DD & me are so different, history repeating...

[itscomplicatedlife]

Me and my mother were so differnt in personality you'd never believe we were mother and daughter. We failed to ever really be close, we were just like chalk and cheese, my mum was a very forthright, argumentative and stubborn person, I am in contrast very calm and flexible and get along with most people and very laid back by nature. I am coming to a realisation and it's really hard to deal with that me and my 2yo daughter are clearly displaying such polar opposite characteristics and bonding is becoming difficult! My mum would have loved her they look the same and act the same but I find her nature quite exhausting. She is very demanding and has been since she was about 5mo, she meltdown easily and won't give in until she gets what she wants, nursery have commented on this also and that she's very clever which worried me, she isn't too kind with our dog I don't know if it's a toddler thing but I don't, I think it's her personality, she has a very unique character but also loves a laugh and in comparison I have a great soh but I'm more dry and quiet with it. The staff find her to be a laugh and very entertaining and i think im realising how different we are, even to my husband we just have atm very different personalities. Has anyone else found this with their children and with their own parents??? I expected so naively that she would be like us both or like one of us but she is showing such a different personality it's taking a lot of getting used to.

She’s 2, mine is about the same age and while its normal to look for commonalities you are being really over the top about this. She’s her own person, you sound like you are projecting instead of appreciating her for who she is. My mum projected a lot on me because I look like my father I must BE like my father. We are NC now.

She’s not you and she’s not your mum.

A glimmer of a lovely side in a two year old feels like a sad thing to hear - two year olds tantrum but that's not a signal of their future personality. Two year olds aren't not lovely because they don't have the same personality as you.

There's nothing wrong with being loud, or being quiet. I have never been laid back, I don't suffer fools gladly, I'm pretty straightforward and I'm not quiet. But I am still a caring person, I want other people to be enjoying their lives. That means I use the skills my parents taught me to be tactful when it's the right thing to do, to listen when others need me to, and to work out when it's better to keep quiet if someone else is wrong.

The way I think of this is in a sort of virtue ethics lite way. No one should be so loud that they never listen to everyone else, and always interrupt. Equally, never daring to speak up, and letting your views be trampled on is also non optimal. We all have different natural traits, and as parents (or anyone else looking after children) our duty is to support them in the traits they have while giving them the tools they need to function well in society - by showing them when to stay quiet if they tend to the loud, or when to speak up if they tend to the quiet. All the while, not making a value judgement over whether a loud or quiet starting place is somehow "better". The same thing applies for almost every other trait.

I have a very strong willed DD. She’s been that way since I was pregnant with her! Admittedly she’s only 3.5 so may change, but I hope she doesn’t because she’ll be a kick ass woman when she’s grown.

If I’m being brutally honest, I’ve found her extremely hard work at times, and like I didn’t ‘get’ her. Strangers have made comments such as she’s a proper little madam, I bet she’s hard work etc. Only one person has said about how great her personality is and that filled me with joy!

One thing I’d suggest is trying to find common ground and shared interests - my DD and I both enjoy shopping, gardening and colouring in together. We go on girls only trips (even just to the supermarket) and we’ll get a juice and chat. I tell her I love her and that she’s strong and brave and all that jazz.

She doesn’t remind me of my mother, she reminds me of the drunk me DH says that we’re very similar which is why we can get locked into a battle of wills (we both like the last word!) but I’m trying to let more of her challenging behaviour go, and over praise the good stuff so I’m more positive with her.

2 year olds are generally just arseholes though. As are 3 year olds

@Gladioli23 I think I wrote my dearest mother had a lovely side and my daughter is showing glimmers of this. I aren't meaning she only shows glimmers of being lovely, I'm saying I see glimmers of bits of my mums loveliness. She's always lovely our daughter shes such a happy smily child, shes developing very well and is beaming all the time, I'm sorry I don't explain my self very well, something I need to work on but I see glimmers of similarities of mums lovelieness which were sadly glimmers and weren't a regular occurrence.

I agree neither loud nor quiet is better than the other; they have unique qualities in varying proportions, I am saying atm she seems a lot louder by nature than myself and how may dad saw myself as a child in comparison but she is a also 2 and still has a lot of developing to do so she may be totally differnt or even not when she get say to her teen years.

Toddlers are loud. Like a pp, ds was a strong willed Toddlers. We thought he'd have a temper. He's growing up to be the kid no one notices in class. Would not have seen that coming.

She’s 2! At 2 dd1 hated me and would hit me randomly and dd2 was randomly biting other children. Now they are teens they are lovely thoughtful fun young women and we all get on extremely well just got back from a lovely evening at cinema with them. Give her a chance!

She is two. It is normal behaviour.

You are projecting. That’s neither fair nor rational.

Get some therapy in order to allow your daughter to be raised as the individual she is and not prejudged and prepackaged as a weird rerun of you and your mum.

@Fountainsoftea it's interesting to hear how much they can change. Our DD hated nursery at first and was so scared to go in, was so hard taking her there but she has become to love it so much and now skips inside with a huge smile on her face, she loves the busyness of the nursery and seeing all kids and the staff are great, she abs loves it now, such a contrast in just a year!

Hi OP, I'm another one coming on to tell you how much toddlers can change!

I have three DC, and the youngest was a real challenge as a toddler. He was very stubborn and determined and he went through a bad phase as a 2yo of hitting other children. It was a big shock to me as both my older two were far more compliant, rarely had tantrums and never hurt another child. I did have thoughts about his difficult personality, and like you I compared him in my mind to tricky family members (in my case my brother) but I agree with what other posters are saying about projecting onto a child so I worked very hard to label the behaviour as difficult, rather than the child, and to keep an open mind about him.

Now my youngest is 11, and I honestly can't believe he's the same child that I found so tricky. He works hard at school, is very loving and people go out of their way to tell me how kind he is (eg the mother of a child with SEN told me how nice he is to her son at school).

Sorry if it's already been mentioned but I recommend The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will be Glad You Did). It has a great section on this sort of thing.

My sister as a child was extremely shy. She was terrified of men and would go through phases of being too scared to go to Brownies etc. My parents were quite concerned at one stage. Her job now is extremely senior and involves liaising professionally with royalty and the wealthiest and most famous and talented people you can think of most of us would quake - she is awesome at it. You would never have foreseen that would be her path when she was 6!

The way I see it, just because you are different personalities, doesn't mean you can't get along. You seem to be saying that if your DD isn't nice and calm and gentle like you, then it won't be possible for you to bond? And it's always girls that are expected to be quiet, malleable and docile.

I also think you need to stop projecting your feelings about your mum onto your DD.

My DD who is now 12 was very much like your DD at that age and was a shockingly difficult child. My DD is fab now, has loads of friends, outgoing, a real go getter. I wish I was more like her!

Also she has your Dh genes in there and is being brought up by you in a society that is very different to the one your mother was raised in so you really need to let this comparison thing go. Has the potential to be really damaging to your relationship.

@THisbackwithavengeance

The way I see it, just because you are different personalities, doesn't mean you can't get along. You seem to be saying that if your DD isn't nice and calm and gentle like you, then it won't be possible for you to bond? And it's always girls that are expected to be quiet, malleable and docile.

I also think you need to stop projecting your feelings about your mum onto your DD.

My DD who is now 12 was very much like your DD at that age and was a shockingly difficult child. My DD is fab now, has loads of friends, outgoing, a real go getter. I wish I was more like her!

This.

I think you need to work through your feelings about the relationship you had with you mum. Because, if anything, that will be what impacts on your relationship with your dd. Not her personality.

Take responsibility and try and heal it.

@Apeirogon Thank you for this, this is the thing sometimes they can just be so differnt to one another, it's great to read this how you're changed so much. I think I was panicking thinking are some of the not so nice bits like the heavy stroking of the dog etc and occ shouting at him when he likes a nosy at her toys just her nature, but of course they've got to learn also what's acceptable and not, some kids are better at some things intially than others I think but I've just got to look at the not so great bits as behaviour like you said and not compare it to the bits that worry me about DM which is what I've been doing without really realising it. Thanks a lot for the book tip too I've popped it on my list x x

@MsTSwift Wow that's amazing! Itd so helpful to read all these comments and so interesting, I've just got to to try not to compare to DM bits that worried me as I abs don't want to go forward doing that I'm not more aware of this x x

My mum was so, so like yours OP and we have a tricky relationship. Don't underestimate what childhood trauma does to a person though.

The way I see it is, even if your daughter somehow magically inherited everything or reincarnation existed - she's going to be a loved, cared for child, not an abandoned frightened thing. They'd be very different people.

You are also actively working at being a good mum - you won't have the same dynamic with her that you did with yours, because you're being thoughtful and caring.

You need to work hard at stopping the "just like my mum" thoughts and if you can, look at the positive side of being like your mum, the glimmers as you call them. Maybe that's hard because you feel like if you acknowledge the positives, you're letting your mum off the hook, but you're not at all. You can think that she was abusive while still loving her.

Your putting your past history onto your child and not seeing her for the unique individual that she is.
I mean this kindly but you might want to look into therapy so you don’t repeat history for your little girls. It’s well know that parents often repeat history with there own children.

I sort of get what you mean op, I used to believe most things were nurture, then I had Dd, then ds, and now I think they come out as fully formed personalities and there's nothing much you can do about it! My Dd is very different to me and I do find her much harder to 'get' than my ds, who is more like me, she also needs much more support. I've really had to up my game. The two book suggestions up the thread are good ones.

Op I’d consider getting some therapy to deal with your relationship with your mother, you’re projecting onto a toddler. And I’d also maybe speak to your gp about pnd as that maybe the bonding issue coupled with your signficant issues with your parent. You need to do this for both your sake and your child’s.

You’re going down a path with her that is nothing to do with her and everything to do with your mental health. Please seek help before any damage is done. 💐

OP you are definitely overthinking this. Your DD sounds exactly like mine at that age, at 4 she is much easier and the tantrums have stopped now that she can express herself better (she takes herself off to her room and shuts the door on us instead now it’s like having a teenager). Im guessing you have little experience of children this age. Your friends children/other kids will always seem better behaved as you see a snapshot of them, and they will show their worst behaviour to their parents, just as your DD does!

I see that her nursery think she can be challenging as well, DDs nursery said the same. She still can be very stubborn and certainly knows her own mind but I see it as raising a strong minded girl is a good thing!

The biggest difference between your DD and DM, is you are your DD's mother. Your DM didn't make the effort to parent you as you needed (or, from the sound of it like any child would have needed), according to your character and that is why you didn't have a good relationship. But it doesn't have to be that way. I was a boisterous, independent child and my mother was quiet and unassuming. However she parented me as I needed to be parented (and my completely different sister as she needed to be parented) and we have a great relationship. If your DM is as you describe the problem was not a difference in personality, it was that she struggled to be an effective, affectionate parent. You don't have to do that no matter how your daughter turns out (and I agree with all the other posters that at 2 she is unlikely to not change). Your job as a parent is to embrace your child no matter her personality, to make her feel loved, wanted, special and valued.

In another parallel my personality is apparently very similar to my DGM, who could be a challenge but also had a sad upbringing. But my mother says how sad it is when she looks at me and sees how well I have turned out, how happy I am that if only DGM had had a happy childhood she could have been a bit more like me.

Sorry, that was a bit garbled, but if you are motivated to have a good relationship with your daughter (which it certainly seems you are) you have all the opportunities to make that happen no matter what her personality ends up as. But again I echo other posters that you might want to talk through with someone the relationship with your mother, as it does seem to have a hold on you.

@itscomplicatedlife I was a shy and compliant child. I could still tantrum like the best of them but I was cautious, not confident mixing etc

My mother had long periods of poor mental health throughout my childhood and into adulthood. She had a personality disorder and her mood dominated the atmosphere in the family home.

I became the way I did because of her and because of the horrible environment I grew up in. My shyness and reluctance to use my voice was a product of trauma.

I work with children now and believe me, I feel far less worried about the confident, demanding toddler than the very quiet and almost withdrawn one who has potentially already learned to fade into the background.

Some children are naturally quieter and more reserved and that's totally ok but others are made that way because they learn their voice, their opinions etc aren't important and don't need to be heard.

I agree with others that your childhood might have affected you more than you realise and it might help to talk to someone about it.