Other people handling your toddler

[johnd2]

Our toddler is nearly 2 and we would like to help him to understand bodily autonomy for both himself and others.
He is capable of understanding when we want to give him a hug, etc and letting us know whether he wants it. Or any other non essential contact.
The problem we have is that not everyone has got the memo, and especially certain neighbours like to grab him, handle him, tickle him, etc without warning.
At the moment i have been telling him that so and so shouldn't have done that afterwards, but that's pretty weak and we are not really modelling a good response to this situation. I was wondering what other people have done in this situation and how it worked out.
The goal in approximate other of importance is to communicate that they should get his permission in future, and also show him we are on his side, model a sensible way of enforcing a boundary, and not offend the neighbours.
I thought about printing up some cards "from him" that say something like "bodily autonomy, please check that I'm happy before touching me", and giving them to people after an instance, but I'm not sure how that would work.
Thoughts, ideas, suggestions would be appreciated please!

What type of handling are these neighbours doing?!

I have a sociable 3 year old with bright blonde hair and the biggest smile...he's always getting high 5s, his hair ruffled, tickled under the chin..he loves it and it makes me smile to see these interactions!

I think you are being a bit ridiculous.

Unless they are prising your clinging child out of your arms in which case that is a bit weird.

The big risk here is you are making every touch untoward, so the kid grows up thinking being touched without being asked first is wrong, but you will be unable to stop him being touched like this. If the worst did happen and the touch was inappropriate how would he know, when all touch is wrong anyway?

@johnd2 i have to say I still don’t believe this is a legit post, I think you’ve posted this to get some type of entertainment. If this is a true and honest post then please go get some help. I’m not being smart at all, I’m genuinely concerned for you and I don’t think in this state of mind you are best placed to carry for a child. You need to get some help and talk to someone as you are damaging your child and despite of what you may be thinking your behaviour is borderline child abuse…

I'm actually laughing at the child abuse post now! Normally i see the pile ons on Mumsnet from the side and it's so weird to see it from head on!

Just to be clear, i only tell him it wasn't ok afterwards when it's become apparent to me that he didn't enjoy it.i realise that's ineffective hence this post.
The cards (no idea where business card came from) thing was not serious, it was just to give a discussion point, so disregard that.

Regarding giving him a complex, he does enjoy cuddles (Very often) and we give him plenty, however we absolutely do want him to know that it's his decision, and if someone just barrels in that he didn't know that well and does it anyway he knows that's not ok and have a way to enforce that. We would be very happy for him to have cuddles, shake hands, tickles, whatever from the neighbours when he is also happy with that

Two concrete examples recently are the neighbour old lady was passing and wanted him to look at something so she just grabbed him without warning and shoved him across a couple of metres, he didn't look happy but only in a similar way to when he falls over.
And another, we arrived at swimming and the lifeguard rushed over to say hi, he shrank back in his pushchair while i was paying, and when i finished and we went to take our shoes off he had tears in his eyes. The lifeguard had been trying to get him to smile by tickling or whatever, not excessively, but clearly he wasn't in the mood.
Both times afterwards i said to him that they would have asked .

Other recent positive examples is the drunk guy outside the pub who stayed sat down and said hi first, then after a short time held out his hand to shake hands and waited for him to walk over and shake back.

Oh dear god 🤦‍♀️
OP if you don't want people to touch your child you tell them BEFORE they do it. You don't wait until they are gone and tell your child they shouldn't have done that. That's just feeble and not showing him how to handle the situation at all.

You’re looking at this the wrong way around. The cards thing is about trying to get other people to treat him as you want them to. Obviously you can’t do that. You can’t control how other people interact with your child (rightly so). You can support your child to be assertive and implement boundaries by scaffolding and modelling them. So at this age you can intervene if he doesn’t look happy. “You don’t look like you want to be tickled right now!” And move him away. But you also need to respect him if he does look happy, and allow him to enjoy friendly, tactile interactions. This is a normal part of human relationships, and his relationships are different from yours. His boundaries will be different from yours. He is allowed a different opinion from you.

You can also model seeking permission and encourage him to seek permission from others before touching them, whilst remembering that permission seeking doesn’t need to be a formal request - there are non-verbal ways to seek permission (and I’m not talking about cards here!!). But you can’t expect that the whole world will behave as you think is appropriate. You need to teach him to exist in the world as it is and give him the confidence to assert himself when he needs to.

If your child handed me a bodily autonomy card I would die laughing. And then avoid you.

Wrap him in a sandwich board with
Keep Clear
written on...

Err instead of telling your son ‘they shouldn’t have done that’ afterwards why don’t you just tell your neighbours not to
You are making a mountain out of a mile hill here but still if it’s so important to you it’s not your son’s job to communicate to others that he doesn’t want to be touched - keep a closer eye on him first of all (how are all these strangers sneaking up to tickle and pat him all the time??) and intervene.
You say afterwards ‘they shouldn’t have done that…’ you’re child should reply ‘WTF didn’t you do say something then mum?’

You're going to give your toddler a complex about being touched.
Tickling, cuddles, normal interactions like that are vital for human development. Not everything needs to be a planned and consented for interaction, this is unhealthy.
Stop drinking kool-aid. What an earth happens when they start school, surely there will be referrals made if he freaks out and demands they ask or asks others before playing games. In reception there will be lots of handholding, cuddles from friends etc. You're creating issues here.

God OP please have a good think of what you just said…and please read all the above comments- 99.9% is telling you that you are doing something very very wrong - does it not tell you anything? How on earth is someone going to ask a 2 year old permission to be touched??😂 so next time I’m bringing my son to creche and I see my neighbour with a baby should I just politely ask the baby: “excuse me little baby, are you happy in your nappy and do you mind me touching your head?” 😂 I don’t think a 2 year old is capable of any sort of normal response! What do you expect him to say? “ oh my sorry but I’m not too happy to be touched right now? :)) the example with the swim instructor was bonkers!! She/he came over and gave your child attention and played with him, it means she was a great person and great with kids! Or a neighbour old lady “showed him” a couple of meters.. ok and?? Did he survive this? Was the old lady any harm? Or was she just a lady who really liked your child and wanted simply to show him something? Come on, get some perspective and some help… and telling a child “she shouldn’t have touched you?” Really? Why shouldn’t she if you were beside him? The only one abusing your child is you, not any of the other people you mentioned.

Just tell everyone he has Covid... or nits...or worms...

No wonder your child nearly cried when the swim instructor came to him, he’s probably terrified of people by now poor baby! And then there is creche, school etc. How do you expect that to go? 😂in creche ladies pick them up, kiss them, cuddle them all the time! I’m school they will be playing games etc - are you going to send him to school? 😂 becouse by that age you may actually need to stick a note on his forehead “so not touch” as poor child will be traumatised by then no doubt.

Yes it is important for the child to learn they have body autonomy. But it doesn't have to be taught to clinically. I totally agree it is important, having been a child in the 1970s, when children's rights were not considered (and paedophiles were accepted as some men are a bit odd, but hey ho).

Please carry on protecting your child, 100% agree it is the right thing to do. My childhood was the polar opposite, where any old "uncle" was allowed to touch and tickle you, with parents full consent, and usually watching, or turning a blind eye, or generally not being interested.

People will think you are bat shit crazy. When I tickle my toddler he says “stop it mummy” when he’s had enough.

@Changethetoner ok, so you just admitted you were abused as a child, well that changes everything of course. So for OP I see only two cases which would explain his behaviour: 1) OP was abused as a child and hence the current protective behaviour- which is fully explained in this case BUT still handled very badly. 2) OPs toddler is on the autism spectrum and hates to be touched - which of course fully changes everything BUT again is handled so very poorly! If any of these 2 examples above apply then tell the adults not to touch your child BEFORE it happens, don’t let them, then go home and say: oh that was a bad bad lady for tickling you, she shouldn’t have!
If none of the above examples apply to you OP then you are simply just bonkers and you need to get help.

This thread is definitely peak Mumsnet and I'm actually feeling a bit proud that i started it!

Big thanks to all who have replied and especially the helpful ones, i think I've got everything i need but keep up the entertaining replies and I'll certainly enjoy carrying on reading and I'll respond if there is anything thought provoking in there!
Take care.

Please carry on protecting your child, 100% agree it is the right thing to do. My childhood was the polar opposite, where any old "uncle" was allowed to touch and tickle you, with parents full consent, and usually watching, or turning a blind eye, or generally not being interested.

She isn’t protecting him though. She’s watching them saying ‘they shouldn’t have done that’ afterwards, and considering getting cards printed up.

Protecting him would be telling them neighbour ‘oh please don’t grab him like that, he doesn’t like it.’ Not silently watching then gravely telling the boy ‘that was wrong. She shouldn’t have done that to you.’ What does that teach him? How does it help him?

Yes op it’s peak mumsnet….in terms of your crazy post! Morto for you.

I thought about printing up some cards "from him" that say something like "bodily autonomy, please check that I'm happy before touching me", and giving them to people after an instance, but I'm not sure how that would work.

Fuck me.

I think you’re in the right place but aiming to intervene at the wrong moment. You want to teach him healthy boundaries - so teaching him it’s ok to say no to a tickle, hug, whatever if he’s not up for it.

You don’t want to set up the idea that all touch is inappropriate; you want to set up the idea that he can say no to it (and also set up ideas of acceptable/unacceptable physical contact.) You won’t be able to prevent all uninvited physical contact in his life - you need to give him the tools to deal with it.

Also i nearly forget to mention, he is generally quite placid, however as his parent i can tell he is not enjoying it by his reaction but clearly the people doing it don't think that matters. I don't wait for a tantrum before listening to him.

So that’s when you intervene. ‘Actually, Jane, I don’t think he’s enjoying that today, maybe he’d like to give you a high five instead.’ Teach him it’s ok to say no, and how, by intervening on his behalf to say no.

If there is inappropriate touching going on then deal with the adult.

Meantime let your child be a child.

God this is cringy and sad.

I thought about printing up some cards "from him" that say something like "bodily autonomy, please check that I'm happy before touching me", and giving them to people after an instance, but I'm not sure how that would work.

Sorry but this did make me laugh

So ridiculous. Your poor kid.

Jesus suffering fuck! This is wokeness gone too far. The only one doing any long term damage to your son is you, i'm sorry to say.