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Original poster

DH thinks he can be the disciplinarian but nothing else

53 replies

Peachy92 · 31/08/2021 11:54

Getting a little frustrated with the way my DH thinks we should be parenting. Our DS is nearly 2.5. DH likes the old fashioned "mum is the caregiver dad is the disciplinarian". He thinks dad is the Alpha of the pack and therefore should step in when DS is misbehaving.
He's very old fashioned in the sense of the man rules the roost. We both work full time and our DS doesn't go to nursery so with covid he's been home with us all the time whilst we both try and do full time jobs. I do a full time job, plus the full time mum duty / housework / cooking you name it I do it. If I ask DH to do lunch he comes looking for me to ask what should DS have? What pudding should he have after dinner? Has he eaten enough dinner / lunch? He never seems to notice if DS needs the toilet or new pants. He asks me to decide on EVERYTHING. Which is why when he steps in for the discipline it really bugs me. I deal with the other stuff so I understand him most. DH is too strict and doesn't really understand how to deal with a naughty toddler. He uses far too complex statements and rules to reason with him so DS gets frustrated half way through and continues to misbehave. At this point DH loses patience and either abandons or shouts. Neither one of these rectifies the situation so I end up picking up the pieces and dealing with a now more difficult situation. Isn't it unreasonable for him to think "daddy" is the deciding factor in this one aspect of our sons life when he leaves everything else to me? I don't want my son to think he can push me around until "daddy" steps in and then he has to behave!

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Shirleyphallus · 31/08/2021 11:57

You need to have a chat with your husband and set some boundaries

I can’t understand why you’re son isn’t in nursery though - how do you get any work done if you’re both WFH and also trying to look after him?

FreeBritnee · 31/08/2021 11:59

So he’s decided to be the abusive one and you’re being the passive one? Marvellous.

MrsRobbieHart · 31/08/2021 11:59

You married an idiot. Not sure why you had a child with him.

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WeDidntMeanToGoToSea · 31/08/2021 12:01

Your husband sounds insufferable, tbh. I'm not sure I could bear that level of pomposity and self-importance. 'Man rules the roost'? Confused Were you OK with that until you had a child, or is it a new development?

This method of parenting went out in the generation before last (at the latest) and is likely to be damaging. I think you need a very serious talk with him.

Sundancerintherain · 31/08/2021 12:03

Alpha of the pack ? Are you a family of wolves ? Confused
He sounds like an arse.

Anothermountain · 31/08/2021 12:15

Of course YANBU op. If your relationship is worth saving, I would suggest family therapy now. Or a parenting course at the very least. It's very important to nip this in the bud while your DS is a toddler, not a teenager.

Would your DH be open to re-examining his parenting style? Looking at how he was parented and how that has affected him? Are there any other cultural influences at play? Why does he have such fixed ideas about what it means to be a father?

And as an interim measure, I would invent a reason why you have to go away urgently for an entire weekend, Friday to Sunday nights at the very least. And leave your DS in the sole care of your DH. Don't plan or prepare anything in advance. Then your DH won't be able to rely on you constantly to make decisions for him.

Good luck Flowers

Pissinthepottyplease · 31/08/2021 12:18

He sounds awful. You need to have a serious discussion about parenting. There is no way either of you can be working full time and doing the childcare at the same time. It’s not fair on your child.

Anothermountain · 31/08/2021 12:20

@MrsRobbieHart

You married an idiot. Not sure why you had a child with him.
Oh fhs. Can you be any more unhelpful?

Can you not imagine a scenario where a woman cannot predict how a man is going to parent a child, before they actually have a child together Hmm

Why come on Mumsnet just to be horrible to the op? Does it give your day a little lift or something?

MrsRobbieHart · 31/08/2021 12:22

Can you not imagine a scenario where a woman cannot predict how a man is going to parent a child, before they actually have a child together

Yes, one where she doesn’t know the man well enough to have a child with him. But I doubt that’s the case here. Most people are fairly familiar with their partners personality by the time they’ve married them and had their child.

Ionlydomassiveones · 31/08/2021 12:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Anothermountain · 31/08/2021 12:29

Yes, one where she doesn’t know the man well enough to have a child with him. But I doubt that’s the case here. Most people are fairly familiar with their partners personality by the time they’ve married them and had their child.

I don't think this is true in all cases though. I have known several men within our wider circle of friends who were unexpectedly fantastic or unexpectedly absent fathers.

And again, how did you hope to help the op by telling her she shouldn't have got married in the first place, when she can't actually do anything about that now?

Anothermountain · 31/08/2021 12:30

Shouldn't have had a child with him I mean? How does that help?

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 12:32

@MrsRobbieHart

You married an idiot. Not sure why you had a child with him.
Are you suggesting she gets rid of the child now?
Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2021 12:33

He's very old fashioned in the sense of the man rules the roost.

You knew this when you married him, did you not? Did you think this Neanderthal would change when you had a child?

I would find this untenable. Your poor son. He has a warden for a father.

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 12:33

It sounds like he needs to go on some parenting courses. It also sounds like a miserable relationship with his child and that’s unlikely to change if his child doesn’t get any basic parenting from him other than discipline he doesn’t understand.

Neverrains · 31/08/2021 12:35

Firstly your child needs to go to nursery. It’s not fair on him to be at home with 2 parents working full time, and you can’t possibly be concentrating fully on your work with a toddler around.
Secondly he sounds like an insufferable prick.

MrsRobbieHart · 31/08/2021 12:37

Are you suggesting she gets rid of the child now?

Interesting you took that from my post rather than assuming I was suggesting she got rid of the husband…

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 12:38

@MrsRobbieHart

Are you suggesting she gets rid of the child now?

Interesting you took that from my post rather than assuming I was suggesting she got rid of the husband…

You said ‘not sure why you had a child with him’ - what’s the way back from that?
TiredButDancing · 31/08/2021 12:39

I don't really understand - your DH is so old fashioned but is quite happy for you to work full time while also doing all the childcare? Never ceases to amaze me how many of these "old fashioned" or "traditional" men are only that way when t comes to who does the drudgery of day to day family life but quite happy to be modern when it comes to finances and working and all the rest of it.

For a start, not sure why you're at home with your D while you're both working.

As for the disciplinarian thing - agree completely, he has no right to step in when he has no idea what's going on and isn't involved in any of the decision making. If he was a more active parent, sure. But he's not.

Neverrains · 31/08/2021 12:42

@TiredButDancing

I don't really understand - your DH is so old fashioned but is quite happy for you to work full time while also doing all the childcare? Never ceases to amaze me how many of these "old fashioned" or "traditional" men are only that way when t comes to who does the drudgery of day to day family life but quite happy to be modern when it comes to finances and working and all the rest of it.

For a start, not sure why you're at home with your D while you're both working.

As for the disciplinarian thing - agree completely, he has no right to step in when he has no idea what's going on and isn't involved in any of the decision making. If he was a more active parent, sure. But he's not.

Agree. I have a friend whose DH is apparently very old fashioned and thinks the woman should do all the childcare and housework. However he also really likes the money she earns in her full time, high power job (she earns more than him). So he thinks she should do both. He is also an insufferable prick.
Goldbar · 31/08/2021 12:43

With respect, your DH sounds like a complete arse and you sound like a doormat.

You're not both working full-time if your DS is at home. Your DH is working full-time during his contracted hours while you're putting your health and your sanity at risk by trying to do two jobs simultaneously (work and childcare) and then tacking on a third shift of cooking and housework.

What does your DH do when he's not working? Clean the bathroom ever? Take out the bins?

Original poster
Peachy92 · 31/08/2021 12:46

Appreciating all the answers here, just want to throw this one in because it's been raised a lot. We cannot afford nursery. We've had significant financial changes since DS was born and my mum because full time childminder which she adored until she fell ill and can no longer mange full time. She now has him a couple days a week so I can catch up in the office. My work completely understand and have been very supportive as I catch up in the evenings to stay on top of my workload.

OP posts:
EvilPea · 31/08/2021 12:47

Fuck me he sounds like a bell end.
What happens if your ill?

MrsRobbieHart · 31/08/2021 12:48

You said ‘not sure why you had a child with him’ - what’s the way back from that?

Who said there was one?

TiredButDancing · 31/08/2021 12:49

@Peachy92

Appreciating all the answers here, just want to throw this one in because it's been raised a lot. We cannot afford nursery. We've had significant financial changes since DS was born and my mum because full time childminder which she adored until she fell ill and can no longer mange full time. She now has him a couple days a week so I can catch up in the office. My work completely understand and have been very supportive as I catch up in the evenings to stay on top of my workload.
Great, your work is being supportive. But really, you should be sharing whatever childcare is now required due to him being with you at home a lot of the time.