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Original poster

Feels like torture

59 replies

Dadof2Beauts · 04/09/2021 20:20

i all,

this may be a bit longwinded and I do apologise but I have struggled for so long in silence and I just cannot do it anymore. I need help or advice or to be pointed in the right direction.

It’s a very straight forward case of separated parents, however with a twist.

I have looked after my two children, daughter 4 and son 2 for quite some time now. My daughter is my best friend and side kick. To give you a rough idea, out of the past 150 days the mother has seen our children and had them overnight 28 times. I rent my own property alongside my partner who is also heavily involved in my children’s lives, as she has been there for them as a step mum for over the past 2 years.
my partner works full time and I do the stay at home duties whilst working on my own personal business venture from home, we haven’t claimed and do not claim money for the children, we just make do and quite frankly, get through by the skin of our teeth each month.

the mother claims both sets of benefits, has an under the counter paid job and doesn’t have the children very often to worry about her funds dwindling..

now here’s the tricky part - my daughters school term starts this coming Monday, and she is demanding them both home. My daughter is in absolute misery and trauma and can’t for the life of her stop crying. We have just had the best summer holidays and she was looking forward to starting a new school and for me to be taking her. Now she knows she’ll have to spend 5 days a week at her mums, it just isn’t fair on her.

I don’t know what to do. This women hasn’t seen her children but has been out drinking and been with more men than you can count on one hand, she isn’t even aware of what my daughter does or doesn’t like, she shows no interest only when she has to or it will be questioned, I.e birthdays, Christmas.
It’s not as black and white as it seems, whenever I pick my son back up, he is always in a soiled nappy, he is always unwashed and always seems to be in some state of distress.
I am unsure of the people she has in the house but I am very aware that she has had a wanted criminal in the presence of my children and then her most recent partner has been denied access to his children for domestic violence, but now potentially may be around my babies?

me and my partner have had multiple incidents where we have had to ring the police in order to remove her from near our property or due to threats.

the hard part - I am not on my daughters birth certificate nor am I biological, she had, at the time 3 years ago, paid for a fake dna test in order to make me believe I was the father. By the time I had found out, she was already pregnant with my son, and by this point me and my daughter had already created a bond beyond belief, blood or not, I am her dad and she is my daughter. No test could ever make me turn my back on my princess. Bio dad is not interested and said he wants no inclusion when he had first heard she was conceived.

my son I am fully on the birth certificate and I am also bio.

what do I do..

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 04/09/2021 20:27

I think you need some proper legal advice.
From the little I know I would think you legally, currently have no rights where this child is concerned.
I’m not really sure how easy it would be to change that.
I’m afraid that in this instance you may have no choice but to return her to her mother.

Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 04/09/2021 20:35

Thank you for your reply. I am thinking maybe when school kicks in they may be able to assist also, as I’m aware she has only used the money she receives to purchase one set of uniform.. meaning she would have to wash the same set every night, have also had comments similar to ‘I just won’t send her in school then’.. if this becomes a thing then no doubt somebody will intervene I suppose

OP posts:
Miniroofbox · 04/09/2021 20:39

You really do need to go to a solicitor.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting Relationship problems
Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 04/09/2021 20:40

Hi Mini,

Thank you for your reply.

I have spoke to people for advice but isn’t long until money is requested, we just can’t afford to pay for any legal help.

OP posts:
Miniroofbox · 04/09/2021 20:40

This is far too complex to untangle via advice on the internet. I’m sorry.

Theworldishard · 04/09/2021 20:41

There's a lot to unpick here..I feel very sorry for the children with all the change and to and fro -ing. The little girl, does she know you aren't her bio dad? Essentially she is living with an ex - stepdad? It's very strange the mother is okay with this.
I suspect when she starts school concerns or queries may be raised over her home life.
If you are concerned the.mother is.not having safe people over you need to also contact the relevant people.
I'm not sure what to suggest here. I think you all need support.

Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 04/09/2021 20:43

It’s okay..

You can imagine it’s just getting tough dealing with the distress and feeling guilty.

If anything was hoping somebody may have been involved or heard of something similar to my situation.
Thank you all the same

OP posts:
Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 04/09/2021 20:45

Hello,

There isn’t much to and from - she sees her mother roughly once every week and a half or so, the rest she is with me and during nursery was with me. I have always been dad and always will be, bio dad has been informed at the time of birth and shows no interest, I was tricked into being her dad but it’s who I am now and me and my daughter wouldn’t want this any other way. I have cared, raised and loved for her like any other father would

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2021 20:52

Blimey. Agree you need legal advice ASAP, beg, borrow etc to find the money.

If your partner has been involved for 2 years and your youngest is 2 when did you split with your ex?

feb2022 · 04/09/2021 20:53

I've nothing to add other than you sound like a bloody brilliant dad and I hope and pray you get the outcome from this that your hoping for

Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 04/09/2021 20:54

Thank you for your reply Anne,

I had gotten with my partner roughly 2 month after conceiving my son, she was a friend and is more of a supportive figure in my life, she has loved my children the same way I would, and has washed, changed my sons nappy since roughly 3 months onwards (when the novelty wore off for mother)..

OP posts:
Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 04/09/2021 20:56

Feb, I am not here for compliments or sympathy but thank you, that truly means more than you know, and my motivation is my daughter would agree with you 100%.

OP posts:
Lou98 · 04/09/2021 20:59

Sorry I don't know where you stand legally but I really feel for you. It sounds like you have an incredible bond with your daughter!

Hopefully someone will be along soon that knows how to help!

Smartiepants79 · 04/09/2021 20:59

If you have serious concerns about the children’s welfare in her care you need to involve social services.
The problem remains that if her mother chooses, she can take her daughter and you currently have no rights to take her back.
Neither, police or courts could support you over her legal parent.
Same goes for school. If her mother informs them that you are in fact not her legal father or guardian and that they are not to allow you to take her they will not allow you to have her.
The consequences in the case of pissing her mother off could be dire.
Legally she could make it so you never see her again.
Only you can know how likely it is that she would do this.

insidenumber5 · 04/09/2021 21:00

Just make a court application, that's the only option. Self represent if you can't afford legal representation. You could ask for a PR order as well as CAO.

insidenumber5 · 04/09/2021 21:02

Or you could apply for a special guardianship order.

Obviously the mum is going to contest any court application but without any court order she can do whatever she wants anyway and if all of the things you have said are true, it would be clear to the judge and cafcass that the children should live with you.

Aren't children's services involved?

Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 04/09/2021 21:04

And here lies my issue. I have no doubt she would spite me, as she has in the past, by having the children and choosing to suffer. This happened once before for a period of two weeks and then she attempted to overdose with the children inside the house and I was instructed by police to collect the children, what had caused this was me mentioning a court arrangement order as at the time it was anger and aggression Everytime I went to drop my children off.

So I take a legal route and my children then have to suffer and be without me? The person who has been there every morning to make breakfast and every night to read a story and kiss goodnight, and suddenly she has to go without? It feels cruel and I can’t accept this the way our system works

OP posts:
Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 04/09/2021 21:06

Child services have been involved and their primary concern is to have the children back living with their mother as that’s their legal address.. multiple times she has been in hospital, discharged herself, had the children back and then is back out on the lash the weekend sfter and me and my babies are back together for the foreseeable.

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 04/09/2021 21:10

Everything your saying sounds like you have a very good case of you take it to court.
In the short term it would be difficult and distressing but I think it’s the only way that you can ensure any stability for these children.
You need some legal rights or this is just going to keep on happening.
Their mother is clearly not in a place right now where she can be a good parent.

Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 04/09/2021 21:14

I know, it’s just hard facing the reality of having to spend longer than 24 hours without them or the unknown of when I will see them again, what she will tell them, wil they remember me? It’s just to scary to even imagine..

I don’t know if it’s a case of being in a good place, or whether is a case of does she even really want to be a mother. Was only this time last year she was asking my partner to adopt them both so she could move on with her life..

OP posts:
Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 04/09/2021 21:17

A lot has been said about my girl but what about my boy. He is mine blood and birth certificate, could she take him away too?

Surely she doesn’t have the heart to allow my son to come mine and make my daughter watch and question what’s she done wrong not to be able to see me?

OP posts:
Daydrambeliever · 04/09/2021 21:18

Speak to social services as soon as possible and while the children are still in your care.

Theworldishard · 04/09/2021 21:20

Doe she have mental health issues?

Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 04/09/2021 21:21

She has a personality disorder

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 04/09/2021 21:23

He’s legally your son. You have rights where he is concerned.
Given the history it sounds fairly likely that if you chose you could have her contact with him restricted.
Your Daughter is not legally your daughter. You have no rights.
Now, it sounds like the authorities recognise you as a form of guardian but I’ve no idea where you stand if her mother starts being difficult.