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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

Second child making our lives a misery don't know what to do

59 replies

Londonlady92 · 05/08/2021 10:49

I'm really struggling with my second child she is almost 3 and has been hard work since she was born, my first is no trouble at all so I feel like I should have expected it but she is making us all so miserable with her hitting, tantrums every half hour and night waking, especially now its the 6 weeks holidays my poor son has to listen to her screaming all day and has even asked "when will she change mum? Im fed up of it now"

We've tried everything, time out, ignoring, praising when shes good, reading toddler taming books.

Me and my husbands relationship is suffering too.

I cry everyday im just at a loss.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

PerfectPrepPrincess · 05/08/2021 10:54

I'm so sorry. I've no experience but wanted to send you a MN virtual hug, bottle of wine and chocolate xxx

Createdjustforthis · 05/08/2021 10:58

The vast majority of 3/4 year olds are absolute tosspots. All three of mine were.

It calms down when they go to school usually.

Createdjustforthis · 05/08/2021 11:00

All of mine started at nearly 3 and calmed down by nearly 4 and were tolerable at 4 and a half. My youngest is only just 4 and still doesn’t sleep through the night either. It’s hard and it’s boring but they do get better.

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Greenmarmalade · 05/08/2021 11:01

What are you currently doing to encourage different behaviour or stop the hitting? What do you do when she’s having a tantrum?

What’s happening in the night- when does she wake and do you know why?

Original poster

Londonlady92 · 05/08/2021 11:04

Kind replies really appreciated, thank you. I'm really at my wits end.

@Greenmarmalade we tell her to stop and hitting hurts us and usually try to walk away otherwise she will keep doing it.

Tantrums we've tried ignoring or distracting both usually fail miserably. Always seemed to work when my DS was similar age she is just a whole different kettle of fish.

OP posts:

SunShinesBrightly · 05/08/2021 11:05

Is your son nice to her?
I threw tantrums when I was young because my DB was horrible to me. I couldn’t articulate what was happening and ended up being told off for being a PITA.

Original poster

Londonlady92 · 05/08/2021 11:05

@Greenmarmalade sorry posted too soon. Night time she wakes around 2/3am crying she wants to get out and won't go back go sleep for hours. We've tried night light, gro clock, controlled crying, bribery. You name it.

OP posts:

ineedaholidaynow · 05/08/2021 11:06

Could there be other things at play if she has always been like this? Is she hitting milestones etc?

Original poster

Londonlady92 · 05/08/2021 11:06

@SunShinesBrightly hand on heart he truly is. He's almost 7 so really tries with her and breaks my heart when I see him try to set up a little game to play with her and ends up getting hit in the face for doing something wrong (eg: not sitting the toy on the right chair)

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 05/08/2021 11:06

She wants to get out? Is she in a bed?

Jobsharenightmare · 05/08/2021 11:08

Can you afford to get a behaviour specialist in? They will take a history and observe your parenting then help you with more effective strategies.

Original poster

Londonlady92 · 05/08/2021 11:08

@ineedaholidaynow shes hit all milestones, no concerns there, it just seems I've got unlucky this time. I probably over exaggerated id say from 3 month till 10 months she was not problem. Always slept 12 hours at night etc.

Ps I like your user name.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 05/08/2021 11:09

can you bring her into bed with you when she wakes in the night, or give her a little bed on the floor. If shes not sleeping well, this wwill affect her mood and tolerance levels the next day. Does she still nap?
Does she get time with just you

Original poster

Londonlady92 · 05/08/2021 11:10

@Theunamedcat shes still in a cotbed because she always slept 12 hours a night in it so didn't want to fix what wasn't broke. But we have a single bed ready to build and try this weekend but tbh its going to judt mean she can get out and scream.

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 05/08/2021 11:10

How long are you trying things for before deciding they arnt working? Days or weeks? It takes time for consequences to settle in

HollowTalk · 05/08/2021 11:11

Does she get overwhelmed easily, eg by a lot of noise or bright lights or visitors?

When is she at her best and her happiest?

Original poster

Londonlady92 · 05/08/2021 11:12

@Branleuse we've found she thinks its morning time if we get her out/into our room and just would never go back to sleep.

She doesn't nap but has refused for a long time and it never effected bedtime she always slept 12 hours before 3 months ago.

Also if she does doze off in the car one day even for 15 minutes bedtime takes hours!

OP posts:

Invisimamma · 05/08/2021 11:12

I have a second child like that. He never slept more than an hour until he was 2.5, he cried for hours on end everyday until he was 5, proper screaming the house down over the slightest thing nothing would console him. He didn't eat well extremely fussy.

My 1st child had to adapt and deal with so much, he really shouldn't have. Stressed out frazzled parents with little time for him.

He's now 6 and it's really turned a corner recently, he's a charming affectionate wee boy but my goodness his early years were really tough going. Still highly strung and quite demanding but easier to manage and he can be good Fun now too. Hang in there!

Pegasusmail · 05/08/2021 11:14

Oh my god that's so hard.
I wish I could give you advice. Can your dh take her so that you make sure to get a break and go for a treat with ds on a regular basis

Original poster

Londonlady92 · 05/08/2021 11:15

I spend most my time with her one on one with her its not an attention thing.

She doesn't get overwhelmed, she's happiest when we are out at the park usually.so I get out every day even for half hour on rainy days

OP posts:

Original poster

Londonlady92 · 05/08/2021 11:18

@Invisimamma I have tears in my eyes reading the part about your eldest. I feel terrible my sons days are spent so negatively because of her behaviour I really wish I could make the most of him 6 is such a lovely age.

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Beamur · 05/08/2021 11:21

That sounds hard work!
It can be a frustrating age. She's old enough to know what she wants, but not always able to do it or articulate her needs fully. Lots of emotions but not a lot of regulation!
Are there any common triggers for her tantrums? Hunger, tiredness?
Some kids struggle with sleep for a long time. One thing my DD said quite recently (she's 14 and has always been quite poor at falling asleep) was that she found the sensation of falling asleep frightened her as a small child. That vaguely drifting off feeling caused her to panic and wake herself up, and so on.
Sometimes I think we need to really clearly signpost things for children as some of them aren't good at going with the flow.

weegiepower · 05/08/2021 11:23

My second was like this (minus the hitting really, he's never done that) but tantrums, extremely defiant, crying a lot, rarely never slept through the night, nightmare to get to sleep, he's the child you'd see laying on the floor in Sainsbury's refusing to move and throwing a paddy...! Complete contrast to my elder child (2.5 years between). I really suffered mentally and actually my marriage broke down and we divorced, not entirely because of our ds but that contributed because it highlighted just how little ex h was helping or supporting, I had pnd and his support was minimal. It highlighted many problems we had!

He is now nearly 4, and aside from still being a bit of a nightmare at bed time, he's not like that at all anymore, he's happy and easy going, kind and sweet. He turned a corner suddenly about 3.5, we found out a while before that he had glue ear and couldn't hear the best and that has affected his communication and his speech development which I'm sure had a huge impact on how he was.

I really feel for you and your son, I know my ds crying and tantrums had quite a negative effect on elder ds, but now they are wonderful friends and becoming really close. Have you spoken to the health visitor? Mine was extremely helpful and a great support in getting a diagnosis for his hearing issues (now resolved) and speech therapy which all helped massively.

Original poster

Londonlady92 · 05/08/2021 11:27

Nice to hear of similar kids turning a corner eventually.

Funnily enough she has had hearing tests due to my ear problems and she has perfect hearing.

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KimchiJjigae · 05/08/2021 11:28

The sleep issues and behaviour stand out to me. I had the same with a second child (although wasn't hitting their milestones) and you definitely notice the difference compared to the first!

Have you considered ASD/ADHD? I dismissed the differences until second child was much older (oh it's just 2/3/4 year old behaviour) and it never got better! They were eventually diagnosed with ASD.

I have a similar aged third child to you now - hitting all milestones but lots of sleep issues and impulsivity that I've not experienced quite as severely with the first two. I've had some thoughts around ADHD and at the 2.5 year check HV asked more questions that seemed to be along the lines of exploring the possibility.

Of course at this age it could just be age related but maybe have a read up and see if you can connect any dots, even if just to adapt some of the suggested coping mechanisms into your child's life.

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