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Original poster

Arrangements at night

58 replies

RoseA89 · 04/08/2021 23:41

Hi everyone,

I was wondering what arrangements you all have between yourself and DP/DH at night with a baby. My DS is almost 3 months old. He sleeps for very long stretches at night. However, since DP went back to work, he told me that he would not be getting up at night to do the feeding. I said I’d do it to let him get a good sleep for his work. However, I’m finding it quite difficult at the moment. I have to do the cleaning up (DP doesn’t do it at all), most of the cooking, looking after baby while DP is working (works 9-6 and often works later on) and then give DS his last bottle before bed as well as during the night. Is it just that I’m finding it hard or should this be split a bit more? I’m going back to work in December, so I don’t know what will happen then!

Thanks x

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Lou98 · 05/08/2021 07:04

Cooled boiled water, not cooked

Starjammer · 05/08/2021 07:05

Did he do any housework or cooking before baby? I swear some men seem to think having a baby means their life gets easier.

Blippibloppi · 05/08/2021 08:07

You lost me at doesn't do tidying up. Is your DP a baby?

DH has always done the last bottle of the night (at whatever time) so I could get in the shower/go to
bed at a decent time and then I usually do the wakes after about 1am. We've got two so if both of them wake at the same time he has to get up as well. We split the weekend mornings so we each get a decent lie in. We both do tidying, washing up, cooking, housework.

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DufferMum · 05/08/2021 08:09

I used to keep boiled water in sterilised bottles in the fridge, microwave it to the correct temperature and then add the formula. Very quick!

timeisnotaline · 05/08/2021 08:16

I've always done all of the night feeds with both of mine and I will do all of them once this one is born.
People say this but whether it’s reasonable depends 1000% on the baby. If like me it means you are lucky to get 2 hours sleep in a row ever for the first 6 months then obviously the dad should help!! (Mine didn’t and he knows it’s a marriage ending issue if he isn’t a different man this baby)

clickychicky · 05/08/2021 08:20

We assigned DH a shift in the night where he had to do an hour or less if baby went to sleep again.

So if baby woke between 12-3 he would have to get up. Slowly baby slept through so he was doing less and less naturally.

orangejuicer · 05/08/2021 08:21

We've always done shifts - while I was on mat leave and now that I'm at work and DP is a SAHD. Your DP needs to pull his weight. In the meantime, relax all non essential tasks and try to rest during the day even if you're unable to nap.

(At 3mo can you try a 20min nap while bab sleeps?)

clickychicky · 05/08/2021 08:21

Is he deliberately staying late at work so he gets out of doing housework etc? I mean loads of working parents have to juggle both.

clickychicky · 05/08/2021 08:22

Oh and it helped me to have 30 mins in the evening where I could have a bath/read a book and switch off while OP was on baby duty

mindutopia · 05/08/2021 12:33

There's absolutely no reason that one person needs 8+ hours of sleep while the other is running on fumes. Most of us can survive on less sleep than normal for a period of time, including people who are working in busy jobs. It sounds like he needs to suck it up, help out more, and drink loads of coffee just like millions of other working parents do. The reality is that babies continue to wake at night even as toddlers (and older), so if you plan to go back to work, there will come a time when you're both working and needing to nighttime parent and there will be no reason not to share the load.

One of you needs to go to bed early while the other takes the evening/early night shift of feeds and then switch, so the one who got a solid 4-5 hours of sleep then wakes up and does the feeds from 1/2am. Or alternatively, you both go to bed early and your dp gets up from 5am and gives you the chance to catch up on sleep until he leaves for work at 8am. With our one that was bottle fed, dh was up helping with nearly every feed (he made the bottle and I did the feed) until she dropped night feeds. He did this while working 60 hour weeks and managed just fine.

Bumblesbumbles · 05/08/2021 12:39

I breastfed so did all the night feeds. I feel you need more support- it sounds like you are on duty 24 hours a day without any help. It’s relentless and exhausting- he should totally help with cooking/washing/ looking after the baby when he returns home too

Original poster

RoseA89 · 05/08/2021 14:08

Thanks everyone. My partner WFH so after reading your replies, I think I’ll have a discussion with him about sharing more of the responsibilities. I’m a FTM so I appreciate all of your comments x

OP posts:

Bluejayway91 · 05/08/2021 15:23

Does your DP at least do night changes? I'm on maternity leave as well as do the night feeds. However, DH does night changes and comforts baby while I make his milk. It's been a great way of doing things.

I also do all the cooking (because I love to cook) and most of the cleaning. But when I'm doing this my husband takes our little one for a walk or plays with him.

I think your DP needs to pull his weight a bit more. If you're going back to work, does he expect you to do everything still?

Original poster

RoseA89 · 05/08/2021 15:41

@Bluejayway91 no he doesn’t, I change him and feed him during the night! I try to do the cleaning when baby naps and I make dinner for him finishing work and coming downstairs. He will take his turn with cooking though.
I did ask him what will happen when I go back to work. His response was that the baby will be sleeping though the night by then so I’ll be able to sleep.

OP posts:

physicskate · 05/08/2021 16:21

My daughter woke every hour until she was 15 months (from the four month sleep regression. I went back to work when she was about 10 months. I was ebf and slept in her room. It. Was. Relentless. Awful.

So sleeping through when you go back may be a pipe dream. He's playing you for a fool and he knows it. He's trying to get out of as much as possible.

Babyboomtastic · 05/08/2021 16:33

My eldest still wakes at night and she's 4
My youngest woke 5-15 times a night until. 18m, and then still 2-4 times until she was 2. Some babies learn to sleep well, but he's very naive if the thinks it won't be an issue when you are back working.

Anyway, working is not an excuse for him being lazy.

MrsRockAndRoll · 05/08/2021 16:39

Is your DH working from home as opposed to commuting? If so is there a habitual reason he is working 9-6 then extra hours on top?

NigellaSeed · 05/08/2021 16:39

Even Ds was small and I just did the night feeds, DP would get up with DS and give him breakfast and play with him and only come and wake me when it was time for his next feed. This was all before DP started work in the am but gave me a lie in.

Original poster

RoseA89 · 05/08/2021 17:01

@MrsRockAndRoll no, he has always WFH, even before the pandemic. I’ve said to him about his hours but apparently it’s the “nature of the job”. I do think he’s not doing enough but was wondering whether it was just me who was asking too much!

OP posts:

bleachblondemom · 05/08/2021 17:12

If he works from home so no commuting, and starts his work at 9am, why the hell can’t he get up at like 7am and do some stuff around the house? What time does he get up? When my DS was younger, our deal was that if he woke up any time after 5:30am then DH would do that feed because he would be getting up for work between 6 and half 6 anyway. DH has always done bath time as well because it’s his time to spend alone bonding with DS and he loves it.

Blippibloppi · 05/08/2021 18:02

His response was that the baby will be sleeping though the night by then so I’ll be able to sleep.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. What a joker.
You must be with him for his sense of humour.

Work is no excuse for him being a lazy bum.

MrsRockAndRoll · 05/08/2021 18:28

[quote RoseA89]@MrsRockAndRoll no, he has always WFH, even before the pandemic. I’ve said to him about his hours but apparently it’s the “nature of the job”. I do think he’s not doing enough but was wondering whether it was just me who was asking too much![/quote]
He's not being a partner/parent here at all. My almost 2 year old does not sleep through. My eldest slept through from 10 weeks and also had long naps. I now work from home 9-5. I previously commuted from 7.15-9am so now use the time I've gained to do housework.

So I'll empty the dishwasher before work, put on a washing and have a general tidy up. Lunchtime I vacuum and hang out the washing. I pick the kids up earlier as I have gained 60-70 mins with no end of day commute.

Has he realises life changes once there is a baby in the house!?

TiriCallie · 05/08/2021 21:00

Slightly different because I'm breastfeeding but for the first month my DH cooked, cleaned, all nappy changes and looked after me (difficult delivery). He also stayed up with me most of the night to offer emotional support - she didn't want to sleep in her bed for the first couple of months. Did all cooking until she was about 5 or 6 months when I started to do a bit. He probably now cooks once or twice a week and I do the rest - she's 7.5 months. We've let the house slide but I do laundry and vacuuming and he does dishwasher, bins etc. If he feels well (gets migraines) takes the baby in the morning on the weekend so I can go back to bed for an hour. DH is back in the office so I do bath time etc but if she wakes before we go to bed he will go up to try to soothe her. We take it in turns to flip her because she can roll one way and not the other. I definitely do more around the house and childcare but this is what works in our situation.

I will be breastfeeding until DD is one because of cmpa so I will continue to do any night wakings when I return to work (reducing to part time) but if I was bottle feeding I would expect DH to help on my work days if he was well.

billiebeeme · 05/08/2021 21:13

My dh wld do the late night feed at say 11pm or so. I'd actually end up in bed with our 2yr old about 8pm and then he'd come to bed and wake me up about 11.30/12 if he cldnt get her to settle bk down to sleep. I'd then do a night feed and get up in the morning with the toddler. He'd do the night feed at wkends or let me get a lie in until lunch time.

Ur man needs a kick up the arse tbh. Some men do as little as possible. My dh wld def do a lot less if I let him but I don't. I'm like, right ur turn to do her nappy, can u bath them or are u getting their pjs and stuff ready for when they get out. Who are u taking tonight (we both take 1 each). B

AegonT · 06/08/2021 19:18

I do night feeds as I'm breastfeeding but also I want my husband to have good sleep before he goes to work (teacher). He does all the cooking and cleaning and except at night changes nappies and does baths. My second baby is sleeping great so it's ok for me. My first baby was a terrible sleeper but did sleep through at 11 months.

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