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Original poster

Baby group nightmare

30 replies

summerrain8 · 09/08/2021 16:27

My son is coming up to 18 months and is finding social situations hard. He often gets really upset and cries when confronted with unfamiliar faces.

I've taken him to several baby groups recently - a music class and storytime - and on both occasions he's burst into floods of tears and I've had to take him out. The first time I managed to calm him down outside and take him back in, only for him to start crying again as soon as we got in the room!

I'm quite socially anxious so found it really difficult with all the other mums in the group looking at me due to DS's crying. All the other babies were calm and chilled while DS was screaming his head off!

This has really put me off going to groups, but I know I need to keep putting him in social situations if he's ever going to improve. But honestly just the thought of it makes me so nervous.

What would you do?

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Pantheon · 09/08/2021 16:49

It sounds like stranger anxiety. I think all kids go through it, but some have a bigger reaction than others to unfamiliar people. Could you skip the groups for now and do playgrounds at a quiet time and one on one playdates for a while?

LittleRedPill · 09/08/2021 16:52

One to one playdates are probably the way forward for now. Not surprising the wee sausage found a room full of new faces overwhelming at first. I would go slowly and give him as much reassurance/time as he needs. He will get there.

Original poster

summerrain8 · 09/08/2021 16:57

Thanks for reading. Sadly I don't know any other mums locally with children my age, so not sure how I'd go about arranging a one to one playdate!

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Mummasdiary2021 · 09/08/2021 17:01

Op have you tried the app 'peanut'? It's like tinder but for meeting mums with children similar ages. I have met some lovely mums! Also, maybe taking your little one to busy places but where there is no direct interaction would get him used to the noise and strange faces? Like a shopping mall if you go for a coffee etc x

omgthepain · 09/08/2021 18:31

Why don't you book him Into nursery for 1-2 days a week that's the obvious solution then he'll get used to other people and socialising and it's good reparation for pre/school then reception

MondayYogurt · 09/08/2021 20:37

I found that just going to the same group more regularly helped acclimatise to the noise etc. First time was a cry fest, second less so, third time showed some enjoyment, fourth time loved it.

Original poster

summerrain8 · 10/08/2021 00:22

Why don't you book him Into nursery for 1-2 days a week

I really don’t want to send him to nursery until he’s a bit older.

I will have a look at the Peanut app, thanks!

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 10/08/2021 00:26

Do you go to the park @summerrain8? Soft play? Something where he's not being expected to perform or behave in a certain way, can just toddle round with you but there will be other kids around?

It is hard, DS was the same except i could calm him down if he sat on me. No joining in though and he did cry through some classes. Now hes 6 and will talk to anyone.

whattodo2019 · 10/08/2021 00:28

the school i work at runs an outdoor forest toddler group. this has been amazing for children who are anxious. it's very calm!!!

CrotchetyQuaver · 10/08/2021 00:30

Do you think he's picking up on your anxiety? Maybe he'd be better if you could try and stay relaxed and not bothered by his tears? Easier said than done I know!
I'd keep persevering by carrying on going, I think both of you will benefit in the longer term.

Original poster

summerrain8 · 10/08/2021 07:21

@SleepingStandingUp yes, we go to the park a lot and he’s happy among other kids there, smiling and reaching out.

@CrotchetyQuaver I honestly try my absolute hardest to remain calm and smiling, even though inside I’m dying!! Do you think he can still sense it subconsciously?

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SuziLikeSuziQ · 10/08/2021 07:32

I run a parent and toddler group and want to reassure you that probably no one is batting an eyelid at the crying! Honestly, we've all been there.

happystory · 10/08/2021 07:34

I agree that you should persevere, perhaps with the music group where he's more likely to be distracted. He's spent all his life in lockdown, so groups will be a new thing for him, but it'd be nice for you too to meet some new friends which could lead to other meet ups.

Apeirogon · 10/08/2021 07:36

I think sometimes it's a question of finding the right group for him. When my DS was this age he didn't seem to enjoy some groups, but then we found a music class that he absolutely loved. Probably a mixture of the lovely woman running it and the fact that he likes music (now plays two instruments as an older child). So it may be worth trying out a few different ones. No rush though - he's only little. Socialising with other children is more important when he's around two years IIRC.

bettybyebye · 10/08/2021 07:38

What about trying a more traditional playgroup (often run in church halls etc) where they can choose what they want to do/play with during the session? Good way for him to interact with others and for you to meet other parents. There’s usually always tea and biscuits too!

ViceLikeBlip · 10/08/2021 07:45

You might have to do the rounds and trawl the local area until you find "that" playgroup. I used to hate playgroups until I found the absolute friendliest one in a tiny village hall. Toys were pretty rubbish, but kids don't care about that really, and the mums were actually FRIENDLY!

What's he like in outdoor settings, like the playground, or farm? Or somewhere more fun, like the dreaded softplay?! This will be much less daunting once the older kids are back at school.

Jent13c · 10/08/2021 07:58

Hes a pandemic baby and you have some social anxiety. Hes probably a little socially anxious too! Its not benefiting either of you just yet so I would probably leave the baby group.

If he's happy at the park id look for an outside group like a forest group or even a baby group in the park. Some of my friends did like a buggy exercise class..maybe something like that? Then you could meet some more mums and do some playdates. Do you have any old colleagues that have kids or neighbours?

SleepingStandingUp · 10/08/2021 09:37

I would try something less structured @summerrain8 so you can just relax and DS can play how he wants. If you've paid for the classes, keep going but don't worry too much about joining in. Its ok to sit and watch

imaginethemdragons · 10/08/2021 09:46

Probably going against the grain here but why bother?
My first was complete carnage wherever we went.
But I persisted.
I didn’t see the point in “exposing “ him or me to the utter utter torture that was playgroups. It was not pleasurable for anyone involved. Yet I still went.
It’s good to get him used to people, social situations, yadayadayada. The torture continued as I thought it was the best thing for him. It never got better.

2nd child, I just decided that I would go to a few, if it didn’t suit then I would not go to a single one ever again, and I didn’t.

Both kids are older, happy, sociable and not permanently scared for being forced to go or not going at all.
I on the other hand have horrible memories and wish I hadn’t put us through it for so long.
It’s not compulsory, so don’t feel forced.

WeatherwaxLives · 10/08/2021 09:49

Is it the kind of group where you all sit in a circle looking at each other? Could you try sitting him on your lap facing you, until he's enjoying it, then try shifting him slightly so he can still see mainly you, but also the baby next to you.

Or, try something like baby massage? DD loved that, but she was lying on her back looking up at me. She'd turn her head and look at the other babies next to her, but again, could always see mainly me.

Blippibloppi · 10/08/2021 10:16

I used to take DS to ones where there was plenty of space to run round - if he wasn't feeling it he would just charge round the back with a maraca. There were often kids sat on mum's laps away from the main circle. I think with under 2 classes you often get a mix of concentration and engagement levels.

Agree with PP that a free flow playgroup might suit him (not that any are running round my area yet). Have you watched the baby club on Cbeebies? Maybe showing him that might give him an idea if what to expect.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 10/08/2021 10:20

I'd ditch the organised groups and go to a toddler/play group.

CrotchetyQuaver · 10/08/2021 15:04

@summerrain8 yes babies definitely can pick up mums moods...

Original poster

summerrain8 · 13/08/2021 20:19

@CrotchetyQuaver but like I say, I remain absolutely calm and smiley on the surface. How could he possibly pick up on what I’m feeling inside? If he can see into the inner workings of my mind then there’s nothing more I can do TBH.

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Genevie82 · 13/08/2021 21:11

Hi OP,
It may well just be his natural temperament, don’t forget traits like anxiety can also be hereditary too which is fine as you sound like a sensitive gentle parent that will manage it for him 😀 ... I would go to stay and play sessions at local children centres and village halls - they are much more relaxed and kids can just choose what they find interesting .. you can just enjoy a coffee and biscuit and sit and watch 😀.. I’ve done both types of groups with my first .. eventually I stopped bothering with the structured ones- (there’s often too much stimulation and noise for sensitive babies ) and found a lovely village stay and play session for £1 an afternoon - my DS loved it x

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