I've really hurt my baby

[Sickmama]

My baby is 17 months old and he is such a delight. He's usually at the childminders 4 days a week but they're closed this week and I'm off with him on annual leave. As luck would have it I have the worst chest infection of my life (not Covid but still bloody horrible) so all my wonderful plans for the week with him are out the window. DH works and we have no family or friends nearby (new to the area) so instead the last 2 days have been me lying on the sofa wishing I was dead and desperately trying to keep him entertained. I honestly feel so so poorly. When DH gets home he'll take over and I can rest but he's not home yet. He left just before 8 before little one woke up so for the second day in a row I feel horrible and guilty and like a terrible parent.
Cut to this evening when I needed to lie down and so we came upstairs to play in his bedroom and I could just lie on the floor. He honestly was not doing anything wrong. He was getting whiney because it was nearing 6 and he's tired and frankly bored but he really did nothing wrong. He kept asking to go in his cot and then out again and then back in again and I just flipped. I shouted at him and said 'what do you want' really loud. He looked so upset and cried so I picked him up to say sorry and cuddle him but he carried on crying and I flipped again and just put him in his cot and walked out of the room. I didn't shout again but he was crying and I just left him in there and went to lie on my own bed for a few minutes to try calm myself down before I went back in to get him. I didn't want the same thing to happen where I tried to apologise and cuddle him to only get overwhelmed again so I did take a few minutes (less than 5) to just try calm myself. He was crying the entire time. I went back in and he was so upset but also started turning away from me and didn't want me to pick him up. He was looking for his Dad I think as he wanted someone he could trust and that obviously wasn't me right now. It took me ages to calm him down and eventually managed to get him to fall asleep on the boob but he was still sobbing whilst I fed him initially. He was so so upset and cross with me.
I've really hurt him and I didn't mean to. He's fast asleep on me now and I feel so sick with guilt. Will he forgive me?

@Sickmama

Thank you for your kind messages. It's just the way he was turning and pulling away from me. He really didn't want me. We have no one else to look after him and DH won't take the time off work; he's self employed and so busy at the moment after a long lull due to Covid so I understand why he can't just take time off but I really don't think I can keep doing this this week. DS sleeps on me because the only other way to get him to sleep is on a walk or a drive, neither of which I'm well enough to do so I just let him sleep on me but that means my one chance to rest I don't have and I just feel exhausted beyond belief. I know I'm being such a terrible parent to him this week and I just pray he really doesn't remember

Your DH needs an unequivocal statement that you are too ill to look after his child and he takes the day off. Ask yourself seriously if your husband was in your situation if he’d make excuses for you to not look after your child when he was too ill to do it Don’t make excuses for him Today showed you are too ill by the afternoon. You need to recover through rest and you are entitled in same way as if you were at work you’d get yourself signed off for a day or to. And looking after a toddler is a bloody sight harder than sitting at a desk or pretty much any paid job. Today was a warning sign that you need time off. Take it. Money and earnings are not more important for a day or so

@Peachee

Can you travel to be with some family and get some support until you feel better in a couple of days. You poor thing. I’m at the end of my tether most days don’t worry about it.. he won’t have a clue what happened tomorrow.

She has a family member already living with her. Her husband. He just needs to suck it up and look after his own child.

@Sickmama

Thank you for your kind messages. It's just the way he was turning and pulling away from me. He really didn't want me. We have no one else to look after him and DH won't take the time off work; he's self employed and so busy at the moment after a long lull due to Covid so I understand why he can't just take time off but I really don't think I can keep doing this this week. DS sleeps on me because the only other way to get him to sleep is on a walk or a drive, neither of which I'm well enough to do so I just let him sleep on me but that means my one chance to rest I don't have and I just feel exhausted beyond belief. I know I'm being such a terrible parent to him this week and I just pray he really doesn't remember

Your DH can take time off and he would if he had to. If he was ill or if you were hospitalised and he needed to look after his child, he would. He just doesn't want to and that's not ok. You really need to insist he takes some time off to let you rest.

You haven't hurt your baby, you did the right thing to put him in a safe place and walk away for a few moments. He won't remember and he still loves you just as much as he ever did.

If you think you are going to lose your temper, putting baby in their cot and walking away is absolutely the right thing to do IMO. Baby is safe in their cot and you get 5 mins to cool down. You did the right thing.

I hope you get better soon and think it's important you ask for help, from DH or is there a family member who can travel to you or something?

Your dh needs to ring in sick or childcare reasons.

Your DH needs to take time off. His clients will cope.
If he was a single parent he wouldn't have the option.

He will be ok - we have all had our moments. It’s difficult raising children in the first place never mind when you are ill with no support.
Could your parent take a day off as careers leave?
No one is perfect. 💐

Aw bless you. I've done this myself - In fact I still occasionally have flashbacks to shouting at ds when he was about 1 as I remember the look on his little face. I was young and overwhelmed and needed a break. He's 20 now and perfectly normal and unscarred!

I sometimes think it would be great to live in one of those communities where everyone chips in and looks after the children and there is lots of support from different generations. It's really lonely being a parent to a young child sometimes. I totally sympathise with the dh not taking time off work thing too. I always had to manage alone.

I was afraid you would write that you physically damaged your baby. But you are sick and you had human emotions when you reached the end of your rope. Human beings have limits.It won't break your child to learn this important life lesson. It will break him if he does not learn it.

My DS (21) invents times that I was mean to him and can remember how wicked I was and how hurt he was ( he's fibbing BTW) , its usually him re-hashing stories i tell him (like putting him in his play pen and going for a pee in peace and a wail out of his earshot

Your DS is probably tired and cranky and picking up on the fact you are unwell.
Think of it as you kept him safe by putting him in his cot .

you did the right thing, and you have not hurt him and he needs to learn that other people have feelings too

Dear OP, poor you being so sick, I really feel for you. Big hugs to you tonight, I can imagine how you feel. I have a 10 month old and sometimes it's so testing. Your reaction is simply what happens to us when we've reached the end of the rope. You were wise enough to walk away when you did. The fact you shouted at him and left him to cry is actually called rupture. As in a rupture in your relationship. It sounds horrible but it's what happens in every normal and healthy relationship. You did the right thing and repaired the rupture by then going back and apologising, the rupturing again and then repairing again. This rupture and repair process is a real thing, look it up it's very interesting. The repair process is the important bit that enables your child to develop a healthy attachment to you. You won't ever be able to never cause a rupture, it's what happens, we are human and that's OK. As long as we repair afterwards. And you've done just that.

Get well soon

Hope you feel better soon. You are a great mum.

This is unacceptable that you should be feeling so ill without medical help or support.

You are doing your very very best.

You did the best thing. You recognised you was overwhelmed, you put him somewhere safe and you walked away until you had calmed down. Well done.

He won't remember, the worst part of all of this is the guilt. The fact you feel guilty, although awful is a good thing as you know you don't normally parent that way.

I hope you start to feel better soon and that DH can give you a break to rest and recover.

Ah OP, I wanted to cry reading your post as it reminded me of the really hard times you can have parenting. I had a bad day today and was a bit shouty at my DC and I am not even ill or facing the challenge you are this week. Please do t give yourself a hard time. It sounds like you did absolutely the right thing by leaving your baby in a safe place and calming down. and and

As an aside my mother constantly constantly ruptured and left me as a child to repair.

No wonder I am a people pleaser

I have just seen you can't get an appointment with the GP. Ring 111 and see out of hours. You need to be seen before it develops and makes you more poorly.

Ahh love you did exactly what you were supposed to do- left your baby in a safe space and took yourself away for a few minutes to calm down and came back and handled it in a better mood.

You set a FANTASTIC example for your child.

Your husband is being selfish, I understand he's self employed etc but you cannot look after a baby in that state. What will he do if you end up in hospital with pneumonia! He'll have to take time off then. Please OP tell DH he needs to take some time off so you can recover. I'd bet my last £10 that he wouldn't attempt to take care of a baby whilst so ill. Also as a PP mentioned, ring 111, a chest infection untreated can turn so quickly into something worse. Good luck

Everybody flips from time to time with their children, it's impossible not to. If you are generally loving and kind and confident then it's fine - and if you apologise afterwards and explain that it's OK to feel angry but it's not OK to shout so mummy shouldn't have done that etc then that also models good self reflection and accountability and conflict resolution for them. That's the one tiny positive I try to think about when consumed with guilt that I've lost it!

When trying to get my severely refluxy, non-sleeping (later diagnosed with ADHD) DS1 to sleep I discovered that if I burst into tears (after 3hrs of not managing to get him to sleep after a full day at work and months of getting up to him multiple times a night) he was so scared he would cry too and then fall asleep (fear? Adrenaline?).

I didn't use this very often as I felt guilty but sometimes rather than holding my emotion in, I let it out and he'd cry then sleep

He's 10 now and has 0 memory of any of this and totally adores me.

You need to see a doctor.
Ring 111 and tell them how ill you are.
I had a chest infection when mine were teens, i could not have coped with a toddler.
You must be absolutely exhausted.

Agree ring 111 and tell them you have a young baby to look after and need to be seen out of hours as you are concerned its not getting better.

NHS is pretty much always good when it comes to situations like this I have found.

I do agree with others saying DH wouldn't be trying to look after small child whilst ill. You have to be reasonably well to care for a child at such a demanding age.

Putting him down in a safe place for a few minutes was absolutely the right thing to do when you were at the end of your tether through illness and stress. He won’t be damaged! Children do occasionally get yelled at in even the happiest of families and it’s hard work with a little one when you’re ill.