Bringing up a child with a narcissist

[penjo]

My husband is a narcissist, not diagnosed but showing all the typical traits - self absorbed, lack of empathy, inability to apologise, I could go on ... My question is - how do I bring up my son not to copy these behaviours, to know that that's not an okay way to treat other humans ?

Sorry if im intruding.

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

I wish I had advice cood but noone tried to help me (all too scared of the narcissist) and I just focused on survival. However things are very different for your DC. It is not every day for them and they have a non enabling parent. That will make such a difference so please don't worry too much.

How did you realise you werw focused on survival?

I can't say what ages they will be cood it is likely to be different for each of them.

I have cut off all contact but it took me until I was 31, however as I say I didn't have a non enabler parent who supported me.

It is looking back that I can see that I was focused on survival. Horrifically tense dinners where I desperately flattered and praised the narcissist in the desperate hope they wouldn't turn on me. The relief when the meal was over and I could go to bed. I turned on family in an attempt to please the narcissist and manipulated by them destroyed crucial healthy relationships. I did whatever I had to do to keep the narcissist happy.

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

I can't say what ages they will be cood it is likely to be different for each of them.

I have cut off all contact but it took me until I was 31, however as I say I didn't have a non enabler parent who supported me.

It is looking back that I can see that I was focused on survival. Horrifically tense dinners where I desperately flattered and praised the narcissist in the desperate hope they wouldn't turn on me. The relief when the meal was over and I could go to bed. I turned on family in an attempt to please the narcissist and manipulated by them destroyed crucial healthy relationships. I did whatever I had to do to keep the narcissist happy.

I fully understand. People think you should be able to see the red flags but i truly didn't know such behaviour existed.

Narcissists can be extremely charming when they want to be cood. Don't beat yourself up that you didn't see it straight away.

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

Narcissists can be extremely charming when they want to be cood. Don't beat yourself up that you didn't see it straight away.

I am certain that he is true evil. I had no idea.

Actually i didn't even know how bad it had been until long after my marriage ended and i realised how much stress i had been coping with.

Leave him. You won’t be able to bring your son up successfully with him despite your positive influence. If he’s not living in the home and access is less the outcomes will be better.

For context I grew up with a loving mother and a narcissistic father. N father walked out and discarded us all when I was 11 and my siblings slightly older. Never to be seen again.

Despite having our loving mother as the main influence of our lives one of our siblings is now a narcissist like his father. It’s a risk you take exposing your kids I’m afraid. The damage can be long lasting.

I am aware that sounds harsh. Good luck, you will need it.

@Chillychangchoo

Leave him. You won’t be able to bring your son up successfully with him despite your positive influence. If he’s not living in the home and access is less the outcomes will be better.

For context I grew up with a loving mother and a narcissistic father. N father walked out and discarded us all when I was 11 and my siblings slightly older. Never to be seen again.

Despite having our loving mother as the main influence of our lives one of our siblings is now a narcissist like his father. It’s a risk you take exposing your kids I’m afraid. The damage can be long lasting.

I am aware that sounds harsh. Good luck, you will need it.

What do you think your mother should have done differently regarding your now narcissistic sibling? Or any advice on how to teach my kids to understand and cope with their Dad?

@coodawoodashooda

Honestly? Nothing. She is a respectful human being. She was loving, empathetic and validated us. Unfortunately there is no way to mitigate the risk that one of your children will grow up with either a fully fledged personality disorder or severely damaged self esteem continuing to live with a N.

Thankfully our mother was our saviour but we all have scars because of his presence. Some of us more than others.

Living with one toxic parent will leave scars no matter how angelic/kind the mother is.

@coodawoodashooda

Sorry I’ve just read you are not with him. In that case the effects will be watered down. I can’t really give any advice on that because as I said our N father lived with us permanently but then discarded us very quickly when he got bored.

[quote Chillychangchoo]@coodawoodashooda

Honestly? Nothing. She is a respectful human being. She was loving, empathetic and validated us. Unfortunately there is no way to mitigate the risk that one of your children will grow up with either a fully fledged personality disorder or severely damaged self esteem continuing to live with a N.

Thankfully our mother was our saviour but we all have scars because of his presence. Some of us more than others.

Living with one toxic parent will leave scars no matter how angelic/kind the mother is.[/quote]
Thank you. In a way im lucky that he is so vile and his behaviour is unbearable. The professionals, even doctors, have so little understanding of what my children are forced to endure that there is very little i can do to protect them. I said nothing for a long time but im now very strong in how i communicate about his behaviour. Really factual or i say that it is their job to decide about how to be reapectful. He is a master at, 'breadcrumbing'. It makes my blood boil that there is so little provision in the law to identify his venom.

@coodawoodashooda

Your children have a loving mother. That in itself is going to put a huge, protective shield around them. They also do not live with him, so they have a safer space.

It’s unfortunate they have to spend time with him, but the real education about their father begins in adulthood. They’re too young to see past the manipulation and N tricks. If you give them the educational resources and tools when they’re older, they will work it all out.

Just keep doing what you are doing.

[quote Chillychangchoo]@coodawoodashooda

Your children have a loving mother. That in itself is going to put a huge, protective shield around them. They also do not live with him, so they have a safer space.

It’s unfortunate they have to spend time with him, but the real education about their father begins in adulthood. They’re too young to see past the manipulation and N tricks. If you give them the educational resources and tools when they’re older, they will work it all out.

Just keep doing what you are doing.[/quote]
'The real education about their father begins in childhood,'
Ive read so much but never that. Is it because they start to see how nasty he truly is then?

@coodawoodashooda

I don’t think children have the real ability to see past manipulation. We can educate them of course but they are in reality too young to process certain behaviours that narcissists exhibit. Hell it’s difficult for grown adults to understand them let alone children. Children have self protective mechanisms in place in regards to their own parents. It’s a primitive, survival mechanism to see parents through rose tinted spectacles.

The real processing does begin with an adult brain. Just my opinion of course.

All you can do is model kindness, respectful behaviours and empathy whilst educating them on hurtful behaviours.

Thank you. You are right. It took me years to see his behaviour was on purpose and not in the least related to stress. Im pleased they will know that his behaviour happens in his house. I hope its clear that it has nothing to do with me.

@coodawoodashooda

It will be very clear. You have done all you can by minimising the exposure at relatively young ages.

Feel grateful for that. It’s not all bad either.

On a positive note I have a top notch personality disorder radar. It’s quite the gift he left me with. I can sniff out a N very, very quickly and I suffer no fools.

The result of all this is, I’ve been in a fantastic, loving relationship for the past two decades. I have wonderful friends and I remove myself from toxic environments very quickly (whether that be work, social gatherings, people etc).

I have a positive and wonderful life. My mother continues to be a solid and loving foundation.

Sounds like you and your kids will be fine. 😁

[quote Chillychangchoo]@coodawoodashooda

It will be very clear. You have done all you can by minimising the exposure at relatively young ages.

Feel grateful for that. It’s not all bad either.

On a positive note I have a top notch personality disorder radar. It’s quite the gift he left me with. I can sniff out a N very, very quickly and I suffer no fools.

The result of all this is, I’ve been in a fantastic, loving relationship for the past two decades. I have wonderful friends and I remove myself from toxic environments very quickly (whether that be work, social gatherings, people etc).

I have a positive and wonderful life. My mother continues to be a solid and loving foundation.

Sounds like you and your kids will be fine. 😁[/quote]
Im really happy for you. It is impossible to explain the pain of a supposingly loving family member quietly trying to drive you mental.

Hi there. I’m in the same position as you. I got two lovely boys and narcissistic husband. As you probably now the abuse comes in cycle in my case every two years. As you, I learn to live with it. That doesn’t mean I’m ok with it. You have to understand it’s a condition just like bio polar or autism. You need to study him after all they always fallow the same pattern every time it’s almost make me laugh now. My older boy understand now. I call it daddy is in the mood give him space. If I have to confront him I do it when children are out because it can get pretty loud. I teach my children to be considerate, gentle ,come and nice I say it so often in my house. I’m very proud of them they are wonderful children. And I do fill sorry for my husband after all he is the one who loose the most even if he doesn’t realise it.