Arrangements at night

[RoseA89]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering what arrangements you all have between yourself and DP/DH at night with a baby. My DS is almost 3 months old. He sleeps for very long stretches at night. However, since DP went back to work, he told me that he would not be getting up at night to do the feeding. I said I’d do it to let him get a good sleep for his work. However, I’m finding it quite difficult at the moment. I have to do the cleaning up (DP doesn’t do it at all), most of the cooking, looking after baby while DP is working (works 9-6 and often works later on) and then give DS his last bottle before bed as well as during the night. Is it just that I’m finding it hard or should this be split a bit more? I’m going back to work in December, so I don’t know what will happen then!

Thanks x

Would your Dh agree to taking his turn at weekends & maybe doing the last feed before he goes to bed if he is usually up late? That way you could get to sleep earlier & have a good sleep before the night feeds start.

@Nat6999 he does the feeds at the weekend but he gets up to make the bottle and falls asleep while it cools down. So I end up doing it. He used to do the last feed but now he says he’s too tired and goes to bed before me.

Him falling asleep while the bottle cools down suggests to me that you haven't found a quick/efficient way to make a bottle at night. Have you thought of using premade formula at night?

I do most of the caring for the children, I am a sahm. My husband is military so away most of the time anyway. When current baby arrives next week via elcs he will do more than he usually does but tbh I will get back to doing most things asap as that's just how I am. This is our 6th, we've had a set of twins too. Granted it can be relentless with children but you get through it and it does get easier as they get older.

Harsh as it might sound most mums do most of it whilst on mat leave & not working. Mat leave is for this. It can be relentless and why lots of mothers prefer to get back to work and share the load.

To contradict the above, plenty of dads do a lot while their partners are on mat leave. Dh would come home and help cook dinner bath bed, on the weekend do cleaning. But he didn’t do nights, which he knows is going to change next baby as I never got any sleep and our marriage won’t survive again.

I've always done all of the night feeds with both of mine and I will do all of them once this one is born. My husband offered to do night feeds on his days off but I just found I was still waking up so just didn't make any sense at all. My dh works extremely long shifts so really isn't home the majority of the time so to be honest the majority of the child care is down to me.

My DH was always totally up for night time feeds but he would leave early for a long drive and a high pressured job, so I didn't want him to lose sleep and put a single bed in the nursery so I could sleep in there with the babies if they were hard to settle. He'd then do the early morning feed and lots in the evenings and weekends. Luckily they both slept through from very early and spent most nights in our room anyway until 6 months.

@Justajot my son is on a comfort formula, which doesn’t come premade :(

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Yeah he isn't pulling his weight. I'm a SAHM with a 1 year old and DH does his fair share when he's not at work. Because we're a team and otherwise I'd never get a break! But then he's always pulled his weight with housework so I was confident that he'd be the same when we had a baby.

Can't you guys make up the bottles in advance, flash cool and store in the fridge until needed? Then it's quick to heat up. It's a perfectly acceptable method, and birth quicker and safer at 3am.

We always alternated nights regardless of who was working. Dad's that refuse to muck in are pretty pathetic IMO. Of course he should be doing more.

[quote RoseA89]@Justajot my son is on a comfort formula, which doesn’t come premade :([/quote]
But you can still make a bottle and put it in the fridge. That way you only need to heat it up when the baby needs it. I make 4 or 6 at a time and just use them within 24 hours.
Is the baby in a routine? I ask because then you should know when the next bottle is due and can get it heated and ready instead of panic heating it when the baby is screaming and it's too late. My two week old is on a 4 hour schedule, 6am, 10am, 2pm, 6pm, 10pm, 2am bottles so I set my alarm for 15 minutes before each of these times to start changing his nappy and hearing the bottle.

I did all feeds as Ds is breastfed. However, to give me time to breathe, dh has always got baby ready for bed every night ie washed/changed/nappy, and then always does the morning change as well.

When Ds was 3 months he was waking every 2hrs still so lots of overnight feeds. If Ds had fed and still wouldn’t settle dh would take over rocking him to sleep.

Ds is now 1. Recently dropped feed before bed so now dh takes turns reading and settling him to sleep ( before I would feed and settle myself every night). I still feed Ds first thing when he wakes the morning, and then dh does most morning nappy/ clothes change.

At the age I was breastfeeding so would do majority of night feeds but my DP would get up from 4/5am and take the baby downstairs and give bottles of expressed milk. I'd get a chuck of about 4 hours sleep until he needed to get ready for work when he'd wake me up. If I was really struggling/tired etc he would do more during the evenings/weekends. He has to go to work yes but you need to be able to function as well and you can't look after a baby all day on no sleep! For me your DH doesn't sound supportive, I don't understand how some men can happily watch their partners struggling to do everything child and house related and excuse themselves from it all. I wouldn't be happy with that at all!

Sounds like your husband needs to help out more. I'd be exhausted if I were you too.

We have a two year old and a four month old. My husband puts two year old to bed while I settle the baby. I cook Mon to Fri but he tidies, organises dish washer and does a weekly online shop. I feed baby again around nine and he rocks her to sleep so I can rest. Then I do the rest of the night wakings with baby but he gets up for toddler if unsettled. In the morning he gets up with toddler, makes his breakfast and lunch for nursery. Then I get up later with baby, get everyone dressed and we go out. He cooks on weekend. We try our best to communicate about how we're feeling and help each other out. If I'm especially tired, he'll do the midnight settle after I feed her. If he's been up with toddler and I'm feeling okay, he has a night off from helping with baby. If he need stop catch up on work, I take kids out sometime on weekend so he can get some peace.

The point is to try and be as much of a team as you can and know this phase won't last forever.

Good luck OP!

If he’s on comfort formula can you make it up with part water at the correct temp and then top up to boiled cooled water from
The fridge so you are not waiting for it to cook but you are making it up fresh

I did all night feeds as breastfeeding but DH then took her early before work every day and when he got home so I could nap or just have time to myself. We shared dinner duties, basically just whoever was in a better position each day to make it. Same with housework. Some days I managed to do stuff, other days I didn't and DH did it when he was home from work. You're a team - once person's life doesn't get to remain unchanged when you have a baby.

I did all of the nights as DS was BF and never took a bottle. DH made up for it ( he wanted to do nights but alas, no boobs ) by getting up with DS in the morning and doing bath time every night when he was home from work.

I cant believe how often I read on here that mum should do everything just because she is on maternity leave! Utter rubbish, you both brought a child into the world and therefore both need to care for it.

If the man is working full time that's 9-6, the mum is "working" full time too with the baby but that is 12-12 - why is her full time shift so much longer than the man's?!

Your DH needs to pull his finger out and look after his child, he may be tired but so are you. We share bedtime so that one person gets some quiet times, we do the same with getups so that one person gets a lie in. When my baby was younger I would go to bed early and DH would be on baby duty until 1am ish and then we would swop, so we both got a full chunk of sleep. This can be harder when breastfeeding (I expressed) but as you are FF there is no excuse for not sharing the load.

If your DH is a brain surgeon or something similar then that's different, otherwise why should he be well rested and you be exhausted! Ask him why he thinks that's fair.

I'm surprised by some of the responses, you need some unbroken sleep too or you will break, irrespective of whether you're at home or at work. You still need to be able to function. When mine were little dh did before midnight and I went to bed early, like 8pm, with earplugs in.

Sorry, just seen you said DP not DH - apologies.

Also seen he doesn't dl anything around the house - again, this is not OK! What are you getting out of this relationship?

@Indecisivelurcher

I'm surprised by some of the responses, you need some unbroken sleep too or you will break, irrespective of whether you're at home or at work. You still need to be able to function. When mine were little dh did before midnight and I went to bed early, like 8pm, with earplugs in.

Agree. Sleep is essential for everyone whether or not they're working or on maternity leave.

Our situation is a bit different as DP works away for 2 weeks then is home for 2 weeks but the 2 weeks he is away and I am alone with our nearly 3 month old it is really hard so you have my sympathy!

To be honest during the week when he's working I think it is fair that you do the night feeds. He could be helping more on his days off though. My DP doesn't wake to the baby crying during the night so even when he's on his time off I still do the night feeds but he then gets up with the baby in the morning and I stay in bed for a few hours to let me get a few hours undisturbed. I felt guilty at first sleeping until 12/1 but I needed the rest too.

You could try that on his days off so you're still getting some sleep, it makes the nights easier too knowing that you'll be getting some sleep at the end of them.
For the during the night bottles, our baby is on comfort milk too so I've got a TT prep machine next to my bed so I don't need to wait for bottles to cool.
If you don't want to do that could you keep a flask of boiled water and a flask of cooked boiled water and use them to make bottles during the night so not having to wait for them to cool. Or before going to bed, make up bottles and keep them in the fridge so that during the night it's just a case of warming it up which just takes a couple mins so he won't fall back asleep.

For the housework etc, don't worry about it during the week, you have a baby to look after and it can be exhausting. Just do what you can and you and your DH can tackle it together on the weekends

Erm, he has said he won't be getting up?? No discussion, no joint problem solving about how to make sure you get some sleep while making sure he is OK for work. He doesn't help with anything else.I'd be seriously considering if this is how you want to live and whether you might be better going it alone.