Parenting extrovert children when you’re an introvert

[NameChangerDanger]

I am an introvert. I’m steady, calm, reliable, comfortable with silence and draw my energy from time alone or with a select group of friends and family. I am, however, not a doormat. I am confident and assertive when I need to be, particularly professionally.

As a teen, I clashed with my hugely extrovert mother, who seemed to measure my success as a person by how many friends I had and how often I was out with them. I had (still have) a small group of close friends and my three romantic relationships have all been easily come by, lengthy and fulfilling. My marriage is rock solid. I have always been happy with all this, but during arguments, my mum would say things like “and that’s why you don’t have any friends”. She last said it a couple of years ago and I’m in my 30s. When I was younger, it stung, and sometimes made me wonder whether there was something wrong with me. I can see now that it was nonsense.

I now have two daughters, who clearly take after their grandmother. They are whirlwinds of social energy, hugely popular with their peers and with adults who work with them and do.not.stop.talking. Often within inches of my face, having appeared out of nowhere.

It’s exhausting. I regularly have to say no to their constant requests to have friends over/go out and play (they are not old enough to be unsupervised) and have to tell them I need time out from being talked at almost daily.

I feel so guilty about this. They are lovely girls and it seems that everyone is always telling me this. I’ve lost count of the number of key workers/ teachers / activity leaders who have secretly told me my eldest is their favourite. Sometimes though, and I know it sounds awful, they feel like little leeches on my soul.

The last thing I want to do is crush their spirit and enthusiasm for life, but I would be completely frazzled, and probably quite unwell, if I agreed to the amount of social contact they want.

I’m hoping this will get easier as they get older, and can socialise without me. I just don’t want to damage their confidence in the meantime.

Has anyone experienced similar. How did you manage it?

Honestly, the answer is to grin and bear it until they’re old enough to meet their friends without adult supervision. You absolutely can’t let your own issues affect them otherwise they will massively resent it. For example I am an extrovert who had it beaten out of my by my introvert mum; and am only now living the life I was meant to live.

I don’t have “issues”. I just have difference preferences from my children.

My sanity has got to count for something, surely?

There is a balance to be struck here. You are probably right to say no sometimes when you just need to be at home. But they would likely also benefit from you being outside your comfort zone in meeting their needs at other times. I guess it’s just a judgement call each time. It’s great they have each other for stimulation too. That hopefully takes some burden off you a little.

I think you need to provide alternative social contact to spread the burden of providing it yourself - more activity groups with socialising involved, friends to play once a week where they play together and you just check in to see they are ok now and again/watch through the garden window (and hopefully offer return play dates sometimes too).

I think perhaps I’m just feeling it most after 6 weeks of school holidays!

Normally they go to breakfast club and after school clubs 3 times a week (and balk at any suggestion of reducing this), ice skating lessons, swimming lessons and Stagecoach every week. I have consciously tried to outsource it. I’m happy to be a taxi driver and I love watching them.

It’s not like I do nothing with them. Today I took them out for lunch and shopping for several hours. As soon as we got home they wanted to be outside on their scooters (which attracts their friends who live close by) and I negotiated watching a film together instead.

Send them to clubs? You will have to grin and bear them having friends over and playdates but if they are extroverts, you won't really have to do anything - just provide the food etc.

How old are they? By ten, my dd was disappearing into her bedroom with her playdates, making lots of noise but easy for me to block it out, then emerging to play raucous noisy games or grab snacks, but not bothering me at all. This might have happened at age 9 except obviously covid lockdown meant no play dates at all.

It might only be a short term issue for you.

Play dates work well. They will work better soon, when 4yo is at the same school as 6yo and they can easily have people over at the same time. Otherwise the gooseberry causes arguments.

It often results in a horrendous mess, so we’re purposefully building them a playroom that I can shut the door on when they go to bed!

I think I do a lot for them, it just often feels like nothing would ever be enough. I’m not a hermit by any means, but the concept of re-charging is not within their grasp!

@NameChangerDanger

I don’t have “issues”. I just have difference preferences from my children.

My sanity has got to count for something, surely?

Not at the expense of there’s. You need to remember that it’s their home too and until they’re old enough to do without you, you basically set the scene for their social experiences. Without you supporting them they will not be able to live their best life.

This is such a tough one, I’m not anywhere near this yet but my skin crawls when someone at the park tries to talk to me.

I just want to make sure my DC doesn’t fall off anything and hurt himself, he loves climbing so we pretty much have to go to the park every day.

He’s only small but I’m dreading the future and what you describe. Especially parties 😬😬. So far I’ve outsourced quite a bit, he goes to nursery and his nan is taking him to swimming classes and soft play centre things.

Me and DP do camping/forest/parks/beach things like that.

@Ozanj I’m afraid I will never buy into the suggestion that parents must submit to the every desire of their children.

We’re not talking about a situation where I shut my children inside- they go out and do something fun and sociable with or without me every single day (outside of lockdown!)

It’s just the level of their expectation- to be out or to be entertained by someone else ALL day, every day is exhausting!

It’s not a “no you can’t see your friends”, it’s a “we’ve already done X, Y, Z today with so-and-so, and you need to entertain yourself for a while”

My mother in law thinks we’ve over indulged them with activities to the point where they have unreasonable expectations (of her, when she’s looking after them mainly). I think she’s a bit of an arse though. I think they are just uber sociable.

I am already doing a lot, but it sometimes feels like it’s still not enough.

I love the swimming lessons, and actually anything else where there’s a common activity- sing and sign, baby massage, baby sensory- we did the lot!

fine with the park, but oh how I loathe soft play! Totally with you on that one.

Given that you already organise loads of playdates and activities for them, I actually don't think it's a big ask for them to leave you alone for an hour or so at home every now and again, especially since they have each other to play with. Have you tried "quiet time"? "Mummy is busy reading for the next hour so you need to play quietly with your toys or read and then we'll do something together". What would happen if you tried to do that?

Think they are used to doing so much, before and after school clubs and the other clubs.. they don't know how to entertain themselves or be bored.
My two are really chatty too whereas I love being quiet. But I made sure they learnt how to entertain themselves and don't outsource them to loads of activities, and now they just play together or seperately and leave me alone for the most part.

Sounds like your kids have a lot of fun and you stimulate them well

As kids, we'd all spend everyday at our friends house and doing exciting activities if we could, don't feel bad about having time to yourself and putting a movie on

As PP said, they've got each other to play with, get them some arts and crafts things they can get on with independently

Also, I empathise with the experience with your mother. I had one like that, who always did the 'nobody likes you/you don't have any friends' when I was a teenager and it was very unpleasant. You obviously want the best for your kids, luckily

You’ve filled their schedules so full during term time that they haven’t been able to learn to occupy themselves. You’ve been so busy “outsourcing” instead of teaching them how to play alone at home. I’ve seen this in lots of kids, the more you schedule activities the more they will crave just to play with you or other kids.
You need to start helping them to play by themselves for short periods of time, gradually building it up.
But make sure they still get time to play with other kids - playing not structured activities.

They are so little at the moment that I think it’s fair enough that you insist on some quiet time and less sociable time.

When they are older though, I think it’s important that you let them have the opportunities to be more sociable if that is what they need and want.

This thread subtly sounds like you think being an introvert is superior to being an extrovert - maybe I’m wrong but your opening paragraph certainly reads as someone who thinks their personality type is ‘better’ or preferable.

@Goldbar

Given that you already organise loads of playdates and activities for them, I actually don't think it's a big ask for them to leave you alone for an hour or so at home every now and again, especially since they have each other to play with. Have you tried "quiet time"? "Mummy is busy reading for the next hour so you need to play quietly with your toys or read and then we'll do something together". What would happen if you tried to do that?

I did that this afternoon. They snuck off and made parcels which they then “delivered” loudly through the letterbox every 5 minutes before asking me “can I get you anything”? By which they clearly meant the post.

I played the game 4 times over and I admired their drawings and “I love you” / “luv u” notes and random coasters etc. The 5th time, I told them it would be the last time and they needed to go and play somewhere else. Which they did, forlornly.

Then I sit and feel like I’m being horrible.

@CanICelebrate

They are so little at the moment that I think it’s fair enough that you insist on some quiet time and less sociable time.

When they are older though, I think it’s important that you let them have the opportunities to be more sociable if that is what they need and want.

This thread subtly sounds like you think being an introvert is superior to being an extrovert - maybe I’m wrong but your opening paragraph certainly reads as someone who thinks their personality type is ‘better’ or preferable.

Gosh, no. Not intended at all. I was trying (badly, obviously) to explain why I identify as an introvert (those are all recognised characteristics) but also convey that I am not a cowering hermit, as I’ve found many people think introversion means.

My kids are great, they are just not the same.

@NameChangerDanger

Apologies

My children are a mix of introvert and extrovert and their grandparents clearly value the introvert traits more so it’s a sore subject!

I have this too with one of my kids. She goes to Rainbows, Beavers and drama club to get all that energy out there. She does have play dates but these very sociable activities mean that she is not relying solely on me to organise endless social things.

I'm on a similar level of introversion as you with a social butterfly mother who doesnt understand our differences. And my dd is like her. I cant move without her being there at my shoulder talking to me.

Its lovely that she is so passionate about the things she talks about, and I dont want to stifle her, but I also need quiet sometimes.

Thankfully I get respite when I'm at my desk working (I work solo in a non talking role its wonderful!)

I dont know how to advise you, only thing that is making it easier is that as she gets older she seeks noise and buzz amongst her friends etc.

[quote CanICelebrate]@NameChangerDanger

Apologies

My children are a mix of introvert and extrovert and their grandparents clearly value the introvert traits more so it’s a sore subject![/quote]
Completely get that, and sorry to hear it. My brother, the extrovert, was always the child my mum found easier. Just because she could relate better, I think. The reverse was true for my dad, so it sort of balanced out.

Then I sit and feel like I’m being horrible.

I think you need to lose the guilt and get tough..."It's quiet time now. You can show me when quiet time is finished". It's not the worst thing in the world to leave them to their own devices for an hour or so and set up an expectation that they should be able to entertain themselves without adult intervention or the company of other children.

“This thread subtly sounds like you think being an introvert is superior to being an extrovert - maybe I’m wrong but your opening paragraph certainly reads as someone who thinks their personality type is ‘better’ or preferable.”

Completely disagree with this. OP is explaining clearly what having a preference for introversion means. This is useful because very often people conflate introversion for shyness, lack of confidence, or treat it as some kind of issue to “get over”.