When you disagree with punishments given by the other parent

[HeyGirlHeyBoy]

Huge row in our home yesterday evening. Overtired ds 9 had to go with dh somewhere he doesn't usually because I was going out. He resisted to the point of trying to hide in the house and he delayed things and all in all caused a lot of upset. Eventually, 15 maybe 20 minutes later I talked him round and he went out to the car disgusted. While we were trying to get him out the door, dh threatened him with every sanction he could think of - all of which made him more mad with his dad and has no bearing on him going but when I got home they had all been put in place plus another harsher one so that basically every plan for the weekend is now gone including a special planned trip for dh and ds, not mentioned during the whole debacle. Ds can be v headstrong and defiant at times, it's not easy but I think the desire to punish is over the top but can say nothing. Do I just leave it go now, which I think I must or how would others feel?

Bumping because of the time!

I would talk to your partner and say that the punishment he used was far too harsh for a 9 year old. Why did he have to go? Couldn’t he and your partner just have stayed home? Was it essential?

So he delayed your husband going out for 20 minutes and your husband has imposed multiple sanctions.

What's he going to do when he does something really bad? He sounds like a total bully

And obviously you can't make his dad take him on a thing they had planned together but I'd reinstate everything else.

Also he threatened, your DS did comply in the end and he still got the book thrown at him. There is bugger all incentive for him to do what he's told is there?

Where was he going that was so important and why did he decide to hide? If you had to go somewhere, why did you stay behind? Is your ds playing you off against each other?
It’s hard to say without the extra info if your dh was too harsh.

In DH's shoes assuming a good evening tonight, I'd find a way to thank DS for something and say lets go to the thing after all.

You can talk to DH about him overturning the punishment but I don't think you can do it.

Oh, and don’t ‘reinstate’ everything else - that’s totally undermining your dh and telling your child that whatever his father says doesn’t matter, it’s what mum says that counts.

@Soontobe60

Oh, and don’t ‘reinstate’ everything else - that’s totally undermining your dh and telling your child that whatever his father says doesn’t matter, it’s what mum says that counts.

So basically however totally absurd dad's punishments are you have to go along with them because otherwise you're undermining him?

And we can't have that happening, not when he's the man of the house.

So basically however totally absurd dad's punishments are you have to go along with them because otherwise you're undermining him?

And we can't have that happening, not when he's the man of the house. hmmhmmhmm

Don't be ridiculous. Neither parent can undermine the other.

@Clymene

Apart from dad not taking him on a trip, we don’t know what the other consequences were. Clearly if one of them was to have a daily beating then that’s not ok. But you know that don’t you?

It is really important that parents don't undermine each other so if anything does get reversed it needs to be your DH who makes that decision and tells your son himself that he acted too harshly.

This has to be done quite carefully because you don't want your son to think that he shouldn't take punishments seriously. But at 9 he's also old enough to understand that parents can make mistakes sometimes, and that his behaviour really stressed out his dad who was just trying to get out of the house in time to do a job.

In your position I'd speak to DH and make sure he knows you think he has been too harsh, get him to reflect when he's calmed down and see if he can see your side of it. Hopefully he will.

What you really can't do is go to your son and tell him that all the punishments are reversed. That will just confuse your son, undermine your DH and cause further tension and arguments. Whatever happens has to be agreed I think.

Have you ever tried any parenting classes or read any books about best ways to discipline children? It sounds like your DH is really struggling with your son's defiance and this will happen more and more into his teens if you don't learn more positive strategies as a family.

I’d actually be really horrified if mine had acted that way at 9, tired or not, and think DS does deserve some kind of punishment. Whether the actual punishment is too much, I can’t say because I don’t know what it is.

I also think that spending 20 minutes cajoling him isn’t the best approach to take either.

No one said there shouldn't be some kind of sanction. But not every one her husband could think of plus cancelling a trip.

And yes I agree that ideally the husband should reinstate stuff. But if he doesn't, no I don't think the OP should just go along with it.

A decent parent backing up a crap parent is not better than undermining the other parent. All that does is reinforce to the child that their parents are both unfair and there is no motivation at all for behaving well.

Rewards work better than sanctions in my experience.

I think every parent has escalated threats I the throes of a tantrum! What I would suggest to dh is to give ds some opportunities to earn back whatever was taken. That way no one is undermined, ds gets a chance to show that he can behave and dh gets a chance to take back his punishments in a positive way.

A 9 yo child hiding because he doesn’t want to go somewhere is ridiculous and yes he does deserve sanctions. Imagine if you had an emergency (eg fire) or you were abroad / not in the house and he did something idiotic like that at the last minute?

I genuinely think you need to start supporting your DH. Letting him get away with being this ‘head strong’ is not what good parents do.

I was there because I wasn't leaving till later than they were, but I was gone before they came back. Appreciate the replies and I can see you all get what I mean in terms of it being a difficult position to not undermine while also not wanting standing by an OTT reaction. I also know that, as a pp said, all these things being taken during it was zero motivation for him to do as told. It was I who got him out by emphasising effect on little brother in the car. Escalating it escalated him, if that makes sense. For perspective what was taken was his favourite sports training tomorrow, all screens Fri-Sun and a special trip out to a first time sports event (watching) this weekend. Ie the book was well and truly thrown at him. His behaviour was not on, agreed, but the punishments to me are the desire to punish not actually change or improve the behaviour.

He wouldn't have done it in emergency situation, it's because it meant sitting waiting for an hour with dh who wouldn't do much to pass the time, and he has done it a few times in the last 6 weeks say. He was tired at the end of the week. It wouldn't be the norm tho he can definitely be challenging at times in different ways. Dh is a 'Do as I say' dad, similar to his own, I'm more aiming for cooperation rather than obedience.

Those are nuclear consequences. And what I notice is that two of them are taking away things that are healthy and great; sports training and an event with dad. Both of which build relationship and health. Very foolish and shortsighted.

What I suggest is you agree consequences in advance which are acceptable to both parents and don't punish you both too. Screen time is good. But I also suggest short, sharp, natural consequences. All weekend means he's still being punished long after the actual bad behaviour is past. What if he genuinely apologises and is still being punished? It is counter to good behavioural management.

DH is prone to this. I've spoken to him about it and now, if he does it, I invent ridiculous consequences at the same time. Him: No screens for a week. Me: I'm sending the dog back to the dog's home. DD has to sleep in the garden. It makes both of them pause, laugh and do they are supposed to do. DD asks if I'm serious and I say well you don't need real consequences because you do what you're supposed to because I'm sneaky.

I'd be fuming if my 9 year old made me 20 mins late for something. At that age they should know better. I agree with a punishment like no screen time or treats but not a punishment that drags out for ages. Your partner probably said these things in the heat of the moment.

Agree with everything youve said MrsT, we're a similar style. Like the joke that can help. I've spoken ad nauseam to dh on all of this, relationship especially, such a rupture, but also wrt agreed consequences, warnings etc. The special trip was removed when they came home.. Ie after the fact. Hurts my heart that I have to stand by it. I spoke to him last night and he said I was trying to make him feel guilty.. (dh)

The special trip was removed when they came home.. Ie after the fact.

Well that's just stupid.

Does he at least try the stuff that works first?

The special trip was removed when they came home.. Ie after the fact. Hurts my heart that I have to stand by it. I spoke to him last night and he said I was trying to make him feel guilty.. (dh)

I’m afraid that I have had very strong words with my DH in this sort of situation and said that actually I will NOT support him in scenarios where I do not feel the punishment matches the crime or if I think things are being escalated out of control in the moment. I’ve told him I’m all in for a united front but not if that means supporting him on a decision I think is fundamentally unfair, because my main aim is to raise DC to be people who don’t just put up with injustice and I need to model that just as much as enforce meaningless discipline if there’s another way. Conflict resolution is a skill. I am better at it than my DH, and he wouldn’t disagree when he’s not in the heat of the moment. In the heat of the moment you have to find a way to diffuse things, like Mrs TP says.

I do agree with others though that the climb down around punishment has to come from your husband, and the conversation around that between you as parents has to happen in private. But I don’t mince my words to spare a grown adult’s feelings if I feel equally strongly in opposition. I wouldn’t take emotional blackmail from my husband about ‘making him feel guilty’.

I expect my DH to apologise to the DC if he has overreacted. I will also apologise if I feel I have to. I also expect DC to apologise.

There’s nothing wrong with getting something wrong - either your DS misbehaving or your DH overreacting. Where it goes wrong is when you cannot admit things could have been better and work out calmly how to avoid in the future.

20 minutes cajoling and bargaining with a 9 year old to do as theyre told? Things have changed a bit since mine were 9. At that age they'd have picked up and straped into the car, kicking and screaming if necessary.

In the past I've found a time when everyone's calm again, explained how angry/undermined/disrespected I felt but in hindsight the punishment was excessive. Will be doing x after all but don't let that behaviour happen again. But DH would have to do it and agree to the approach as it was him that gave the punishment

@amylou8

20 minutes cajoling and bargaining with a 9 year old to do as theyre told? Things have changed a bit since mine were 9. At that age they'd have picked up and straped into the car, kicking and screaming if necessary.

A 9 year old? Good luck with that. Mine was 5ft tall and 100lbs at least.

I do agree that 20 minutes is ridiculous but there are better ways than either physical force or silly, overblown punishments.