When you disagree with punishments given by the other parent

[HeyGirlHeyBoy]

Huge row in our home yesterday evening. Overtired ds 9 had to go with dh somewhere he doesn't usually because I was going out. He resisted to the point of trying to hide in the house and he delayed things and all in all caused a lot of upset. Eventually, 15 maybe 20 minutes later I talked him round and he went out to the car disgusted. While we were trying to get him out the door, dh threatened him with every sanction he could think of - all of which made him more mad with his dad and has no bearing on him going but when I got home they had all been put in place plus another harsher one so that basically every plan for the weekend is now gone including a special planned trip for dh and ds, not mentioned during the whole debacle. Ds can be v headstrong and defiant at times, it's not easy but I think the desire to punish is over the top but can say nothing. Do I just leave it go now, which I think I must or how would others feel?

DS 10 has ADHD. He definitely wouldn't have gone out after being treated like that, would have smashed the house up and kicked and hit. The only way would be to give him YouTube for 5 minutes, then he'd be fine.

I have to say I’d have been furious if my 9 year old had behaved this way.
I would have been more careful with the threats though.
With reasonable requests ( such as get in the car because I need you to ) I’m a big believer in ‘do as you’re bloody told’
Arguing with me (and hiding!!!!) would involve a very cross mummy and sanctions.
I do think you’re DH had gone too far though and shot himself in the foot by spoiling the next few days.
Is he open to finding a reason to change his mind??

If I’d been your DH I wouldn’t have stopped him going to sports training but I think it’s absolutely fair enough to lose 3 days screen time and a nice trip out for that. It’s naughty, rude, inconsiderate, left his younger brother sitting waiting, lead both his (presumably quite busy) parents a merry dance for 20 minutes and made his dad late. He’s 9. He doesn’t want to sit for an hour? Tell him to take a book.
I don’t see that cancelling his trip after the fact is outrageous. It was the same day, he’s not a dog, he knows X behaviour has caused Y consequence.

If he’d been a couple of years younger or the trip was 3 weeks safari or he literally never goes anywhere nice then it would be excessive. I can see where his dad is coming from “you stopped me doing x, your punishment is not doing y”. It’s one weekend, it’s not stopping future trips, he’ll go to training next week, he’ll be back on a screen by Monday. I wouldn’t sacrifice my united front to help a naughty 9yo out of that.

Aboslutely wouldn't go along with those sanctions no. For all the reasons you say. Especially punishing after. Your husband acted in anger and its okay to admit that we make mistakes.

Is there a bigger problem with your husband if he's this authoritarian?

Yes the picking up was done!! But he raced back. Unfortunately some of it is a resistance to his dad who he sees as less fun to spend time with than me also... No surprise perhaps but not good. I didn't accept the making me feel guilty thing I simply told him I was letting him know what I thought. Ironically, though he was trying to be strict no nonsense dad, when he does roll back (as has happened previously) it does look ineffective over time as all said in heat of moment. However no sense of roll back on this one. Or at times if he gets push back he'll say oh fine, whatever, rather than 'I'm sticking to my original answer so don't waste your breath', so ds has learned to push back and break him down.. It is very very frustrating.

My dad was a bit like this. I don't see him now

If I had somewhere to be and one of the kids were hiding and refusing to come, I'd probably loose my shit too. That's awful behaviour from a 9yo.

I also wouldn't be rushing to take them somewhere they wanted to go at the weekend.

lose*

Unfortunately some of it is a resistance to his dad who he sees as less fun to spend time with than me

And he's just compounded that by cancelling the fun event. IMO the fun event would have been used for some bonding and some proper conversations, "yesterday when you hid and we were late I was really annoyed. It wasn't OK. How can we make sure that doesn't happen again?" He needs to be curious about DS's feelings and make compromises.

At 9 we're growing adults not controlling children. Very soon he'll have to make good choices when neither parent is there. So it's time to teach some responsible skills not an endless round of punishing and repeating parent.

MrsTerryPratchet is always right 😁

Exactly MrsTP, that is it re the evening out together - a first, not like dh to do it and ds was absolutely dying for it.

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

Agree with everything youve said MrsT, we're a similar style. Like the joke that can help. I've spoken ad nauseam to dh on all of this, relationship especially, such a rupture, but also wrt agreed consequences, warnings etc. The special trip was removed when they came home.. Ie after the fact. Hurts my heart that I have to stand by it. I spoke to him last night and he said I was trying to make him feel guilty.. (dh)

You don't have to stand by it if you feel he has gone too far. Just tell DH (out of earshot of DS) that you disagree with the severity and lengthof the punishments so are giving him the opportunity to reinstate the trip with DS himself. Otherwise, you will do it.

Whichever one of you gives the trip back, DS can be given the chance to look as though he has earned it back by doing a few chores without complaint etc.

The no screens for a week I would shorten and say that DS gets them back on Monday or Tuesday if good behaviour in the meantime.

My DH tended to go far too far with punishments so I have actually had to do this sort of thing on a number of occasions. It did no harm at all.

I have never held with this "united front at all costs" bollocks. If one parent has been unreasonable the other can pull them up on it and put things right. Checks and balances.

@PileOfBooks

MrsTerryPratchet is always right 😁

Haha if only!

OP I wonder if (and I may be being really uncharitable here) your DH didn't actually want to go to the event with DS. To have thought about it and imposed that after the actual bad behaviour does seem odd. I'd never cancel a much anticipated and rare event with DD because I'd be punishing myself. Does he actually want to hang out with DS and bond? Does he feel able to?

Well I usually think so :) I do love your parenting-related posts!

@PileOfBooks

Well I usually think so :) I do love your parenting-related posts!

It took me three rounds of parenting classes to achieve a modicum of sanity in my house! I just parrot what my lovely parenting teacher said.. Of course it worked otherwise I wouldn't.

And it worked on my DD who has pretty serious ADHD and was not doing well at all so I'm not a smuggo with a biddable child!

I don't usually go in for punishments, but I'd be pretty annoyed by a 9 year old delaying me by 20 minutes for an appointment by hiding in the house, and it might well make me disinclined to go out of my way to take them out for the day the next day.

I wouldn't cancel it as a punishment, but in the heat of the moment I might well say that I no longer felt like going.

If that happened I would try to make time to explain how I felt, give the 9 year old the chance to apologise (and apologise myself) and see if we could move forward - either agreeing we would go to the event after all, or rescheduling it.

Could you encourage DH to do something similar?

I don't see that as backing down or not following through - it's more a lesson that everyone's actions have consequences, but we're both on the same side trying to sort them out.

You actually won't believe it MrsTerryPrachett but I was in the car before checking back in thinking exactly that, that that is the saddest bit, I said it was on and he suggested on a whim that just the two of them would go, a 'boys' night' and after that didn't mention it much and hadn't done much planning ahead of it. Ds said 'He didn't ever want to go' last night and I think he might sadly be on the money. I told dh, during my supposed guilt tripping that it was the type of the thing that years ago he'd have said he couldn't wait to do with his son . Thank you to those re methods of saving face /rowing back on the severity, unfortunately he will have none of it. I know ds' behaviour was extremely poor, but my issue was more to do with the other adult and how to deal with disagreements on it.

:( That's really sad.

I think allowing him to ‘earn’ back the cancelled activities is the way to go but I wouldn’t force the joint outing,

That's sad. Obviously kids behave better when they have a strong relationship. Because they actually care.

Failing that, parenting classes? Or books even.

I've given him and he's started to read many books over the years, but when it gets hairy, it's all out the window. He has reinstated the sports training, off own bat but keeping the rest. Now if he was looking forward to the special night and genuinely sad it wasn't happening - he hasn't even suggested he is but that's how I'd feel - that would be the one he'd change surely. I'm usually the one to do these things with ds, so it was a real unusual plan..

There’s a difference between a reward and a bribe - a reward is given for a good behaviour but a bribe allows the child to negotiate the terms.

Similarly there’s a difference between a punishment and a threat. In this case ds behaviour probably warrants a punishment but the threats enabled a negotiation that got completely out of hand.

Your dh probably thinks that he’s in control doling out all these punishments but actually your ds is, but not in a way that benefits him. It’s a lose-lose situation.

Take a look at calmer parenting Her strategies are simple but very powerful. I highly recommend her books but the gist of it is on the website too.

Thanks thelegohooverer, I will take a look. You're absolutely right, he's not a bit in control. In fact at one stage ds said 'Why would I come out to you now you've said you've taken my training that I love? I will come out only if you give it back!'

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

Thanks thelegohooverer, I will take a look. You're absolutely right, he's not a bit in control. In fact at one stage ds said 'Why would I come out to you now you've said you've taken my training that I love? I will come out only if you give it back!'

But that is exactly why these threats are utterly pointless. They don't work!

Your son isn't going to behave any better next time and all he's learned from this experience is that his dad doesn't like him or want to spend time with him very much.

I'm not for one moment condoning his behaviour but your husband has behaved appallingly.

Oh I know Clymene! That's why I don't use them! He can be tough going ds, and he's very clever. While a row back now and then wouldn't be a bad thing, if he sees a pattern of dad freaks out and overreact but doesn't stick with it, it's even worse. And like that, yes he's spotted immediately a reason why he wouldn't cooperate. As I said earlier when I pointed out that I knew he didn't want to upset DB in back of car getting upset, he went straight out. MrsTerryPratchett can you explain your parenting teacher's comment?