Second child making our lives a misery don't know what to do

[Londonlady92]

I'm really struggling with my second child she is almost 3 and has been hard work since she was born, my first is no trouble at all so I feel like I should have expected it but she is making us all so miserable with her hitting, tantrums every half hour and night waking, especially now its the 6 weeks holidays my poor son has to listen to her screaming all day and has even asked "when will she change mum? Im fed up of it now"

We've tried everything, time out, ignoring, praising when shes good, reading toddler taming books.

Me and my husbands relationship is suffering too.

I cry everyday im just at a loss.

I'm sorry, OP, it sounds hard. But saying she's making your life a misery is an unbearable burden to put onto such a small child. You sound full of negativity towards her and maybe she picks up on this? Children are usually very good at knowing how you feel about them. Especially if you are always praising and being loving towards her brother, where she gets only negative or grudging attention (if that's the case)?

What do you like and enjoy about your daughter? Can you focus on the lovely, funny things about her and make her feel loved and special in those times? Work on feeling more loving towards her, maybe? I appreciate you are doing your best but it sounds so lonely for your daughter that you are all united in feeling miserable about her existence.

We are in the same position.

For the holidays I’m trying to get my eldest out for as many play dates as possible with his friends. So younger one comes to, as going to places like playground, I watch the youngest and the oldest just plays with his friends as has a break from his bro.

I’ve also enrolled oldest at a summer camp for 3 weeks this holiday mornings only so he gets time away.

My oldest was really hard work at that age. I read How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen and it gave so many great practical tips on how to deal with tantrums and hitting.

Does she get overwhelmed easily, eg by a lot of noise or bright lights or visitors?

DGS1 was like this and he was a dreadful sleeper. He is now 8 and is being assessed on the autistic spectrum. He is calmer now because when he does find himself overwhelmed he is left alone wherever he feels comfortable until he feels calmer. But it's taken a good few years to understand how he feels.

When does she start getting these 30 free hours. Or is she not eligible. I think nursery is a good idea. Because it will give you a break and she will mix with others. It does sound really hard. But if she's making your life a misery something needs to change.

I sympathise OP, my almost 4 year old has been really troublesome this past year. She seems to be finally turning a corner but it’s been hard getting there. For my DD, there were issues meaning she felt insecure (new baby brother, lockdowns, moving nurseries etc). I initially started responding to the bad behaviour with telling off’s and punishment but I actually realised it just made it worse. I started “love-bombing” and it’s helped much more. Some recommendations from me:

Make the room as dark as possible if she’s waking up when the sun is up. Get w blackout blind.
Get her out of the cot and into her own bed. Make sure she chooses the covers etc - make her bed a place she wants to be in! You might have to take her back to bed a few times for a few nights but do this with minimal fuss, quiet voice but be firm “this is where you sleep”.

I found “playing down” the violence works better than scolding. I ignore or tell her “that’s silly, why are you hitting like a baby” and pretend I’m really not bothered by it! The hitting is often for attention.

I also agree with pp about talking to her in a more positive way. I found I was frequently telling my daughter “don’t be naughty” implying that she usually is - rather than telling her that she is a good girl. They’re more likely to respond to praise than constant criticism.

Good luck!

@beastlyslumber I am very strict with making sure neither of my kids feel any of my negativity because I had it as a child with my parents so I disagree with this and know for a fact neither of them know how sad I am.

Thank you @TuesdayRuby will try all these things x

Sorry to sound so depressing as there's no happy ending yet for me.

This sounds like my eldest. She was diagnosed with HFA and ADD and tbh, at 20yo, it isn't really any easier... now it's just different issues and as she's an adult, I get no say in anything.

I do wish I'd pushed more for treatment for the ADD when she was younger as it may have helped.

I read ‘the explosive child’ and it helped me a lot with my daughter. I have 4- she is my most challenging in terms of explosive behaviour and emotional regulation. I try lots of different things to find things that work.

The biggest thing I can recommend is scheduled breaks for you/your husband and ideally short times for you and your children one to one. This can help massively as if stops it all from being entirely overwhelming. Knowing you have a free 2 hours coming up tomorrow to relax and go for a coffee with a book can make all the difference to how relentless it can feel.

Try not to feel too bad for your son- lots of sibling relationships are difficult and it may really change in time.

You have all my sympathy! It’s very hard.

@Londonlady92

I'm really struggling with my second child she is almost 3 and has been hard work since she was born, my first is no trouble at all so I feel like I should have expected it but she is making us all so miserable with her hitting, tantrums every half hour and night waking, especially now its the 6 weeks holidays my poor son has to listen to her screaming all day and has even asked "when will she change mum? Im fed up of it now"

We've tried everything, time out, ignoring, praising when shes good, reading toddler taming books.

Me and my husbands relationship is suffering too.

I cry everyday im just at a loss.

I had the same with my first one easy and 2nd one really hard work and terrible sleeper. All I can say is it got easier and easier as they grew older. They are now 14 and 17 lovely company. Previously difficult dd2 has been a joy to us. All i can say is hang in there. I found the baby and toddler stage incredibly hard but the older they got the better it was

I’m too tired to properly reply- but just to say, you’re not alone. I’m amazed at the difference between my two and can see how the experience of parenting children can vary so much, for so many reasons. At this point, today, I’d get some self-care in for yourself. You are your child’s best asset, and you need to take care of your well-being before you can help them. The Explosive Child is a great book to give you some new strategies when you’re ready. Otherwise, I find getting outside as much as possible is really important and even having a daytime bath/ water play seems to calm them down. Huge hugs

There doesn’t have to be a diagnosis! Nothing about her behaviour is out of the ordinary for her age. Strong personality and possibly very bright is what I’d think. Doesn’t make it easier.
My suggestions, also having had a tricky DC2: Let her sleep with you when she wakes early. Why not? Get her out of the cot and into a bed - the cot will really annoy her and I don’t blame her.
Agree with plenty of exercise. Would she do puzzles? Do you read to her lots? Does she go to a crèche a couple of days a week to give you all a break? Does her dad take her off somewhere so that you can spend time with your DS?
If you can say hand in heart that you are stimulating her and spending plenty of time chatting to her and listening to her point of view and letting her develop in the ways that she wants, then don’t be afraid to get really snarky with her when she acts up. I used to put mine outside for a few minutes - not saying it was a good idea as it probably made her more angry but tbh it stopped me from throwing her out the nearest window. I did try to really listen to her in between that and let her do whatever she wanted - wear what she liked, be as messy as she liked, do whatever activities she suggested. I didn’t sweat the small stuff. It all settled down slowly but surely. She is a very bright girl. Good luck!

Try not to fight with too much, apart from when she’s really pushing your buttons - then yes, do put a firm stop to it!
But apart from that, like I said, don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t let your relationship become full of negativity. Take her into bed with you in the mornings and give her lots and lots of cuddles!

Finally - sorry to keep going on - do not tolerate her being unkind to your older boy (or he to her). Make that one of the few things you get really angry about.

It sounds miserable, but your poor little girl probably knows you all feel like this about her. And that is a heavy weight for a little child of three who can't even manage her own feelings.

I think you will have to try (I am sure you do anyway!) take a kind of "professional" view of it - i.e. with some distance. That it is your role and professional job to care for this difficult child at the moment, and expect that she will be difficult and that this is a really difficult job which you are going to try to do to the best of your ability with as much kindness and patience as you can, always remembering that she is VERY small and has pretty much zero capacity to manage herself.

If you can manage your own frustration then she will learn that from you and things will get better. Children learn to self regulate emotions and behaviour from thousands of micro-experiences of an older adult caregiver person doing that with them and modelling it.

It is not easy but it will get better as she grows up and develops these kind of skills I am sure.

@Coronawireless I genuinely don't think there's a diagnosis unless there's one for difficult toddler!

Appreciate your reply and understanding, we do puzzles,.Reading,.play dough etc. Shes going to nursery 2 mornings a week in September I can only.hope this helps. She will be entitled to 15 free hours in January

There was a really similar thread a couple of days ago, I’ll see if I can find it as there was loads of good advice. You’re not alone OP.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4311012-Our-three-year-old-is-making-us-all-miserable

What we did was separate our DC. It did work. At every opportunity DH takes one and I take one. It gives the older a break from the younger and stops the constant telling off that happens to the younger.

My second was similar. Absolute handful, tantrums constantly.
He’s 6 now and is fab.

Glad to hear I'm not alone, feels extremely lonely at the moment.

X

@Createdjustforthis

The vast majority of 3/4 year olds are absolute tosspots. All three of mine were.

It calms down when they go to school usually.

This is so true. My son was an absolute horror when he was 3. Lovely with everyone else and just awful to me. So belligerent, such bloody hard work. To be honest he was a pain until he hit his teens really. He’s a cracking 20-odd year old now. It does get better OP 💐

A recommendation- look up ‘Big Little Feelings’ on Instagram.
They are a pair of toddler behaviour specialists and they’ve written an online course (which we have paid for and LOVE) but they give out a whole lot of tips and info free on their insta account.
Their approach is a bit different but it genuinely works.

@Coronawireless

Finally - sorry to keep going on - do not tolerate her being unkind to your older boy (or he to her). Make that one of the few things you get really angry about.

This! I can’t emphasise enough that it’s important to your ds to see that you will protect him. I have a friend going through this with her second child and unfortunately she is allowing her older child to be hit, bitten and screamed at on a daily basis. It’s going to damage her relationship with her older child.

My eldest daughter was like this between 2-3.
I really think it was due to lack of sleep and a very active mind. She needed to be entertained constantly.
She was great at 4 and turned into a charming, intelligent and funny girl. Top in her class and driven at 11.
During the hard times I focused on sleep. Black out blinds and routines. Routines really helped her predict what was going to happen and proved to be calming (eventually!)