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Original poster

Other people handling your toddler

91 replies

johnd2 · 23/09/2021 00:42

Our toddler is nearly 2 and we would like to help him to understand bodily autonomy for both himself and others.
He is capable of understanding when we want to give him a hug, etc and letting us know whether he wants it. Or any other non essential contact.
The problem we have is that not everyone has got the memo, and especially certain neighbours like to grab him, handle him, tickle him, etc without warning.
At the moment i have been telling him that so and so shouldn't have done that afterwards, but that's pretty weak and we are not really modelling a good response to this situation. I was wondering what other people have done in this situation and how it worked out.
The goal in approximate other of importance is to communicate that they should get his permission in future, and also show him we are on his side, model a sensible way of enforcing a boundary, and not offend the neighbours.
I thought about printing up some cards "from him" that say something like "bodily autonomy, please check that I'm happy before touching me", and giving them to people after an instance, but I'm not sure how that would work.
Thoughts, ideas, suggestions would be appreciated please!

OP posts:

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liveforsummer · 23/09/2021 06:36

Oh goodness no, don't do this . Does your ds even dislike these interactions? Doesn't he communicate that if so? Toddlers are normally better than any other age group at this. If he objects you can just say 'could you stop, he doesn't like that' that way you are advocating for him and modelling what he should do when he has the words and ability. If he does indeed not mind and you are projecting your own feelings then you're probably going to give him issues and anxieties in the long run.

NotReallyAPrincess · 23/09/2021 06:37

Like other posters I am cringing for you a bit but I absolutely get what you’re trying to achieve. With family I’m just making sure I model good practice - I always ask 20mo DS for a hug, or make sure to let go quickly if he squirms (within reason - obviously not if I’m carrying him across a busy car park, or taking him upstairs for a nappy change). Anyone who spends a lot of time with him, I’ll ask them to ask him for a hug/etc too.

liveforsummer · 23/09/2021 06:37

Telling him it shouldn't have happened after standing by and allowing it is VERY odd and confusing btw

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CarryOnNurse20 · 23/09/2021 06:50

I get the intention OP but unless he hates it (in which case it’s your job as PP have said to jump in and say ‘ooh no tickling DS doesn’t like it’) I would let them. Touch is an important part of life and safe, playful touch is GOOD for kids. Yes of course they need to able to say NO and recognise when they’re uncomfortable but he’s a bit young for that now. Using cards is no good as that’s not how adults/older children vocalise their feelings so he needs a normal way to express it (like saying no, stepping away).

pompomsgalore · 23/09/2021 06:54

Are you coming back OP to reply?

EnidFrighten · 23/09/2021 06:54

This is so clinical! Teach him to say 'i don't like it' when he doesn't like something. He's not a lab specimen! This is weird

FloconDeNeige · 23/09/2021 06:55

This has to be a wind up!!

Auroreforet · 23/09/2021 07:03

You need to read the pfb thread.

Choccorocco · 23/09/2021 07:05

At his age it is your responsibility to protect him from whoever these certain neighbours are. Speak to them about it. Protect him from them, you’re his mother, that’s your job.
Honestly, you ask a 2yo boy if he wants cuddles? Does he have to ask you if he wants to cuddle you? Poor kid! I’m no expert hut I would have thought that at this age he should be able to come up to you and feel he can cuddle you whoever.
I was a bit Ott with my oldest (v quick to talk about what we should and shouldn’t do) and he is the most anxious and awkward of my kids. I’m not sure if that’s why and he is fine, but if I had my time again I would be far more relaxed. Good luck. I can see you’re trying to do the right thing but I don’t think you will get the consequences you want.
Speak to the neighbour, let him be affectionate when he likes, and deal with it all when he gets older and more able to understand things.

Ellarain · 23/09/2021 07:05

Stop it. Insane.

Choccorocco · 23/09/2021 07:05

Let your son be affectionate when he likes - not the neighbour, obvs!

purpleme12 · 23/09/2021 07:15

I'm sorry but this really made me laugh
Cards to give out 🤣🤣

If you can see her doesn't want a cuddle/tickle cos I'm these cases a mum should be able to tell, you just say he doesn't want one at the minute!
It's up to you to do it at the minute
But thank you it did make me laugh!

Gorl · 23/09/2021 07:28

The card idea is nonsensical and should be discarded.

You have to do two things. The first is standing up for your child in the moment and politely saying to your neighbours ‘please just check with him first if he’s happy for you to pick him up, we’re helping him understand that he gets to decide when he wants physical contact’.

The second is teaching your son to say ‘please don’t pick me up’ followed by ‘NO!’ or ‘STOP!’ if he isn’t listened to. This is essential for his safety as much as anything - he needs to know that he’s allowed and encouraged to make as much fuss as he likes if someone picks him up without permission. Lots of modelling and role playing will help him learn how to do this.

Elisemum · 23/09/2021 07:41

I’m sorry OP but what you’re saying doesn’t sound healthy at all. I get your point and think your intentions are good but come on it’s a toddler! Does he not go to creche? People will touch him, tickle him, grab him, kiss him, and that’s normal and healthy! Toddlers love it! The stuff you’re telling him is quite inappropriate for a 2 year old and he might develop some weird issues with society.

Elisemum · 23/09/2021 07:44

And you want to print cards to say: check with me before touching me😂? I hope you’re joking OP and it’s some kind of provocation for a discussion? If you are serious (I doubt it though) then I think you need to consult with a professional as seems you are having major issues. Sorry.

Fetchthevet · 23/09/2021 07:49

I'm hoping this is a joke post.

But if it isn't, when he is old enough just teach him to say "Stop, I don't like it", in an assertive voice.

HagridHair · 23/09/2021 07:51

I'm cringing for you

slipperybanana · 23/09/2021 08:00

My child is 4 and I'm now reinforcing to him about private parts and making sure he knows no one should touch him there or otherwise unless he wants them to.

Previous to this he wasn't out of mine or his dads sight much and mostly spent time with us and friends/family. If he wasn't happy to play - those things above are playing - then it was pretty obvious and the adult would stop.

However I have never been in a situation where I don't trust the adult with my child but if I didn't then I would have stepped in regardless of how much child was enjoying the playtime. I would have taken child away and at age 2 I wouldn't have said much to him about it as he wouldn't understand and it could have confused him.

When he was 2 and insisted on touching his privates all the time we kept telling him that was his private parts and no one else should see them. When leaving grannies or whatever I would say do you want to give hugs before we go and left it at that

tintodeverano2 · 23/09/2021 08:14

At the moment i have been telling him that so and so shouldn't have done that afterwards

This is a likely damaging response - he will think that anyone touching him for any reason is wrong and make him feel shame and embarrassment. He will see his peers being hugged and shown affection and this will make him feel awful.
Also, you are pointing out to him that you still can't protect him whilst you are there with him, meaning that he's less likely to tell you if something untoward happens to him.

danni0509 · 23/09/2021 08:19

This is 100% a wind up post.

No one in real life is that bonkers…

SunnyLeaf · 23/09/2021 08:22

I think you’ll give him issues…

GummyBearWhere · 23/09/2021 08:24

This is very strange.

HumunaHey · 23/09/2021 08:25

What do you think of the feedback @johnd2?

Original poster

johnd2 · 23/09/2021 08:44

These replies are amazing and I'm glad i entertained everyone so much! And for those expecting me to be up all night replying, i was getting my 8 hours sleep.
After filtering out all the judgement and ridicule there are a couple of useful posts that have given me food for thought, so thank you.
For those who think bodily autonomy and consent is not important, and the lack didn't go anyone any harm, i think it's a real shame society has let us down on this.
Also i nearly forget to mention, he is generally quite placid, however as his parent i can tell he is not enjoying it by his reaction but clearly the people doing it don't think that matters. I don't wait for a tantrum before listening to him.

OP posts:

Itonlymakesyoustronger · 23/09/2021 08:50

WTF?! I am actually cringing right now. A massive part of children growing up is their development and behaviour towards other people, they learn boundaries with help but you my dear are going OTT.

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