Teenage Daughter Phone Invasion

[ParryHotter85]

My teenage daughter has slept at her friends house. Her friends mum has telephoned me as she has some screenshots of some messages between my daughter and another friend.

The messages were just basically my daughter was worried and thought her friend was going to look better than her at her party.

The thing is this friend has waited until my daughter has fallen asleep and gone through days worth of messages between my daughter and her other friend and took photos of them on her phone.

My daughter feels her privacy has been invaded.

They only really have each other though and I'm worried if they fall out, my daughter may struggle at her second year in high school without one close friend.

Any advice?

You have to follow your daughter’s lead. If she feels her privacy has been invaded (and I absolutely think she must do - her fiend has been so inappropriate) and that the trust in the relationship is gone, she shouldn’t be encouraged to put up with it just because it’s all she has. She can make new friends. She has been treated badly by this one, and it’s up to her if she wants to continue the friendship.

It also sounds like there may be some self esteem issues based on the messages she sent, which may be something you want to address.

How old is your daughter? If it were me then I’d be asking them what the fuck they think they’re playing at going though your daughters phone and taking photos of her?? What was your response when they phoned uou?

This other mum sounds unhinged

Oh wow. That is an awful invasion. I would:
a) get a pincode set up on the phone
b) tell your DD you would like to tell the other parent you are unhappy about the invasion of privacy (but hold back if your DD objects)
c) ask your DD how she wants to play it with her friend
d) suggest that house is not a good environment so might be better for them to meet elsewhere.

What the parent did is completely out of order. Don't minimise with your DD as having good boundaries is invaluable right through life.

Wtf this is batshit crazy

Your DD's privacy has been invaded and your 'friend' is no friend!

This should demonstrate to your daughter what PIN is for.

How did the mum access the phone? Surely everyone has a PIN number on their phone nowadays?

Surely if the messages were between both girls, the mum could see them on the daughters phone?

She waited till your daughter was asleep then went through her phone? That’s not normal.

Yea, the mum must have gotten them from the daughter’s phone. That’s still a massively inappropriate thing to do.

What was the mother’s reason? Was she concerned about your DD?

Wtf. The friend is bang out of order. The only people going through my kids messages is me.....giving them a quick scan to check the kids are being appropriate.

Tell the mum it's a massive invasion of privacy. And not acceptable behaviour. Your daughter deserves an apology at least.

Who's the other girl your dd was messaging about unhappy mums daughter?

If these messages were so innocuous why was the other parent phoning you? Who made the screenshots of the messages? All sounds a bit odd to me.

Oh, and presumably the mum sent you the screenshots too?

Don't do anything without your daughter's permission. She's had someone invade her privacy so best to help her feel like you are on her side because if you take the concept of choice away from her she will feel isolated.
A red flag for me is that both the mum and daughter thought it was OK! If my daughter had of done that (I know she wouldn't have) then I would have told her it was inappropriate and not a good friend - not text the other mum!
I would suggest as others have go with what your daughter suggests with encouragement from you to define her boundaries and say what happened was not OK. In the meantime encourage her to also broaden her friendship group. Don't just put up with a friend because they are on the only one you have or this is a pattern your daughter might adopt as she explores her romantic relationships.

Is she just going into year 8? That would make her 12, almost 13 in England. If that's the case then I still check my sons phone of the same age.

He knows I will occasionally check it, this age is still too young to have complete autonomy with a phone.

I was presuming the mum checked her own daughter's phone there.

@lunar1

I was presuming the mum checked her own daughter's phone there.

It's not the mums daughter who's been messaging is it? It's ops daughter and another girl messaging about the mums daughter?

What a horrible thing to do. I think you need to pick up your daughter and ask her what she’d like you to go. How weird of her friend’s mother, why on earth would you go through someone else’s phone? Total invasion of privacy.

@MichelleScarn, I just reread the op, your right id misread the end!

I agree with your daughter. It's a total invasion of privacy. I'd be asking the mum why she felt the need to do this, it makes no sense.

Her friends mum has telephoned me as she has some screenshots of some messages between my daughter and another friend.

The friends mum has phoned you because she's concerned about the content of the messages.

The messages were just basically my daughter was worried and thought her friend was going to look better than her at her party.

How did your DD actually phrase it. I'm imagining not in the kindest way.

No, the friend should not have gone through the phone - she's a nosey 12 yo who wanted to see what her friend had been texting to another friend in front of her - and then found outfit was about her, feels upset and has gone to her mum.

It sounds like both girls are in the wrong here.

@SukonthaM

How old is your daughter? If it were me then I’d be asking them what the fuck they think they’re playing at going though your daughters phone and taking photos of her?? What was your response when they phoned uou?

She is nearly 13. And it was after my daughter fell asleep. It was 2.30pm in the morning when shes gone on her phone and took these pictures.

So what was your response when the mother phoned you?