SAHM/F: why did you decide to stay at home and what do you enjoy most about it?

[mrsruffallo]

Don't know whether this has been done before, but without having to justify your decisions, how has being a stay at home parent changed your life?

I was sahm for 12 years and absolutely loved it.

I ran the pta, got fitter, set up local residents' assoc, saw loads of friends, took dressage lessons and thoroughly enjoyed all the time that I spent with my boys. I often had their friends back after school or in the holidays when other mums were working - on one occasion I walked down the hill from school with 9 children in tow!

Once ds1 went to secondary school I did feel that I had a little too much time on my hands, so I took a part-time job. The hours are really flexible, so even though they're in yrs 8 and 9 I can still take time off for most of the school holidays.

My ds is 2.5 and I'm a kind of SAHM (through the week and work weekends) I love it, financially it can be tough, I'm going to be doing a few more hours in the new year while he spends some time with nana and granny but it's really worth it to me. I'll never get this time back and I love doing stuff with him, he's great. We're also lucky as we spend quite a bit of time with SAHM mates and ds is really good mates with their kids and my mum comes over every week too.
Nice thread.

When DD1 was 6 months old I realised I didn't want to hand her over to someone else, I wanted to do everything for her. I knew I would spend every day at work worrying about her being looked after properly and would cry if she did something and I missed it. We moved to the other side of the country to afford the drop in income but we have never regretted it. Theres no way we could afford childcare unless I worked full time and I didn't have children not to see them. I have no family that would help out so it would be paid childcare.

Most of the time I love it although as everyone has said it's mind numbing at times but getting out and doing things helps, I know it's not forever so I make the most of the time I have at home with my babies.

I am not dissing WOHMs at all, everyone is different we all have to find the best thing for us and our family and sod what anyone else thinks.

Being a SAHM has made me incredibly much more rested and relaxed

I am a SAHM cause I hated (really hated) not being the one to look after my ds and cause I think it is the best thing for our whole family (including me-even though I really liked my job). When I was working full time we didn't have a life so much as an existence - I honestly don't know how other people manage it.

It also helped that we could afford to live on dh salary, although holidays without a tent, new clothes, meals out etc all had to go.

Don't regret it at all but do plan to look for part time work when youngest is 3.

I am a SAHM because all my previous work has been with families and bringing up their children, why would I want to do that, only for my own to be looked after by someone else? Childminding is something that does not appeal especially as DH works pt from home, so would never be practical anyway.

I have enjoyed some pt study last year, to keep some brain cells ticking at an advanced level I enjoy the flexibility each day brings, though summer is the best season of all as a SAHM in my opinion .

My eldest is 4.5 and am about to start round 2 next month. For my family this arrangement works really well, so why try fixing something when it aint broke.

I'm SAHM because my job was based 200 miles away and required me to spend nights away each week.
I couldn't bear being away from DS while he was so young, and putting pressure on DH to be sole carer during the time I'd be away while DS was so young.
Plus the cost of childcare, of course, which means getting very little left over in your pocket. It really doesn't tally with the average local wage either. We're not well off, but we're not eligible for benefits either.
(I did get a p/t job for a while, but just under the 16 hrs a week you need to work to get working tax credits, but it came to an end due to working on delivery suite, and me losing a baby.)
I've loved feeling confident that I know what DS has been doing all day and know that he's had attention and comfort when he's needed it. I've hated feeling so lonely and I've hated DH's resentment that I haven't been able to contribute financially even though he didn't want DS in childcare. I've hated losing my confidence in what kind of work I can do once I do go back (am pregnant again, so will be a while) as similar jobs to my old one, in both roles and wages, don't exist where I live.
For mothers, I don't think there's any easy or best option. Society doesn't help you feel proud to be a SAHM, yet it doesn't help you to feel proud to be a working mum either. Women are damned if they do, damned if they don't.
I fully sympathise with women who really do not have the option to stay at home. My friend in the US has only been allowed 8 weeks maternity leave which is considered generous there...

Going back to a city job and being a weekend mum was not an option since DH has VERY demanding job as well and strictly no family in the same country.
On top of that we moved countries every year ince DS (3.8) was born.
We can afford it, and although I sometimes miss intelligent adult company and a sense of purpose, this is a once in a lifetime experience.
It opened up my heart and tested my limits in ways no job could.
Now happily expat SAHM expecting N.2 and enjoying every minute with N.1 who's growing too quickly
I just can shake that feeling that DH is working his ass off while me lounging. I really have a hard time coming to terms with the stereotype. That's not how I imagined myself at 35.

But in the end, we are all more relaxed and available for each other as a family. And hopefully in a few years, I can get my mojo back!

it wasn't something I ever consciously decided to do - we just both always felt that children should be raised by their parents and not in a childcare setting. I wouldn't change it for the world - I just couldn't bear the thought of ds taking his first steps/saying his first words etc in the presence of someone else, or someone else being there to pick him up when he fell over/putting him down for his nap - it would have killed me.

When ds was two I had a wabbly moment and considered going back to work, in fact I was offered my old job back, but they wanted too many hours and when it came to the crunch I couldn't put ds into nursery full-time.

Now that ds is at school I've considered getting a job but tbh finding a job that ties in with school hour/school holidays is virtually impossible, and as we're fortunate and don't need me to be earning why would we want to put ourselves through having to take separate holiday etc to accommodate school holidays? My family have been very critical of this though saying that "well other people have to do it", but thing is, we don't so why should we?

My family were very critical of me deciding to be a sahm. I am so happy with my decision and believe I am so lucky-much more fun than work though I miss having a two wage income!

I think for our finances and my career development returning to work on a part time basis would have proved to be the most sensible option for our family. However, at the end of my mat leave I was offered the opportunity to return part time but for a variety of reasons I chose not to, I am now looking for the a part time position but there are virtually no part time positions available.

On the plus side, I feel that ds has really benefited from having me at home full time with him. He is a bright little spark and I think that having so much one to one attention has given him an advantage. It is also lovely to get up early and arrive at the cafe just as it opens and gorge ourselves on pain au chocolate and coffee! It certainly beats sitting on the M25 during rush hour!

As much as I love being at home full time with ds (and I honestly do!) I would advise anyone considering to become a SAHM to really look at the long term situation if you are at all career minded it may not be a wise decision in the long run. I really am struggling to get back into the workplace and I have only been gone 3 years!

After commuting & nursery fees taken into account wasn't going to be much better off by going back to work (£200 in it) Plus allowed us to eleminate DH's 90 min each way commute by moving 20 mins from his work.

So we are a little cash poorer but both time richer iyswim.

I love being the person who takes care of our dd & at 15 months now can't see myself relinquishing that responsibility in the short term.

I have only recently had the time to read through this thread and it is nice to read your experiences and have others comment without judgement or disapproval.
Thank you all for keeping it so pleasant.

In my case, I always hoped that when I had children I would be able to stay at home with them and spend those important pre school years with them.
I was lucky that DH felt the same way and I gave up work when I was 81/2 months pregnant with dc1 (now 4).
I really feel so happy and fulfilled and that this way of life is just right for me. I enjoyed the freedom of the pre-school days, and was v upset when my dd started reception this year-i miss her so much! I am still at home with DS aged 18n months but I know when he starts school I will miss him too so I am just enjoying sta at home motherhood more and more until I have to work again! It really is a joy to see him expressing himself more and more and to appreciate the rapid and amazing changes in his life.

mrsruffallo - you are so right about the "freedom of the pre school days" - one of the great things about being a SAHM with a baby/toddler is the opportunity it gives to structure ones own life, as opposed to living within the confines of external structures.

I am very happy to be working (a little ) now my daugther has started pre-school, but I only want to do this within a structure that I define.

Slim 22, I think you are right about the whole experience opening your heart and testing your boundaries(esp patience!).
I think that I am actually a kinder, more thoughtful person than I was before and judging by these posts there are a lot of very gentle mannered sahm's out there.
It does take time to get used to not working, as most of us have worked full time before motherhood but I don't think caring for your own child is equivalent to sitting on your arse and you must realise in terms of stability and bonding your child is thriving from this experience.

In answer to the op:

Because I could afford to

And as has been mentioned by Broccoli, pistachio and others, really knowing and understanding your young child, being the biggest influence in thier life and the pride you feel in this little person when they really start to express themselves is priceless.

because we could afford to[just] i couldnt bare to leave him,was raised by everyone but my parents as they worked full time and i hated it so very much it was awful,didnt want to miss him growing up although do miss the money sometimes and wonder how it will look on a cv when i go back someday professional nappy changer for x yearsah well work to live dont live to work and all that

I have recently made the decision to be a SAHM; nursery was booked and I'd arranged with work to go back part-time, but when it came to it I just couldn't do it. I know it would have meant permanent rowing with my husband over who does the housework, who looks after DS etc - I would have ended up doing all of it in addition to working. It has created some tension as DH would prefer to have a second income, but I am confident that it is the right thing to do. Now I don't feel resentful that I do all the housework, and I would have done otherwise.

I am really looking forward to spending so much time with DS. As others are said, they are only young once - I don't think I'll ever look back and regret being at home with him. But we are going to be pretty poor because of this, and I totally appreciate that for lots of women, it's not even an option.

Hoonette - oh yes . Lots and lots of men would like a second income plus full service domesticity .

But that's unreasonable.

It was a very practical decision for us. We moved when I was pregnant, and I didn't think that I would be a great prospect at an interview while enormous! I'm glad that I was a SAHM though, as DD was very demanding to BF and I didn't have to worry about getting her through the night so that I could function at work. When she was still BFing, DH would bring her into me in the morning and we would nap together for an hour. Shame that that doesn't happen any more! I would have felt pulled in two directions and very stressed if I'd gone back, and I know it would have affected my work and made me feel crappy. Also, if you're going to move around a lot (like us) it's handy to have someone to do stuff during working hours.
To be honest, there is always an emotional pull though, isn't there? The thought of handing over DD to a nursery is really strange. I know it will happen, but she's our daughter, and I don't think I would even have been happy with my Mum having her so young.

It was a very practical decision for us. We moved when I was pregnant, and I didn't think that I would be a great prospect at an interview while enormous! I'm glad that I was a SAHM though, as DD was very demanding to BF and I didn't have to worry about getting her through the night so that I could function at work. When she was still BFing, DH would bring her into me in the morning and we would nap together for an hour. Shame that that doesn't happen any more! I would have felt pulled in two directions and very stressed if I'd gone back, and I know it would have affected my work and made me feel crappy. Also, if you're going to move around a lot (like us) it's handy to have someone to do stuff during working hours.
To be honest, there is always an emotional pull though, isn't there? The thought of handing over DD to a nursery is really strange. I know it will happen, but she's our daughter, and I don't think I would even have been happy with my Mum having her so young.

I buried my head in the sand and decided to ignore the financial/practical implications of me staying at home with my 2

thank God I did, it was and is the worst financial desicion (sp?), but we've scraped by and now have 2 great kids who I know absolutely inside out, am always there at the scholl gates before and after school, can sit and take time with homework, can chat about their day walking back leisurely from school

its so worth it to me, couldn't have done anything else, refused to consider it

I gave up work when DD2 was one and shortly after DH lost his job of 15 years and we went from a joint £90,000 salary to a big fat £0.

Debt collectors knocked for a while and I had to sell my new car. DH found a job temp for £300 a week and loves it so much has decided to stay there. He has gone from a 70 hour working week and a moany old git whom I nearly divorced to a fun loving dad who is home in time to pick his kids up from school.

I will never regret my decisio. My kids can do clubs, they eat before dark and I love being a mum.

For quite a while after I gave up I had itchy feet and settled with an OU course. I will never be able to conform to the perfect HouseWife image but I will never do the whole city/childminders/rush hour thing again.

We have nothing and we dont want nothing. In myself I am happier. Before I always looked for the next best thing...a bigger house...a bigger car just cause I could afford to have those dreams but it meant that I was never truely happy. Now I am content with what I have and feel truely settled.