Just can't cope with newborn

[Kirky658]

I have a beautiful baby girl who is coming up to 6 weeks old this week. She was born at 35 weeks by Emergency C Section as I was so ill with severe pre eclampsia. I stayed in hospital for 11 nights and LO in NICU and SCBU for 16 days. Lots of other dramas ensued with both my care and hers and it was an awful experience. We came home around 3 weeks ago and everything was great while DH was on paternity leave as I had loads of help.

Now I feel like I am just failing at every turn. I wanted to breastfeed and she couldn't latch so had to turn to a nipple shield which I hated. When she was in NICU we had to feed her EBM in specific amounts to ensure she put weight on so I can't mentally deal with breastfeeding as I don't know how much she's having now. I am still expressing and bottle feeding 6 times a day.

I just feel like I can't enjoy her being a baby because I get so stressed and anxious over every little thing. She is constantly hungry between feeds but if I feed her more she's often sick as if she can't take that much. I'm just at a loss. My parents have said to give her formula as it will keep her full for longer but with the lack of 'proper' breastfeeding I'd feel even more guilty moving to formula.

I have been referred to the mental health team and having counselling at the moment but I just feel like I can't cope properly. I love her dearly but I just don't know where else to turn.

You have been through a lot. I couldn't hack breast feeding especially my eldest as we had been through quite a heavy duty labour. Honestly, the main thing is that your baby is fed and you are well. If that means formula then so be it. Yes, it is great to breastfeed and, like all things, there are passionate people who will argue that it is the only way but it isn't and it seems to me that formula is just for these situations. Mine is now a lumbering 26 year old. He hasn't got written across his forhead'your mother failed at breastfeeding'. As women we beat ourselves up for so much and this is just the start. Listen to your parents as your health comes first as from that your baby's health will come. You've been through a very, very tough time so be kind to yourself and stop punishing yourself by societal expectations of perfect motherhood. Do what is necessary and hugs.

@mumoftwoinprimary the 4 hourly was so I could get some rest as I was exhausted due to needing to express at the same time as every feed. Now we are feeding at 2am and 6am so I get some sleep. We were doing 3 hourly initially. If I'm being totally honest, the thought of just breastfeeding even for one feed, makes me feel panicky. I basically just don't want to do it. But feel bad because I don't.

If it makes you feel better, I told the midwife that I wanted to tear him from me and hurl him at the wall. It induced such awful squiggly feelings in me. I loved my baby beyond anything and thought I'm not sitting here tense as wanting it to stop and gritting my teeth - that's not parenting and I had a mega hungry baby! Don't feel bad for doing what is right for you.

Hi @Kirky658
I’m so sorry about your birth experience and being separated from your baby. I had a bad experience (my baby is now 3.5 months old) - nowhere comparable to what you have been through but even so I still cried thinking about it for the first couple of months after birth.

My baby also constantly wanted to feed but seemed to always throw it back up. He was always unsettled and I didn’t enjoy it at all and felt like the worst mother in the world for not being able to solve his problems. Long story short he had a poor latch which made him quite windy, and was also often overtired.

I switched to majority of day feeds being expressed milk in bottles, which helped a lot. If you can, get an electric
pump so while baby is on one boob the other is pumping. We built breastfeeding back up and now he just has a couple of bottles so its not such an effort to pump.
My baby is much better now and I am enjoying him. Dummy has also helped.

I agree with the PP who said only feedingevery 4 hours seems to big gap.

One day at a time is my mantra for the bad days. Each awful day you get through is a step closer to the good ones x

Sending you love darling
You are doing a wonderful job

I'll bet if men gave birth the word "guilt" would not even enter into their vocabulary.
They would do what was easiest for them and the baby.
I had a baby as a single mum at 21 and just did whatever was easiest for me (I was young and carefree). I did what my instinct told me to do, I couldn't cope with breastfeeding so didn't.
We had a great time and nobody died.
He's 40 now and a perfectly healthy marathon runner.
Don't be so hard on yourself.

Wow well done OP you're doing so well! Honestly, I am breastfeeding my baby and I've never really expressed but that's because it seems like such hard work and you're doing it! Please try telling yourself everyday that you are doing a great job, keep those positive thoughts in mind and let the negative ones go.

Sorry if this has been mentioned, but could your baby have reflux? Just wondered because of the fussiness and vomiting. Might be worth looking on the nhs website at reflux and seeing is this sounds like your baby could be having this. My baby has it and just some changes to your diet, positioning of the baby can help.

Be kind to yourself, you're a lovely Mum to your baby.

I had a preterm section for vasa previa and had a very small baby who didn’t do well at feeding. I know it was him not me as compared with my full term baby he was completely different. I was on bed rest for 25 weeks so not going into the birth in the best state, and I wasn’t well myself.
Hormonally I don’t think things were quite right, a section is different, so the combination with a small weak baby wasn’t good.
I kept going and things looked up after two months. Baby went from growth restricted and tiny to the 96th percentile on breastmilk alone.
How you’re feeling is normal, your baby needs a bit more time to get things right but you will both get there.
I had nightmares about the late pregnancy and birth for the first year but it fades.

Sounds like it's been a rough start, I had a rough ride with dd1 too, not the same experience as you but jaundice, feeding issues, suspected meningitis etc. My anxiety was through the roof and those first few weeks were really hard and I didn't enjoy it much at all. Things that helped were a walk pushing the pram especially around 5pm, the last hour before dh came home, baths for me and chocolate! Feeding was a big thing for me, I did ebf dd1 and it was hard, relentless for a while and I worried she wasn't getting enough. It was pretty stressful. By the time dd2 came along I'd decided to cut myself some slack to make life easier all round, she was combi fed and we had a perfect prep machine which just helped remove the stress of feeding. It helped take pressure of me too as other people could feed her.
Just to say these days do pass and it will get better, be kind to yourself and find little ways to make you feel better and make life easier. Take care.

Oh darling. I struggled so much with the newborn stage and especially breastfeeding and that’s without everything you have gone through. You have had such a rough start, no wonder you are anxious. I just wanted to come here as someone who had such challenges getting my own baby to breastfeed to let you know it can be possible to overcome it. We used nipple shields too alongside pumping and bottle feeding breast milk, and had horrible reflux where after all that effort she’d spew it all up again. It was soul destroying. Get absolutely all the help you can from your local infant feeding team, La Leche League, anyone, if it’s important to you, you can do it. It took me 12 weeks to wean off the shields. It felt like it would always be impossible but as my baby grew and her mouth got bigger and my confidence also grew, we were able to get rid. I’d pick a time of day where she wasn’t too tetchy - mornings were good for us - and just try. I was advised to use the shields then slip them off mid feed but what I found worked better for us was to just try to latch her first and then top her up using the shields to make sure she’d got enough. I aimed for one feed a day without them at first then gradually added another and another. The anxiety of not knowing how much she’d had only really went away after multiple weigh ins showed she was on track so book plenty of those in too for your own peace of mind. That said, absolutely do not feel guilty if formula ends up being a choice you make for your own sanity - and it should only be your choice. I EBF until 6 months and am very happily combi feeding now with zero regrets as it works best for our family now. Wishing you lots of love and luck. Hang in there, it gets better, I promise. I remember googling “I hate having a baby” wondering if I’d made the worst mistake of my life... that baby is 7.5mo now and a delight (mostly, haha) x

I struggled to feed DS for four months. Sucked in by the breast is best etc. I persevered when a sane person would have stopped. It messed with my MH.
You need to look after yourself and feed your child. If that means formula milk then so be it. Take care OP.

It's a shock to the system isn't it.
You haven't had an easy ride, be gentle on yourself.

Honestly, you're doing amazing. It doesn't matter how you feed them. As long as she is gaining weight and thriving. Try not to feel guilty. You're doing your best by her.

Do you think maybe it's shock for you too? Obviously anyone would understand why. No one plans on having PE, Emergency c-section and have a poorly mum and baby.

That's a massive shock to your system. Especially when it's not what you had planned.

You could also be suffering with PND so make sure you get checked and get the right help x

So sorry I just read your reply to a PP that you don’t want to breastfeed, please ignore my previous reply then if your mind is made up on that, just do what works for you. You have not failed. Your baby is fed and loved and you are everything she needs x

@emmainparis not at all lovely, really good to hear about your experiences.

@blueberrysugar thank you, I am under the local parent and baby mental health team. And getting some counseling from them...x

Hello OP, not the same experience but my 1st was born at 31 weeks and spent 5 weeks in NICU, like you i missed out on lots of experiences like getting to hold baby straight away etc. (Not because of pre eclampsia tho). I really wanted to breastfeed too but baby was being fed with a bottle (EBM) and had really bad acid reflux plus a tongue tie for the first 5 weeks. I felt like such a failure because i couldnt breastfeed but i continued to Express milk for 4 months and then used formula. My child is a healthy pre schooler now. I know its hard and you are right, its not how you imagine motherhood to start off as but its not your fault and you are not a failure. Ive just had my 2nd child (full term) and im breastfeeding. Im not doing anything different, its just a different circumstance to the 1st. You are doing a fantastic job. Please do continue to get help, i didnt and suffered with really bad pnd. Enjoy your newborn, they really do grow quickly.

OP you need to give yourself a beak here. You give her the dummy as much as she wants it. None of this worrying that she will be too dependent on it. How many adults do you see wandering around with a dummy?
I had my third 7 months ago. I was determined I would manage to breast feed this time. I put myself through hell for weeks, and no matter what I did, there wasn't enough milk for her. She was basically completely bottle fed. It was when my health visitor told me that I should probably give up that I did. I cried and felt like a failure for a couple of days and then I felt like this weight had been lifted and I could enjoy my baby, and get my own body back a bit. If you feel like breast feeding is causing you stress, give up. Sometimes you have to think of yourself first. Yes breast milk is technically best but if its a choice between that and your mental health, it's a no brain really.
We are lucky to have a feeding alternative these days and it's OK tk take advantage of that.
I've got 3. All bottle fed, all healthy happy, thriving children.

Just bottle feed and your parents and partner can support you more while you get back to full health after a difficult birth.

There's a lot of pressure on here to breastfeed - but honestly better a happy and rested Mum than one who is exhausted from expressing and breast feeding.

My comment will be considered really unhelpful - but you have a responsibility to be fit and healthy as you will be a better Mum than if you're so tired you can't think straight.

Please don't feel like you're a failure. You're doing the absolute best for your baby. I had my son at 34 weeks due to severe preeclampsia and was in hell for the first few weeks. I never managed to breastfeed as there was no way he would latch. Many local NCT groups do free Zoom breastfeeding sessions weekly that may help you. There are many Facebook and WhatsApp groups for them. Things will get easier, even though it doesn't feel like it tat the moment x

By the way I also never wanted to breastfeed but thought I should try. Formula fed/expressed 3 hours around the clock until he was bigger. Gave up expressing after 8 weeks as it was too much.

I expressed, breast fed and topped up with formula my first. It was hell on earth as all I did was feed. It was very very bad for my mental health. I let it go on for months when really I should have just packed it in. When I had dd2 I was much more mentally well, able to cope and I really think not breastfeeding her was the reason. I don’t even think it was just the gruelling nature of the constant feeding but also that I was really sensitive to the hormones. Every time she latched and I felt the let down I used to just be in floods of tears.
Don’t feel guilty about formula feeding if you need to

I don't have any kids so can't offer you baby advice but if your baby was born on her due date she'd only be a week old now and you would be trying to figure everything out.

As it is you've had at least six incredibly stressful weeks of the birth and recovery plus a premature baby on top of trying to figure everything out. No wonder you are feeling overcome with everything.

You are doing great and doing the right thing by asking for advice. Take all the support you are offered and don't be afraid to ask family and friends for help when you need it. No one who cares about you would want to see you struggle alone.

I'm sorry you've had such a rough start. I can completely relate as I had similar with my first child who was in NICU for 2 weeks. Trying to BF and express was too much for me, I couldn't cope mentally and it triggered PND. I switched to formula, had CBT and antidepressants and started to actually enjoy being a mum! My son is a brilliant, happy, healthy 3 year old now.

In my experience you will receive alot of advice about BF from people who mean well but just don't understand the mental difficulty you find yourself in. Not everyone is starting from a level playing field with it and if you want to stop just stop. If you do stop be prepared that you may well feel hugely emotional, regretful and guilty at first. But that will pass and you will start to feel better and see the bigger picture that feeding is just one small part of parenthood. And most importantly hopefully start to enjoy your lovely baby which is really all that matters in the end. Good luck x

You've had such a challenging time off it. All that matters is that you and DD are healthy and thriving - physically and mentally. B F did not work out for me with my first, I felt guilty, anxious and disappointed. However he thrived being FF. with my second I decided me being chilled out and rested was the most important thing so only did colostrum and then straight to formula.

It's good you are getting some support

I breastfed for 11 weeks, expressed and combi feeding only added stress and honestly the day I went to full formula feeding was a light switching on for me. I couldn’t believe something that was so natural to other people was such a colossal pain in the ass for me. It really is not for everyone so don’t hold yourself to giving breastmilk if formula would work better for you. Happy mum, happy Bub and that x

OP I'm so sorry you're feeling low. One of my friends had terrible post natal anxiety that abated when she stopped breastfeeding. I think if you at least supplement with formula you won't have the worry that she's hungry. I know that's a really tough decision to make though. I think you will feel better soon!