Nursing a toddler

[BrownEyedSquirrel]

I've chosen to nurse my toddler until at least 2. It's right for us and, frankly, DS wouldn't have it any other way. Total boob monster. He's now 20 months.
Due to COVID, I've had limited experience of nursing around others.
I've had 2 negative experiences this week that have left a sour taste in my mouth.

A good friend was over and when DS asked to be nursed she made a face and told me he was "too old" now he can ask for it. I laughed it off.
Today, another friend acted funny when DS wanted to be nursed after he tripped and grazed his knee when out on a walk.

Neither friends have children; I'm not sure if this is relevant.

Is it really that weird to nurse your own child simply because they're walking and talking? What's the "acceptable" cut off age and why?

AIBU to think that those who don't like it can keep their opinions to themselves?

I'm feeling really self conscious about nursing him when out and about now, but I don't want to feel that way.

People can be weird, but if it's not their boob it's not their business. The who and NHS both recommended breastfeeding until 2 (and beyond), so you know your doing your best for your child, and that's what matters.

Unfortunately people are always going to have their own opinions on BF and what age you should stop. Take no notice, the 'acceptable' age is whatever age suits you and your child.

Feeding babies is one thing that people always think they can express their opinion about. I chose not to BF my DS for a few reasons and people are just as vocal about that.

As long as your child is happy and healthy, carry on doing what you're doing, ignore unwanted opinions

I agree, people can be weird about it, but it's completely normal. More than most people realise feed well into the toddler years. My own DS fed until he self weaned at three and a half.

Unfortunately you may encounter comments, I know I did, but you end up growing a really thick skin. You are doing what is right for you and your toddler, which is amazing.

People aren’t used to seeing extended breastfeeding in the UK, they seem to baulk at anything past 6 months! It’s like all this pressure to breastfeed when you’re pregnant and then you hit 6 months and suddenly everyone is asking when you’re stopping. It’s mad.

As above, the WHO recommends breastfeeding to at least 2 years and if that’s working well for you and your child, that’s wonderful. And those are the only opinion that matter - you and your child. Well done for getting this far, breastfeeding can be so hard.

And yes, the fact your friends don’t have children probably impacts on their preconceived ideas about what breastfeeding should look like.

As for feeding in public, sadly I doubt this is the last time you’ll get comments or looks. So you’re either going to decide you don’t feel comfortable feeding in public and put some rules in place. Or, my preferred option, is grow a thicker skin and cheerfully tell people to mind their own business!

I fed DS2 until 20 months but I’ll be honest I felt pretty self conscious about it by the end. I wouldn’t do it in public. Past around 1 year I think it makes a majority of people uncomfortable, rightly or wrongly (I mean… definitely wrongly… but I still kept feeding past a year to myself to avoid awkwardness).

I fed DD until 23m but not on demand. By 23m it was morning on waking and evening just before bed only, unless she was unwell in which case I'd feed her in the night.

I last fed her in public when she was about 13m and realised I felt slightly self conscious so didn't feed out and about after that.

Before having my 3 kids I had never seen anyone breastfeeding in person so I didn’t really know what to do with myself when a friend was feeding her newborn. She probably thought I was trying to make her feel bad or judging.

I’ve since fed all of mine and still feeding the youngest 2 (3.5 & 10 months) and wouldn’t think anything of feeding in front of friends.

Don’t take any notice, people think all sorts about parenting until they have kids!

They would hate me, I still occasionally feed my 4 year old! I do remember my son being two and my mum saying if people knew you still breastfed they would laugh at you 😕

Unfortunately its one of those things a lot of people have opinions on, but their opinion shouldn't affect what you choose to do with your child and your body and, if you feel you can, then I would try talking to them to help them understand why their opinion should be kept to themselves (or changed).

Before I had kids I had never met someone with a baby or toddler breastfeeding, and I had the opinion that babies shouldn't be breastfed past a year or so, that it was "weird" if they could ask for milk and so on. Well, I fed my first until she was nearly 3 and my second is 1.5 and showing no sign of stopping. I just didn't really understand what I was talking about. On the other hand, whatever my opinion, I never would have said something to a mum of a breastfeeding toddler as its none of my business!

Thank you all, your replies have been really helpful and reassuring.

To be fair, before DS I never gave much through to BF and it's possible I'd have reacted similarly as you just don't see many toddlers doing it. It does make me feel like I want to normalise it and BF outside all the time; not sure I'm quite brave enough for this though!

My youngest has just turned 2 and now I only feed in the house, partly due to feeling comfortable and partly so she doesn’t feed all the time - we reduced feeding out and about over the lockdown winter when it was too cold for me to get my boobs out outside. Like a PP says if someone questions it then say raise the NHS and WHO say you should should breast feed for a minimum of 2 years.

It's quite unusual in the UK to feed past a year. I also got weird reactions to it. I fed my first baby until 4. He's now 12 and super awesome so it clearly didn't do him any harm!

I found feigning surprise at their reactions the best thing to do.

I had my second in Germany, fed until he was almost 3 and didn't ever have anyone bat an eyelid. Even people I would have expected not to approve (childless, older generation, etc).

But to be perfectly honest before I had children I didn't even know you could breastfeed past about 9 months. I thought that's when they got teeth and you had to stop.

I’ll be honest (because I think you are getting a skewed set of answers here and that’s not what you will encounter in real life) - seeing that would make me uncomfortable and a bit squeamish. I’m not sure I can articulate why. I breastfed DD1 til around 14 months but by that stage it was only at night for comfort really so I didn’t ever have to do it in public.

For the record I completely support your right to breastfeed as long as you want but you certainly will cause people to look twice, feel uncomfortable or go and snigger to their friends and some may be rude enough to say something to your face. You need to either grow a thick skin and ignore the stares or just do the breastfeeding in your own private space.

Also I think I assumed that once they started food it was the goal to stop BF as quickly as possible - I didn't understand why you'd carry on.

Now that I have the experience of it I do try to normalise it by sharing pictures of my older nurslings etc (at least up to about 12/18 months, I probably wouldn't share a picture of a 3/4 year old) and talking about him feeding or decisions about feeding.

I fed my first till 3.5 years but after 12 months it was only first thing in the morning and at bedtime (just bedtime after 24 months) so I no longer fed in public. When I stayed at my in laws and fed my toddler they were rude about it at first but then after a while just ignored it and stopped pressuring me to stop. I ignored them. Basically most people don't know much about breastfeeding and although natural it is unusual in this country to breastfeed a toddler. But you shouldn't feel bad. If I saw you feeding your toddler at the park I'd smile and be grateful you we helping to normalise it.

Oh my god, cringing at PPs feeding a four year old! That school age, do you go in at break time?!

I think contrary to some answers you’ve got here it is not the norm in the UK to feed a child 2+ so I don’t think your friends were being unreasonable at all and if you’re going to continue you’re going to need to develop a thicker skin!

Interesting replies, thanks all.

For PP who mentioned that they thought BFing would naturally stop once baby starts eating food, I totally get this and probably thought the same too. I didn't give any thought to the other benefits of nursing (calms DS down, helps to get him to sleep, bonding time etc) and thought it was simply a way of supplying nutrition.

I was on a flight this morning and nursed DS as we landed. The woman in front stood up to disembark and didn't bat an eyelid at us. She was very friendly and jokingly told me she wished she could still keep her kids quiet on the plane like that. People like this make me feel less so much less awkward about it!

No I don’t “go in at lunch time” as she’s not in school till September 🙄 I don’t feed in front of people or outside as she hasn’t required that for quite a few years now. I actually don’t care what people think so you haven’t offended me if that was the aim!

Hey OP ! It's definitely not something I'd do myself, and I'd probably think to myself that if I was you I'd have stopped long ago. But I would never say anything as I think breastfeeding involves the opinions of two people only, the feeder and the feedee. If both are happy that's no one else's business.

What I might feel a bit judgy about is nursing because your DS had fallen - I've always felt that food shouldn't be used as emotional comfort. Doesn't matter whether it's the breast or a biscuit or a bottle of juice - if my DC grazes his knee I'd give him a hug, not food. That said I still wouldn't say anything because it's your prerogative to raise your child as you see fit.

People react poorly no matter what the age of the child being breastfed. You may not have gotten to experience people reacting poorly at the infant stage, but they definitely do and it helps you to develop a bit of an attitude. You are doing the best thing possible for your child. You are also setting a good example for other women who might some day choose to become mothers themselves.

Dd breastfed until 3. I was ready to be done at that point and I knew dd could handle the transition so we stopped. It’s a cooperative arrangement. If either one of you decides to stop, you stop. If your child outgrows it, he will let you know.

@Winemewhynot

Oh my god, cringing at PPs feeding a four year old! That school age, do you go in at break time?!

I think contrary to some answers you’ve got here it is not the norm in the UK to feed a child 2+ so I don’t think your friends were being unreasonable at all and if you’re going to continue you’re going to need to develop a thicker skin!

Why would you be cringing at a child bf at a normal age? Instead of the OP developing 'thicker skin' shouldn't the judgemental twats just not be twats?

Natural weaning age for humans is between 4 -7 years. That's when milk teeth (called as such for a reason!) start to fall out.

It's not that common to see older todders/children bfing but plenty do. There are some fb support groups I've found really helpful, more just as a kind of reassurance that it is perfectly normal considering you don't see it very often.

:o no, why would you be breastfeeding at school?

By the time they are that age they really only want to feed at times like bedtime, illness, perhaps injury or extreme emotional distress although IME my children found other ways to cope with those things before they stopped breastfeeding. It's nothing like feeding a younger child. I think sometimes people don't really understand this and picture older children continuing feed patterns like an infant.

It was a bit like using a buggy. When they were tiny we did it all the time, wouldn't have questioned it as they couldn't walk. As they learn to walk you start to attempt short trips without the buggy and more and more you find that you're bringing it but don't use it. Eventually it's only used for really really long trips or exceptionally tired days, and then one of those days you realise you haven't used it even for that purpose any more and you know that time of your life is over and get rid of the buggy.

Or some people decide that the buggy is taking up too much space and their child is perfectly capable of walking, and decide to force the issue by selling it or putting it away.

Stopping breastfeeding with an older child is much the same. There are times that they need it and times that they really don't and over time, the types of occasions they need/want it for diminish until it is a very low number.

The very first time I breastfed DC1 in public in cafe, I remember talking to my DH about how I would cope feeding her in the toilet. A group of old ladies came over and said ‘you won’t! It is a totally normal thing to feed your baby and you deserve to do it in comfort!’ Their encouragement gave my confidence such a boost. I fed DC1 to 2yo and DC2 until 3yo. When I was feeding DC2 on the side of a swimming pool when he was 2.5yo another mum swam over to say thank you for giving her the confidence to keep feeding her baby in public. She then asked questions about extended feeding. It is so important we continue to normalise feeding in public.

@pumpkinKING Perfect reply to a rude message. I literally don't understand the issue with BFing an older child. It's quite obviously something both mum and child are happy to do so why the judgement?

With regards feeding in public, I'm a bit on the fence now. Realising I'm likely to get some negative attention and verbal criticism has thrown me. I want to normalise nursing a toddler. I don't want to feel judged or different. Stupid society!

Tbf you aren’t ‘feeding’ him, he’s using it as comfort for any upset. Maybe find other ways for him to be soothed.