What does your partner to help out?

[Lj199024]

I know everyone’s life is different I’m just looking for how everyone else’s life is and how much their partner helps out? Basically my partner does very little but he thinks he does enough and I am being unreasonable? It might be true? It is causing me to resent him and our relationship is suffering.

He works full time so is amazing at providing however I am currently suffering from PND so really struggling. I do all school pick ups and drop offs and look after my 1 year old through the day (we have 3 children). He puts the baby to bed and I will do everything else, cooking cleaning. I take the kids out on a weekend or to clubs etc. He doesn’t come to these.

Maybe I am being reasonable, he does work hard and is tired, but so am I :(

Thank you everyone so much for your replies and actually when you put it that way, he shouldn’t be “helping out”. I never had a father figure growing up so watched my mum do everything and clearly feel this is how it “should be”

There is absolutely no 50/50 split on this end and there clearly needs to be a conversation had. I was just under the impression that maybe I was being unreasonable but I don’t think I am. It doesn’t help he doesn’t really understand depression either but regardless he is aware I am suffering! Thank you everyone xx

As others have said, my husband doesn't 'help me out' because we are equal partners who contribute equally, which means 50% of childcare.

He does more gets ups than me because it suits him but we share the cooking, laundry, food shopping etc. He packs the nursery bag and does all the drop offs (I collect). We both do the bedtime routine and he cleans up downstairs while I sit with our toddler as she's dropping off to sleep. We both get equal 'time off' at weekends and evenings.

Basically, we're a team and if it feels like one of us isn't contributing as much, then we'll talk about it and come to some resolution. We want each other to be happy.

I’m a sahm and DH is working from home. Mornings are shared, we each do whatever needs to be done while the other is getting dressed. Then I do the school run and do whatever with the toddler, home and I make lunch, he tidies up, then I normally play with toddler at home do a few so jobs, he does school pick up and take as the toddler, I make dinner so it’s ready for when he finished, we alternative bath time and stories and kitchen cleaning, I put toddler to bed and he does older child. I do most meal planning and cooking, he does about 75% off the washing. I do most of mental load.

Think of it this way. Maybe looking after the children is hard work, like his job. In that case you need him to share the time outside work hours. Or it's a piece of piss, in which case it's easy for him to do half.

Some men like to think it's easy for women but hard for men. You have PND so you could argue it's easier for him, so he should do more. But you'll settle for half.

As others say he doesn't 'help out' we split our parenting and other responsibilities. Bulk of cleaning is done by cleaners.

DH
Works full time from home-long hours but flexible
All shopping
All ironing
Tidying up after meals
Sweeps kitchen floor
Bins
Early morning school runs to bus stop
Some sports at weekends
Looks after his wider family
Mows lawns

Me
Work 3 days from home -set hours
Cooking and meal planning
Laundry
School communications
Most sports activities at weekends
School pick ups
Look after my wider family
Other gardening

Other stuff tends to be whoever sees what needs doing.

You don't need him to "help out". You need him to be an equal partner and parent.

This ^

"helping out" sounds like its all your responsibility and he's doing you a favour.

@Milkbottlelegs the OP does work. She is responsible for caring for her children during the day. Just because this isn’t the patriarchal, capitalist idea of ‘work’ doesn’t mean she isn’t working. I’m a doctor and my days in paid employment are easier than my days alone with my toddler. @MrsTerryPratchett is spot on - if caring for children isn’t ‘work’ then he should take on 50% when outside of paid employment.

I tell people 50/50 but if I’m being brutally honest with myself I know he does a lot more than me 😂

We both work full time and have school aged kids, ones in reception

Sorry another one saying it’s not helping out. DC are not your sole responsibility.

Our situation is different as we both work full time. The childcare/household chores are split pretty evenly though. We only have one DC but whilst one is getting him ready for bed, the other will be washing up, tidying etc so that we both sit down at the same time each evening. Sure you will do more as you’re home during the day but the evenings and weekends should be evenly split.

Don't use the wording "please can you help" op

Use the wording "when are you going to start pulling your finger out and doing your share dh?"

See what he says to that

Just seen you don’t work. When we were both stay at home parents at separate times it was split roughly 70/30, with the one at home doing 70%. Not weekends though, that was 50/50.

My DH does all the housework, gardening, house maintenance and laundry. He is a perfectionist and a really good cleaner and tidier upper BUT he never has and never does anything to do with childcare. A lot of people on here will say it isn't right but it works for us. I do sometimes wish he would take less care of the house and more interest in the kids. I think it would be a problem if he expected me to do the household domestic duties and look after the children. My only problem I had when they were little was the twice I ever left them with him he would stick them in front of the TV or give them to his mum whilst he got the house even more immaculate than it was!!!

DH works full time, I've been at home with our one year old but started part time work again now although apart from 1 day with a childminder I mostly fit it in in the evenings and weekends.

I look after DD all.day whilst he's working, and tend to do stuff like laundry, empty and reload dishwasher, change beds, stick the hoover round etc in that time. In the evenings DH gets involved, he will either entertain DD whilst I make dinner or he will do the cooking - no set days but it works out about 50/50. Then one of us wrestles DD into the bath whilst the other clears up, wipes.the kitchen down etc. Share bedtimes. He tends to do the food shop. When things need a bit more of a 'proper' clean we split that at the weekend - one does upstairs and the other occupies DD, then we switch for downstairs. If I need ton work at the weekend he takes DD out, sorts her meals etc.

Both have an evening out a week doing a hobby. For the first year I didn't really go out without DD as I just wasn't ready but I've had two days/ nights out with friends recently and DH takes over with DD - it's not even a question same way as if he makes plans with his friends I just get on with it. Neither of us take the piss with it. Last week I had to stay away a night for work, I hated it but also knew DD would be absolutely fine with DH.

After reading lots of threads on MN I have changed my conversations to DH. Instead of saying "will you help me to...." I now say " x, y and z need doing, will you please do y..."
We both work ft (although he is self employed and does more hours) and he makes a couple of dinners per week and I think he believes this is literally half the load!

[quote AliceW89]**@Milkbottlelegs* the OP does work. She is responsible for caring for her children during the day. Just because this isn’t the patriarchal, capitalist idea of ‘work’ doesn’t mean she isn’t working. I’m a doctor and my days in paid employment are easier than my days alone with my toddler. @MrsTerryPratchett* is spot on - if caring for children isn’t ‘work’ then he should take on 50% when outside of paid employment.[/quote]
It’s pretty easy to stick a wash on, or prep some dinner, go shopping/unpack the grocery delivery when you’re at home looking after a small child. I’d say it’s impossible to do that when you’re out of the house at work (but if anyone has found a way I’d love to hear it).

And all this looking after your own children is work is such bullshit. If someone asks me if I’m working at the weekend, I don’t say yes, I’m looking after my kids

@Ihaveoflate

As others have said, my husband doesn't 'help me out' because we are equal partners who contribute equally, which means 50% of childcare.

He does more gets ups than me because it suits him but we share the cooking, laundry, food shopping etc. He packs the nursery bag and does all the drop offs (I collect). We both do the bedtime routine and he cleans up downstairs while I sit with our toddler as she's dropping off to sleep. We both get equal 'time off' at weekends and evenings.

Basically, we're a team and if it feels like one of us isn't contributing as much, then we'll talk about it and come to some resolution. We want each other to be happy.

Equal time off is key for me and where the conversation should start. You should each have equal hours of leisure time per week, when you're not working, looking after kids, or doing housework/life admin. If that means you SAH and he works and then you split in the evening, that's fine, but you HAVE to have equal leisure time or resentment will come quickly.

Contrary to popular Mumsnet opinion this works both ways - you also can't expect him to get home from work and get at the washing straight away while you put your feet up.

I'm in a similar situation as you, OP.

Partner works full time from home ( I work 3 days, 30 miles away) and thinks he can sit there drinking and watching football on a weekend whilst I take DD to softplay/parties etc and do all the housework. He takes DD to bed but only because she begs him

I've tried talking to him but to no avail. Would your partner listen if you talked to him about it? You definitely aren't being unreasonable.

It sucks. I can't see it changing for me

again why not dump him?
It won’t be good for kids to have to be around a man who openly doesn’t want them. Would you not prefer to enjoy your life and give your kids a happy home?

Tbh I could have written similar post 2 months ago. I'm on maternity and don't expect much of him. I wrote similar post and I was at end of my tether. I didn't suffer with pnd though

Now I phrase it differently to my Oh. I say, do you want to do her bath or bottles? Or I'm going to do this you spend time with her. A couple times I did walk up to him and put baby in his arms and walk off 😂 🤦🏼‍♀️ think that helped.

I don't think some men have that instinct to do stuff.

We finally reached an inner peace-he does cooking, washing up. Washing during week I do weekends (i do have to prompt now and again)

I do cleaning, and I'm with lo all the time.

Weekends is a bit split rather then him going off now upstairs or watch ff1. He will do it in living room so I go off sleep do a few bits etc much more shared on weekend, but I would say I take bulk of it.

I was told by my grandmother either tell him, suck it up (not meant harshly just what I was told which raised my eyebrows at the time ) , or change it without the man knowing which is the option I chose as I had tried talking to him a few times about it. It worked best this way for me.

We are equals. We are both parents, both work full time and both own the house.

You sound like you've got two children.

He should do 50/50 when home OP. DH and I take an evening alone every week to spend time doing what we like. I usually get a coffee and go shopping or something but you need the break.

@Milkbottlelegs completely disagree that it’s easy to keep on top of the house while looking after small children. Depends on the child. I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old who always wants to be in my arms while he’s awake. While they sleep I catch up on cleaning the mess made in the morning and cook the dinner because can’t once they’re up.

@again2020 yeah I have tried and it usually turns into an argument. He gets his back up because I think he knows he doesn’t do enough.

I am actually due to start working from Home next week but I already see this being a competition over who has it the worst (e.g he will be FT I will Be PT, I am from home so there’s no reason I can’t clean etc whilst I’m working)

Tbh I don’t expect everything done, even if he just took a bit more interest in the kids. Takes the older two boys to football? He’s never taken them out by himself, the oldest is 10.

I had an hour nap last week due to being poorly and he even came to wake me up to do the school run (he was off work). I genuinely don’t think he means he be selfish, he just doesn’t think

@Temple29 thank you for your response. I completely agree, it’s very rare I get any free time and it’s very much needed. I am literally at breaking point

there’s no reason I can’t clean etc whilst I’m working

If you let this happen, it won't change. Treat your work seriously because you'll need it. AMD waking you to do the school run when he's off isn't unthinking, it is selfish.