I really really need help with my daughter

[foreverinadaze]

My dd has just gone one. I've posted before about my mental health issues and being off sick from work but right now my daughters behaviour is worrying and frustrating me and I was wondering if anyone knows if it's normal

Shes just gone one as stated. She has an afternoon nap which we now do in the pram, some days she has a morning nap but not often.

She's a total grump when she's awake. Screaming and shouting and proper screaming. Like going bright red from screaming. This all stems from having things out of her reach like wires etc. She has plenty of toys. She just crys all the time. Proper sobbing and going bright red. Weve recently installed safety gates, walking is very close to happening and when we shut them she cries. Even if we are in the same room as her.

Her eating has changed. She used to be an amazing eater but now she barely eats. Most goes on the floor. I tried some of the suggestions in a previous post of giving her little amounts but she doesn't eat and then cries because she's hungry. We offer her the food back and she just throws it

She still pinches and bites and claws and generally really bloody hurts me. Again tried some suggestions, tried distraction which worked fine for a couple of days until it didn't.
I know she probably doesn't understand what she's doing but it's hard

Shes only just gone 1 and I cant handle her now never mind when she goes 2.

I'm off work wirh mental health issues and I'm barely coping

Any suggestions would be great

Mine just had a single nap by that age too. However I'd try bringing it forward. We did 1130 til 130, it's a pain as it's over lunch time but what can you do. With my oldest I used to make a sandwich and stick it in the fridge ready so that I could eat it while rocking the pram with my foot. It sucked, but not as much as listening to her scream!

Add some screen time. Half an hour of cbeebies while you shower or whatever will do no harm.

It does just sound like a development stage, so it will pass. Frustrating just now though.

The prewalking stage can be incredibly hard and frustrating. What interactions does she have with other children. Any mums and tots playgroups you could get to, swimming, park, buggyfit? Anything to get you both out regularly and which could tire her out and distract her. Teething can affect eating and mood, well before they erupt.

We do have a carbon monoxide detector in her room. Before we had kids i wanted to move it anyway and replace it but then I fell pregnant 8 weeks after buying the house and then covid happened.

There is no mother and baby groups round here. They are all fully booked. Im on a couple of waiting lists Shes barely had any interaction with other Children. I feel such a bad mum saying that. I'm definitely going to try get her out more but I don't know where. We don't drive and where we live there isn't much. We go to the park a lot.

I dont know what a cranial osteopath is.

Definitely going yo implant a morning nap. I'm going to try the cot today but failing that I'll be out for another walk.

To be honest it sounds frustrating for her and you, but her too.

Advice would be to pear it right back. How much do you interact with her and play toys with her as she sounds like she is bored.

I would stop everything and focus completely on the two of you, lots of sitting on the sofa playing with toys, lots together time just being. Lots of love and attention for the two of you. She is young so will adapt easily.

Also take her to the library if you can, that’s a good place that’s warm and full of colour and something new for her to look at.

Also I wouldn’t keep putting her in the pram, it’s boring to be spending so much time in it, does she spend a lot of the time in the pram? Not including sleeping obviously.

She spends more time in a pram purely cos we don't drive and it's public transport or walking. She is never in it at home.

We do play together on the floor a lot and she has a lot of toys. We read a lot together. Play outside in paddling pool.

Our local library closed due to lack of funding. It feels like there's nothing here and because of covid what there is available is snatched up and like I said I am on a few waiting lists for places but I get the impression there few and far between.

Can you access a larger town by bus? Does your oh drive? Any children's centres nearby?

There are buses that go places. We get them but we've been to the same places over and over. Off the top of my head there's a soft play which she didn't like, a couple or farm's which she does quite like but again it's 3 buses there and 3 back and she's so frustrated by the time we get back I wonder why we bothered going. And a few mum and baby groups but again waiting lists. There isn't even a leisure centre nearby so I could take her swimming.
I think im bored as well to be fair.
Neither of us drive. It was on the to do list but covid demolished our savings.

She won't find it boring to revisit the same places. It does not sound as of your current location is sustainable longer term, might moving be an option.

She sounds like a difficult child. Hoping it gets easier as she gets older!

Do you have a jumparoo? It was literally a lifesaver for us. I was able to leave DS in it whilst showering and cleaning and most of the time he’d rock himself to sleep and I’d transfer him to the cot.

How about a car drive? When it all got too much I just used to take him for a long drive and he’d fall asleep. It was bliss.

Can you get someone (maybe hired help) to take him for even just an hour a day so you can reset?

It’s so so tough, I’m sorry it’s impacting you so much.

I also used to put on the tv on whilst he was in the jumparoo. I think it was just white noise to him and put him to sleep.

Moving isn't an option. We would lose money if we sold our current house and moved elsewhere. The actual location isn't bad but if you want to go anywhere its easier and quicker with a car

I can relate a bit, my DD is 14 months. Only on one nap a day usually despite needing more because she is very hard to get to nap. People with babies a similar age keep saying how much they adore this age and it's wonderful but I'm finding it pretty hard going!

I still bf and spend feeds being pinched clawed. If I try to get her to hold my hand or my top she bats me away and keeps pinching my boob instead 😭

No walking here yet either but as soon as that's the case I will be getting her out and about eg. Jumping in puddles and kicking piles of leaves to help occupy her more. I recently got one of those silicone bubble toys that pops like bubble wrap which she can sit and fiddle with for a while quite happily. Could you do some painting or baking together? My baking is me doing the baking and DD sat in her highchair pulled up to the washing machine so she can press all the buttons 😬

Morning nap did not go well. She screamed the entire 30 minute walk around. Going to try the cot tomorrow. Now shes overtired. She literally hasn't slept all day today. By the time I got her back in the pram for her afternoon nap she was too worked up. She also hasn't eaten all day as well.

I wouldn't try the cot, not if she gets worked up about going in there during the day. Maybe just have some quiet time together i the morning snuggled up on the sofa looking at books?

I'm assuming DH is in bed? If not, you could always try a nap in bed with you?

How was she at breakfast before the first failed nap?

@DominicRaabsTravelAgent

I wouldn't try the cot, not if she gets worked up about going in there during the day. Maybe just have some quiet time together i the morning snuggled up on the sofa looking at books?

I'm assuming DH is in bed? If not, you could always try a nap in bed with you?

How was she at breakfast before the first failed nap?

I like the idea of quiet time cuddled up. That might be better than putting her in the cot. I already know how that will go down. And it will involve tears from both of us. He is in bed. He has tomorrow off so I could always try sleeping together. I'm always up for a nap She was fine at breakfast. She didn't eat much. She still has a lot of milk. Another mum guilt thing. She has like 500 mils of cows milk a day. So I think the not eating breakfast is cos she was full.

@Dragonpox

My advice is to get out of the house as much as possible. Spending hours inside can mean little behaviours become infuriating. Go for a walk, the zoo, push round the shops etc. Go to some baby groups where you can get some adult interaction and she gets novel toys.

Absolutely this. Get out all day long if you need to

She still has a lot of milk. Another mum guilt thing. She has like 500 mils of cows milk a day. So I think the not eating breakfast is cos she was full.

Try not to feel guilty, easier said than done I know but do think about cutting down on her milk. Ideally she should be having 300 ml a day of full fat milk.

Is there a milk feed that you can spit that would be easy to drop? Maybe the first one abs go straight to breakfast?

@DominicRaabsTravelAgent

She still has a lot of milk. Another mum guilt thing. She has like 500 mils of cows milk a day. So I think the not eating breakfast is cos she was full.

Try not to feel guilty, easier said than done I know but do think about cutting down on her milk. Ideally she should be having 300 ml a day of full fat milk.

Is there a milk feed that you can spit that would be easy to drop? Maybe the first one abs go straight to breakfast?

I could do the breakfast one and give her half a cup rather than the full one she currently has. The nighttime one she isn't ready to stop or even reduce. She downs it. She doesn't always drink all her morning one. So could I give her half of the usual amount and her usual breakfast together? Does the 300 mils of milk include things we use in cooking and stuff? Sorry this is all new to me

@foreverinadaze

We do have a carbon monoxide detector in her room. Before we had kids i wanted to move it anyway and replace it but then I fell pregnant 8 weeks after buying the house and then covid happened.

There is no mother and baby groups round here. They are all fully booked. Im on a couple of waiting lists Shes barely had any interaction with other Children. I feel such a bad mum saying that. I'm definitely going to try get her out more but I don't know where. We don't drive and where we live there isn't much. We go to the park a lot.

I dont know what a cranial osteopath is.

Definitely going yo implant a morning nap. I'm going to try the cot today but failing that I'll be out for another walk.

See your hv Tell h v

If you struggling they may be able to get you into a group or get you a visiting volunteer or buddy

I know what you mean about baby and toddler groups being full. I can't get into any either. It's ok for as I'm on my second and already know some other mums, but it's shit for first timers.

Id drop the morning milk and swap it for something like porridge that is quite milky anyway. Pretty sure the 300-500 ml recommended includes cheese, yogurts and what you add to food. It actually adds up pretty quickly once you look at it.

Definitely keep the nighttime milk but yes, try her with breakfast and just a cup of milk tomorrow

Oh OP this sounds really tough! A few ideas -
I agree that a morning nap would help a lot, they get very grumpy when they’re overtired! One of my friend’s has a little girl who only naps in the car/pushchair. She bought a cheap buggy second hand on Facebook, has cleaned the wheels and it’s the “indoor buggy”. She pushes it around the living room/kitchen until her little girl goes to sleep and then she can run around the house and get things done. You could also bring the mattress out of the cot and put it on the floor in the living room (with the sheet on etc). You could lie with her and see if she falls asleep like that and then creep away? Need to use the baby monitor if the living room isn’t totally baby proofed in case she wakes up but again gives you some time in the house where she’s asleep. Or get a bed guard for your bed and go for a nap with her - my little girl always sleeps longer with me and it means you’ll get some rest too as you sound shattered! This may mean you have more energy in the evening too. I would also add some sleep associations - you could introduce a teddy/little blanket or play white noise on your phone for example - while she’s in the buggy having her nap and at bedtime. Over time she will associate these with sleep and you can then use them to work towards cot naps if you’d like.
In terms of getting things done, it may be easier to “take her with you” than try and get her to play independently. Some ideas:

• can she play in the bottom of the shower while you shower if you put a non slip mat down? Toys/bath crayons? You could then wash her when your finished so her bath/shower for the day is done too.
• Putting shopping away - can she “help” by pulling things out of the bags for you? Playing with Tupperware on a blanket on the kitchen floor?
• Cleaning - can you give her a clean sponge or cloth so she can “help” too?

Babyproofing as much as possible so you don’t have to constantly say no/move things will save your sanity and may make her less grumpy too. I have a cable box that I’ve put all the wires in so it’s just one wire, you can also buy covers that go over the wire and attach to the wall. Make sure furniture is secured to the wall, and put away anything breakable for now eg candles.

Ooh and one more idea - have you got a neighbourhood Facebook group? If so it may be worth posting in it and asking if there’s any mums who’d like to meet up for a walk or has any recommendations for places to go out with your little one. There’s lots of posts like that in my local group. There may be a specific mums Facebook group for your area too which will have event/activity ideas in it.

A review with your health visitor or gp, I agree would good op.

I'm also wondering how much is down to communication frustrations given that she's not quite talking?

I'm sure you're already doing your best to anticipate her needs, I wonder if you've looked at baby signing?

Hopefully you wouldn't need it for long but a few basic signs might be helpful until she can otherwise communicate what she wants.

Good luck, I really feel for you