DD & me are so different, history repeating...

[itscomplicatedlife]

Me and my mother were so differnt in personality you'd never believe we were mother and daughter. We failed to ever really be close, we were just like chalk and cheese, my mum was a very forthright, argumentative and stubborn person, I am in contrast very calm and flexible and get along with most people and very laid back by nature. I am coming to a realisation and it's really hard to deal with that me and my 2yo daughter are clearly displaying such polar opposite characteristics and bonding is becoming difficult! My mum would have loved her they look the same and act the same but I find her nature quite exhausting. She is very demanding and has been since she was about 5mo, she meltdown easily and won't give in until she gets what she wants, nursery have commented on this also and that she's very clever which worried me, she isn't too kind with our dog I don't know if it's a toddler thing but I don't, I think it's her personality, she has a very unique character but also loves a laugh and in comparison I have a great soh but I'm more dry and quiet with it. The staff find her to be a laugh and very entertaining and i think im realising how different we are, even to my husband we just have atm very different personalities. Has anyone else found this with their children and with their own parents??? I expected so naively that she would be like us both or like one of us but she is showing such a different personality it's taking a lot of getting used to.

@Bobmonkfish

You seem very focussed on your mother and your family OP. I think you should get some counselling to talk through it so you don't end up projecting these feelings onto your DD who is her own person. She also sounds lovely. Please don't compare her with others. Given your posts I will tell you that my mother did this and it was very frustrating.

Came on to say exactly this.

My mother did the same - her mother was demanding and hard work, my mum was almost the other extreme... But even though she was generally generally a wonderful mum, whenever I was was a bit of a standard selfish teenager or even when I just wanted to put my own needs ahead of my brother's, for example, I'd hear how 'sometimes, just sometimes, you remind me of my mother', or she'd imitate a face I'd subconsciously make and tell me how I looked just like x and it wasn't a flattering expression.

It is really damaging to be frequently compared to someone that your mother doesn't have a good relationship with, and even worse when there truly is a genetic resemblance, one that you can't wash out or get rid of.

Toddlers have their own energy and their personality at age 15 or even 5 will have some similarities but not likely the ones you think. Some of what you're saying is worrying to me, as it really sounds like you don't like her much, even if you love her, you shouldn't need to be like a child to bond with them.

Please do go get counselling, it would have helped my mum and us all, and your dd needs a mum who can see the great benefits she bring by being who she is.

Thank you for the replies,
I'm showing my own complete lack of understanding of small children and have a lot to learn still but this has been so reassuring to read that a lot of this I can do something about and that they do still have a lot of growing and developing still yet to do.

[quote itscomplicatedlife]@Barwell76 she kind of acts like 2 going on 16 tbh! But yes this ones exactly the same bear with a sore head sometimes all day it's exhausting! Esp when my dad keeps telling me, your were so quiet and calm totally different! I don't know like some people a lot about kids and am still learning all about this. Last thing I want to do is project on to her which I wasn't aware I could end up doing so I do need to watch out for that [/quote]
You don't need to 'watch out for it', you're already doing it, massively.

Counselling really does help, or if that is out of the budget or out of the question, many local councils and things offer access to some online parenting courses that also help you think through the impact of your own childhood. The Incredible Years is a really good book too.

I think you’re overthinking this. All 2 year olds are demanding & most can tantrum for Great Britain

I'm showing my own complete lack of understanding of small children and have a lot to learn

This is the case for most people when they have their first child - unless they are nursery teachers or similar. Don't worry. Reading up will help with ways to get them on your side.

this has been so reassuring to read that a lot of this I can do something about and that they do still have a lot of growing and developing still yet to do.

This phrasing troubled me slightly - I mean, surely you knew that she wasn't done developing at two (!), but also the idea that you can 'do something about' what you see as her undesirable personality. You can work on issues like tantrums, though some children are more prone to them than others, but she isn't a problem to fix just because you think she isn't enough like you; please don't try and 'do something about' that, you'll do a lot of damage if you do.

You really need to snap out of the past and stop projecting all this family mythology onto your little girl. She’s two. We’re ALL different.

@OverTheRubicon I don't tell her she reminds me of the bad parts of mine and my mothers relationship it's something I've only just be come noticing i haven't said anything to her that would upset her or make her feel frustrated about, i undertand where you're coming from but we aren't that far down the road at all, I don't want to be like that at all either and I do like my daughter a lot! She's got a lot of very unique characteristics which i didn't have and wish I did which are very positive, atm I just want to work on this bit im not so sure on.

I'm still learning and finding my way and my own not so great childhood is all I have to compare to which I don't want repeating, I'm trying to move to a positive place for us all.

@Spysolation wowww ok I get you but that's a bit of a harsh response 'snap out of it' sometimes people don't just snap out of 20 years of living at home with the experiences they had because as you've said we are all differnt!

Sounds like a pretty std 2 yr old tbh

@Spysolation and it isn't mythological either it was how it was! Very much a fact of life, no myths

Different can be good. Dd is v different to me and I find it fascinating. Ds definitely has a lot of my traits and I find him harder to deal with, cos I project from my own experiences. But in aware of it, so I step back. I want to stop him falling into the traps I did- but then, he's half dh.

I wonder why you’ve been raised to believe that people with very different personalities don’t often get along ? Ime opposites attract. Certainly it’s not always the child you’re most like that you have the closest relationship with.

And don't forget, your mum was fully formed when you met her. Your daughter is still developing.

@Hardbackwriter Seriously, yes of course I'm aware of that! Your. Interpreted what I've said in to your own meaning, when I say something I can do something about - I mean how I'm feeling and thinking aboit all this, that I'm clearly
off the mark that I have a lot to learn still!

@Spysolation I haven't been raised like that, I was raised only knowing how differnt me and my mother were, that's all I knew, maybe it does affect how you view things, doesn't mean I'm right just means I'm unsure hence my post I'm trying to figure it out. I am not the type of person to ever change someone, I dont care what anyone in the world even my child chooses to do or be, you've misunderstood me, it's quite hard to talk about as I think a lot of people think I'm projecting on to her and I aren't at all. Ive just seen this difference in our demaneor and character but also having the toddler age thrown in to the mix makes it extra hard to see I think where it all heading. I think it's a case of don't worry, Enjoy the bits you can and try to put the bad bits behind you

Stop comparing her to someone else

Stop looking for "family traits" that may or may not be there

She is a person in her own right

Accept and love her for who she is, not a random (to her) relative

@Fountainsoftea totally yes, she's a breath of fresh air in this household, me andDP realise how boring we were getting and she's shaken it all right up and made it so much better! My only concerns are I see this face that looks like my own mother daily and it brings back worries of things I forgot about for years and I think I'm just working through that abs want to understand it soon as I can

She's 2. 2 year olds are by definition a pain in the arse.

You're projecting your issues into her before they're an issue. If you carry on that thought process you will damage your relationship with her, nit because of her personality but because of your relationship with your mother.

@HollyGrail exactly, still learning etc x

I could have written a lot of this, except my DD is a couple of years older. I keep saying it feels like she's the reincarnation of my mum! My mum too was stubborn, opinionated and forthright, the exact opposite of me.

I do keep wondering how much is me projecting, but I imagine my mum was exactly the same as DD as a child...

Your DM became the person she was because of an unhappy and unloving childhood. Just because your DD reminds you of her there is no reason at all that she will be like her, your DD has a happy life and loving family. Her life is totally different.

Why would your child be like your mother, my DCs are like me, their DF and, if anyone else, our siblings. I wouldn't say any of my children are like their grandparents.

@HollyGrail She had a lovely side also DM, our daughter has shown glimmer of this, I hope so much to see more of that and hope DM if she is out there somewhere can look down with such happiness to see her GD so happy and having a wonderful childhood it would make her so happy

@HollyGrail She just has very similar characteristics to my mum it's hard to explain but very similar, more so atm than either of us but of course that may change as she gets older