulfilling his own responsibilities.

GalesThisMorning · 26/09/2021 20:27

He parents his children and runs his home. Same as me. Yours should too.

Hope it gets better Flowers

firstimemamma · 26/09/2021 20:29

He doesn't "help out", he is my equal partner. He gives family life his absolute everything despite having a full on nhs frontline job. He doesn't stop.

Milkbottlelegs · 26/09/2021 20:34

@DressedUpAtAnIvy

Half of everything
Really? He works FT and the OP doesn’t work and you think he should be doing 50% of everything?

OP he clearly should be doing more, of both parenting and household stuff but if you’re not working and he is you really should be doing the bulk of the stuff during the week. Sounds like the real issue is he takes zero interest in his kids.

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