My kids are being pushed out

[Paintie]

My brother and SIL had a baby 6 months ago and are clearly completely in love with her. I love her too. She's adorable.

But prior to them having her, they doted on my children and were a very engaged aunt and uncle. My SIL in particular seems very irritated around them and will ask them to stand back a lot when they're wanting to touch and play with their baby cousin and won't let them play with her toys.

Another issue is their lack of interest now. They haven't made much effort for their birthdays and will update the family group chat with lots of photos of my new and beautiful niece but won't respond to photos of my kids anymore.

I'm hoping it gets better and eventually they start giving them attention again. They aren't naughty children. They're lovely, but can be a bit excitable around their cousin.

How to handle it?

@SomeInspirationRequired

Relationships and the balance of them changes when babies are born. It may never go back to how it was as their priorities have changed. But I'm sure they still love your dc New baby is still very young, it's hard work in the first few months, give them a bit of slack

Exactly.

As the baby grows older, they will relax more (and maybe have another).

Sad but normal. I was obsessed with my nephew .. always taking him out, having him to stay. Then I had twins and life changed dramatically. I do look back and feel a bit guilty.

I can understand especially if they are finding themselves parenting your children whilst you are there and teaching then not to:
Step on the babies fingers by accident, run over her, take toys from her to show her how they work, squeeze her in the name of cuddling. The usual things older children do around younger children. They just need a bit of reminding not to do these or do them not so hard but if I'm already dealing with a six month old and potentially lack of sleep, my patience would be thin.
I'd say first of all, you step up and make sure the baby is the centre of attention from a safety perspective when your kids are there. Make sure your kids listen to their aunty and uncle when it is time for the baby to do something else rather than have that one last cuddle.
Both sides need to build a new relationship based on trust and affection rather than just affection which is what it most likely was before.

With the best will in the world, your children won’t be as important to them anymore. I’m surprised this is unexpected.

What are your children being pushed out of though..?

It’s not like they aren’t welcome at family gatherings because there is a new baby
They just aren’t the sole focus of your brother and SIL, it’s not the same thing at all

It's to be expected, isn't it? Their own baby is the priority now.

Your priority is your children, theirs is now their new daughter. And being like that with a new baby is normal.

I remember my best friend had a baby when DD was 3 and there was a period when she was v PFB with everything (as I was with DD but it was easier because she didnt have a toddler) that now has gone.

PFB syndrome?

Agree completely with others that this is 100% normal and if the situation had been the opposite way round and you had the 6 month old you would probably be acting exactly the same.

New babies always change dynamics in families and if my sister felt she needed to priotise my child whilst also looking after her own new baby I'd be telling her to take time to bond with her child and rest when she could. Your kids will still be there when she's emerged from the new parent haze. I certainly wouldn't be throwing a strop that she wasn't as attentive towards my child any more and acting so immature.

@godmum56

PFB syndrome?

You mean from the OP?

I understand how you feel, but with respect, this isn’t about you. A new baby turns the parents’ world upside down and surely it’s to be expected that their priority will be their baby, especially in the early days. As a parent yourself, I’m surprised that you are upset about this

Do your children have shared grandparents with the baby? How do they treat them? For me, that's the most important thing - my parents treat them both sides of the family the same which helps me not to feel too pushed out. I think it's also much easier when you're the parent of the older child; for example, if I'm buying some clothes for DS, I'll always buy something for my niece too because I can remember what babies need and what size they are etc whereas it wouldn't occurs to my DB to do the reverse.

Have you been doing everything with this baby that they previously did with your children?

Seriously? Pushed out? How dare this couple prioritise their own baby over your children!

Changing priorities is one thing but I’ve seen this play out before and it’s quite unpleasant to when done such a degree. Someone I know got married, her head turned towards children and family and she got super involved with her relatives kids - sending presents etc. With hindsight clearly just playing out her fantasies of shopping for kids stuff etc until she had her own. Which she did, immediately not interested in relatives kids at all and the world revolves around hers. Caused quite a fall out between the two.

My involvement with my niece and nephews hasn’t changed since I had my own kids because I always treated them with an appropriate level of attention and gifts etc for a niece and nephews so nothing needed to change even though I had my own, it’s people who get over invested in other people’s kids because they want their own and then drop them when it happens - that’s the problem.

I don't want school age children playing with my baby either, it might have been different pre covid. Children cant be expected to keep cleaning their hands and not sneeze or cough in faces like adults can. Maybe you could try put yourself in their shoes having a baby in a pandemic and give your kids the boundries yourself so their aunt/uncle doesnt need to do it and they can relax a bit more?

I think this is really normal. Before I had my baby my nephew was the light of my life. I still adore him and I make an effort to engage with photos of him etc, but I’m obviously just more focused on my own baby now. I don’t love him any less, but my priorities have changed and I just have less time to dedicate to him.

I expect it will all even out - 6 months in is still very much honeymoon stage with a baby.

It’s also worth remembering that you benefitted from the love and attention they gave to your babies - hopefully you’re giving them as much input to their baby as you can in return

These responses are awful.
They're full of parent bashing of the OP and assumptions about her apparent lack of parenting. At no point does she criticise the parenting of her SIL or BIL. She has just become increasingly aware of their disengagement from her DCs. It would hurt anyone to comment happily on photos of their niece of nephew only for that never to be returned to her own children.
She is literally saying how much she loves her niece but worries that her own children are missing out on the love and attention of their aunt and uncle. We are not talking about a newborn either. The baby is 6 months old. The only "handling" I took from this is how she might handle the disappointment of her children who were probably very excited to have a cousin only to be snapped at repeatedly by their aunt since their new cousin came along.
At no point does she indicate that her DCs are touching the baby all the time or being too much. For me, she just shows concern for the relationship between her DCs and their uncle/aunt. The baby is not a newborn anymore and will be exposed to much more rough and tumble if/when she goes to nursery which probably won't be long if she goes.

Unfortunately OP, as children get older and less cute and innocent, a baby can come along and take over. It doesn't take from the disappointment of your DCs, or infact you, just because there's a new baby. Older children's needs don't just disappear at the birth of a new baby. I wouldn't suggest saying anything to them, which isn't implied in your OP at any point anyway and just try to ride it out.
Keep visits short.
Speak to DCs beforehand about how to behave and what to expect.
Ensure you pull them up on any misbehaviour and leave if your DSIL seems exhausted.
If they continue disregarding your DCs in a year or so, I'd be very hurt too.

Just keep going as you are. It's going to take a while for the new relationships to bed in, it was bound to be a big change of they were quite involved.

How old are they @Paintie?

You can't expect them to invest the same time in your children and what, just get babysitters for their child??

Yes its shit if normally they put massive effort into birthdays etc and this year they got just a card 4 days late. But they have a new baby. Surely you remember how overwhelming that was, esp the first time?

Step back a bit dont encourage such a close relationship with them with low expectations comes less disappointment

Totally normal.

They haven't the energy or time to invest in other children now. You sound a bit demanding tbh.

How much are you supporting your BIL and SIL? Are you babysitting? Giving them breaks and making a fuss of their dd?
Your children are not the centre of anyone else's universe but yours op.

Yes it's normal. I admit I got quite irritated by immediate family children around my first baby - kids don't tend to have any concept of personal space and they were constantly trying to pick her up as a newborn and jump and shout about in her face and yes messing about with her toys would make me cross as bits invariably got broken off or lost as they aren't designed to be thrown around my older kids 🤷‍♀️

I think you are used to your children having all the attention and now you don't like the change in dynamic.

It won't ever totally go back to the way it was before. They have their own child now who is their priority and they probably endured received hundreds of WhatsApp photos of your kids over the years so now it's their turn?

Sorry OP but the best way to handle it is to get over it and realise your feelings about this are a tad on the irrational side?

We visit when it's convenient for them. SIL hasn't left the baby with anyone and is very unlikely to leave her with me. I have offered a few times. She is extremely protective of her and will often complain to me about people holding her wrong or people being "too noisy" around her. It's a little like walking on eggshells, but I know this is part of a wider issue that unfortunately, she will not address.

It’s likely to get lots better when SILs baby starts to be mobile and crawl and then walk and run. Once they start doing crazy toddler things and collecting bumps and bruises all on their own despite your best efforts then older children interacting with your baby starts to feel much less scary.