Parenting extrovert children when you’re an introvert

[NameChangerDanger]

I am an introvert. I’m steady, calm, reliable, comfortable with silence and draw my energy from time alone or with a select group of friends and family. I am, however, not a doormat. I am confident and assertive when I need to be, particularly professionally.

As a teen, I clashed with my hugely extrovert mother, who seemed to measure my success as a person by how many friends I had and how often I was out with them. I had (still have) a small group of close friends and my three romantic relationships have all been easily come by, lengthy and fulfilling. My marriage is rock solid. I have always been happy with all this, but during arguments, my mum would say things like “and that’s why you don’t have any friends”. She last said it a couple of years ago and I’m in my 30s. When I was younger, it stung, and sometimes made me wonder whether there was something wrong with me. I can see now that it was nonsense.

I now have two daughters, who clearly take after their grandmother. They are whirlwinds of social energy, hugely popular with their peers and with adults who work with them and do.not.stop.talking. Often within inches of my face, having appeared out of nowhere.

It’s exhausting. I regularly have to say no to their constant requests to have friends over/go out and play (they are not old enough to be unsupervised) and have to tell them I need time out from being talked at almost daily.

I feel so guilty about this. They are lovely girls and it seems that everyone is always telling me this. I’ve lost count of the number of key workers/ teachers / activity leaders who have secretly told me my eldest is their favourite. Sometimes though, and I know it sounds awful, they feel like little leeches on my soul.

The last thing I want to do is crush their spirit and enthusiasm for life, but I would be completely frazzled, and probably quite unwell, if I agreed to the amount of social contact they want.

I’m hoping this will get easier as they get older, and can socialise without me. I just don’t want to damage their confidence in the meantime.

Has anyone experienced similar. How did you manage it?

Hi! Introvert here with a very extrovert daughter aged 5. I totally get where your coming from. DD does not stop talking, needs constant attention or stimulation, makes friends easily out and about. I admire it a bit as I couldn't do what she does, but we are different people. She can play well alone for a while but this has been something we have worked on for a while. I have some noise sensitivity issues too (hard to describe, but lots of noise or overlapping noise almost hurts) which I really struggle to deal with.

Due to COVID, we didn't manage to meet any parents of other kids when she started school, but expecting that to change. If it was up to her, she'd have play dates everyday! I couldn't cope with that. As an introvert, unless it's someone I'm 100% comfortable with, I feel I need to be 'on' and make an effort with chit chat etc, but this is exhausting after a while, so totally understand the need to recharge.

Have protected weekends or days in the week when you don't see/do anything. One weekend day out of a months worth is hardly depriving your kids, but I find knowing I have a day when I don't have to 'people' really helps.

@GemmaRuby

“This thread subtly sounds like you think being an introvert is superior to being an extrovert - maybe I’m wrong but your opening paragraph certainly reads as someone who thinks their personality type is ‘better’ or preferable.”

Completely disagree with this. OP is explaining clearly what having a preference for introversion means. This is useful because very often people conflate introversion for shyness, lack of confidence, or treat it as some kind of issue to “get over”.

You must be speaking from experience!

The first response I got immediately told me I needed to set my “issue” aside, which is exactly what I was trying to deter.

OP I feel for you and I'm sorry you're getting such a hard time on this thread. It sounds exhausting. If you have a partner could they take some of the load/absorb some of their energy?

Maybe set yourself limits of what you can/will do with them per week to give a balance.

Fellow introvert here with extravert DSD who struggles to understand I enjoy time alone and not interacting with anyone. If I spend all my time with extraverted children I get mentally exhausted and really struggle to carry on being cheerful/interactive. I do closed end activities with her so I know how long it will be, but otherwise her dad absorbs most of it.

I've met introverts that were noisy, not calm, not steady, not reliable.

@Sewfrickinamazeballs

Hi! Introvert here with a very extrovert daughter aged 5. I totally get where your coming from. DD does not stop talking, needs constant attention or stimulation, makes friends easily out and about. I admire it a bit as I couldn't do what she does, but we are different people. She can play well alone for a while but this has been something we have worked on for a while. I have some noise sensitivity issues too (hard to describe, but lots of noise or overlapping noise almost hurts) which I really struggle to deal with.

Due to COVID, we didn't manage to meet any parents of other kids when she started school, but expecting that to change. If it was up to her, she'd have play dates everyday! I couldn't cope with that. As an introvert, unless it's someone I'm 100% comfortable with, I feel I need to be 'on' and make an effort with chit chat etc, but this is exhausting after a while, so totally understand the need to recharge.

Have protected weekends or days in the week when you don't see/do anything. One weekend day out of a months worth is hardly depriving your kids, but I find knowing I have a day when I don't have to 'people' really helps.

Thank you. This is really thoughtful.

With 4yo going to school soon, I am going to have my 2 non-working days to myself. I’m hoping this will be a game changer...and that I don’t just get sucked into working! Believe it or not, my professional expertise centres around people.

@YeOldeTrout

I've met introverts that were noisy, not calm, not steady, not reliable.

Thanks for that.

I am, and I was describing how I relate to the term so people could get a better picture.

You need to have very firm boundaries with them. Have a reasonable, age-appropriate expectation, such as that you will be reading your book for 45 mins or an hour. Then DONT let them interrupt you unless it is a genuine emergency. Keep telling them, 'no', please go away, this is my quiet time', 'no, I am not playing now, wait until xxx time'
You have to train them.
It is not even as if they are being left alone, as they have each other to play with.
There should be absolutely no guilt about this on your part - your job as a parent is to bring them up, not be at their beck-and-call to their own detriment.
And it is to their detriment if they never learn how to be quiet and cope with boredom.

Also, they need to have the opportunity to develop a love of reading books to themselves - the educational differences between children who read a lot and those who don't are huge. So tell them to sit quietly and read while you do the same, or at the very least NOT to interrupt you.

I'm an introvert married to an extrovert with extrovert kids. I don't have any advice or anything because I'm still figuring out a balance, but man the 6 weeks hols can be tough (but wonderful too!).

Any way just popping on to say hi. And I'm messaging this from a hotel room (on my own) that my dh booked for me because he recognised how full on the last few weeks have been (one of the kids has been quite ill so I haven't slept properly in weeks either). Predictably I've been excited for some me time for days but now I'm here I feel guilty that I wanted a break from my kids and know that I'll rush back early tomorrow!

Can't you just tell your kids "Mummy is tired of other people right now".

"Mummy has had her fill of other people today, but tomorrow will be a fresh start."

I don't understand the utility of assigning labels. Fine to state your own needs.

When I was younger, it stung, and sometimes made me wonder whether there was something wrong with me

The reverse can also be true if they pick up on your annoyance at the way they are. As others have suggested, set boundaries and encourage quiet time alongside their interests and hobbies.

Believe it or not, my professional expertise centres around people.

Yep, totally believe that. We introverts watch people and think about them (just don't like socialising too much)

Screens?

Oh god I feel you so much.
My kids are probably middle of the road for peer stimulation but obviously they need me a lot and I find it exhausting. I do a very people orientated job and when I get home I like to be quiet. But they want to interact. I try my best for a length of time and then send them off via screen time as it's when they're quietest.

I find small talk with people I don't click with (and sometimes those I do) exhausting. I try and arrange well spaced out play dates regularly. So I have time to ramp up and time to decompress.

It's such a difficult balance to strike. I definitely subscribe to the view that a family is only happy when everyone is getting their needs met, so I don't think their needs are paramount.

It does get easier, mine are 6 and they can play together well now, and the conversations are slightly less repetitive!

You’re not being horrible. I actually think it does kids a massive disservice to be entertaining them constantly. Whether they are more social/extroverted or more introverted, it’s a valuable life skill to be able to play and have fun alone, as well as learning to play together with other kids.

I agree with getting them in clubs if possible, my dd did brownies up till recently and it was great for getting her out without being overly taxing as things like sports/swimming lessons can be. It was more like a social group for her. There’s also rainbows for younger girls as well!

It does them no harm to hear ‘mummy’s just doing this, you go and play and show me later on.’

@YeOldeTrout

Can't you just tell your kids "Mummy is tired of other people right now".

"Mummy has had her fill of other people today, but tomorrow will be a fresh start."

I don't understand the utility of assigning labels. Fine to state your own needs.

That’s my profession talking. I’m sorry it offends.

Now that my ds is nearly 8 he can actually articulate to me that when we get back home after a lot of fun he feels out of sorts and sad it’s over and can’t settle.
I’m so glad he can now explain this to me now as I used to not understand - we’d have a day at the beach with friends or something fun but exhausting and on getting home I’d want to chill out but he’d be all “muuuuum I’m boooored”.
Now we know he’s not bored just a bit sad it’s over, I tend to get him a comic or something on the way home to help him settle or save a favourite tv programme to watch.

Actually the biggest dichotomy better me (extreme end of being introverted) and my son (extrovert) is that he's really terrible at playing on his own and he'd much rather have someone with him constantly. And I always wonder why as there's nothing wrong with his imagination or ability to come up with ideas so why the heck do you want anyone there?!

You would ideally tell your children something useful and specific about your needs -- like "Mummy needs a rest"

Between, not better.

I could have written this exact post.

It does get easier. My eldest two (now 13/11) were like this at those ages. Now they’re worn out from secondary school, we chat over dinner and homework, then stick something on TV/read together.

However I now have also have a 5YO who feels the need to narrate every thought in her head directly to me, climbs all over me like she’s a toddler (she isn’t, and she’s also very tall - 3ft 8 to my 5ft 2 so it’s uncomfortable at times!), and last night whilst I was lay reading, she sat next to me playing drums on the mattress

@YeOldeTrout

You would ideally tell your children something useful and specific about your needs -- like "Mummy needs a rest"

Seriously? I don’t need the sanctimony.

I don’t tell my children “mummy is an introvert etc.”

Today it was “I’ve taken you out and I’m tired, you can play by yourselves for a while”.

And no, don’t give into them constantly either.

A friend has 2DC and she’s often done 6 activities with them before midday, has done for years and wonders why they can’t entertain themselves for an hour.

Being “bored” does wonders for their imagination, I love listening to all 3 of mine play upstairs whilst I lie on the sofa having a break!

Not sure I have any answers but feel exactly as you do. Both my husband and son are extroverts while I am introvert. I need quiet solo time and I don't get it ever really. I also can't cope with noise all the time - they are really loud people that like to engage in big discussions all the time. I just take it as there's not much I can do about it and tell myself I want them in my life and this is the package they come in.

Don't feel bad. You sound like you're doing a great job. In order to ' live their best life' they're need to learn boundaries and that everything does not revolve around them and it's different strokes for different folks and you are teaching them that alongside saving your sanity. Don't feel bad op, you're raising well balanced individuals.