DH thinks he can be the disciplinarian but nothing else

[Peachy92]

Getting a little frustrated with the way my DH thinks we should be parenting. Our DS is nearly 2.5. DH likes the old fashioned "mum is the caregiver dad is the disciplinarian". He thinks dad is the Alpha of the pack and therefore should step in when DS is misbehaving.
He's very old fashioned in the sense of the man rules the roost. We both work full time and our DS doesn't go to nursery so with covid he's been home with us all the time whilst we both try and do full time jobs. I do a full time job, plus the full time mum duty / housework / cooking you name it I do it. If I ask DH to do lunch he comes looking for me to ask what should DS have? What pudding should he have after dinner? Has he eaten enough dinner / lunch? He never seems to notice if DS needs the toilet or new pants. He asks me to decide on EVERYTHING. Which is why when he steps in for the discipline it really bugs me. I deal with the other stuff so I understand him most. DH is too strict and doesn't really understand how to deal with a naughty toddler. He uses far too complex statements and rules to reason with him so DS gets frustrated half way through and continues to misbehave. At this point DH loses patience and either abandons or shouts. Neither one of these rectifies the situation so I end up picking up the pieces and dealing with a now more difficult situation. Isn't it unreasonable for him to think "daddy" is the deciding factor in this one aspect of our sons life when he leaves everything else to me? I don't want my son to think he can push me around until "daddy" steps in and then he has to behave!

So he wants a modern working woman, But a wife who is an old fashioned housewife? I think not.

You want the benefits of an extra wage, then you step up and do your fair share of house duties, including looking after the children.

Point that out to him and see what he has to say for himself.

(yes I know that op may be choosing to work, but that's not the point here)

@Peachy92

Appreciating all the answers here, just want to throw this one in because it's been raised a lot. We cannot afford nursery. We've had significant financial changes since DS was born and my mum because full time childminder which she adored until she fell ill and can no longer mange full time. She now has him a couple days a week so I can catch up in the office. My work completely understand and have been very supportive as I catch up in the evenings to stay on top of my workload.

And your DH is of course doing 50% of the childcare when your son is there, and catching up in the evenings, and his work are equally as understanding, yes?

@MrsRobbieHart

You said ‘not sure why you had a child with him’ - what’s the way back from that?

Who said there was one?

Oh sorry, I thought you were trying to be helpful! Not just put the boot in! Apologies, I mis-read it.

Your update kind of makes it even worse - that you are running around sorting everything and all he does is discipline and look like being in charge.

You have relationship issues as much as parental ones

I would be a lot more furious that DH does none of the childcare and housework than that he wants to do the discipline role! Can you start off with making things more even? That would hopefully have a knock on effect on the discipline issue - as you say, if DH knows DS better he may be better at giving more appropriate discipline.

If he refuses to do any more of the childcare and housework than his current level of zero, then that would be a deal breaker for me.

Do you like your husband?

You might want to think about the fact that, if you ditch him, you may end up with a significantly better quality of life as a single mother.

At the moment, you are essentially a slave - childcare/work during the day, work at night and housework fitted in round about everything else.

Do you ever get any time off?

Sounds like he doesn’t have much confidence making decisions about things that he didn’t see his dad do, he only has confidence about things his dad did, ie discipline. Tell him that. And also does he want his kid growing up like that? Nows the time to break the cycle. Otherwise he will be the ‘bad cop’ all the time and dc won’t love him as much if all they get from him is bad!

You need to spread the chores and childcare equally. The more time he spends doing childcare the more he will get used to it. Then he will know how much dc needs to eat or what time he needs to consider a change a nappy after lunch etc. It’s just practice.

If he is not prepared to pull his weight you may be better off without him tbh.

Ltb, get your 15 free hours of childcare at 2 year old, facilitate visitation (it probably won't last long if he cba now), ride off into the sunset

Re nursery, you'll be entitled to 30 free hrs the term after he turns 3, so imo you should start looking into a place now (to secure it at least).

I also agree your husband sounds hard going, both the parenting style and the division of labour! Sod that! The first step is to get him to see that this isn't on, so that requires a serious conversation. Would he do a parenting course as others have said, or read a book?! Something like how to talk so little kids will listen.

To summarise
Your husband is awful and child should be in childcare if you are both working

@Peachy92

Appreciating all the answers here, just want to throw this one in because it's been raised a lot. We cannot afford nursery. We've had significant financial changes since DS was born and my mum because full time childminder which she adored until she fell ill and can no longer mange full time. She now has him a couple days a week so I can catch up in the office. My work completely understand and have been very supportive as I catch up in the evenings to stay on top of my workload.

When does he catch up on his work? Oh yes, he doesn’t have to because you do everything!

Has he wandered in from the 19th century?! Have the last 60 years passed him by?! What a weirdo.

What a terrible man you picked. What steps is he taking to change his awful behaviour? Therapy as a bare minimum, but surely he’s educating himself on what’s damaging to a child and how not to be a misogynist? No? How long will you tolerate this?

Why on earth have you allowed it to get to this point? You really need to speak to him about splitting the household and childcare duties and if he is not willing to do his share then honestly I would leave. I imagine your life would be far easier without him to look after too. Also you need childcare, work might be supportive now but what happens if that changes? It is also not good for your ds.

Op, your husbands stance doesn't make any sense whatsoever. You MUST see that.

If he's an alpha male, and you like that kind of thing (some women do until they see sense), which would be (kind of) fine, in an 'each to their own' fashion.

But, he's not is he? He's picking the bits that suit him (no housework, no childcare); but not that bits that don't, ie you working.

So, therefore, he's not an alpha male, simply a lazy arsehole who has worked out how to manipulate you to his best advantage.

As it stands, if nothing changes, you will end in divorce, without a shadow of a doubt. You will grow more and more resentful amd eventually hate him. Then you'll divorce, find yourself suddenly so happy, and wonder why you didn't do it sooner. Just depends how many years of your one life you want to spend miserable first.

I don't really think he isn't well aware that he should be doing 50% housework and childcare, if you're both working full time. How can he, unless he's thick as mince as well?

I think your DH likes to describe himself as "old fashioned" and "alpha" because it sounds better than "lazy" and "selfish".

Jeez, no wonder people hesitate to ask for support, or vent, on Mumsnet nowadays...it's always the op's fault isn't it, not the lazy man!

Eg:

-How have YOU allowed it to get to this point?
-What a terrible man YOU picked

• He doesn't have to catch up on work because YOU do everything
• YOU sound like a doormat

So much for the sisterhood.

@Anothermountain. Were it the OP's husband posting on here, I'm sure people would be more than happy to let him know what they think about someone as lazy, selfish and misogynistic as the OP indicates he is.

The OP sounds capable and hard-working. It annoys me that she's presently only 'a little frustrated' with her DH as opposed to absolutely livid and going on strike but I'm assuming it's 'boiling frog' syndrome.

I would be planning how to leave him :( he sounds a rubbish father.

He is being completely lazy and selfish. you need to try to nip this out right now.

If you can find a time when you aren't both working or you aren't busy running the house and rearing your child (single-handedly) and tell him things have to change.

First off, he is an adult so needs to share the responsibility of running a house/cooking/cleaning etc. After all he is happy for you to share that traditional alpha male responsibility of providing all financial support for the household.

Second, he needs to be a parent and not a caricature of a father from a film like Mary Poppins. I strongly suggest he attends a parenting course because he seems to have learned nothing in the past 2 years. Even reading a parenting book would be a start.

Then finally tell him you absolutely refuse to let him be "disciplinarian" for a toddler he does nothing else for and that will end right now, even if it means you undermining him every time he starts by saying "not now DH, I will deal with this"

Only way to deal with this sort of traditional man is to tell them that they can behave like one when they earn like one - ie when they pay all the bills and you can keep all your income for you. Until then whilst you contribute to the finances they contribute to the housework and childcare.

""MrsRobbieHart

You married an idiot. Not sure why you had a child with him."

Oh fhs. Can you be any more unhelpful?

Can you not imagine a scenario where a woman cannot predict how a man is going to parent a child, before they actually have a child together hmm

Why come on Mumsnet just to be horrible to the op? Does it give your day a little lift or something?"

Now now. That's not fair. Of course there is something the op can do.
She simply needs to get into her time machine and travel back to their first date, wait until younger her goes to the loo then grab her and explain what a twat this bloke is and plead with her to dump him.

I'm not sure why you failed to see this blindingly obvious solution.

It's usually weak men who claim to be alpha men.

Op my dh was like this. His dad only ever came home (after being at the pub) and yelled at everyone. The phrase 'you wait until your dad gets home' was used a lot.

He started attempting this with dd and when I pointed out the parallels he realised what he was doing. He didn't know that was what he was replicating. He thought he was 'helping' me by 'enforcing'. I then sent him some things about child development that he read and took on board and now he hardly ever shouts at all.

We do disagree on some things, like when he changes the rules half way with dd (I.e eat 3 more bites of dinner and you can have x but then when she's had 3 bites he then says have this but you have to have another bite of dinner after) and I have to remind him that he has to be consistent and he agrees with me after yet he still attempts it again 🤷‍♀️

He also would come to me about everything to do with dd but I left her with him more and more (went out so he had no option to figure it out) and he got it very quickly - amazing really isn't it 🙄. If you're there he's going to default to you, especially if he's got this 'man work and discipline, woman do everything else' mentality.

@MrsRobbieHart oh do take a hike pls, it’s people like you who drive me mad. Sometimes you don’t actually know what parenting style your partner will have until after you have children. Nobody says “oh I think I’ll have a child with this man and make my life difficult”. Wind your neck in.