My daily routine - your opinion please

[Parsley91]

Sometimes I feel like being a stay at home mum isn’t for me, but maybe I am just doing things wrong during the day?

Kids are 6, 3, and 2 months and this is how my day goes.

I wake them up and have to keep 6yo and 3yo separated as they will start carrying on and wake up DH who works till 2am and needs his sleep, or end up hurting each other as they get more and more silly (DS1 can be very mean to DS2 when he thinks I am not watching). We usually manage a morning walk (at least 1 hour) and come back and do some crafts or colouring in, then I can usually trust them to play or watch TV while I make lunch (DS 3 sits in his bouncer compliantly (for now) whenever I am not feeding him). I present lunch to them, my cooking is heavily criticised, and spend up to two hours either yelling at them to eat and end up feeding them both with a spoon while breastfeeding DS3. In general the afternoon is a slump where I breastfeed, attempt chores and eventually retreat back to the sofa and CBeebies. After that, I endure more criticism for my cooking, end up hand feeding the two of them again and then bath them one by one (they carry on if I bath them together). After that it’s brush teeth, story and bed at 7/7:30. These days DS1 refuses to settle until 9, we are working on this tho. I have to put DS2 to bed in my room as otherwise, again, they will carry on in the bedroom. I carry him back through to his own bed later.

Most days I am able to teach them little things as the day goes on (this is how we cross the road safely, this is how to brush your own teeth, this is how we dust the skirtings etc etc) but a maybe once a week I just plough through the day in silence. About twice a week the routine goes out the window and we spend five or six hours out of the house on a long walk through parks/town etc or day out of some kind visiting granny, play date, soft play etc.

Is this a normal routine for a stay at home mum? Hubby is at work most of the time. When he is at home he (ideally) plays with the kids in between doing stuff around the house while I have one of the days where I slump on the sofa not doing much - I rarely act like that when it’s just me and the kids, when it’s just us I tend to do more.

I feel like I am doing a bad job as we always retreat back to the living room and the sofa in front of the tv. Our house is tiny so that’s really the only place to go but I constantly feel awful having them watch that much tv. Do you think they have enough time outdoors? Bearing in mind they have at least an hour out on a walk each day and there’s the couple of days we are out walking all day?

Notes for clarity: My kids attend about 2 groups / activities during the week usually but not at the moment as they still aren’t back after lockdown quite yet. There is no school or nursery as we home educate. My 6yo gets a little formal sit down learning after the ‘arts and crafts’ slot before lunchtime I mentioned above. The rest of the time we learn through play while out on our walks (identifying bugs, or reciting times tables while walking through park for instance as very small examples. I’m not asking for judgement on the education part of our routine, I’m just mentioning this as explanation as to why nursery and school aren’t mentioned here.

These are hard ages and it is hard having a newborn.

I'd say the things that jump out at me are maybe a lack of stimulation for the older two, and a bit more discipline needed around meal times and the behaviour between the eldest two.

Meal times are easiest to sort - I would have zero tolerance on any rudeness or moaning about meals. They don't have to eat, but they can't be rude or critical.
Give meal times 20-30 minutes and then clear away.

6 year old sounds like he needs more mental and physical stimulation and a break from the 3yo. Is there a reason you are not sending him to school?
Would you send the 3yo to nursery so you can give the 6yo a bit more of your time? Or how about sending the 6yo to a forest school a couple of days a week?

I think your 6YO needs more attention and stimulation TBH. My 6YO would be bored to tears by what you describe. TBF, he is my youngest and I don't have a newborn baby. Both my DS (eldest is 8) are very physically active and probably spend about 80% of their time outside either playing in the garden, out in the street with friends or we go to the park or long walks with them. My 6YO spent all day yesterday out on his bike and today he was in the back garden and the park most of the day. Do you have any outdoors space you can utilise?

I grew up in a family with similar age gaps (I was the middle child) and TBH it would have been hellish if we didn't go to school. I know you don't want to discuss the home education element, but I do think your eldest is lashing out at your middle child because they are bored and fed up with one another. There is nothing wrong as a parent in admitting that your children need more than what you can give them.

I don't really have any advice but just wanted to say, it will get easier! Good luck!

It sounds understimulating for the two older children, fine for the baby.

You must have some concerns about the situation or you wouldn’t be posting here surely?

Spoon feeding- this is because after about an hour of them playing with their food I just need them to get it into their body so I can get off the sofa and do an activity or go out. So they eat faster when I feed them. I know it’s bad and I kinda knew you guys would point that out but yes I think now I will just make easy food which gets taken away after a bit. I needed a kick up the bum about that.

I know you don’t want to discuss it but doesn’t sound like homeschooling really works for you and most importantly your children. Your oldest sounds bored and frustrated and is lashing out to your middle child. Meal times sound like a nightmare and they couldn’t behave like this at school or nursery. Oldest is not tired enough and playing up at bedtime. I bet you would see a difference in his behaviour if he was at school or more stimulated. Why are making this so hard for yourself OP? Most parents couldn’t do this and have a tiny baby too.

Start tomorrow with the mealtimes. They will moan at first but don’t get drawn into any arguing or cajol them to eat. Keep it up and it will soon become the norm. Good luck!

I would say give up the cooking lunch and make a picnic first thing and take it out and about with you, they will eat when hungry and there should be no need to wait for an hour for a 6 year old to eat and then spoon feed - at school they get I think half an hour and then whats not eaten isnt eaten.
id also say cut down your cleaning expectation - teaching them to clean the skirting boards? ive literally never cleaned my skirting boards, Id see that as a non essential when you are looking after 3 and homeschooling one of them, redirect your energy to the homeschooling?
Id be teaching them to cook maybe, save all that cooking moan - let them choose and plan a balanced meal and learn to cook - my 6 year old is learning cooking skills for fun this summer, its a much more fun way for meals and covers loads of the homeschool stuff like healthy meal planning etc.

When I was a SAHM I used to make a packed lunch every single morning in the summer. It meant if we went out I could just grab it and go, and if we stayed at home they could having a picnic in the garden (or inside under a blanket fort or something if the weather was bad).

@AdriannaP

I know you don’t want to discuss it but doesn’t sound like homeschooling really works for you and most importantly your children. Your oldest sounds bored and frustrated and is lashing out to your middle child. Meal times sound like a nightmare and they couldn’t behave like this at school or nursery. Oldest is not tired enough and playing up at bedtime. I bet you would see a difference in his behaviour if he was at school or more stimulated. Why are making this so hard for yourself OP? Most parents couldn’t do this and have a tiny baby too.

I think this is absolutely spot on. Most parents couldn't and frankly wouldn't put themselves through all of this. Don't make yourself a martyr.

I think what strikes me most is that none of you seems very happy. You obviously think something needs to change (and not just the meals situation) or you wouldn't have written the post.

How would you like things to be different?

@AdriannaP it sounds like that (home ed doesn’t work for us) because this is a post about me not liking my daily routine so I haven’t posted anything to do with home ed, so you are kinda assuming that the bad stuff is linked to home ed, perhaps through how I have phrased things. Eldest has ADHD so I should have mentioned that his behaviour is linked to it. A few people have commented on the home ed stuff so I might as well go into it I guess as there are misconceptions about what it should look like and it’s not what many people think ... We know lots of families personally with small babies and older kids who home ed, some have more than five kids, I think one has 8 and they can also educate just fine. We love home ed, I enjoy teaching and my son hated nursery tbh and his behaviour and anxiety was worse. We have friends of all ages who, except for during pandemic and now when things haven’t started back up, the kids played with regularly. I socialised with the other parents. My six year old can read and write, I would estimate he is at least a year ahead of his peers and definitely two years ahead in maths. Not boasting just need to mention as people don’t understand that with home ed you don’t need to spend hours at a desk each day because there is greater connection and understanding when it is one on one. We spend twenty minutes a day max sitting down with pencils and paper and have achieved this level - as I say we learn mostly through play.

I’m going to be brutally honest, caveated with the fact that obviously this is just a snapshot and we don’t have the full picture - but there does not seem to be a lot of educating actually going on for a home educating family.

I can see why it’s so difficult because home educating is a full time job and you’re doing it alongside looking after a young baby - also a full time job. But it doesn’t sound like the 6yo is getting enough stimulation or a wide enough range of activities.

An hour’s walk a day is great, but the rest of the time sounds quite unstructured. Learning through play is great but if a lot of the day is tv time or you having quiet days, it’s almost certainly not enough to occupy his mind. That may well be where the sleep issue stems from.

He is also way to old to be spoon fed (so is the 3yo really).

It sounds a bit like a lot of the time you’re all drifting because you’re just trying to get through the day with 3 young kids (including a baby). Mealtimes have slipped, bedtime has slipped, activities have slipped etc.

I would try setting some realistic goals - eating independently, a consistent bedtime routine etc - and get those in place in the first instance. Once you’ve got those back on track you can see where the next gaps are and work towards those.

What would you like to change OP?

OP he’s too young to have a formal diagnosis.
He needs to go to school and have a proper education, then you can concentrate on the other two. Children’s education is not some kind of Facebook project.

Does the three year old have any SEN issues? Have they attended a preschool or nursery?

Is dad around and what does he do?

What strikes me most (and I'm a SAHM) is there is no time for you to reset or rest with or without baby.

I think perhaps looking for some kind of preschool could be good for the middle one.

You need to get a handle on mealtimes. Give them a set time to eat what's presented and stop spoon feeding them.

I dont have misconceptions about home ed and know lots of people who do it, I did it myself for my ds reception, and I think most parents have a good understanding of home ed since the pandemic, but the activities should be starting up now so good plan for all of you to get back into them? We have a huge range of forest schools open now and loads of activities to choose from. Do you get to any groups now or was it all pre pandemic? Id get him into stuff as a priority, burn off his energy and give them both some time apart? And do you get to a park? So good for the eldesst and you can rest and feed the littlest easy enough.
Im very pro homeschool but defo needs to not be a stress but a joy, so need to figure out what is the stress and change things? Can you get any support?
Id defo start with a packed lunch and get out more, to the park if you have one. And if you have a garden send the eldest out there for garden play as much as possible.
And for evenings dont stress about the late night but let them do private reading time would that work? with a torch?
Im also wondering why you wake them up too?

Your daily routine, as you have written it, sounds like:
Kids fight
Watch TV
You try to get some chores done
Meal times and bedtimes are a nightmare
You yell
You slump on the sofa

You say you haven't put in the educational stuff and the kids do lots of activities and socialising, so it's difficult to tell which version is the real one?

Do you have an ADD diagnosis?

You say he is years ahead, what are you basing this on? It sounds like he doesn't get much formal learning and at 6 he's moving out of the learning through play stage. School isn't just about reading and writing. It's about routines, socialising, being part of a group, following rules from other people.

The 3&6 yo are clearly bored and that is why they bicker so much.

This sounds waaaay bloody too much. How can you joke school your children, whilst looking after a newborn, cook all the meals, spoon feed your children, and be out for 6+ hours most days, plus walking everywhere.

And bedtimes have slipped.

The oldest one needs more stimulation, that's become very obvious and from what you've posted it looks like there isn't really much time to stimulate your oldest, whilst trying to do everything else.

Could your oldest not go to school? Probably a silly question but it's one less mouth to cook for, to spoon feed, gets much more stimulation and interaction. Full time home education takes a LOT of work and i mean this kindly, it sounds like the whole lot is slipping. Plus you have no time for yourself to unwind.

Wouldn't sending your children to school be a much better / easier option? You don't need to be a martyr here! Plus schools can help with ADD?

Home* not joke

Think it’s really good that you recognise you need some help. That’s hardly any stimulation for a 3 and 6 year old. Good luck OP.

@Hercisback

Do you have an ADD diagnosis?

You say he is years ahead, what are you basing this on? It sounds like he doesn't get much formal learning and at 6 he's moving out of the learning through play stage. School isn't just about reading and writing. It's about routines, socialising, being part of a group, following rules from other people.

The 3&6 yo are clearly bored and that is why they bicker so much.

Totally agree.

School is so much more than pencil and paper. It's so important.

Hmm. Mine is younger (3/4) but would be understimulated and cranky by a day spent in the way you describe. Assuming the home ed stuff is in hand (I've no idea and tbh I'm sceptical based on what you've written, but that's my problem rather than yours) what are the other pinch points in the day - eating, clearly? Bedtimes?

Start with eating. What can you put together quickly/in advance/in batches that they do like/tolerate? Make it, serve it up, let them know that when the big hand points up the plates are going away and that's their lot. Also make sure they're not snacking too much in the morning and therefore not hungry at lunchtime.

Also, why do you wake them up? Or, if you must, would it be useful to wake one up before the other to do something 1-1 with them?

OP, people on here will focus on the home ed stuff. You will probably get better informed answers on home ed Facebook groups from people who have actually been there and done it(and no what happened during the pandemic was not the same as actively choosing to home educate long term).