My daily routine - your opinion please

[Parsley91]

Sometimes I feel like being a stay at home mum isn’t for me, but maybe I am just doing things wrong during the day?

Kids are 6, 3, and 2 months and this is how my day goes.

I wake them up and have to keep 6yo and 3yo separated as they will start carrying on and wake up DH who works till 2am and needs his sleep, or end up hurting each other as they get more and more silly (DS1 can be very mean to DS2 when he thinks I am not watching). We usually manage a morning walk (at least 1 hour) and come back and do some crafts or colouring in, then I can usually trust them to play or watch TV while I make lunch (DS 3 sits in his bouncer compliantly (for now) whenever I am not feeding him). I present lunch to them, my cooking is heavily criticised, and spend up to two hours either yelling at them to eat and end up feeding them both with a spoon while breastfeeding DS3. In general the afternoon is a slump where I breastfeed, attempt chores and eventually retreat back to the sofa and CBeebies. After that, I endure more criticism for my cooking, end up hand feeding the two of them again and then bath them one by one (they carry on if I bath them together). After that it’s brush teeth, story and bed at 7/7:30. These days DS1 refuses to settle until 9, we are working on this tho. I have to put DS2 to bed in my room as otherwise, again, they will carry on in the bedroom. I carry him back through to his own bed later.

Most days I am able to teach them little things as the day goes on (this is how we cross the road safely, this is how to brush your own teeth, this is how we dust the skirtings etc etc) but a maybe once a week I just plough through the day in silence. About twice a week the routine goes out the window and we spend five or six hours out of the house on a long walk through parks/town etc or day out of some kind visiting granny, play date, soft play etc.

Is this a normal routine for a stay at home mum? Hubby is at work most of the time. When he is at home he (ideally) plays with the kids in between doing stuff around the house while I have one of the days where I slump on the sofa not doing much - I rarely act like that when it’s just me and the kids, when it’s just us I tend to do more.

I feel like I am doing a bad job as we always retreat back to the living room and the sofa in front of the tv. Our house is tiny so that’s really the only place to go but I constantly feel awful having them watch that much tv. Do you think they have enough time outdoors? Bearing in mind they have at least an hour out on a walk each day and there’s the couple of days we are out walking all day?

Notes for clarity: My kids attend about 2 groups / activities during the week usually but not at the moment as they still aren’t back after lockdown quite yet. There is no school or nursery as we home educate. My 6yo gets a little formal sit down learning after the ‘arts and crafts’ slot before lunchtime I mentioned above. The rest of the time we learn through play while out on our walks (identifying bugs, or reciting times tables while walking through park for instance as very small examples. I’m not asking for judgement on the education part of our routine, I’m just mentioning this as explanation as to why nursery and school aren’t mentioned here.

I think you're doing great. 3 kids isn't easy. I would say though. I mean this kindly. But your 6 year old is probably really bored and has monotony in his life. He probably needs more time outdoors. Can he ride a bike?, as they get older it is more challenging to keep them entertained.. You're reverting to TV because its the easiest thing to do. We all do it... I think maybe incorporate some more outdoor activities for your 6 year old and maybe have a day centered around him.. He probably feels he's been pushed to the back and has to accommodate with the routines of the younger ones..
You're doing great, I wise person told me once that you just need to do what you can to get through to the end of the day xx

yes re reading your post you defo need some changes - can their granny come to you? take the eldest two to to the park? or make a playdate plan with your home ed friends to meet up at the park etc if no formal activites/forest schools in your area?
Can you write out a stronger routine that you would like to see happen and make it happen - can DH do a park run a few times a week etc?
id want to give the 6 year old older tv too - CBBC for example, does he have a kindle/tablet or something he uses for reading eggs/ maddy etc so they can watch different things?
I think its really positive youve noticed things are too tough, now you can think round ways to make things better. So hard homeschooling with a preschooler and a baby!

My piece of advice is to go out in the mid afternoon slump. Even just for a scoot round the block. Helps wear them out before bed.

When you're out 6+hours what are you doing? 6 hours of walking isn't really that fun.

My thoughts on your first post:

• why on earth are you waking your kids up? What time are they going to sleep that they need to be woken up? The 3yo and 6yo should be doing a solid 8-8am in the summer holidays

• stop spoon feeding. If they’re messing about, they’re not hungry. Put food on table, give them 30 mins, take food away. Mid morning snack (fruit) and mid afternoon snack (cup of milk, yoghurt) only. Do that for three days. They’ll get into proper mealtimes

• your 6yo needs friends his own age, your 3yo needs friends his own age

• your 6yo might benefit from team sports. May he why he messes about at bedtime. He’s not tired enough

From your subsequent posts:

• there’s more to education than the curriculum, as you know and are already aware of. It’s great the two older ones play with other children every day. They need more than just play. They need to learn with other children, learn from each other’s mistakes, have stuff in common

• how has you 3yo been able to make friends his own age given half his life has been spent in lockdown or socially distanced? All children his age have struggled this past 18 months

Overall, your days sound like normal-ish days for a SAHM. You’re not failing them, but you can’t be everything to three other people, especially when you have a 2mo baby. Your older two need more than just you and THAT is why you feel like you’re not doing enough. It’s totally understandable.

Some really helpful comments, some less so - I KNEW people would focus on the home ed if I mentioned it but I didn’t want to leave it out or people would maybe write about ‘ once they are at school after the summer...’

I’m not going to get into home educating any more as I’m not looking for advice there, and rest assured they have friends their own age - none of these are an issue and people we know always comment positively about home ed as well as health visitor and my midwife and people who before hand said it was a terrible idea. This post was meant to be about routine not education.

Really appreciate the replies though and now that I’m getting to grips with living with a new baby I can start to implement changes, many which will be some you guys have suggested, which incidentally I had already realised but needed second opinions on. The main reason I am in such a mess is I have swapped from working 60 hours a week and coping with the pandemic at work like we all have (hubby used to be stay at home parent) to being on mat leave while he works. Thanks again for the replies, I’m bowing out now

@BeenThruMoreThanALilBit
3yo is friends with neighbours and younger siblings of 6yo’s friends and also once he gets back to home ed groups the babies he used to play with will obviously still be his own age

I wake them up at 7 but tbh they are usually already up and playing

But the home educating plays the biggest part in all of this.

But the home Ed impacts on the (lack of) routine.

Actually it would be fine if they were going to school/nursery in September. But they aren't. So you need a routine that works for all children. It's good you've realised this. One concern is the flitting between parents for home Ed, what happens after mat leave? Also most groups are back on now. Holidays don't affect home Ed kids.

Do they ever socialise in groups of more than 5/6 kids?

I'm in a similar situation but without the newborn!
I have a home ed 7 year old and a 3 year old.
Our normal routine is:
DC get up about 7/7.30am and have breakfast
2 days a week the 3 year old goes to preschool 9-3
7 year old does about an hour of maths/writing/drawing in the morning
We usually go out to the park or woods, library, local museum in the morning.
1 day a week my DH works from home and the 7 year old does his work with him while I take the 3 year old to toddler group, 1 morning a week 7 year old goes to grandad's house and I take the 3 year old to swimming and a music class
1 morning a week we go to a home ed meetup
Lunch is something simple.
After lunch we have an hour of quiet time and reading
In the afternoons we do art, crafts, baking and see friends. Sometimes watch something educational.
7 year old has a swimming lesson and tennis club and does Cubs during the week (evenings and weekends)
We usually have a snack around 3pm and after that they are allowed screen based entertainment until tea time.
Tidy up, 3 year old has bath and bed around 7-7.30pm, 7 year old around 8-8.30pm.

The way I see it is that you are questioning your routine but it’s school and nursery that go a long way to creating that structure and routine. You have a small baby so that must need some priority at this time but overall if you’re homeschooling you need a hell of a lot more structure and routine in your day to make that work. Incidental chats about bugs isn’t going to cut it for a 6 year old. He’s probably bored out of his mind.

I don't see much about your middle child here - would you consider nursery for them? Just because it didn't work with your eldest doesn't mean it wouldn't suit them. You'd get more time with your 6yo to do homeschooling and time with your baby. My 3.5yo would be a nightmare if that was his daily schedule.

[quote Parsley91]@AdriannaP it sounds like that (home ed doesn’t work for us) because this is a post about me not liking my daily routine so I haven’t posted anything to do with home ed, so you are kinda assuming that the bad stuff is linked to home ed, perhaps through how I have phrased things. Eldest has ADHD so I should have mentioned that his behaviour is linked to it. A few people have commented on the home ed stuff so I might as well go into it I guess as there are misconceptions about what it should look like and it’s not what many people think ... We know lots of families personally with small babies and older kids who home ed, some have more than five kids, I think one has 8 and they can also educate just fine. We love home ed, I enjoy teaching and my son hated nursery tbh and his behaviour and anxiety was worse. We have friends of all ages who, except for during pandemic and now when things haven’t started back up, the kids played with regularly. I socialised with the other parents. My six year old can read and write, I would estimate he is at least a year ahead of his peers and definitely two years ahead in maths. Not boasting just need to mention as people don’t understand that with home ed you don’t need to spend hours at a desk each day because there is greater connection and understanding when it is one on one. We spend twenty minutes a day max sitting down with pencils and paper and have achieved this level - as I say we learn mostly through play.[/quote]
I am not bashing homeschooling as clearly it works for some families and children. I am questioning if it works for your children, from your description they seem bored, frustrated, can’t eat independently and don’t have enough stimulation. I would argue that external stimulation and rules could benefit them AND give you a break and rest and time to bond and BF baby.

School is not just for academic achievements and great to hear your DS is academically so advanced. But sounds like he could do with developing his social and emotional skills furthet too and make friends, play group sports. I have a DC of that age and the behaviour you describe is not on track with his age. If this is related to his ADD apologies, but maybe you could get some external support.

What you are trying to do OP sounds super tough especially with nearly no external support. Please consider at least giving yourself a break and sending middle son to nursery a few days a week. Is it a nice environment for him at home with older child bullying him?

Apologies mistyped. Meant ADHD.

I think you're right that people are misunderstanding how home ed looks and want to put everything down to that. You'll get better advice on a home ed board. The one here on Mumsnet is reasonably good but doesn't have much traffic; do you use Facebook? Lots of good home ed FB groups.

Over the years I've seen many many posts on home ed boards from people who are finding family life tough with a new baby. It's hard to get out as much as the big kids need. (Of course, if your kids were at nursery/school you would also be finding family life tough with a young baby, just in a different way. You'd be hauling baby out of the house at fixed times to do the school run regardless of nappy disasters, cluster feeding or naps. You'd have to chivvy the eldest to do homework and get to bed early so he can get up in time for school. You'd have tired kids at the end of the day who haven't had enough cuddles and individual attention and are competing for your time, just when the baby is also overtired.) So some of the challenges are different when you home ed, and it might be better to get advice from people who have been in your shoes. Also different solutions are possible when you home ed; for example you might actually want your kids to stay up later in the evening so they sleep later and you don't have to keep them quiet in the morning.

Can you afford to pay another home ed parent to take the big ones out to home ed activities sometimes? Many HE parents are eager to make some extra money and might be glad of that opportunity. If the other parent has a car, the kids could go to things which are normally hard for you to reach without a car, and you could have a bit of peace.

It gets better. Do what you need to do to get through this time.

Totally random and not related to your routine question but on the children’s relationship/fighting. So apologies but I’ve not read all the comments.

Have you read Dr Laura Markham’s “Calm Parents, Happy Siblings”? I found this book life changing. I have a 5.5 and 2.5yo so similar ages to your two eldest. They are close but of course siblings do fight. The book has loads of really practical advice and scripts to follow to teach them problem solving skills and to creatively resolve their conflicts - rather than you as the parent aggressively policing them, you teach them how to reach consensus on issues. You have to coach a lot to start but I’m already starting to see my little 2.5yo use some of the language herself eg assertively tell her brother “I feel sad. It’s still my turn” if he’s taken a toy and quite often he will say “oh sorry, here you go” and give it back! As opposed to a few months ago when they’d start pushing each other and screaming. Don’t get me wrong many times I do still need to come alongside them and remind them of how to communicate their needs and feelings assertively rather than aggressively and I will remind them of our family rules which again we are usually making collaboratively.

So an example is they kept fighting over who gets to switch the TV off in the evening (we limit TV so they usually just get to watch it once a day so only one of them could do it). And I was veering between shouting at them to stop shouting(!), telling the big one just to let his sister do it, telling them they would never get to watch TV again etc 🤣

Eventually I applied techniques from the book and told them at a calm moment that we need to try problem solving this situation cos it happens every time. My 5.5yo got really into offering different solutions (“we each do it for a full week then swap!”) and my daughter offered “me do it every time” 🤣 which we solemnly wrote down on the list. Then we went through and vetoed any that we didn’t all like which left alternating each time. I asked how they would remember whose turn it was and my 5.5yo said “let’s write our names on some paper and stick it next to the TV so we know” so I made a card with his name and picture on one side and hers on the other, blutacked it on the wall and now they tell themselves whose turn it is to switch off the TV and I don’t need to get involved.

My point is not that this solution is replicable but that the fact the kids came up with and own the solution themselves rather than me doing it has been so much better than me shouting at them to just get on. Who’d have thought?! 😆

The book also has a very good section at the end on specifically dealing with a newborn in the house - remember your kids may be acting up and fighting because of not getting enough one on one with you which is normal with a little baby of course. Rather than it necessarily being the routine being wrong.

I am a SAHM with an 8 and 5 year old so same age gap as your 2 eldest.
Thinking back to our routine 2 years ago, I never woke them up as they'd wake themselves usually around 6am. We would go downstairs and I'd put the TV on for an hour while I dozed on the sofa for a bit. Breakfast, get dressed by about 9. Get some toys out, favourites are lego, playmobil, playdoh. All stuff they will play with independently. I focus on setting up then retreating. So I'll build a train track together then leave them to play while I do jobs.
I take mine out a lot, you don't mention if you can drive but it really helps if you can get to a soft play, parks, beach, national trust. Aim to be out for 3 hours then when you get home put the TV on and have a rest before sorting dinner.
Have a look at 5 minute mum. It's all about setting up activities letting them have a go and following their interests. Don't put pressure on yourself to be playing with them constantly.
I also think you have a very young baby so a few months of extra TV or ipads is a given, back in the 80s my mum would have put videos on for us. In the 50s or 60s we'd have been shoved out the door to play out in the street! Expectations on mothers have never been so ridiculously high as now.
I think you need 1 hour to yourself every day, if you have this you will be more refreshed and enthusiastic about parenting. It doesn't sound like you get a lot of pleasure out of it right now.