Parenting extrovert children when you’re an introvert

[NameChangerDanger]

I am an introvert. I’m steady, calm, reliable, comfortable with silence and draw my energy from time alone or with a select group of friends and family. I am, however, not a doormat. I am confident and assertive when I need to be, particularly professionally.

As a teen, I clashed with my hugely extrovert mother, who seemed to measure my success as a person by how many friends I had and how often I was out with them. I had (still have) a small group of close friends and my three romantic relationships have all been easily come by, lengthy and fulfilling. My marriage is rock solid. I have always been happy with all this, but during arguments, my mum would say things like “and that’s why you don’t have any friends”. She last said it a couple of years ago and I’m in my 30s. When I was younger, it stung, and sometimes made me wonder whether there was something wrong with me. I can see now that it was nonsense.

I now have two daughters, who clearly take after their grandmother. They are whirlwinds of social energy, hugely popular with their peers and with adults who work with them and do.not.stop.talking. Often within inches of my face, having appeared out of nowhere.

It’s exhausting. I regularly have to say no to their constant requests to have friends over/go out and play (they are not old enough to be unsupervised) and have to tell them I need time out from being talked at almost daily.

I feel so guilty about this. They are lovely girls and it seems that everyone is always telling me this. I’ve lost count of the number of key workers/ teachers / activity leaders who have secretly told me my eldest is their favourite. Sometimes though, and I know it sounds awful, they feel like little leeches on my soul.

The last thing I want to do is crush their spirit and enthusiasm for life, but I would be completely frazzled, and probably quite unwell, if I agreed to the amount of social contact they want.

I’m hoping this will get easier as they get older, and can socialise without me. I just don’t want to damage their confidence in the meantime.

Has anyone experienced similar. How did you manage it?

My two pence is that you sound very self aware, empathetic and kind.

Take this post as permission to give yourself a break. You're catering to their needs as much as you can without burning out yourself (which would be detrimental to them).

I don't have any answers - I'll leave those to other posters who have gone through similar. Just know that you're not being unkind to carve out some time for yourself. You won't be able to be the best version of yourself for your daughters if you're mentally drained.

I think children will eat your soul if you let them. You can never do enough for them at that age. They can suck you dry if you don't stick to boundaries when you are flagging. Don't feel guilty, you do loads with them.

I dunno, I’m an introvert and prior to Covid had no issue with DCs friends coming over, and won’t in future either (I’ve said yes every single time this summer but various friends parents keep saying no, outdoors only, we have no garden and the parks are shite at their ages).

And compared to my Dad, I’m an extreme extrovert, he barely mutters more than a few paragraphs per day, but he never had an issue with up to 5 friends being at our house all weekend

This is a real double edged sword. As the extrovert child you become aware at a very young age, that your house is your parents home to which visitors are unwanted I.e. you and your friends are unwanted so you just spend time “away” as much as possible.

This just isn’t true in our case. We are building them a room so they can more easily have their friends over. We intend to update it as they get older, so it’ll become a teenage hang out space. We’ve planned it to be away from our living space and accessible from outside. My parents did this for me and it meant I did all my stupid things (too much to drink, awful boys) at home where they would know about it. I however, thought they were super liberal and cool, and so did my friends.

It’s not that I don’t want to see/ don’t like people. That really isn’t it.

I think it’s really, really hard to convey all the nuances, which is probably why the views here are so stark!

I really want to do right by my children, acknowledging that we are very different, so really I was hoping for some practical suggestions.

I have got those, and many are helpful. I have also had completely contradictory responses.

Parenting is hard, and I’m trying to do the best I can. I’m not going to get it all right, and that, perhaps, is what I’m most afraid of.

I’m not a hermit by any means, but the concept of re-charging is not within their grasp!

No, OP, the issue is that they re-charge in a different way from you - by being around other people. That can be difficult to understand if you're not that way inclined, but I really saw how important that social contact was for my very extroverted dd during lockdown. My usually energetic, enthusiastic dd was utterly deflated. I realised that for extreme extroverts, substantial social contact isn't just a nice to have. They really need to be around people in the same way that you need quiet time to recharge. So you need to find a balance that works for them as well as for you.

No, OP, the issue is that they re-charge in a different way from you

Well, yes, that is pretty much one (of many) textbook explanations of the difference. I’ve not put that very well, but the whole point of the thread is asking for practical solutions as to how we strike a better balance, cos right now it’s not working for me.

I'm an introvert and my DS is an extrovert by nature but as an only child of a single parent he has adapted. I did have to arrange a lot of play dates when he was a child but we would go out to the park a lot where I could sit quietly while they played. When he was small it was a lot of soft play where he would go and make friends and I would sit with headphones and a book.
Now it's great - he's 13 and has a massive gang of friends who he meets up with at the park or the beach and they spend all day outdoors without me he does bring friends home but I'm quite strict on asking first and limiting numbers. My house will never be the party house but I have had to accept that there is an extra child sleeping over at least 2 nights a week in the holidays. Xbox is a godsend as he can spend solid hours in the evenings jabbering away to huge numbers of friends (as well as FaceTime calls that go on at the same time?!).
I admire my DS and his extrovert personality. He's so very different to me. It's amusing to me that I produced this social whirlwind!

@Ibizan

I do understand that OP, and what I would say is keep the communication open.

As you experienced being opposite-verted to your parent can feel very strongly like a Moral Failing, and it takes well into adulthood to realise that actually you are just a normal kid doing the normal stuff that appeals to you.

Communicating that actually both are OK, and that while the introvert wishes the extrovert could just shut up, the extravert wishes the introvert could stop monitoring for stuff to tell them off about later, because it looks like deliberately sabotaging others’ joy.

I relate to the moral failing bit. That’s why it’s so important to me to explore how I can get the balance right.

I don’t relate to the monitoring stuff to tell them off.

Sabotaging their joy is exactly what I don’t want to do, hence asking for experiences. However, they have a hell of a lot of parent-driven joy in their lives. Possibly too much, if my mother in law and other posters are right.! Who really knows? There’s definitely something in it though, because they were so much better during lockdown, when they knew there was no other option.

Somehow we have managed to raise two very happy little girls, so far. I want for nothing more than to keep it that way.

It's amusing to me that I produced this social whirlwind!

Yep, DH and I regularly look at each other and shrug at how we’ve created these two!

@Redwinestillfine @FatJan

Thanks both (and others with similar sentiments) that’s really sweet.

I could have written your post and can tell you it gets (a bit) better. Both my DH and I are madder introverts, as is youngest son. 16 yo DD is hugely extrovert with ADHD and it was very difficult when she was younger. Be careful- she once described feeling "like a cuckoo in the nest" as personality wise we are all so different from her. Now I just grin and bear it. We moved to a house where she has a big room and the spare room for friends to spill out into. Currently we're lurking upstairs as she's got friends downstairs and DH and I have headphones on whilst reading upstairs (DS away at a chess tournament). We accept that our lives will be louder and less comfortable sometimes. DD accepts that she can't have people round all the time. We love each other and compromise.

Secretly we're all excited about her going to university- we will miss each other but there are long holidays and it'll be good for everyone!

Isn’t this just having young children though, rather than introvert vs extrovert?

Kids are loud - even the quieter ones are loud compared with adults. Kids want attention, as much as they can get. Kids like to be entertained. And most adults find this fun for a bit and then exhausting, surely?

I do and I wouldn’t say I’m an introvert at all. I don’t get tired by adult company, but whilst I adore my DC I find their sheer noise level and need for me to play exhausting after a while. Hence we have “quiet time” or “go play by yourself for a bit” time.

At least you, like me, have two similar DC so they ought to be able to entertain each other a fair bit and go and be loud together… somewhere with a door!

@CheshireChat

Actually the biggest dichotomy better me (extreme end of being introverted) and my son (extrovert) is that he's really terrible at playing on his own and he'd much rather have someone with him constantly. And I always wonder why as there's nothing wrong with his imagination or ability to come up with ideas so why the heck do you want anyone there?!

Because he is lonely. As an introvert you don't get his need to have a fellow playmate. An extrovert isn't as self sufficient as you.

Do you ever let him have friends round to play with him?

RampantIvy I get that, however it's the fact it's constant that's the issue.

It's only quite recently we've been able to have people over for a variety of reasons, but I make sure he gets to socialise with peers outside of the house.

It's not sanctimony to be very specific. You started this thread to get suggestions. Suggestions are typically most useful if they are unambiguous.

You like to use words like "introvert" & "extrovert" which are meaningless jargon. Tell your children something useful. Tell them what you need with just enough age-appropriate explanation.

You clearly have a problem with the theory/language I’ve adopted in my post. That’s fine, not everyone subscribes to every theory out there, or it’s application to a particular scenario. Psychologists and those in associated professions aren’t always in agreement on these things.

What makes your posts sanctimonious is that you have chosen not to present this in a thoughtful or helpful way (such as the way in which @minipie has put it, for example). Instead you’ve made a blind leap of an assumption that I use the same language with my children as I do with adults, and that I haven’t tried to explain my feelings to my children in an age-appropriate way.

You have then criticised me for that (wrongly) assumed behaviour/failing.

To be honest I kind of agree with your mother-in-law. Children need to be bored in order to learn to entertain themselves. It sounds like they have so much external input driving their activities during term time that they don't know how to entertain themselves. My son is only 18 months but loves social interaction, is very confident (never shed a tear about going to nursery, happily plays with new adults/children) and thrives on being 'busy', but equally I like down time and also have stuff to do whilst looking after him so even at 18 months he has to spend time playing by himself and learning about being bored. (We're not talking hours obviously, but he can quite happily play with his Duplo/books etc without me whilst I hang the laundry etc or even just spend a few minutes reading).

Just realised the complete lack of grammar in that last sentence/paragraph - apologies!