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Parenting

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Original poster

What does your partner to help out?

65 replies

Lj199024 · 26/09/2021 20:02

I know everyone’s life is different I’m just looking for how everyone else’s life is and how much their partner helps out? Basically my partner does very little but he thinks he does enough and I am being unreasonable? It might be true? It is causing me to resent him and our relationship is suffering.

He works full time so is amazing at providing however I am currently suffering from PND so really struggling. I do all school pick ups and drop offs and look after my 1 year old through the day (we have 3 children). He puts the baby to bed and I will do everything else, cooking cleaning. I take the kids out on a weekend or to clubs etc. He doesn’t come to these.

Maybe I am being reasonable, he does work hard and is tired, but so am I :(

OP posts:

ILoveShula · 27/09/2021 15:25

It's not 'helping out', it's 'doing his share'.

Frymetothemoon · 27/09/2021 15:27

My husband doesn't "help out". He is an adult and we share responsibilities. But to make it simple, in our house there is never one person doing chores whilst the other sits on the tv or reads or plays a game

ILoveShula · 27/09/2021 15:34

I am from home so there’s no reason I can’t clean etc whilst I’m working)
You are working from home and cannot be cleaning at the same time

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GetAlongWithTheVoices · 27/09/2021 15:37

My partner works full time and does one evening of volunteer work a week. I go to college one day a week and volunteer one morning every few weeks whilst the kids are at school.

I do the hoovering and cooking most Days. He does the dishes. We take it in turns putting the littlest to bed.

I do the laundry and he does a massive house tidy at the weekend. It's mostly 50/50 in the grand scheme of things but if anyone is doing less it's me 🤫🤭

FloconDeNeige · 27/09/2021 15:46

He’s never taken the kids out on his own in 10 years, OP?! Omg!

He’s one of these types who clearly feel domestic & child care duties are women’s work and beneath him. How sad that he doesn’t take more of an interest in his children though ☹️

It’s good that you’re getting back to work. If it continues then at least you’ll be better placed when considering your options and whether you’d be better off alone…

PaperDolphin · 27/09/2021 15:48

I don't feel like either of us "help out" really - it is both our jobs. It's pretty much 50/50 although he does more school runs.

Angliski · 27/09/2021 15:53

@whatswithtodaytoday same as you here. We both work flexibly and take our baby days- I work three days and have to be ‘on’ at certain times, so tend to pick up more childcare on weekend. He does all the laundry and dishwasher inputs I do the outputs- putting away, the cooking and most of the shopping. We share all kid tasks but if we are together he does more shlepping and I do more organising and packing for a day out.

TheOpportuneMoment · 27/09/2021 15:54

When he woke you up to do the school run, despite being off work himself, did you ask him to do it or just get up and go yourself? You need to start changing your expectations - he's not helping you out when he does something vaguely useful. You're both adults, you both chose to have children, you're both equally responsible for childcare/housework evenings and weekends. He doesn't just get to opt out and let you do everything alone without taking on any responsibility.

thingymaboob · 27/09/2021 15:55

My husband and I share 50/50
I order food shopping, he collects from click and collect and we both put shopping away
Husband does all the laundry, putting it on and in dryer and I put clothes away.
Husband puts DC3 to bed most nights as DC likes Daddy doing it.
I cook, he clears up.
Husband takes DC3 to nursery, I collect.
I do all clothes / toys shopping and arrange our social calendar.
Husband currently doing the cleaning as I am pregnant with pelvic pain but normally 50/50. I have Hyperemesis and was bed bound for first trimester and husband did absolutely everything and was so supportive and caring too. He works full time and has a demanding job, too. I couldn't ask for a better husband.

Vallmo47 · 27/09/2021 16:00

In my opinion it’s not how much others are doing, it’s how you feel about what you’re doing. I’m a SAHM and am very happy to do everything house and children wise. If I’d like help I say “could you do X”. My husband works very hard in a hands on job with heavy carrying, so I do my bit to make us work. We are a team and I am happy.

Chelyanne · 27/09/2021 18:09

School runs, bath/bed times, nappy changes and some feeds for baby, walks dog, bins out and occasional bit of tidying (doesn't seem to see dirt/mess like I do or just better at ignoring it). He did try his hand at laundry when I was in hospital after having our newborn, he forgot fabric softener and mixed stuff up so I took over as soon as home. This is when he's home, he's military so spends a lot of time away and I do it all when he's not here. As I'm a sahm I find it better to get stuff done then we can have good family time together when he is home.

bubblebath62636 · 27/09/2021 18:22

As PP said its not helping out, it's his home and child too.

For comparison, DH works and I'm a SAHM.
He gets up with baby so I van have a lie in (obviously this depends on shifts etc). Changes nappies, makes bottles, plays with her etc. He also does gardening and home maintenance. He likes to cook so I wash up or vice versa. Also whips the hoover around, tidies around etc. The only thing he doesn't do is laundry but I don't mind as I refuse to cut the grass 🤣.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 27/09/2021 18:26

Sweet fuck all both husbands and one long term partner which is why I am now single forever. Its huge misogyny leaving everything to women and I won't stand for it.

Harrysmummy246 · 27/09/2021 19:37

@saltedcaramelanything

He puts the baby to bed. That's it?

You don't need him to "help out". You need him to be an equal partner and parent.

^^^ This

It's not helping, it's taking share of the responsibility

Harrysmummy246 · 27/09/2021 19:46

Ok, so yesterday and today, I was working, DH wasn't.
Yesterday, no school obviously, so all childcare (DS is 4), dinner was made for me, kitchen cleaner than when I went out, towels load of laundry done. He probably farted around with the alarm/ blinds system. Oh and I mentioned a G&T before doing phonics with DS, he made it for me (I honestly wasn't dropping hints!!)
He did both school runs today, has changed and laundered our bed, fixed some stuff, been for a run with the dogs. I got dominos for dinner as it's between work and way home. He's done bathtime and is now doing bedtime while I study ahem, yes, about that
We both mow the lawn etc

I tend to do more of the admin of booking things like Vet, dog groomer, after school club etc but I am just actually, better at remembering and co-ordinating and I'd have to ask him to do those etc soooooooo.................
He's also bloody brilliant at taking DS to the library, days out, little trips after school etc.
You're not expecting enough frankly

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