Just can't cope with newborn

[Kirky658]

I have a beautiful baby girl who is coming up to 6 weeks old this week. She was born at 35 weeks by Emergency C Section as I was so ill with severe pre eclampsia. I stayed in hospital for 11 nights and LO in NICU and SCBU for 16 days. Lots of other dramas ensued with both my care and hers and it was an awful experience. We came home around 3 weeks ago and everything was great while DH was on paternity leave as I had loads of help.

Now I feel like I am just failing at every turn. I wanted to breastfeed and she couldn't latch so had to turn to a nipple shield which I hated. When she was in NICU we had to feed her EBM in specific amounts to ensure she put weight on so I can't mentally deal with breastfeeding as I don't know how much she's having now. I am still expressing and bottle feeding 6 times a day.

I just feel like I can't enjoy her being a baby because I get so stressed and anxious over every little thing. She is constantly hungry between feeds but if I feed her more she's often sick as if she can't take that much. I'm just at a loss. My parents have said to give her formula as it will keep her full for longer but with the lack of 'proper' breastfeeding I'd feel even more guilty moving to formula.

I have been referred to the mental health team and having counselling at the moment but I just feel like I can't cope properly. I love her dearly but I just don't know where else to turn.

You have had a really tough start but you sound like you’re doing brilliantly. You just need some support and some time to adjust to this massive change in your life. Sending you lots of love.

Thank you so much to everyone for your lovely comments, advice and support. Hallelujah to Mumsnet ❤️

I spoke to my DH at length last night and he has said let's get the 6 week checks done this week, see what her weight is like/ what the health visitor says and go from there. He would much rather see me happy rather than stressed. At the moment so much of my time is taken up by expressing and feeding its all I do, so when DH is home he just gets her thrust into his arms as I've got nothing left to give.

OP I don't mean this to sound harsh but how you feed the baby is really not up to your dh. He doesn't get to dictate wether you wait until the 6 weeks check. If you want to stop do it! The health visitor also doesn't get to decide. What would you be waiting for her to tell you? What is your husband waiting for her to say?

Sounds like the OH is being very supportive and sensible to me!

@thatsplentyjack I value my DH's opinion and his advice. He isn't the slightest bit bothered how we feed baby as my mental health is more important, but I am a bit worried about the cost implications of formula, and as LO is preemie I've been told we might be able to get the milk on prescription so I need to ask.

Well, again I don't mean this to sound harsh but his opinion isn't the one that matters here, also he can't give advice on breast feeding, he's never done it. I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to your partner about these things, but he shouldn't be making the final decision. That's up to you and only you.

Formula will cost you roughly £25/week (probably less. That's what mine is but my baby is on lactose free milk so it's quite a bit more expensive, which is ridiculous but there we go).

Sorry you've had such a difficult time so far I advise you to contact the Birth Trauma Association as I'm sure they'll be helpful.

Your mental health is so important. If you are struggling with anxiety, panicky feelings etc, and scoring high on the questionnaires (the ones that GP, HV and counsellors do with you to check your anxiety and depression) please do consider taking sertraline. I've been taking a low dose for PND and it's made a big difference to me.

My other advice is to ask the HV to refer you to the infant feeding team and to ask them about getting baby assessed for tongue tie. It is really very important to get a proper assessment (by someone trained in tongue tie) to rule this out, whether you breastfeed directly, or bottle feed (breast milk or formula) or a combination of any of those things.

I have breastfed two babies and done some expressing. FWIW, I've never liked expressing, and I think that exclusively (or mostly) expressing is the worst of both worlds as it's really hard on you... You have to spend the time expressing, preparing bottles, feeding baby, washing and sterilising bottles. If you breastfeed directly it's much more pleasant than expressing (because of the hormones that are released, which boost your mental health). And if you bottle feed with formula, then it doesn't have to be you that does it and you can get longer stretches of sleep. So my advice is that breastfeeding directly is good, switching to formula feeding is good, but continuing to express and give ebm in bottles is probably taking too much toll on you, and it's absolutely ok to stop.

You need to look after yourself so you can be the best mum you can, and for your own sake as well.

@Thatsplentyjack

Formula will cost you roughly £25/week (probably less. That's what mine is but my baby is on lactose free milk so it's quite a bit more expensive, which is ridiculous but there we go).

Why is your baby on lactose-free milk?

Some babies have cow's milk protein allergy (CMPA) and they need hypoallergenic formula.

But lactose intolerance is very rare in babies (there's lactose in all milk). Has your baby been diagnosed with it?

You've had a really rough start OP. I pumped for a bit with both of mine and it was fucking miserable so hats off for doing it for so long. I'm much happier FF and being able to get on with things.

Your HV will be able to advise on help for formula costs. We use cow and gate 1st which is the cheapest one and at around 4-8 months we were getting through a tub every 5-6 days. DD is now down to 3 bottles a day and our supermarket bill has come right down.

@Kirky658 I take my hat off to you OP - with my first I EBF for 12 weeks but we had a lot of issues and I moved to exclusively expressing for the next 2 weeks and it was horrific! I felt like I could get no rest, I was constantly either expressing, feeding or sterilising and I just felt down all the time. I had no time to actually enjoy my baby because I was clock watching making sure I had expressed!

I was “that” mum - I was going to breastfeed and love it and it would be amazing. I cried in the shop at the checkout paying for our first tub of formula - I felt like I was buying poison which is RIDICULOUS when I look back on it because I’m a huge believer that ‘fed is best’ but in the headspace I was in I just felt awful!
Fast forward a few weeks and I felt like a new woman. DS was content, I was happier, as I felt like I had some time to enjoy him. He’s now 10.5months, very healthy, smashing all his milestones and I love being a mum.

It sounds like you both had a very rough start so I think the therapy is a great idea just to help you process things. I hope things get easier and you feel better soon ❤️

@NameChange30, and I need to explain all that to you why?

A box of first infant formula is around £10 depending on brand. When I had a newborn, a box would last us about 2 weeks, so for us the cost was about £20 per month or £240 per year. So while not negligible, the cost is hardly prohibitive - even if you go through a box a week.

Please don't let the (relatively low) cost of formula trump your mental health.

@Ihaveoflate

A box of first infant formula is around £10 depending on brand. When I had a newborn, a box would last us about 2 weeks, so for us the cost was about £20 per month or £240 per year. So while not negligible, the cost is hardly prohibitive - even if you go through a box a week.

Please don't let the (relatively low) cost of formula trump your mental health.

@Ihaveoflate I don’t think it’s very fair to say that when you don’t know OPs financial situation! Also, I don’t think I know anyone who has used one tub every 2 weeks for a newborn 😳 we moved for formula at 14/15weeks and we were going through a tub every 5ish days! DS was on a specialist formula at £15 a tub so the cost definitely did add up!

@namechange30 @rossisthebestfriend yep clock watching to make sure I've expressed, then panicking I haven't expressed enough, and washing and sterilising the bottles.... Man!

@ihaveoflate and @wagglerock thanks. I couldn't see on the boxes how many feeds it would do so it was difficult to work out roughly how much it would cost.

@thatsplentyjack I get what you're saying and please don't think that my DH is making the decision based on me breastfeeding or not, he absolutely is not. He is leaving the decision up to me and me alone. Yes he can't give me advice on breastfeeding but as a biology teacher he can certainly provide the evidence for and against. He is the only person keeping me grounded and sane at the moment and keeps my anxiety at bay.

Just coming on here to agree with everyone that you sound like you’re doing an amazing job. Expressing is totally proper breastfeeding. You’ve given your baby all the same goodness! And it’s so hard on you. I think it’s great that you and dh sound like you’re on the same team and he’s looking after you. Also great that it sounds like you’re starting to get some more support from your health visitor team which is as it should be. I don’t want to minimise what you’re feeling but I definitely turned to my parents and complained that I couldn’t enjoy having my baby as all the decisions were stressing me out so much! With me, that passed pretty quickly and I can’t even remember what made me feel that way. Maybe that’s what your friends mean by saying it will pass. It seems so overwhelming right now with the whole nipple shields / expressing / formula quandary but grumpy fussy baby at around 6 weeks is normal. That said, get all and any advice you need from professionals until you start to get sick of it and want to make your own decisions and then you’ll know you’re through to the other side :) You’re not doing anything wrong and it’s not any of the decisions you’re taking that are going to make or break your baby. You make these decisions for you and for what’s best for your family life. They won’t damage your little one. So I know it’s almost pointless to tell a new mum this, but understand that your worries are typical and you are not failing and this feeling will pass. It may be that tongue tie is something to look into. It may be that there is something else going on too. Not impossible but keep on ploughing on (with support for PPA if necessary) and you’ll get there.

If you don’t want to BF then don’t OP. Pumping is exhausting for you though so would suggest you gradually transition to mixed feeding or formula.

Could I suggest more frequent feeds in the day and then longer apart at night? This might also help with the sickiness as little and often is easier to keep down. Also important to wind very regularly (like several times per feed) especially if you think she may have a Tongue tie as she’ll be taking in more air and as a pp said, that can make them sick.

I also had an early baby (34 weeks) and an awful birth and stress in NICU so I really do feel for you. It’s hard to see the wood for the trees.

@lady1576 @minipie thank you both for your kind words and support. I hope bub is well now @minipie? X

She’s doing well thanks,.. she’s 8 now but I still remember those early days, the stress of NICU stays with you xx

OP don't worry about the cost of the formula unless you're on a really really tight budget (in which case talk to your HV about getting help towards it). I found formula cost about the same as BFing in terms of calories - I was doing 50/50 so it was about £5-6 a week for the formula and about £7 in extra calories for me. I was using Aptamil which is more expensive so you'd be looking at less than £10 per week with something like Cow and Gate or one of the own brand ones (Sainsbury's did do one, not sure if they still do, Aldi does one).

Glad you are being supported. I think your approach is really good.

If you’re expressing and switch to formula, it will still be at least a couple of weeks or reducing down supply to avoid mastitis.

Plan to slowly drop the nights first. I found this really hard as I’d wake up in lots of pain. Slowly drop one or two a week. It’s a faff, but it will help prevent engorged breasts. So you can combo feed for a while longer if that works for you. You will notice an uplift in your mood when you stop altogether. And once your about 4 times a day, take a view again about how sustainable it is. You can change your mind at any time to drop or increase supply. Once your at once or twice a day, your supply will drop off naturally.

Absolutely don't feel like a failure as the way you feed your baby is so irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.

Do what works for you

DS was in hospital as a baby and had to stop b/fing him so they could understand what was making him so ill, which ended up being an intolerance to cow's milk. Well, that's what the doctors said at the time.

Fast forward 13 years and he eats ice cream like everyone else

Hi OP,
I just wanted to come in with a bit of solidarity and say I know how hard it is. My LO is 5 weeks old and had a similar experience and struggled to BF (managed for 2 weeks then milk supply went downhill). It sounds to me like you're doing amazingly well! I know that's hard to believe when you feel like you're doing everything wrong. Just know that if formula is the way you end up going it really isn't isn't end of the world as happy Mum and happy baby is the ultimate goal here. As a PP said, you have given your LO the best of your breast milk already so give yourself a pat on the back for that!
You had made a really positive step already by asking for help, try to be kind to yourself and take the pressure of yourself a little bit. I know it is easier said than done but if you start talking to yourself in a more positive way and focusing on what you are doing well rather than where you feel your are going wrong I think you will start to enjoy your LO a bit more.
Sending your lots of positive thoughts

Hi there, firstly I just wanted to reiterate what others are saying- you are doing an amazing job!
I just wanted to pick up on something you said earlier about expressing & how you feel you are in some way not feeding your baby 'properly' because of this. As someone who has never breastfed but has expressed (and formula fed) I just wanted to say that I know how you feel. But....if you and I were to go out and share a slice of cake and I ate mine with my hands and you used a cake fork we would still have eaten the same piece of cake, just with different 'tools'! So what I'm trying to say is that if you give your baby breast milk straight from the breast or expressed and in to a bottle, they have still had breastmilk. So you need to give yourself massive credit for that because expressing is bloody brutal. Please be kind to yourself! X

Not entirely your situation, but I had a baby on scbu after a traumatic birth and had the kind of feeding issues you describe. Scbu demanded bottle/ expressed milk- and by the time he got out it felt impossible to try and get him on the boob (plus I was mentally in a bad place by then).
As others have said, the feeding feels very important at the start but honestly, later, I can barely remember when I stopped expressing. No one cares, less of all my son.
What you need to concentrate on is yourself, how to heal yourself. Combi feeding could take some pressure off and doesn't need to be the end for breastfeeding?
It will get so much better I promise. I found birth and scbu so traumatising, I felt so detatched from my baby and not like a 'parent' at all for a lot of those early days, so I do really get how you feel and your desire to bfeed.
Sending love x