I've really hurt my baby

[Sickmama]

My baby is 17 months old and he is such a delight. He's usually at the childminders 4 days a week but they're closed this week and I'm off with him on annual leave. As luck would have it I have the worst chest infection of my life (not Covid but still bloody horrible) so all my wonderful plans for the week with him are out the window. DH works and we have no family or friends nearby (new to the area) so instead the last 2 days have been me lying on the sofa wishing I was dead and desperately trying to keep him entertained. I honestly feel so so poorly. When DH gets home he'll take over and I can rest but he's not home yet. He left just before 8 before little one woke up so for the second day in a row I feel horrible and guilty and like a terrible parent.
Cut to this evening when I needed to lie down and so we came upstairs to play in his bedroom and I could just lie on the floor. He honestly was not doing anything wrong. He was getting whiney because it was nearing 6 and he's tired and frankly bored but he really did nothing wrong. He kept asking to go in his cot and then out again and then back in again and I just flipped. I shouted at him and said 'what do you want' really loud. He looked so upset and cried so I picked him up to say sorry and cuddle him but he carried on crying and I flipped again and just put him in his cot and walked out of the room. I didn't shout again but he was crying and I just left him in there and went to lie on my own bed for a few minutes to try calm myself down before I went back in to get him. I didn't want the same thing to happen where I tried to apologise and cuddle him to only get overwhelmed again so I did take a few minutes (less than 5) to just try calm myself. He was crying the entire time. I went back in and he was so upset but also started turning away from me and didn't want me to pick him up. He was looking for his Dad I think as he wanted someone he could trust and that obviously wasn't me right now. It took me ages to calm him down and eventually managed to get him to fall asleep on the boob but he was still sobbing whilst I fed him initially. He was so so upset and cross with me.
I've really hurt him and I didn't mean to. He's fast asleep on me now and I feel so sick with guilt. Will he forgive me?

We’ve all been there. What makes you a great mum is realising your mistakes and trying to make up for it. ❤️

I accidently karate chopped my 18m dd the first time I lost it with her I was desperately trying to settle her newborn brother and she was behind me pulling my clothes and shrieking. I spun around and opened my hands up in a sort of "What is it?!" gesture a bit too fast and chopped her right on the top of the head.

I remember feeling similarly like I was the worst mother in the world and had scarred her for life! I can look back and laugh now because she was absolutely fine, as your little one will be

Gosh you’re making me feel guilty for not feeling so guilty about when I’ve shouted at my kids (this has happened more than I care to admit, but hey, they still seem to like me and I always say sorry.) You’re going to find motherhood haaaaaard yards if you beat yourself up so badly over something like this. Be kind to yourself. Your son won’t remember a thing and he loves you.

I think he is crying because he is tired - which is probably why he was being grumpy and crying before. He's a sleepy boy, not angry with you.

He’s already forgotten

You’re ill and overwhelmed and exhausted. These things happen - literally no parent is perfectly calm all the time.

Have you read Philippa Perry’s book? She talks about rupture and repair - the issue isn’t that ruptures happen, what matters is how you repair them. You took the time you needed to calm down then you soothed and comforted your baby. You’ve repaired the rupture exactly how you should.

I dont think it will affect him hes too young

but i do think your Dh could at least come home early for you

Blood hell OP, I was expecting this to be something awful when I saw the thread title.
Really, lots of us have been there, your little one will have forgotten about it tomorrow. I had appalling PND, one child was a screaming, hitting, no sleeper and the advice I was given was to put them in their cot, shut the door and walk away for a little while, if things got too much. It's the safe sensible thing to do.
Being ill with a baby to care for is awful, again it's something that happens to most of us, you just get through it the best you can. Sending you lots of get well wishes.

I was heavily pregnant with my 3rd and had a 7m and a 18m with a chest infection and I remember feeling so awful that entire week. I laid on the sofa constantly and ordered food in as much as I could lol, I definitely lost my temper a bit that week and felt awful about it for weeks but like other posters have said, your son won't remember

He will remember all the cuddles you seem to have and all the love you clearly give him. He sounds very lucky and you sound lovely. I know it's easy to say but try not to beat yourself up, you sound as though you're doing a top job

Oh op of course he will forgive you he will have forgotten all about it by the time he wakes up,but it's important you forgive yourself! You haven't hurt him, and the fact that you are feeling so badly about this shows you are a great mum. Give yourself a break itl all be ok. I hope you feel better soon xx

Thank you everyone for all your kindness. I really do appreciate it. I am still feeling lousy this morning but DH has agreed to stay home today and take DD out to let me rest up for the day so hopefully today will be a much better day

You did the right thing to put your child safely in his cot and remove yourself from the situation so you could draw breath. We have all done similar at one time or another. Well done - very sensible.

He will be fine with you before you know it. Children do gradually come to realise that the world is not perfect.

I do hope that you will be feeling well again soon - I remember so well how hard it is to care for a child when you are feeling grim.

What care are you getting for your chest infection OP?

@sadperson16 I have a telephone appointment booked for next week, the earliest my GP could get me in for. Getting an appointment is harder than winning the lottery with my GP sadly

Its hard to be assertive when you're unwell but that's not good enough.
Demand something today.