DD & me are so different, history repeating...

[itscomplicatedlife]

Me and my mother were so differnt in personality you'd never believe we were mother and daughter. We failed to ever really be close, we were just like chalk and cheese, my mum was a very forthright, argumentative and stubborn person, I am in contrast very calm and flexible and get along with most people and very laid back by nature. I am coming to a realisation and it's really hard to deal with that me and my 2yo daughter are clearly displaying such polar opposite characteristics and bonding is becoming difficult! My mum would have loved her they look the same and act the same but I find her nature quite exhausting. She is very demanding and has been since she was about 5mo, she meltdown easily and won't give in until she gets what she wants, nursery have commented on this also and that she's very clever which worried me, she isn't too kind with our dog I don't know if it's a toddler thing but I don't, I think it's her personality, she has a very unique character but also loves a laugh and in comparison I have a great soh but I'm more dry and quiet with it. The staff find her to be a laugh and very entertaining and i think im realising how different we are, even to my husband we just have atm very different personalities. Has anyone else found this with their children and with their own parents??? I expected so naively that she would be like us both or like one of us but she is showing such a different personality it's taking a lot of getting used to.

She's two years old. It's far too soon to know what her adult personality might be like. Nor is it reasonable to discuss her sense of humour at this age and compare it to an adults!

If she tantrums till you give in... then don't give in! If she isn't kind to the dog then correct her and make it clear that it's unacceptable. Keep the poor dog away if she isn't able to stop it.

Being intelligent is a good thing, I have no idea why you'd be worried about that?

Each child is their own person and will have their own personality. It's really unfair to imagine that she will be like your mother or have a similar personality.

My dad and his brother were also totally different! They looked different and acted differently, suffice to say I got along better with my uncle and realise how similar we are in nature. Uncle loved to eat out, had lots of pets, loved new technology and worked in a busy office role as head of sourcing for a large tech company; my dad was in to antiques, had a really strange and quirky character which I just found weird and was a charge nurse in mental health! They never got along. Their mother adored my uncle and they got on very well but my dad and his mother didn't! Is this common that the gene pool works like this? I just find it so interesting and bizarre and also a bit sad in some ways that each family has mostly had babies that they never really got along or bonded with due to such different personalities.

I think 2 is definitely to young to judge personality - many/most 2 year olds are demanding and melt down easily. And many who do go on to be relaxed easy going people.

It sounds to me like you should be careful that you don't project your feelings about your mum, even subconsciously, onto DD and make her 'being like your mum' a self-fulfilling prophecy, or in the very least create a distance between you because you're worried about your personalities clashing.

You really must push your family history aside and allow your DD to be herself without having the weight of your presumptions and assumptions put onto her. She doesn't know a single thing about your existing family relationships and she isn't responsible for them. Give yourself and her the space to develop your own unique relationship without starting from such a negative starting point.

I think that the fact you are calm and easy going whilst your mother isn't is exactly because you had a mother that wasn't easy going so you developed a quieter temperament to fit in with that. I think 2 year olds are demanding and can be tiring - they are little and can't explain what they want and get frustrated, I think you are making her seem like your mother when she is just a typical 2 year old. How old is your son ?
Your children will usually take after you or DH or be a mix. Mine are like that. But most traits I only noticed when they were much older. You don't know what your DM or husband were like at 2.

@AssassinatedBeauty I agree on her age but I can tell you for certainty some kids by nature are clearly very differnent even from age 2. I never said boo to a goose until I was much older, I was calm, quiet and very introverted and still am, my daughter compared to my friends 2yo are also very different, her daughter is very cheery and chatty and likes to interact, my Daughter isn't as interested in other kids and tends to like to play alone mostly but of course they can and do change but I don't know if they all completly change either based on my own personal experience I haven't changed so much I'm relatively similar to how I was, meaning my obvious nature then is still very similar in ways to how it is now.

Our daughters tantrums aren't on the normal scale, if you experienced one you'd be glad never to again, we don't give in and it is exhausting, trust me our nerves have paid the price, she is intensely stubborn and we have also persistently corrected her with the dog too. I do not tolerate that sort of behavoir at all. And this isn't a huge deal she just prefers to wack him that gently stroke but he is a confident dog and she isn't hitting him she just isn't as calm towards him as I've seen other kids be with their pets or other animals.

When I say intelligent, I will explain more, she knows how to press buttons and how to get her own way, the nursery told us so themselves and she can be a challenge, it isn't anything to do with our parenting skills it is her nature. I have a few friends with similar aged children who are very different and seem in my view just more calmer in nature and easier to manage

I do think that you're projecting a lot and also that she sounds like a typical two year old - not many of them are calm in the way you might describe an adult as calm! I think you have to be really careful about projecting your mum onto her, especially as you so clearly see your own personality as 'better' than hers. You're in danger of making your belief you won't get on a self-fulfilling prophecy.

That said, I do know what you mean about assuming your children would be more similar in personality to you than they are. By all accounts DH and I were both very similar kinds of toddler, including being quite slow physically but quick with speech, so I was surprised that DS was the opposite. My mum often comments on how unlike me as a child he is. But I think that's all you can compare - you at the same age, not you now - and it also doesn't mean anything about how similar you'll be as adults.

@AssassinatedBeauty I appreciate your feedback. It's very hard for me to deal
With and I don't expect anyone to undertand but I had a very difficult relationship with my mother, I didn't have one tbh, I have no memory of being hugged or being taken to the park as a child, I walked myself to school from a very early ages. I always wanted a kind mother, to sit with and read books who didn't lose her temper so easily and asked me how school went, it's bringing up bad memories and I'm just scared to death I think that my daughter will be how she was, her nature seems to be so strong atm and I'm probably totally wrong but please undertand I'm only so worried of having a bad experience all over again but with my own child

She certainly knows how to press your buttons - but you need to read up on childrearing books to know how to deal with challenging behaviour - it is soooo rewarding when you learn to deflect a melt down or tantrum and have a happy laughing child instead of a crying one.
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094/ref=sr_1_4dchild=1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+small+kids+will+listen&qid=1629402392&s=books&sr=1-4?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Book-Wish-Your-Parents-Read/dp/0241251028/ref=pd_bxgy_img_1/262-9585705-9232942?psc=1&pf_rd_p=c7ea61ca-7168-47e3-9c8b-d84748f5b23c&pf_rd_r=9YW8CB2EK9TBD25VFNMJ&pd_rd_wg=zWBam&pd_rd_i=0241251028&pd_rd_w=RayHm&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&pd_rd_r=e6dfc29e-4cd1-462a-97f1-0505dced0c81

@HollyGrail yes totally agree at this age they are very demanding, in some ways I think now was my mother ever taught in some ways how to be more reasonable, like I mean she was the 7th child and she had nothing as money was tight, her dad didn't bother at all with her and although she never spoke of it she spent a lot of time out of the house, her mum became very ill when shr was just time and died when she was 12 at 16 she moved out, I think this greatly affected her massively! She became so negative aboit life and it's so sad that she never trusted anyone and it made her bitter I think but I can never understand why she couldn't find ways to enjoy my company, she was complex and there may be more to this also that I don't know about. I loved her so much but I didn't feel like I knew her but she was always so down and seemed so awkward at times. I think I'm just really worried my daughter will be the same but I know I have to try so hard to help her to be the best positive person she can be and that's all
I can do

My eldest (first born) was the most difficult - but I'm a DGM now and can see that she was the most difficult because she was my first and I had no experience of children so made my mistakes with her.
If you are angry or disappointed I would just paste a smile on and speak patiently to her. Mothers aren't angels they are ordinary people with their own flaws. You can only do your best. These early years fly past - although it doesn't feel like that at the time. Lots of attention and lots of cuddles - that's the best advice I can give.

@HollyGrail thank you for this link I'll take a look, I've been so illl since dd started nursery a yr ago as I work full time I never have time or energy to read anything, but I've had a request to drop some days at work accepted because I need time for things like this to educate myself on this stuff too. My mums nature was very toddler like and maybe this is the issue, I do undertand that they are like this I really do and what's not helped is my friends children being so much calmer in nature I just see her being so different and started to panic!!

Your mother does sound as if she suffered from depression. That must have been very difficult for you to live with. Perhaps you could have some counselling - discussing all this with someone would be a help.

@HollyGrail sorry whats a DGM? 🤦‍♀️

Yes I need to paste my happy face on and remember that this age also doesn't help as it does affect them so much with the terrible twos etc also, it's a big learning curve and I'm so glad I posted this as I just felt so alone with this and confused by it all and I don't want to put a wedge between us. I think I just see so many people seeming to have such clear bonds and I just wanted this so much and to not have this awful worry that we won't get along x x

Oh OP you may have met some apparently calmer toddlers but it is completely normal for 2 year olds to be manic sociopaths who have epic off the scale tantrums! Please please please read the Whole Brain Child, a wonderful book that explains child neural developmemt and how to deal effectively and empathetically with their very challenging behaviour. I really hated the age 2 to 3.5, you have all my sympathies. But your daughter sounds like she will be awesome and I echo precious posters in saying please don't second guess her adult personality based on what she is like age 2! You clearly care about her a lot so your relationship will be fine even if you do end up very different.

My mums nature was very toddler like and maybe this is the issue, I do undertand that they are like this I really do and what's not helped is my friends children being so much calmer

We can definitely be triggered by things from our past but you have to try to put it behind you. Perhaps DD is picking up on your anxiety and that makes her more excitable.
We are all noisy and loud in our family - but I quite like that, most of my DCs friends would have been quieter and probably calmer - I didn't particularly see it as a good thing!!

@HollyGrail Yes she did, she had such a terrible life, I just wish she could have spoken to me about it but it's personal to her and maybe she felt she couldn't, so sad and I miss her a lot too, yes it may help, thank you

DGM - dear grandmother.

You seem very focussed on your mother and your family OP. I think you should get some counselling to talk through it so you don't end up projecting these feelings onto your DD who is her own person. She also sounds lovely. Please don't compare her with others. Given your posts I will tell you that my mother did this and it was very frustrating.

@HollyGrail awww I totally get that, I have my loud moments too I think for me the daily grind doesn't help I find it so blooody boring and it gets me down sometimes and has turned me in to a bit of a mis git too! She's going to have a lot of friends I think when she's older she loves to laugh like mum did occasionally when she let herself

@HollyGrail DGM - thanks 🤦‍♀️🤣

I thought you were going to say she was 16.
She is a toddler you cannot tell what personality she will have. My ds at 2 was very angry and moody, not tantrums really but he just woke up angry and stayed that way all day. He is 17 now and is the most laid back, polite teen you could hope to have. The bit about different sense of humours was confusing, of course a toddler and an adult would have different sense of humour. You seem to be projecting a lot onto her.

@Bobmonkfish Yes maybe your right, it's something I haven't been able to work out myself hence the post looking for advice on this as just want us all to be happy

@mswales Yes 100% it's a lot to get your head around first time, she's my first child so it's a learning curve!! Yes sociopaths is a great description I still find it hard to get that this is normal 😂😵‍💫 some people just adapt to it more easily than others I think clearly but thank you for that ill stick thst book on my list! Thank you!!

@Barwell76 she kind of acts like 2 going on 16 tbh! But yes this ones exactly the same bear with a sore head sometimes all day it's exhausting! Esp when my dad keeps telling me, your were so quiet and calm totally different! I don't know like some people a lot about kids and am still learning all about this. Last thing I want to do is project on to her which I wasn't aware I could end up doing so I do need to watch out for that