Teenage Daughter Phone Invasion

[ParryHotter85]

My teenage daughter has slept at her friends house. Her friends mum has telephoned me as she has some screenshots of some messages between my daughter and another friend.

The messages were just basically my daughter was worried and thought her friend was going to look better than her at her party.

The thing is this friend has waited until my daughter has fallen asleep and gone through days worth of messages between my daughter and her other friend and took photos of them on her phone.

My daughter feels her privacy has been invaded.

They only really have each other though and I'm worried if they fall out, my daughter may struggle at her second year in high school without one close friend.

Any advice?

Why did she decide to go through your daughter's phone? It's a bit odd and controlling I think (or am I being dramatic?) Is your daughter this girls only friend too? Is she possibly jealous/angry your daughter has another friend?

Is it definitely your dd’s phone she went through, and not her own dd’s phone?
If it is your child’s phone then it is a bizarre and totally unacceptable thing to do. I cannot for the life of me imagine going through the private things of a girl in my house for the night. Creeping in when she is asleep ? What is this woman like normally?
The messages sound innocuous and normal pre teen stuff, your dd is only 12 ! What is the mother so bothered about, and why did she do this ?

@LynetteScavo

Her friends mum has telephoned me as she has some screenshots of some messages between my daughter and another friend.

The friends mum has phoned you because she's concerned about the content of the messages.

The messages were just basically my daughter was worried and thought her friend was going to look better than her at her party.

How did your DD actually phrase it. I'm imagining not in the kindest way.

No, the friend should not have gone through the phone - she's a nosey 12 yo who wanted to see what her friend had been texting to another friend in front of her - and then found outfit was about her, feels upset and has gone to her mum.

It sounds like both girls are in the wrong here.

Yes basically my daughter has said to her other friend I am worried name is going to look better than me at my birthday.

Other friend has replied no she won't your better looking.

I understand this isn't a nice thing to read and I've addressed this with my daughter that she should have spoken about it to me.

Furthermore yes they are nearly 13 which is a very awkward insecure phase when periods have just started.

The friend whose house she stayed over at has seen her unlock her phone as it always has a pin on and noticed the PIN number.

She has waited until My daughter has fallen asleep, then off her own mobile took pictures of my daughters mobile and all the messages between her other friend. You can clearly see its 2.30am.

The other thing is this, Ive gone back to these messages in my daughters phone and I've had to scroll back and back through lots of messages as they were sent days ago. That means shes been sat up reading through my daughters conversations.

Her mum has then either seen these photos on her phone and rang me.

@LynetteScavo

So what was your response when the mother phoned you?

I asked her to send me the messages and then sent to check my daughters phone.

My daughter has said to her friend she is worried her friend will look better than her but it isnt sitting right with me that someone at 2.30am has asked her to sleepover and waited until she was asleep to trail through her phone and take pictures.

@SirVixofVixHall

Is it definitely your dd’s phone she went through, and not her own dd’s phone? If it is your child’s phone then it is a bizarre and totally unacceptable thing to do. I cannot for the life of me imagine going through the private things of a girl in my house for the night. Creeping in when she is asleep ? What is this woman like normally? The messages sound innocuous and normal pre teen stuff, your dd is only 12 ! What is the mother so bothered about, and why did she do this ?

No it was her daughter that asked my friend to sleep it was the daughter that went through and took pictures then her mum has phoned me.

@happinessischocolate

How did the mum access the phone? Surely everyone has a PIN number on their phone nowadays?

She did have a PIN the mother didn't access the phone it was the daughter! She has shared the photos with her mum.

Please tell me you read the riot act to the mum for being absolutely unhinged! I'd go mad

@ManicPixie

She waited till your daughter was asleep then went through her phone? That’s not normal.

It doesn't feel right. Shes waited until my daughter fell asleep then the screen time shows 2.30am. They are only 13 if isn't sitting right with me.

@MichelleScarn

Who's the other girl your dd was messaging about unhappy mums daughter?

Just another friend.

@Soontobe60

If these messages were so innocuous why was the other parent phoning you? Who made the screenshots of the messages? All sounds a bit odd to me.

My daughters friend was on my daughters phone in the middle of the night, took Photos on her phone of my daughters messages then her mum found them.

Yes what did you say to the mum?

Very inappropriate behaviour on several accounts. This is a good lesson to:

a) make DC aware of how important it is to keep PINs and passwords secure and make sure that others cannot access their private data.

b) consider whether 12 is too young to have unsupervised phone access overnight.

c) to teach DC that texting someone in the room in the company of others is as rude as whispering about them.

@MichelleScarn

Why did she decide to go through your daughter's phone? It's a bit odd and controlling I think (or am I being dramatic?) Is your daughter this girls only friend too? Is she possibly jealous/angry your daughter has another friend?

Yes the other girl doesn't really have many friends either so it could possibly be a jealousy thing.

@purpleme12

Yes what did you say to the mum?

Im going to speak to her today as my daughter left her charger there. I wanted time to read through my daughters messages, the content etc and have a think about it.

I'm trying to get my head round this.

So your DD is staying with girl A. DD has messaged girl B talking about girl A.

While DD was asleep A has gone through DDs phone and taken photos of those messages to B.

Girl A's DM has now seen those photos and called you.

Is that all correct?

Questions - why did A's DM call you? To tell you A had been inappropriate? Or to have a go about the content of the messages?

What was the content and tone of the messages? 'A has great clothes, I'm going to look a mess next to her!' or 'A's so skinny, she's probably got an eating disorder'?

DD is right to be upset, and as for worried how she'll get on without a close friend - A isn't a close friend is she, if she behaved like that! Can DD not concentrate on her friendship with B instead?

If the messages to B had a bullying tone about A then that's a seperate thing I'd be tackling.

@careerchangeperhaps

Very inappropriate behaviour on several accounts. This is a good lesson to:

a) make DC aware of how important it is to keep PINs and passwords secure and make sure that others cannot access their private data.

b) consider whether 12 is too young to have unsupervised phone access overnight.

c) to teach DC that texting someone in the room in the company of others is as rude as whispering about them.

She wasn't in the room texting someone. As I stated earlier these messages were from Saturday so this girl has gone through days worth of her messages.

So the girl your DD had a sleepover with raked through your DD’s phone and screenshot a lot of stuff and sent them to her mum as “incriminating evidence”. Then her mum sent them to you?

Well they’re both a pair of bullying bitches and that would be that friendship done and dusted!

The girl is clearly trying to get DD into trouble one way or another.

Huuugggeee invasion of privacy. What kind of entitled cf of a friend and parent sneak a teens phone away whilst they are asleep and go through it. I would be taking this very badly if were you. They would have seen personal family photographs, messages between the two of you. How dare they.
I can only imagine how I would have felt at that age if a friend and her mum went through my personal diary whilst I slept (because that would have been my equivalent at that age) taking photographs and phoning my mum on the content. Bloody violated.

@WeatherwaxLives

I'm trying to get my head round this.

So your DD is staying with girl A. DD has messaged girl B talking about girl A.

While DD was asleep A has gone through DDs phone and taken photos of those messages to B.

Girl A's DM has now seen those photos and called you.

Is that all correct?

Questions - why did A's DM call you? To tell you A had been inappropriate? Or to have a go about the content of the messages?

What was the content and tone of the messages? 'A has great clothes, I'm going to look a mess next to her!' or 'A's so skinny, she's probably got an eating disorder'?

DD is right to be upset, and as for worried how she'll get on without a close friend - A isn't a close friend is she, if she behaved like that! Can DD not concentrate on her friendship with B instead?

If the messages to B had a bullying tone about A then that's a seperate thing I'd be tackling.

Yea that's exactly correct.

No the content of the messages were more of insecurity from my daughter. She didn't call her a name or say anything awful she just clearly states Im worried shes going to look better than me.

Friend B has then replied saying no you wont cos your better looking.

I understand that must be horrible to read but I feel that my daughters privacy has been invaded and she has been scrolling back through days worth of messages on my daughters phone.

I think I would have to say to the mum that I was uncomfortable about the fact that her daughter had read through your daughters messages without permission. It sounds like your daughter hasn't actually said anything bad, and was just having a confidence issue.

@ANameChangeAgain

Huuugggeee invasion of privacy. What kind of entitled cf of a friend and parent sneak a teens phone away whilst they are asleep and go through it. I would be taking this very badly if were you. They would have seen personal family photographs, messages between the two of you. How dare they. I can only imagine how I would have felt at that age if a friend and her mum went through my personal diary whilst I slept (because that would have been my equivalent at that age) taking photographs and phoning my mum on the content. Bloody violated.

This is how I feel. The mum hasn't gone through the phone but her daughter has, Took pictures and then got in touch with me.

@Stormwhale

I think I would have to say to the mum that I was uncomfortable about the fact that her daughter had read through your daughters messages without permission. It sounds like your daughter hasn't actually said anything bad, and was just having a confidence issue.

It was very much an insecure issue she has just started her periods turning 13 we all know how it can be.

The other friend who she was texting stated my daughter was better looking and not to worry, which isn't nice but it wasn't my daughter who said that.

@BingBongToTheMoon

So the girl your DD had a sleepover with raked through your DD’s phone and screenshot a lot of stuff and sent them to her mum as “incriminating evidence”. Then her mum sent them to you?

Well they’re both a pair of bullying bitches and that would be that friendship done and dusted!

The girl is clearly trying to get DD into trouble one way or another.

Yes that's exactly it.

As your DD has not said anything really bad, apart from sounding insecure about whether the friend will look better than her, which isn’t a great thing to say, I’d be saying to the mum that I’ve read the messages and while it wasn’t the best thing for my DD to write, it certainly doesn’t warrant what her daughter has done by accessing your DD’s phone in the middle of the night and reading her messages. I would ask the mum why her daughter did that. Had something been said between the two girls that had upset her? I wouldn’t have stayed friends with someone who did that, but you need to take your lead from your daughter on this. If she wants to forgive and make up, fair enough but I’d advise changing the pin and no more sleepovers.

If I was the other mum no way would I raise it with you. I'd be asking my DD WTF she thought she was doing sneaking through her mates phone and telling her that she deserved to read a mildly bitchy message for that behaviour. Telling one friend that they are prettier than another IN PRIVATE is totally normal and has no relevance to anything. The daughter has issues and the mother is not helping by encouraging this shit. I would call it out (if my DD agreed) but move on and chalk it up to experience.