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Parenting

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Original poster

DH won't do nights with DC

58 replies

Beginneratlife · 30/08/2021 13:10

Hi, I need some help on how I can get my DH to do his fair share of childcare, now that I am back at work after mat leave.

DH is a good dad to our 1yo DC and we love each other, and our DC. Our household chores are divided pretty 50/50.

The issue is childcare. And especially - nights.

When I was on mat leave I did not mind doing all the nights and early morns. I found this ok as I would nap in DCs naps.

Now DC is 1yr but still usually wakes between 1 and 3 times a night and is normally up for good at 6.30am. This is all still normally falling to me, even tho I am now back at work 4 full days a week while DC goes to nursery. This it is starting to make me resentful (not to mention, exhausted!)

The thing is, DH is really crap at nights and early in the morns. He has always been a deep sleeper and hard to wake. I'm a lighter sleeper and a morning-person, but I do need sleep!

I have talked to DH about this and he has point blank said he cannot do nights and early morns and function...on the rare occasion I have made him help at night he complains about being sooo tired the next day. I can kinda do the nights and function but it is leaving me exhausted and frequently ill with colds. It feels like I don't have much choice, though!

What should I do? What works for you? Do I just accept that he can't/won't do nights and I just muddle thru? Do I get him to make up for it by doing other things? But what? We always end up sharing everything else...

Or do I keep fighting him on this? Force him up every other night to take care of DC? Even if pisses him off? Till he gets used to it? That makes me feel horrible - surely it gets to a point that if he can't do it then he can't do it?

AIBU here?!

He gets upset if I suggest he isn't pulling his weight, as he thinks he does loads! He does do a lot but he just clocks off 8pm-8am.

I don't want to be the sort of couple where we count how much each one does and bicker over it. Parenting is a marathon and mostly we have each other's backs. But I am really struggling with the nights and lack of sleep....

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SpaceBethSmith · 30/08/2021 13:11

You work too.

You wake him up every time the baby wakes up. For a week. Let him see how tired you are.

Doing night wake ups isn’t something you can check out of. He’s a parent too.

SkinnyMirror · 30/08/2021 13:14

Keep fighting. This is hugely unfair on you and very selfish of him.

He should have been doing some nights anyway! At least at the weekends and it's outrageous that he hasn't.

Good dad's don't pick and choose which aspects of parenting they want to be involved in. They just get stuck in.

CupoTeap · 30/08/2021 13:15

What's he planing on doing if you walk out due to exhaustion and him not pulling his weight?

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SeaToSki · 30/08/2021 13:16

Do some controlled crying with dc to get them to sleep better, at 1 they can sleep through the night. The DH issue of not helping when you are on your knees needs to be addressed separately. Maybe leave DH with dc over the weekend to start off the controlled crying and you go to a hotel to sleep and relax

welshweasel · 30/08/2021 13:18

Either he gets up half the time or he spends a weekend sleep training (if you’re ok with that) and you go and stay elsewhere for 3 nights.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2021 13:20

Your husband is an arsehole. How nice for him that he can decide to not be a parent for half the fucking day. Shows how much he respects and values you, doesn't it? What a dickhead.

HawksAreRed · 30/08/2021 13:21

I don't think you can force him to do it. Just explain how tired you are and how much you are beginning to resent him.

He'll either care or he won't. What you do next is then up to you.

Crocky · 30/08/2021 13:27

One plan for the short term, although probably not great for your relationship, is you go to bed early evening and he does any evening stuff and you also get catch up on sleep time every weekend.
It’s not a great plan but it may get you through.

Bluey18 · 30/08/2021 13:33

You wake him every single time the baby wakes. Either he takes turns so you both get some sleep or he can try and function on the same amount of sleep that you are currently on. I'm fuming for you, he's an arsehole.

And I wouldn't be having any more kids with him!!

Deadringer · 30/08/2021 13:36

I think that one of you should do the early mornings and the other the night wakings, and switch around as necessary. As pp said, he is a dad 24 hours a day, not just when he feels like it.

LakeShoreD · 30/08/2021 13:42

Yes he’s an arse who isn’t pulling his weight but I think with a 1YO you’re looking at this the wrong way. Instead of saying he has to get up with the baby, sit him down, tell him your exhausted and that you need his support to do sleep training together. Work as a team to stop the wake ups and you’ll all be happier for it. Sleep training doesn’t have to be controlled crying if you’re not comfortable with it, I would suggest that you both look up different methods to find whatever you think would suit your family.

vdbfamily · 30/08/2021 13:50

When my youngest was 12 months old( were also had a 3 and 4 year old at that stage), I went away for a long weekend to Scotland. Before I left, I was getting up a couple of times at night to one or other of the children, on my return he said that he had slept through every night and no one had cried. We got much better sleep after that as they had pretty much sleep trained in a long weekend. As mum's we are conditioned to react to every little noise and seem to hear far more.

Tataru · 30/08/2021 13:50

Bollocks to him. Everyone is tired the next day when they have to get up with a baby. That's just life. It's incredibly unfair one person being exhausted and the other just sailing through as if they don't even have a baby. If he's not going to get up in the night then he can get up at 6am and be on baby duty till you get up and get him breakfasted and ready for nursery while you sleep.

OlivejuiceU2 · 30/08/2021 13:52

Not on whatsoever! I have a one year old and work four days a week. Me and partner do everything 50/50, that includes the nighttime.

You need to be firm and tell him he needs to start doing it too.

You deserve a lie in too. You are both parents so why should you be e only one exhausted.

kittenkipping · 30/08/2021 14:02

What a twat. He point blank says he can't do it because he's too tired to function? What if you said the same thing? You don't get to point blank refuse to be a parent half the day! That's not one of the options! I'd be waking him and forcing him.

He can AT LEAST take weekends whilst he gets used to it. Won't impact on his "function" for work but at least you'll catch up a bit. Why hasn't he been doing that? If you hold the fort up through the week, to help him stay fully functional then why hasn't he made that up to you on weekends? That said- really he should have been taking turns, and doing his share all along and that he hasn't shows how he values you. He doesn't care about your well-being or exhaustion as long as he is alright jack.

Esbee1 · 30/08/2021 14:17

You must be exhausted. Absolutely shocking behaviour from your husband. Why is it that his nights / sleep are so much more important than yours? I'm on maternity leave currently and my husband is up at 4/5 am every day before he does a full day at work to look after our baby while I have some sleep. I hope you can make him see sense - he is being completely ridiculous.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 30/08/2021 14:24

He can AT LEAST take weekends whilst he gets used to it.

This. Tell him he must start doing Friday and Saturday nights and the following mornings, that's the minimum. Point out that this is making you ill.

MattyGroves · 30/08/2021 14:27

You need to fight this one. I would consider - if feasible - literally leaving him to it for a night as a starting point

timeisnotaline · 30/08/2021 14:29

I’d go to a hotel for 3 nights, call him from there to tell him I’m not a lesser type of human than he is and I need sleep too. He can do 3 nights solo, he’s expected you to do a year solo and you will split them when you get back as you cannot carry on with a husband who says you don’t matter by going off to bed every night.
Mine were shocking sleepers so I did go away for 3 nights after my second before going back to work to give dh the full experience so he understood that all he was doing by splitting nights with me once we were both working was pulling his weight. Not a heroic gesture, not carrying the family, not more than any other man has done before. The bare minimum, pulling his weight.

Miliao · 30/08/2021 14:30

“ surely it gets to a point that if he can't do it then he can't do it? ”

What?! What if you get to a point that you can’t do it, is anybody going to get up with your child. That is ridiculous, you’re no more programmed to get up than he is. If he’s not going to do it, then he needs to pay for a night nanny on the nights he’s down to get up in the night.

Temple29 · 30/08/2021 14:30

I just had this argument with my DH this morning funny enough. DS2 is teething quite badly the last few nights and the broken sleep/early mornings is killer!

My DH’s issue is he doesn’t wake and I can’t wake him easily either. We’ve agreed that he needs to head to bed early so he can wake when needed because it’s not fair to all fall to me. Would something similar work for you? Failing that I would sleep on the couch and leave the monitor with him so he has to do it.

PleasantBirthday · 30/08/2021 14:31

So, if you also found you couldn't do it because you feel too fragile, who would do it? The only reason he can be such a baby is that there's a default parent there waiting to pick up after his pathetic arse.

This is just not acceptable behaviour.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 30/08/2021 14:33

Another vote for him doing Friday and Saturday night at the very least while you work out a system that is fair to both of you.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/08/2021 14:36

You split the nights or the hours within the nights.

I'd start with Friday and Saturday (assuming both work weekdays only). He picks one and you pick the other and on that night you clock out 8pm-8am. Use earplugs/ sleep downstairs, whatever works to get a night off. Maybe he does the Friday so if he reneged then he has satirday too.

Then for week nights I'd say waking before 1am fall to A (you get yourself off to bed at 9), then waking after 1am fall to you. Then he gets up with the little one.

Again, you alternate this.

UnbeatenMum · 30/08/2021 14:37

Is there a reason behind this? Medication/medical condition etc? If not can't he just go to bed an hour earlier? People usually adjust to the clock change within a week.

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