Bringing up a child with a narcissist

[penjo]

My husband is a narcissist, not diagnosed but showing all the typical traits - self absorbed, lack of empathy, inability to apologise, I could go on ... My question is - how do I bring up my son not to copy these behaviours, to know that that's not an okay way to treat other humans ?

Do you plan to stay with him? It's going to be hard to teach a child that behaviour is unacceptable if you continue to live with it and tolerate it.

Yes, I do plan to stay with him.
I realise a lot of people will tell me to leave, that's not what I'm asking. I love him and can personally cope with the narc behaviours when I compartmentalize them in my head. A lot of his behaviours are similar to his own Dad and I worry this will present in the next generation too, and that's what scares me.

I don't know what to say then. What you'd effectively be saying to your DS is 'don't behave the way your Dad does, it's not the way you should treat people but your Dad can't help it because his Dad was like it'

I'm not trying to be nasty but you can see how that messge would be confusing to a child? You have developed a mechanism for coping with his behaviour, is that something you want your child to have to learn too?

I would be more worried about the incredible damage he could do to your son. I grew up with a narcissist parent and their enabler and it has left me with life long damage. I have therapy when needed and now have a wonderful husband and son and have cut all contact with my parents but I may never be able to have a career or normal relationships with most people.

I have grown up way too sensitive and empathetic as I spent my childhood constantly having to monitor and manage my parents emotions and behaviour. So a child of narcissists won't always be a narcissist themselves.

But equally I struggle to form bonds with people so can seem stand offish and unfeeling. Am quite good at faking it though and behaving as I know I should.

Your biggest worry shouldn't be that your son will end up as a narc, but the damage that your narc husband will do to your son. You are the enabler in this scenario and being raised in this environment will mess your child up, I'm speaking from a life time of experience.

I don't agree, you can bring your child up to behave differently from their parent. I have.

You emphasise being considerate toward others, you model taking other people's needs into account and so on.

'Oh dear, daddy didn't think about how that would upset you. What a shame. Let's do xyz instead.'

My mum is narcissistic and I've managed to bring up two lovely boys who totally see through her and are able to manage her behaviour. I used phrases like 'granny isn't very good at buying presents' and 'granny forgets children can't skip meals/get bored etc'. I found ways of explaining her behaviour that didn't reflect on my boys, but on her limitations.

You must make sure your DC's needs are met though- it's hard being the only one prioritising your dc.

Please please don't prioritise appeasing him at your child's expense. That's what happened to me. The world revolved around keeping mum happy. Don't let your son's life revolve around keeping his dad happy. If he has to walk on eggshells, then that's wrong and abusive.

I love him and can personally cope with the narc behaviours when I compartmentalize them in my head.

And can your very young child?

I agree @Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear . I'm hugely empathic and thin skinned, my boundaries were awful, it took a lot of work.

However I didn't have a clued up parent protecting me. OP May be able to manage this- depends whether her husband does narcissistic rage. If he does, then sorry OP, you can't do it.

@titchy

I love him and can personally cope with the narc behaviours when I compartmentalize them in my head.

And can your very young child?

Accomodating bad behaviour is the beginning of the end.

Thanks for all the replies x it's really helping me think. I'm definitely am enabler and need to work on being assertive.

This will damage your child they won’t be able to deal with it like adult you does.

Why you would want to set your child in a position to be a target for a narcissist is beyond me.

Being completely honest penjo imo the best thing you could do would be to leave and get as much custody as you can. Even if only 50% that is your son living in a safe narcissist free environment half of the time and you may get more custody than half!

I have left, but we have 50/50 so it is hard.

I emphasise the importance of kindness, highlight every opportunity to praise her for it and recognise it in others.

We go overboard about the importance of people over things and money, but not what people can do for us - what we can do for them and the value they bring just by being in our lives.

When her dad has upset her, we talk about how that has made her feel and how she wouldn’t want others to feel like that, then what she would have done differently to her dad.

I don’t run him down, but I might say “dad sometimes doesn’t understand how that would make you feel”.

She is 8, and starting to unpick that there is something “off” about him.

We talk a lot about the values that are important to her- she will mention that that’s “not what dad cares about”, and I might flesh that out a bit without discussing him directly “some people…”

Good luck OP

I should also add mine was a huge liar, compulsive I guess about everything.

We model honestly, highlight it and praise it when we see it from her or each other, and regularly discuss it’s importance when the opportunity comes up.

We also do a lot of “process praise” - praising the effort and skills rather than the outcome eg “I love that you kept trying today” rather than “I’m so proud of you for winning that football match”.

His family are all the same, so me and my family work extra hard to counter it.

@Ppf35

I have left, but we have 50/50 so it is hard.

I emphasise the importance of kindness, highlight every opportunity to praise her for it and recognise it in others.

We go overboard about the importance of people over things and money, but not what people can do for us - what we can do for them and the value they bring just by being in our lives.

When her dad has upset her, we talk about how that has made her feel and how she wouldn’t want others to feel like that, then what she would have done differently to her dad.

I don’t run him down, but I might say “dad sometimes doesn’t understand how that would make you feel”.

She is 8, and starting to unpick that there is something “off” about him.

We talk a lot about the values that are important to her- she will mention that that’s “not what dad cares about”, and I might flesh that out a bit without discussing him directly “some people…”

Good luck OP

This is all well and good but you need to be careful it doesn't become classed as parental alienation.

lovefraud.com/

This is an excellent site when you have a relationship with a narcissist.

There's stuff about kids being caught up in it too and how to deal with it.

@penjo

Thanks for all the replies x it's really helping me think. I'm definitely am enabler and need to work on being assertive.

If you're going to stay, then get into therapy as soon as possible. That will equip you with an ability to be assertive, as well as giving you more protection given you are going to need to be a formidable, insightful buffer between your DH and your son.

So should a narcissist never be given the chance to have a family ? It's a genuine question, lots going through my mind currently - I do like to think I can support him through this and with therapy find healthier ways of dealing with his emotions but is that unlikely ?

Ideally I would have spotted this before having children, but definitely the behaviours have intensified since pregnancy/birth (ie, attention diverted from him)

Very very unlikely that he’ll change.

Doesn’t he make you feel just horrible sometimes? Imagine what that feels like for a child.

Narcissist don’t distinguish between children and adults, they don’t care where they get their supply from.

Think about that.

A true narcissist shouldn't no IMO. Narcissists do not care about others other than as fuel for their own self image and esteem. They are not capable of the selflessness that parenting often requires. Nor are they capable of the unconditional love which parenting always requires.

Daughter of a narcissist here. I would do anything to protect my child from the damage my parent caused me. If your OH is willing to get help and try to change he's pretty low of the Narcissistic spectrum. My parent has no empathy or understanding of how their actions impact others and is extremely entitled. There is no way of changing them. Narcissists tend to enjoy children when they are younger and get bored of then around age 7 when they start having their own values and opinions. You will need to protect your child fron shaming, gaslighting, constant critism, dismissing their feelings and invalidating them. I would be less worried about him becoming a Narcissist himself and more about how much therapy he will need as an adult to build his self esteem back up to make sure he can have good quality relationships and feel content in his life. Are you sure your husband isn't just an arsehole? I mean that would actually be preferable for you and your child tbh x

@penjo

So should a narcissist never be given the chance to have a family ? It's a genuine question, lots going through my mind currently - I do like to think I can support him through this and with therapy find healthier ways of dealing with his emotions but is that unlikely ?

Ideally I would have spotted this before having children, but definitely the behaviours have intensified since pregnancy/birth (ie, attention diverted from him)

I think it has taken inexcess of 6 years to get over the damage my xh did to me.

How old is your DC? Once your DC is no longer putting your H on a pedestal as young DC do how is that going to work out?

Yes agree with everything @Cuddlemuffin says.