DH won't do nights with DC

[Beginneratlife]

Hi, I need some help on how I can get my DH to do his fair share of childcare, now that I am back at work after mat leave.

DH is a good dad to our 1yo DC and we love each other, and our DC. Our household chores are divided pretty 50/50.

The issue is childcare. And especially - nights.

When I was on mat leave I did not mind doing all the nights and early morns. I found this ok as I would nap in DCs naps.

Now DC is 1yr but still usually wakes between 1 and 3 times a night and is normally up for good at 6.30am. This is all still normally falling to me, even tho I am now back at work 4 full days a week while DC goes to nursery. This it is starting to make me resentful (not to mention, exhausted!)

The thing is, DH is really crap at nights and early in the morns. He has always been a deep sleeper and hard to wake. I'm a lighter sleeper and a morning-person, but I do need sleep!

I have talked to DH about this and he has point blank said he cannot do nights and early morns and function...on the rare occasion I have made him help at night he complains about being sooo tired the next day. I can kinda do the nights and function but it is leaving me exhausted and frequently ill with colds. It feels like I don't have much choice, though!

What should I do? What works for you? Do I just accept that he can't/won't do nights and I just muddle thru? Do I get him to make up for it by doing other things? But what? We always end up sharing everything else...

Or do I keep fighting him on this? Force him up every other night to take care of DC? Even if pisses him off? Till he gets used to it? That makes me feel horrible - surely it gets to a point that if he can't do it then he can't do it?

AIBU here?!

He gets upset if I suggest he isn't pulling his weight, as he thinks he does loads! He does do a lot but he just clocks off 8pm-8am.

I don't want to be the sort of couple where we count how much each one does and bicker over it. Parenting is a marathon and mostly we have each other's backs. But I am really struggling with the nights and lack of sleep....

A good parent doesn’t refuse to parent because it’s nighttime.

If he's getting uninterrupted sleep, he needs to do 100% of the household chores.

Depending on your financial situation, can you hire a babysitter/night nanny to do some of the nights your DH should be doing? Ime a lot of men tend to undervalue caring work done by their wives until they actually have to pay market value for it.

Seriously? I’d take that any day of the week!

Some of these responses are mad.

@vdbfamily

When my youngest was 12 months old( were also had a 3 and 4 year old at that stage), I went away for a long weekend to Scotland. Before I left, I was getting up a couple of times at night to one or other of the children, on my return he said that he had slept through every night and no one had cried. We got much better sleep after that as they had pretty much sleep trained in a long weekend. As mum's we are conditioned to react to every little noise and seem to hear far more.

I had an experience very much like this. OP, go away for 2 to 3 nights and break the cycle

What are your days off like?
If you both have different days off one way to do it could be whoever is off the next day does the night wakings that night and the one that is working the next day drops them off at nursery so the other can lie in and catch up on sleep, would that work? Or is DC only at nursery if you're both working?( in which case that wouldn't work)

If you both work the same days then I think you will need to split it either taking a night each or taking a wake up each. Then on your days off one gets up early while the other lies in and take turns doing that on days off.

Either way you need to get your DH on board, explain to him how exhausted you are and he needs to do more nights/mornings. If he doesn't get up, wake him up every time (I appreciate how hard that is - my DP is also a very deep sleeper!)

If sleep training is something that interests you though there is "no cry" methods if you have a google, if you don't like the idea of letting them cry. My DS is only 3 months so haven't done any myself as he's too young but have seen on similar threads that many parents have had good experiences with these methods

I’m back at work and do 100% nights but I do almost no other household chores (just laundry and online food shop and a bit of bill admin). DH does the rest.

It works for us and he does his fair share of daytime childcare/time off for illness etc.

DD is 2 but I’m still BF so makes no sense for him to do nights, but I nap when DD does when I’m at home and rest when DH does all the cooking/cleaning etc.
To be fair she’s now much more reliably sleeping through so we’ll revert to a new split gradually.

Go away for a few days and leave him and the baby.

He'll have to deal with it then, and it's likely that the wee one will sleep better for him, as often happens

Try “That’s fine. I’ll be giving my employer notice in the next few days if things don’t improve. It’s tough for me to always do nights and function at work, too, so maybe I just won’t work.” I have no idea what your DH’s reaction would be, but mine would panic at any hint that I would quit my well-paying job to be a full-time mom. Shaped him right the hell up.