DH won't do nights with DC

[Beginneratlife]

Hi, I need some help on how I can get my DH to do his fair share of childcare, now that I am back at work after mat leave.

DH is a good dad to our 1yo DC and we love each other, and our DC. Our household chores are divided pretty 50/50.

The issue is childcare. And especially - nights.

When I was on mat leave I did not mind doing all the nights and early morns. I found this ok as I would nap in DCs naps.

Now DC is 1yr but still usually wakes between 1 and 3 times a night and is normally up for good at 6.30am. This is all still normally falling to me, even tho I am now back at work 4 full days a week while DC goes to nursery. This it is starting to make me resentful (not to mention, exhausted!)

The thing is, DH is really crap at nights and early in the morns. He has always been a deep sleeper and hard to wake. I'm a lighter sleeper and a morning-person, but I do need sleep!

I have talked to DH about this and he has point blank said he cannot do nights and early morns and function...on the rare occasion I have made him help at night he complains about being sooo tired the next day. I can kinda do the nights and function but it is leaving me exhausted and frequently ill with colds. It feels like I don't have much choice, though!

What should I do? What works for you? Do I just accept that he can't/won't do nights and I just muddle thru? Do I get him to make up for it by doing other things? But what? We always end up sharing everything else...

Or do I keep fighting him on this? Force him up every other night to take care of DC? Even if pisses him off? Till he gets used to it? That makes me feel horrible - surely it gets to a point that if he can't do it then he can't do it?

AIBU here?!

He gets upset if I suggest he isn't pulling his weight, as he thinks he does loads! He does do a lot but he just clocks off 8pm-8am.

I don't want to be the sort of couple where we count how much each one does and bicker over it. Parenting is a marathon and mostly we have each other's backs. But I am really struggling with the nights and lack of sleep....

Different approach (many will disagree) - when this happened to us I would take my child back to bed with me. I found my child would go straight back to sleep and then we all got a good night sleep. It solved the problem entirely.

If you don't want to try that approach then you need to put your foot down and insist on your DH getting up at least 2 nights per week and sharing the load.

You definitely need to fight this one! A previous poster made a great point - what if you just point blank refused to do look after your baby? Women don't get to opt out of parenting. He's being an arse.

I can't speak for the sleep training as that's up to you whether you think it's right for you, but I would definitely insist that you share the night waking or early morns.

My 16 month old wakes once in the early hours, and I deal with that. Then her dad gets up with her at 6am while I get an extra hour in bed. It is the fairest solution for us. Why on earth should you soley be in charge of wakings and early mornings when you are back at work?

The sleep deprivation is the hardest part of parenting for most people. Your partner can't just choose not to partake in that bit.

Good luck and don't give in!

Yeah I also used to be a deep sleeper and not be a morning person but then I chose to have children!I presume he has some big important man job that means he can't be even slightly tired.

He absolutely needs to take his turns, I'd just wake him up every single time, every night until he gets the hang of it.

To me, getting advice on how to split up the time or organise sleeping is in a way, overlooking the real issue which is that somehow he has the impression that he gets to set his hours as a parent and if it doesn't suit him he gets to opt out and somehow it's magically the job of the OP to pick up the slack.

You say, OP, that you do everything apart from this 50:50, but that can't really be true if you end up doing 12 hour shifts on your own? That's really 75:25 in favour of the Home Regent.

If he won't do nights he HAS to do mornings. Tell him to grow up, 6.30am isn't that early when you have kids.

he has point blank said he cannot do nights and early morns and function...
He can, he just doesn’t want to. Why is he under the impression he has the choice not to, and you don’t? I would fuck off to a hotel for a week.

Or refuse to do something else in return: perhaps YOU point blank cannot function while also including his clothes in the laundry/cooking meals that include a portion for him/having sex/whatever while getting so little sleep. Go on total strike and do absolutely fuck all that benefits him for as long as he refuses to take on 50% of nights. Remove all your contributions to joint accounts, because clearly your wage is a worthless hobby contribution that doesn’t count if you can work on broken sleep but he can’t.

I'm like your DP. Sleep like a log. Love to sleep. But - guess what? - as a Mum I don't get to say it's "too hard" for me to get up. I just do it.

My DH and I split the load though-

In the days of babies it was me BFing while DH slept then DH got up to settle the DC while I went back to sleep. Now DC are bigger we split the night time wake ups (DH does have to kick me awake when it's my turn sometimes). And we split the lie-ins. DH gets weekends lie ins (up to 11am) and I get weekdays (to 8am) so I get more shorter lie-ins which I prefer and DH gets two long lie ins which he prefers.

As PPs have said your DH cannot and should not assume this should rest with you.

Thanks a lot for your responses. Lots for me to think over here.

For the record, I don't think my DH is an arsehole generally. It's really just this one (admittedly fairly big) thing. He pulls his weight otherwise and is a supportive partner. He just has a big blind spot on this one thing. Very lucky for him that he is quite funny which I find attractive 😂

I also realise some of the blame may lie with me cos I am currently enabling DHs behaviour by picking up his parenting slack. He has no medical conditions (being a bit lazy and moan-y is not a condition last time I checked).

To be fair, DH is generally exhausted too even without doing nights. He certainly does not swan around like he does not have a DC. But such is parenting, I'm afraid...

I think I was wrong to say DH clocks out 8-8 though. It is really more like 1/2am-8am. He is naturally a night owl. He doesn't always deal with DC in this time (more uses it as time to fire-gaze/work) but he could do parenting then, and is already doing more of the midnight/1am wake ups, as he can see I am at end of my tether.

So for starters, I will make DH responsible for DC several nights a week 9pm to 1am and I will resist getting up in this time. We will see if DH or DC prevail (both are stubborn men haha) either way - it won't be me.

I think I need to move away from responding to almost every DC cry anyway. Not sure I want to do formal sleep training though.

Hopefully this will help a bit and top up my sleep on a regular basis. If needed I will escalate to waking DH up at night. And/or putting the baby on him at 6.30am as needed...

Thanks for the input!

I think I was wrong to say DH clocks out 8-8 though. It is really more like 1/2am-8am. He is naturally a night owl. He doesn't always deal with DC in this time (more uses it as time to fire-gaze/work)

So sometimes you are asleep, he is still awake, your son wakes up and he just continues thinking deep thoughts and waits for you to get up?

You need to get properly angry. He is clearly not really exhausted if he is fannying about till 1am regularly

Also I recommend silicone ear plugs for you for the first part of the night

Does he say what he thought having kids was going to be like?! How does he assume he can just clock out of parenting at night?

@Aquamarine1029

Your husband is an arsehole. How nice for him that he can decide to not be a parent for half the fucking day. Shows how much he respects and values you, doesn't it? What a dickhead.

Exactly. You can't check in and out for the bits that are easy.

What if he wants or you want another one?

I couldn't and wouldn't stay with someone like this. It's meant to be a partnership otherwise what's the point.

So for starters, I will make DH responsible for DC several nights a week 9pm to 1am and I will resist getting up in this time. We will see if DH or DC prevail (both are stubborn men haha) either way - it won't be me.

Why 9-1, leaving you with 1-6:30 which is longer? And why several nights a week only? Why can't he do half?

I would also book yourself a night or two away to recuperate

As in why can't he do half every night or half of all the nights?

He needs to do every night until 1am (he's awake anyway??).

You do the early mornings.

Then at least 2 nights per week he does the whole night. If he chooses to go bed earlier on those nights you can do the first stretch until 1am I guess.

I really hate the MN ‘solution’ of the mother going to bed stupidly early and having no evening at all to get some sleep while dad carries on as normal.

I think your DH is being horribly selfish.

@MattyGroves

As in why can't he do half every night or half of all the nights?

The Princey (as my Dad would call someone who is staying up all night err...thinking and needs his rest so someone else has to pick up his slack the next day) needs his rest.

He needs to grow the fuck up!

In our house I always got up with the children during the night and did everything for them but on a weekend the deal was I got to lie in until 10am, maybe something like that might work better for you both??

I’m not trying to sound awful here but why? Why would it?

So she does five twelve hours shifts and gets what … maybe eight hours ‘back’?

Plus I only sleep in the mornings if I am very tired as DP and DS are noisy!

He's not a good dad!
Good parents don't pick which bit of parenting they do .

@SpicyJalfrezi

I’m not trying to sound awful here but why? Why would it?

So she does five twelve hours shifts and gets what … maybe eight hours ‘back’?

Plus I only sleep in the mornings if I am very tired as DP and DS are noisy!

Yeah, quite. I mean maybe if it was vice versa as she's done it all up to now, even when he was still awake bafflingly. But let's not pretend it's an even split

Well nobody prepared either of us for being up all night and at the crack of dawn but he’s our son and you have to get used to it and just get on with it. I need my sleep but I can’t just check out because it’s tiring.

You can’t do it alone. Persevere with getting him up. He’ll be no more tired than you are and it’s not ok for him to be fully rested and you to be exhausted. Absolutely not on.

Don’t buy the “men can’t possibly hear the baby waking up” thing either, it’s bullshit!

He's being a selfish dick!

He is not being a good father and he is not being a good partner

Good fathers and partners make an effort with their dc not just the fun stuff/when it suits and they don't wait until mum is on her fucking knees with exhaustion to pay lip service up pulling their weight!

I'd be reading him the riot act!

My ex was army (and in a role where you have to be extremely alert!) and only had 10 days annual leave when dd was born. I was on mat leave/Sahm until she was around 1. Then I returned to working as a childminder.

If he hadn't pulled his weight when he was home I would NOT have been at all impressed!

He used to either take baby when he got home from work or he'd take over whatever chores needed doing.

I was bf for most of 1st year but he'd still be up when I/baby was, he'd fetch me drinks, blankets, dressing gown if needed, when I had finished feeding if needed he'd do the nappy change.

When she woke early he'd get up with her as he had to be up early anyway, he incorporated her into his exercise routine of a morning which she loved.

Then he'd hand her over to me as he was setting off for work

You are BOTH baby's parent, you BOTH need awake down time and the same amount of sleep each - does he think a vagina renders you not needing as much sleep?! Prat!

I'd certainly advise you have no more children with him unless he changes his attitude and behaviour!

frankly he should have at least been doing the weekends to give you a break! What you've written means that for the 1st year you NEVER got a break?

Utter bollocks he "can't" do it of course he can he just doesn't want to and thinks your sleep, your wellbeing, your health is LESS important than his!

I'd point blank ask him if that's what he thinks and if so why! Let him tie himself in knots trying to explain that one!

Really this wanted nipping in the bud far earlier on, you certainly need to address it now so that all the future childcare doesn't fall to you too.

Does he take time off work if child is sick? Is he going to (you should share this responsibility) what about bank holidays? School holidays in the future?

As dd got older we split lie ins over weekends too he had the Saturday I had the Sunday

Has he ever been in sole charge of the child? If not that needs fixed ASAP too!

To be quite honest I'm very sceptical that he's pulling his weight elsewhere too, cos if he was he wouldn't be ABLE to sit on his arse come 8pm!

This is not the minor thing you seem to be viewing it as, this is a major issue and shows he doesn't care for you or baby as much as you think

He is naturally a night owl.

As am I - he can still work around that though I had to and many many other parents do too. If he's up late anyway he can do the late night/wee hours wakings

You don't need to respond to every murmur either you need to give it a minute and see if they settle back down, at that age they usually do

Does he do bathing/bedtimes? He should, not just to give you a break but bonding with baby too. How much time does he actually spend with baby?

My ex loved doing bath/bedtime, had great fun splashing about and it was his bonding time with dd.

He sounds pretty crappy as a dad and a partner tbh