I really really need help with my daughter

[foreverinadaze]

My dd has just gone one. I've posted before about my mental health issues and being off sick from work but right now my daughters behaviour is worrying and frustrating me and I was wondering if anyone knows if it's normal

Shes just gone one as stated. She has an afternoon nap which we now do in the pram, some days she has a morning nap but not often.

She's a total grump when she's awake. Screaming and shouting and proper screaming. Like going bright red from screaming. This all stems from having things out of her reach like wires etc. She has plenty of toys. She just crys all the time. Proper sobbing and going bright red. Weve recently installed safety gates, walking is very close to happening and when we shut them she cries. Even if we are in the same room as her.

Her eating has changed. She used to be an amazing eater but now she barely eats. Most goes on the floor. I tried some of the suggestions in a previous post of giving her little amounts but she doesn't eat and then cries because she's hungry. We offer her the food back and she just throws it

She still pinches and bites and claws and generally really bloody hurts me. Again tried some suggestions, tried distraction which worked fine for a couple of days until it didn't.
I know she probably doesn't understand what she's doing but it's hard

Shes only just gone 1 and I cant handle her now never mind when she goes 2.

I'm off work wirh mental health issues and I'm barely coping

Any suggestions would be great

This may sound like a weird idea but could you add wheels to the bottom of her cot? I've done this and it works great for settling my Lo (also just 1). I pop Lo down for a nap and when they fuss and cry I just roll to cot back and forth for a minute or two, getting slower and spacing out the rocking as I sense them nodding off. I keep the room dark and white noise on. I know it depends on the type of cot and your flooring as to how effective this may be, so sorry if it's no good.

I agree with pp that doesn't look like enough sleep. Can you go out in the buggy for half an hour at 8:30 or 9am? If she's been on 1 nap for a while you might not achieve 2. I agree with pp suggestion make the nap earlier, so lunch 11 (both mine had lunch at 11 for ages), then bed - ideally in the cot. You don't need to leave her to cry, you can help her go to sleep by shushing and patting or whatever works. If she's not asleep by 12 then buggy it. Say she sleeps till 2:30. I would then put her to bed at 5:30.

Could your DH watch her for 10 minutes in the morning whilst you have a shower, before they go to bed?

As for things like putting the shopping away, if it's delivered, arrange for it to come when she's gone to bed. If she's home, it's fine to etcher watch CBeebies for 10 minutes or sit her in the kitchen floor with a wooden spoon, some dried pasta and a couple of saucepans and let her play.

I would do lunch at 11 and nap straight after. With a nice early breakfast. Maybe she can have milk and some porridge/ banana at the same time?

I’m trying to remember what DD did at that age. I remembered age 1 being totally awful and a vicious cycle of over tiredness! But it’s all about the naps and snacks.

I would try to knacker her out in the morning as much as possible, then early lunch. And lateish afternoon nap. Will Peppa pig on the sofa with a blanket work? With all the curtains closed?

I have newborn twins so I’m vowing this time I won’t be going out in the pram for naptimes, so I’ve started working on the self settling already. Praying it works long term as DD was a nightmare for getting to sleep.

Hope things improve for you soon.

sleeps like a dream in her cot overnight. Will not entertain it thru day. Tried white noise which we use on a night. She just screams the house down and becomes really over upset

My DSIL had this with her DS. She put a single bed in his room with a bed guard and he slept in that fine for naps at that age but just wouldn't entertain his cot for daytime naps.

When he was older, she just removed the cot and he slept in the bed.

@Indecisivelurcher

I agree with pp that doesn't look like enough sleep. Can you go out in the buggy for half an hour at 8:30 or 9am? If she's been on 1 nap for a while you might not achieve 2. I agree with pp suggestion make the nap earlier, so lunch 11 (both mine had lunch at 11 for ages), then bed - ideally in the cot. You don't need to leave her to cry, you can help her go to sleep by shushing and patting or whatever works. If she's not asleep by 12 then buggy it. Say she sleeps till 2:30. I would then put her to bed at 5:30.

Respectfully, I disagree with this. If she is truly sleeping 12-12.5h overnight with 2h naps in the day, that is plenty of sleep. I’m certain none of the babies in my NCT group were clocking up that much at 1 year. The amount of sleep is correct, but it (and subsequently the meals) are at the wrong time. I would not bring bedtime any earlier than 6:30 or 7. There is only so much sleep a 1 year old can have overnight and 12h is already incredible. Bring bedtime any earlier and you’ll end up with an early start that will perpetuate the problem of too much awake time pre nap. If she was on two naps this would be less of a problem, but a 1 year old is going to really struggle with a 5:30 start and only one nap.

I agree 6-7hrs before a nap sounds a long stretch for a 1yr old. At that age my two would have a 30-45 min nap around 9.30/10am, as well as a longer nap straight after lunch around 12.30. During the morning nap was when I’d shower. Can you try this? Even do buggy walks for a couple of weeks to establish the routine then attempt buggy rocking in the house?

I'm with some of the pp's here about a morning nap. I would try to get her down around 10 and again around 2. In a few more months she'll be ready to drop the first nap so you can bring lunch forward.

Snack/milk and sleep at 10, lunch at 12, play time, then snack/milk snooze at 2, awake by 3 for tea playtime bath etc and if you need to push bedtime back half an hour.

Mine wasn't really ready to move to one nap till 16 months old.

@AliceW89 I agree about the amount of sleep sounding OK, just thought the upset might be too long wake windows. It's a difficult one.

My nearly 3 year old is often tired by 1pm if she has been up at 6.30am. You either need to go back up to two naps (using the buggy if needed) or you need to bring the single nap much earlier. 11.30 quick lunch and then nap straight after.

Also I don’t mean to sound harsh but how much stuff can you possibly have to do in the house? Lots of people manage to keep on top of their houses whilst holding down two full day time jobs so you should really be able to dedicate most of the day to your LO and then do house jobs around this. For example if she is in bed by 7pm then you can do cleaning etc then and you could adjust your online supermarket shop to come in the evenings so you can put it away without DD there. I really think your priority needs to be getting her to have a morning nap as well, she doesn’t sound ready for just one. A pp said that it would be too much sleep but she would likely do two shorter naps (ie if she naps in the morning then the afternoon one would become shorter) so it’s not so much that she needs more sleep in total across 24 hours but that you might be making her wait too long to nap. So she still might only have 2 hours daytime sleep but this would be spread across morning and afternoon to stop her getting overtired. Then you would actually still have the same amount of time to do other stuff but it would just be freeing up a bit of time in the afternoons.

I've contradicted myself there haven't I! I meant, oh yes I see what you mean the amount of sleep does sound OK, now I've added it up. But I think she is awake too long in between sleeps. I'll bow out, clearly my bedtime!

Does she have a bouncer or a walker? My dd LOVED hers just before she could properly walk.

It's bloody hard though, I know exactly how you're feeling

A morning nap would more than likely solve alot of your issues. A 1 year old should really be getting 12-14 hours sleep a night and 2 naps a day. Both mine had 2 naps until well into 2 then dropped to 1. I agree with a previous comment, sack the housework off, your sanity and your child's wellbeing is more important. It will get easier

Call your h v
Have her checked by go

I've seen your other posts OP and I think you're in a perfect storm of having a rubbish time with your mental health and then a frustrating stage of development with your DD. I found 12-18 months incredibly hard going as they're basically just big babies with more abilities and zero sense. Both of you will get better. ♥️

Hopefully the medication will help soon, are you on the wait list for any therapy? I'd agree with PP saying call your HV for support - just Google your area and HV service and it should come up with the details. You should have a check up for your DD at around 1 so it's worth chasing that up too.

Can you afford any childcare? Even if it's just a day or two to take the pressure off. Practical wise - you don't have to entertain them all day, if you need to put the shopping away you have to put the shopping away. I have little "stations" set up round the house to put my DD in so I know she's safe while I get on with jobs and she has toys to play with. She has a crawl round the bathroom while I shower, it's not ideal but it's that or nothing most days. I try to batch cook a bit at weekends when my DH is here so I don't have to prep every day - no real harm ever came because your kid ate the same sort of pasta 3 days in a row.

Definitely agree with previous posts about naps, it is a very long time from 6.30am to your first nap. I've got a 2.5y.o. who would struggle with that!

What do you do when baby is in bed in the evening? Given your baby has amazing night time sleep, surely there is your me-time right there.Mine sleeps like a log for the first few hours so i can shower then also have food deliveries, wash up noisily, phone friends, watch TV, etc. I've even vacuumed downstairs and is hasnt disturbed my son. If your baby sleeps straight through 12 hours that is amazing, and you should be so smug and proud of that.

To answer a few questions

I cant shower at night. We have an incredibly old creaky boiler and an even older shower. The boiler is in my daughters room and it would definitely wake her even with the white noise. My husband is home usually at 7 to 9 qm depending on his shifts and he will take her when he's home before going to bed so i can have a shower. Then he will get one

There isn't a lot to do in the house, no. And i appreciate both people in households work full time. We have never worked the Monday to Friday 9 5 jobs. He works overnights and I work 2 to 3 days q week from 3 am till about midday. I was full time but have dropped for my mental health sake.

I dont tend to relax on an evening purely because the new medication I'm on is wiping me out. Once she's in bed I'm in bed. And it isn't long before I'm asleep. I'm hoping this eases as time passes

I will rearrange the food shop delivery yo come in the evening once I aren't falling asleep as soon as 7pm hits.

I am going to try and get her out for another walk or try putting her bafk in the cot. It's very very hard to know when ahes tired before she becomes overtired. She has no sleep cues whatsoever. She can be happily playing with no issues and then suddenly start to scream

We can't afford childcare. Even with me full time we couldn't. It's one of the reasons we do the shifts we do. I've looked into childminders as well as nursery's and it works out there'd be no point me working at all. It may be more feasible in tje future

I do appreciate all the comments

And we were at the gp last week who said there's nothing physically wrong with her. Shes just being a toddler. His words. I'll give the health visitor line a call. She hasn't had a review yet. Didnt even know they were supposed to have one to be honest

I feel for you OP, 1 year olds are hard. My DD was doing 2 naps at that age but she’s 16 months now and recently dropped her afternoon nap. I tried a nap after lunch and she’s miserable as hell so she has one in the morning and she’s much happier.

Usual day:-
6-7: wake and milk
8: breakfast
Trip to the shop/park to tire her out & a snack
10/10:30: goes down around this time and sleeps for 2 hours
Lunch on waking
2: milk & snack
4: dinner (early dinner)
6: upstairs for bath/milk
Usually asleep between 6:30-7.

I take her to the park after lunch or between dinner and bath too.

Realise that’s a long wake window before bed but it works for her. She’s much happier napping in the morning.

Can I suggest seeing a cranial oestopath who is trained to worked with babies it always calms babies down.

@foreverinadaze it’s quite common for babies this age to lose their sleep cues and go straight to grumpy. Go off wake windows instead to start with. And it will likely take a good few days to see any difference, don’t give up if you try the morning nap once and it doesn’t seem to help. Settling into a new routine takes time.

Just to add. My lo who is the same age, goes down for first nap 3 hours after waking. She doesn't appear tired at this time but she settles quick and then does a big nap. You might first the sweet spot for first nap is just 3-4 hours after first waking. It's a bit of trail and error but I don't go off sleep cues now. If my baby gives sleepy cues, it usually means (now she's older) she's actually overtired so I try and catch her before that based on age appropriate windows.

The boiler is in my daughters room and it would definitely wake her even with the white noise.

Probably very off topic but do you have a Carbon Monoxide Alarm in her room? Our very creaky old boiler started emitting Carbon Monoxide just before it gave up the ghost, luckily we had alarms to alert us.

I have a 1yo and she needs a looot of attention - I have to say it has been quite a whingey stage, I think they have such a lot going on developmentally as well as molars coming through etc, and they want so much to walk and communicate but they're not there yet, it must be so frustrating. I vary rarely manage to get anything done in the house when dd is awake except for a bit of tidying. I do find that the more we get out the better as she gets very fed up being in the same room/the house for too long, and she enjoys seeing and interacting with other people outside. Naps have been a bit hit and miss recently and I wondered if we should drop one but everything seemed to say it was too early so we persevered and seem to have got back into a two nap routine now. In case it helps, our routine usually goes roughly like this -
7 wake up
7-8.30 play in the bedroom/with dp while I do a few chores, have breakfast
8.30-9.30 go to the coffee shop/for a walk
930-10 nap (in the pram or at home, rarely shows sleep cues for this nap but goes down quickly)
10-12 go out - ideally to somewhere she can use up some energy eg the sandpit in the park, soft play, swimming, baby class
12-1 lunch
1-2 play at home
2-3 nap (in bed)
3-5 depends, usually try and get out for another short walk/to the park if we didn't go in the morning then play at home, watch a bit of cbeebies
5-6 dinner
After dinner sometimes we go and feed the ducks or just chill for a bit and then bath and bed any time from about 7 onwards. She's usually asleep by 8 at the latest.

Also, just to say my dd also cries about the safety gates, even if we're there with her. And she loves trying to get hold of electrical wires and other things like that and screams and cries when we won't let her. All normal!

It's so difficult even at the best of times and I'm sure you're doing a really good job, they can just be little buggers. I hope your health gets better soon