My daily routine - your opinion please

[Parsley91]

Sometimes I feel like being a stay at home mum isn’t for me, but maybe I am just doing things wrong during the day?

Kids are 6, 3, and 2 months and this is how my day goes.

I wake them up and have to keep 6yo and 3yo separated as they will start carrying on and wake up DH who works till 2am and needs his sleep, or end up hurting each other as they get more and more silly (DS1 can be very mean to DS2 when he thinks I am not watching). We usually manage a morning walk (at least 1 hour) and come back and do some crafts or colouring in, then I can usually trust them to play or watch TV while I make lunch (DS 3 sits in his bouncer compliantly (for now) whenever I am not feeding him). I present lunch to them, my cooking is heavily criticised, and spend up to two hours either yelling at them to eat and end up feeding them both with a spoon while breastfeeding DS3. In general the afternoon is a slump where I breastfeed, attempt chores and eventually retreat back to the sofa and CBeebies. After that, I endure more criticism for my cooking, end up hand feeding the two of them again and then bath them one by one (they carry on if I bath them together). After that it’s brush teeth, story and bed at 7/7:30. These days DS1 refuses to settle until 9, we are working on this tho. I have to put DS2 to bed in my room as otherwise, again, they will carry on in the bedroom. I carry him back through to his own bed later.

Most days I am able to teach them little things as the day goes on (this is how we cross the road safely, this is how to brush your own teeth, this is how we dust the skirtings etc etc) but a maybe once a week I just plough through the day in silence. About twice a week the routine goes out the window and we spend five or six hours out of the house on a long walk through parks/town etc or day out of some kind visiting granny, play date, soft play etc.

Is this a normal routine for a stay at home mum? Hubby is at work most of the time. When he is at home he (ideally) plays with the kids in between doing stuff around the house while I have one of the days where I slump on the sofa not doing much - I rarely act like that when it’s just me and the kids, when it’s just us I tend to do more.

I feel like I am doing a bad job as we always retreat back to the living room and the sofa in front of the tv. Our house is tiny so that’s really the only place to go but I constantly feel awful having them watch that much tv. Do you think they have enough time outdoors? Bearing in mind they have at least an hour out on a walk each day and there’s the couple of days we are out walking all day?

Notes for clarity: My kids attend about 2 groups / activities during the week usually but not at the moment as they still aren’t back after lockdown quite yet. There is no school or nursery as we home educate. My 6yo gets a little formal sit down learning after the ‘arts and crafts’ slot before lunchtime I mentioned above. The rest of the time we learn through play while out on our walks (identifying bugs, or reciting times tables while walking through park for instance as very small examples. I’m not asking for judgement on the education part of our routine, I’m just mentioning this as explanation as to why nursery and school aren’t mentioned here.

I also want to clarify that they generally meet with kids to play several times a week (park, library, soft play, groups, neighbours or at friends house for instance) as I’ve made it sound like it’s always just us and no social life!

If I’m being totally honest, it sounds really boring, especially for the 6 year old.

How can you go a day a week in silence yet home schooling?

Sounds about right for my family tbh.

Sounds similar to us, although my kids are younger (2.5 and 10 months).

I do think you need to be doing more structured learning activities with your 6 year old if they're not in school though!

Afternoon on the sofa is ok.

It does sound boring for the 6yr old. Is there any independent play, mental challenge, physical challenge?

I wonder if there is a struggle with sleep as they aren't tired enough?

I'd cut down the nonsense about criticising your cooking. If they whinge they whinge. If they don't want it, they don't eat. Don't be bossed about. There is no need to spoon feed, just leave them to their nonsense, they'll soon learn when you stop engaging.

And cut down on all that cooking. Lunch can be a 'picnic plate' or sandwiches, toasties, boiled eggs. Keep it simple.

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job. I'm currently on mat leave and have a 3 year old and almost 4 month old - it's bloody hard work!!

This isn't a criticism because with 2 young children and a newborn you're up against it! I only have 2 kids (4- DD and 2 - DS) but I couldn't spend that much time at home, or definitely not indoors.

I'm not naturally creative and find arts and crafts incredibly tedious and messy for what little enjoyment they seem to get out of it, so I try to spend the mornings out (either play dates, park, walk, feeding ducks, soft play etc etc). I usually take a packed lunch which they eat whilst we're out or in the car coming home if it's a longer journey. The 2 year old still naps for approx an hour in the afternoon so my 4 year old does some drawing, watches tv, paddling pool/sand pit play/anything outside. Once DS is awake we will either go for a short walk, kick a ball around the garden, chase bubbles etc.

If your DP is working until 2am when does he start work / wake up? Can he support with at least one meal time? What you're doing is really, really tough and you must be exhausted. Hang in there!

I also suspect your 6 year old isn't stimulated enough and could be bored. It also sounds a bit claustrophobic - I'm not surprised the older two get on each others nerves.

Do they socialise with other children at all?

Why are you home educating? It doesn't sound like you enjoy it or like your 6yo is getting much benefit from it.

What discipline/consequences are there for your eldest terrorising your middle child? You seem to spend a lot of time and effort separating them but is that actually addressing the issue and teaching your eldest the appropriate behaviours he needs to show?

Food- you say you spend ages cooking lunch then hours getting them to eat it while they criticise, I wouldn't put up with that at all. Sometimes DD goes through picky stages where she doesn't want to eat, I make food, I try to take into consideration her likes and dislikes and give her food she will enjoy, but sometimes it's a bit of a mix of something she likes and a new veg or side dish. She then is given the food and either eats it or doesn't, no begging or pleading or cajoling her to eat it. If she ends up hungry then she'll survive till snack time.

It does sound boring especially for the older children. Not criticising you but it’s hard to entertain and homeschool a 6 year old and you also have a baby. It sounds like he needs a lot more structured learning, sports, social play. Do you follow any sort of curriculum?
Wouldn’t cook lunch, as others have said picnic is fine or sandwiches/finger food.
Do you take kids to the library/park/sports/football2brownies etc? Are you their only stimulation the whole week?

Sounds awful to be honest. Where is the education? Why don’t you use nursery/school? Nothing wrong with a bit of chill time, but every afternoon? No wonder the older kids are at each other’s throats!

I think the balance generally sounds fine, taking your later posts into consideration, but maybe the 6yo needs more mental stiumulation? How's his reading? My nearly 6yo gets a lot of joy from fact books and obviously he can follow his own interests that way.

We have a similar gap as your older two and one thing we do come down hard on is any physical intimidation of the older to the younger one, and say how would he like it if a bigger kid did xyz. Does your DS1 socialise with children older than him?

You need to teach your children that it’s rude to criticise someone else’s cooking. At 3 and 6 they should be feeding themselves. 2 hours is way too long for lunch, no wonder they are arguing. Make lunch 30 min max.

Your older children need to spend more time with peers especially as they don’t get on.

It’s difficult with a new born - what was your schedule like before? Are you in home Ed group? There is a home Ed group on MN and it might be better to ask on there.

Having a 2 month old makes it all incredibly hard work. It is the summer holidays, so I wouldnt expect you to be pushing formal education. I have no idea how you can home educate with a tiny baby, however, after my lockdown home schooling experience with a one year old and an 8 year old!

Every SAHP I know relies on TV to some extent. Maybe you could swap out some of the screen time for Cosmic Yoga, or learn a dance routine and a song? They need about 3 or 4 hours of physical movement a day, so this could kill two birds with one stone.

I do think walking is a chore for many kids. You could make the walks into a scavenger hunt or nature observation trail really easily. Do they ride bikes and scooters? Do you have a garden, they could learn to grow things or make an obstacle course, or set up a picnic?

At home I used to fall back a lot on hide and seek, board games, silly games like Simon says or Kim's game, stickers, legos, cars, playing kitchens or shops,.crayons, reading, den-building, baking, decorating biscuits, learning to chop vegetables with a child-care knife etc; of that list only Board games really someone to referee, the rest can be quite cooperative and might help your kids bond.

It is a shame that it sounds like your kids are at loggerheads quite a lot. Maybe some activities could be planned helping them work together.

My first thought was why are you waking them up? Mine are 7 and 10 and I can count on one hand the number of times I've had to wake them ( usually for flights). You seem to get them out, do stuff with them, good bedtime routine. You're doing a good job. Mealtimes seem like a battle of wills. Can you try making them less stressful. Maybe make the atmosphere relaxing and fun, give them food but if they don't eat then remain relaxed, put the food away, move on. If they're hungry later present it again but don't push it. They won't starve. Try not to take it personally. It's annoying when you cook a meal with love and it's rejected but they're kids. It's tough op. Ease up on yourself, you're doing much better than you think.

Also, sorry but spoon feeding them, especially the older one, does suggest there might be some other areas where they could be a little more independent.

OP I have pretty much the same age differences (also 3 boys) and home ed too. Mine are older now(eldest is 10) but that stage is full on particularly at the moment with so many groups still not up and running again.
I agree with others that it sounds like the eldest needs some more stimulation, he is likely acting up because he is bored. A daily walk is lovely but dc need to more of a variety in physical activity, can you vary it a bit by going to different woods/parks/soft play/swimming(when DH is with you). Go to museums and galleries, most are free to visit. Walk to the library for books each week. Variety really helps and will stimulate their mind and bodies. Also could your eldest do some kind of group, maybe a sport or beavers?

It sounds a bit stressful (and maybe monotonous for the 6 year old) to me.
The meal times need sorting. Reward charts etc. It must drive you insane going through that every day.

And as for the food, I would not be spoon feeding them! Put some food down, give them a reasonable chance to eat it(say 20-30minutes) don’t make a fuss, if they don’t eat it then take it away again. Don’t get into arguments or spoon feeding them.
Also get them to cook with you, use it as part of their education.

Also, is there a reason you wake them up? What time would they wake if you didn’t?

Oh and.another point, I don’t wake my dc up unless we need to be somewhere.

@User5827372728 I guess I was exaggerating it’s not silence more just casual talking rather than putting learning and effort into our dialogue - I’m a bit worn out at those times so it’s just regular mum those days not home ed mum.

@welshweasel @Ihaveoflate @AdriannaP
Please see above for my extra posts about socialising - they play with other kids all the time so I didn’t think to make a point of saying it. When taking into account their groups which are about to restart (home ed group and gymnastics are weekly as well as a few less frequent groups) there’s at least four days a week usually when we are out 6+ hours a day and I don’t drive so that means we walk everywhere.

@AllAroundTheWorldYeah I don’t want to go into detail about the home ed side as everyone always gets sidetracked by that but trust me he’s doing fine as far as that goes plenty of learning going on at the level appropriate to his age , I’m following a curriculum and he’s ahead for his age tbh

@happydays00 thanks, only indoors so much due to new baby and lack of driving licence but hoping to improve on that point

Do you attend any homeschooling groups? You (and your oldest 2 children) might find that helpful and other mums in those groups (most of whom will have been where you are) might be able to suggest things to help.

I have not been where you are as I have one baby DD at the moment (though I do have a lot of personal experience of homeschooling), but I have some suggestions...

What happens if, after you've offered lunch and given them a reasonable amount of time to eat it, you just say, "Ok, lunch is over now, let's clear up," and don't spend loads of time trying to cajole them into eating it. Same with dinner. If they complain of being hungry later, offer them something basic (not something they'd prefer to lunch though, that's a mug's game).

You're going to have to sort out the relationship between your two oldest if you want to homeschool. Homeschooled children spend much more time than average with their siblings. I happen to think that's a nice thing, but it means it's even more important that they're not at each other's throats.

Unless you're unschooling, I would also say that your DS1 could possibly do with a bit more time doing schoolwork, and you could do a little (numbers, letters, writing patterns in preparation for writing, etc) with your DS2. This might help give your day a bit more structure.

Do you have a garden - could your children play out there on nice afternoons while you sit and feed the little one in garden chair?

Could you spend a bit of time in the afternoons reading to them? (Could maybe link this with something the older one is doing educationally.) Let them play with something or colour while you do it.

I wouldn't want to be separating the children like you are. There needs to be consequences for your DS1 when he treats DS2 badly.

DS1 is probably not sleeping and terrorising his brother because he's not tired enough.

I know it's difficult with three children but do you think you could try some full days out? Go out to a big park for the day with a picnic? Try and find some kids activities that you can spend the day doing?

I think you need to get out more. I would feel really claustrophobic in a living room for hours every day with three children. I think your DS1 is probably feeling like this.

Assuming no special needs I don't understand why you are spoon feeding a 6 year old? I'm aware you're choosing to home educate but knowing how a NT 6 year old is expected to behave in a school environment I think you need to expect better: not only with feeding but in particular with behaviour towards a younger sibling.