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Original poster

Feels like torture

59 replies

Dadof2Beauts · 04/09/2021 20:20

i all,

this may be a bit longwinded and I do apologise but I have struggled for so long in silence and I just cannot do it anymore. I need help or advice or to be pointed in the right direction.

It’s a very straight forward case of separated parents, however with a twist.

I have looked after my two children, daughter 4 and son 2 for quite some time now. My daughter is my best friend and side kick. To give you a rough idea, out of the past 150 days the mother has seen our children and had them overnight 28 times. I rent my own property alongside my partner who is also heavily involved in my children’s lives, as she has been there for them as a step mum for over the past 2 years.
my partner works full time and I do the stay at home duties whilst working on my own personal business venture from home, we haven’t claimed and do not claim money for the children, we just make do and quite frankly, get through by the skin of our teeth each month.

the mother claims both sets of benefits, has an under the counter paid job and doesn’t have the children very often to worry about her funds dwindling..

now here’s the tricky part - my daughters school term starts this coming Monday, and she is demanding them both home. My daughter is in absolute misery and trauma and can’t for the life of her stop crying. We have just had the best summer holidays and she was looking forward to starting a new school and for me to be taking her. Now she knows she’ll have to spend 5 days a week at her mums, it just isn’t fair on her.

I don’t know what to do. This women hasn’t seen her children but has been out drinking and been with more men than you can count on one hand, she isn’t even aware of what my daughter does or doesn’t like, she shows no interest only when she has to or it will be questioned, I.e birthdays, Christmas.
It’s not as black and white as it seems, whenever I pick my son back up, he is always in a soiled nappy, he is always unwashed and always seems to be in some state of distress.
I am unsure of the people she has in the house but I am very aware that she has had a wanted criminal in the presence of my children and then her most recent partner has been denied access to his children for domestic violence, but now potentially may be around my babies?

me and my partner have had multiple incidents where we have had to ring the police in order to remove her from near our property or due to threats.

the hard part - I am not on my daughters birth certificate nor am I biological, she had, at the time 3 years ago, paid for a fake dna test in order to make me believe I was the father. By the time I had found out, she was already pregnant with my son, and by this point me and my daughter had already created a bond beyond belief, blood or not, I am her dad and she is my daughter. No test could ever make me turn my back on my princess. Bio dad is not interested and said he wants no inclusion when he had first heard she was conceived.

my son I am fully on the birth certificate and I am also bio.

what do I do..

OP posts:
Theworldishard · 04/09/2021 21:26

I read somewhere that personality disorders are not always seen favouribly in family courts. Is it bpd/eupd?

Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 04/09/2021 21:26

She was cleared of any depression or any condition that makes her day to day life difficult, I only know this as she applied for a vehicle on disability using her disorder

OP posts:
Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 04/09/2021 21:26

Get yourself to court on Monday.. It's just over £100 to apply for a residency order... The courts will support your application to keep the dc that isn't biologically yours given your involvement and the record of your ex's history imo.. 'child of the family' carries a hefty weight ime... Call ss tomorrow for advice.

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Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 04/09/2021 21:30

Hi,

Sorry if I’ve got this wrong Brolly, but are you saying if I apply for residency order, the courts will attempt to keep me in contact with my children if she tries the opposite? And how futile will this effort be? I just want her to have the upbringing I wasn’t afforded, and being involved in care isn’t that.. albeit I know there isn’t any other option..

OP posts:
Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 04/09/2021 21:39

Thanks. I have done everything in my power to try and encourage a relationship with their mother, but just like she’s lost inter at, my daughter has too. I have not influenced her in the slightest and to hear her say she doesn’t want a mummy, she just wants a daddy, is heartbreaking. How could you not want to love your children..

OP posts:
Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 04/09/2021 21:49

Given her parenting you would be taken seriously for applying for both dc to live ft with you.. Not being the biological df isn't particularly relevant unless your dd had another df waiting in the wings. Or your ex had any grave reason to keep you away. Which she mustn't have seeing as the current arrangement... Sibling relationships are taken very seriously and keeping the dc together with the stable parent will be a serious consideration..

Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 04/09/2021 21:53

Thank you Brolly,

This somewhat settles my nerves. My biggest fear is being ignored due to dna, but I am the man who has raised this little girl into the caring soul she is today, she is me through and through. The fact that something as simple as dna can debunk that is just shocking.. it takes more than blood to be a father

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 04/09/2021 22:00

How did she fake a dna test? Is it on record anywhere that your presumed the father by dna?

Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 04/09/2021 22:03

Used a website, sends a fake email and they have a fake reception if you call. I have admittance and proof of the website regardless.. as far as the rest of the world is concerned she is biologically mine, (school, nursery etc) ive always been named as the buological dad, just I’m not on the birth certificate.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 04/09/2021 22:18

Do social services believe your the dad?

Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 04/09/2021 22:20

I would imagine so

OP posts:
RosesandPumpkins · 04/09/2021 22:38

I was with you until ‘Been with more men than you can count on one hand.’
Don’t slut shame your ex it makes you look like a judgemental shit bag.

Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 04/09/2021 22:47

I don’t understand the point you’re making. My point in that comment was it is not healthy to have multiple partners around the children especially those of bad nature. If I have offended then I do apologise but I haven’t said anything which isn’t true?

OP posts:
Theworldishard · 04/09/2021 22:50

@Dadof2Beauts

I don’t understand the point you’re making. My point in that comment was it is not healthy to have multiple partners around the children especially those of bad nature. If I have offended then I do apologise but I haven’t said anything which isn’t true?
I agree , it isn't healthy to have young children exposed to many different men. My oh grew up with a mother that did that and so so many unsavoury characters ended up alone with him and his sisters. They're still recovering now.
Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 04/09/2021 22:54

There is a lot more to my post seeking advice than one comment I had made about her sexual activities, and there are a lot of points I made of more severity than being bothered if I may have ‘slut shamed’ surely. I appreciate the other persons reply but as you said, she had a duty to make sure our children aren’t exposed to every Tom dick and Harry, and the more men she is around the more chance of them being exposed to somebody who the children shouldn’t be around? I’m a bit uppity with the situation so I may have said some stuff I haven’t or maybe my perception isn’t the best but this is all a learning curve

OP posts:
Miniroofbox · 05/09/2021 07:02

What maintenance do you pay towards the children?

patchoulicloud · 05/09/2021 07:28

The first thing I would do is contact children's social care on Monday and discuss your worries with them. Are they still involved and do the children have a designated social worker?
I think if so, you really need to get them on side and share all concerns with them.
Make sure your conversations with them are about your kids and their welfare only. I know you say that's not what you meant in your comment about her partners but it did come across as slut shaming. You don't want the social worker to reach the conclusion that you are a bitter or jealous ex trying to cause trouble or punish her. Don't attack her, just keep bringing it back to the kids.

Legally, you are in a tricky position and need some expert advice.

You could apply for a Child Arrangements Order for both children. It's trickier for your daughter as you would need permission from the court to apply as you are not her parent.

hedgehogger1 · 05/09/2021 08:17

@Miniroofbox

What maintenance do you pay towards the children?
Why would he be paying maintenance when he has them 90% of the time?
ManicPixie · 05/09/2021 08:20

@RosesandPumpkins

I was with you until ‘Been with more men than you can count on one hand.’ Don’t slut shame your ex it makes you look like a judgemental shit bag.
This woman faked a DNA test. Judge away, I say.
Theworldishard · 05/09/2021 08:29

Tbh it looks bad that you both have lied to school and nursery saying that you are the bio dad. That will not look good

MrsSDK · 05/09/2021 09:32

@Dadof2Beauts

Thank you for your reply Anne,

I had gotten with my partner roughly 2 month after conceiving my son, she was a friend and is more of a supportive figure in my life, she has loved my children the same way I would, and has washed, changed my sons nappy since roughly 3 months onwards (when the novelty wore off for mother)..

Giff g
Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 05/09/2021 13:06

Unsure what this means?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 05/09/2021 13:07

The question had never been asked by local authorities for me to have lied. Ranting and raving I’m not biological isn’t exactly sometging I want to do and want to be public knowledge, she is mine regardless of a sheet of paper but unfortunately not everybody sees it the same way. I have raised her, washed her, educated her, fed her, taught her.. I have done everything I should as a father and no dna test can say different

OP posts:
Original poster
Dadof2Beauts · 05/09/2021 16:28

@patchoulicloud

The first thing I would do is contact children's social care on Monday and discuss your worries with them. Are they still involved and do the children have a designated social worker? I think if so, you really need to get them on side and share all concerns with them. Make sure your conversations with them are about your kids and their welfare only. I know you say that's not what you meant in your comment about her partners but it did come across as slut shaming. You don't want the social worker to reach the conclusion that you are a bitter or jealous ex trying to cause trouble or punish her. Don't attack her, just keep bringing it back to the kids.

Legally, you are in a tricky position and need some expert advice.

You could apply for a Child Arrangements Order for both children. It's trickier for your daughter as you would need permission from the court to apply as you are not her parent.

Thank you, this is solid advice and I can see exactly where you are coming from and will keep that in mind. I have spoken to the correct people before but I’d be lying if I said they’d been of any help whatsoever.. I guess I need to push this more but at what cost of annoying the mother
OP posts:
CourtneyCox2021 · 05/09/2021 18:21

I haven't read all the comments. Apologies if repeated advice. It's too detailed to be able to unpick.

First step: contact social services. She is clearly neglecting the children.

Second: contact Citizens advice. But be warned any person you ask for advice that is a professional body have a responsibility to report your concerns. I work in a hospital and know that they will report it as safety to children. They can't keep it confidential. So be prepared.

I would say you do have a right to YOUR daughter. You have raised her. You have seen her, and simply put that is your sons sister! They will try and not split up siblings if possible, regardless of being half siblings etc. I can't remember how old your little girl is but she may be able to choose who she's goes to live with. I think the department is called Cafcass to find the best result for the children. Also a DNA will be done for every child involved, so be prepared too.

I would also get as much evidence as possible as sadly dad's are still seen as the worser side. We experienced it. Without evidence we wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

Also there will be ALOT of meetings with Social services. It has happened to us and it was a long process make sure if the report is long you unpick it to bits BUT show you are supportive to the mother at the same time.

I'm sorry your in this situation. I hope it works out x

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