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Parenting

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Original poster

Is this too harsh punishment for 6.5 year old?

80 replies

Googleboxfan · 23/07/2021 12:07

DD6 was naughty last night, hitting and not doing what she was told.
This morning tried talking to her to tell her her behaviour was unacceptable last night and because of this, as a consequence she will not go to the climbing wall with her friend as arranged.
Again hitting and throwing cushions at me. I warned her by saying if this behaviour continues she will not go horse riding tomorrow either.

Again she continued and I warned if behaviour continues she won't go to the park after school with her friends (there's going to be a big get together with parents etc)

Is this all too harsh. I know I will get resistance from her but I don't want further bad behaviour from her.

Shall I keep to my decision or shall I say if I see good behaviour this evening you can go to horse riding tomorrow?

OP posts:

ComDummings · 23/07/2021 12:11

It’s a tough one, because you’ve escalated it to taking a LOT away which for a 6 year old doesn’t really give them an incentive to behave. Being consistent and following through is so important but so is making ‘punishments’ reasonable, it’s hard to get a balance. I think you’ve taken so much away that being able to earn things back with good behaviour is a good idea because as it stands you child has no incentive to behave right now.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 23/07/2021 12:13

Will her friend have to miss out on the climbing wall too?

CorrieALanus · 23/07/2021 12:13

Wrong way round really. If you see good behaviour, she can do xyz would be a better approach and more likely to succeed IMO.

MildredPuppy · 23/07/2021 12:13

Why was she misbehaving in the first place?

LakeShoreD · 23/07/2021 12:14

I’d probably tell her that good behaviour can earn it back. Then in future I’d focus on more immediate punishments like loss of screen time that evening for example. The trouble is, once you’ve pulled out the big guns and told her future trips are cancelled then she has little insensitive to behave better. Also, is there a particular cause or trigger for her behaviour like being tired or hungry that you can try to pre empt?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/07/2021 12:16

If shes being violent she doesn't get to go anywhere. Hitting is totally unacceptable and if you give in she will know she can get away with that behaviour.

AddsVsGeorgs · 23/07/2021 12:20

Hitting is not on

She has to learn nice things will be taken away

If she ‘earns it back’ by being ‘nice’

You are basically telling her that she can hit you, but as long as shes good after, it will all be ok and she can do fun things

You warned her, she carried on.

I would personally keep to what you have said

TerritorialPissings · 23/07/2021 12:22

I don’t see this as too harsh, because I’d rather try and stop the aggression now. Obviously if missing out does not lead to improvement in her behaviour, then you can always try something else, but this is absolutely not an unreasonable place to start.

Iusedtobethin · 23/07/2021 12:23

I don’t think it is necessarily harsh but I’m not sure it will be effective. I think it will make her resentful, angry and frustrated and this will obviously perpetuate the problems.

nimbuscloud · 23/07/2021 12:25

I was reading your other thread earlier about the difficulties with your dw. Do you think your dd is picking up on the tensions and is lashing out as a result?

Original poster

Googleboxfan · 23/07/2021 12:27

@nimbuscloud

I was reading your other thread earlier about the difficulties with your dw. Do you think your dd is picking up on the tensions and is lashing out as a result?

I don't think so. We've had problems with her hitting since she was 3 😔

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 23/07/2021 12:28

Do you understand why she’s behaving like this, you talk about her behaviour and your punishments but you don’t talk about the cause, understanding your child.

I’d also say good behaviour can earn it back, you’re creating a miserable little girl there, and if she’s in a home with other issues, then it’s understandable she’s struggling.

BeenThruMoreThanALilBit · 23/07/2021 12:29

At this point, you have to stick with it BUT the main thing is to make sure she truly understands what she’s being punished for. Is it hitting? Being naughty? Answering back?

You have to talk to her when she’s calm and receptive about WHY she’s been punished. And you have to explain to her that hitting doesn’t automatically equal treats taken away (what if it’s in self-defence?). It’s that she did something wrong, she was told to stop, told again (hopefully) and she went ahead with it. You have to explain why you told her to stop, ie why hitting is bad, and why you’re punishing her by taking away fun things (ie so that she remembers in future what happens if she doesn’t listen).

Soubriquet · 23/07/2021 12:30

I think it’s a little harsh as now she’s probably thinking “well, everything else is gone, I’ve got nothing left, I may as well keep going”

Shelovesamystery · 23/07/2021 12:31

A 6yo shouldn't be hitting. Toddlers hit, then they learn, by 6 they should definitely have learned that hitting is completely unacceptable. My punishments for hitting would be harsh at that age, I think that losing fun activities is not too OTT in this situation.

Knittedfairies · 23/07/2021 12:31

If you take everything away from her, she has no incentive to improve her behaviour; may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb and all that. Award her good behaviour ( 🤞) this evening and let her go horse riding tomorrow.

YelloYelloYello · 23/07/2021 12:34

It’s poorly timed so won’t necessarily be effective. Consequences are better if they come immediately after the action. Otherwise it’s hard for her, at 6, to link the two together.

Also I agree with all the PP who say she needs to also see incentives and be rewarded for good behaviour.

scully29 · 23/07/2021 12:37

So I would take her aside and give her a hug and explain that you know that sometime things are hard and we find things difficult (like whatever it was she was supposed to have been doing) and you feel that way too sometimes, we all do, type thing, deal with the emotional overload of it all.

Then say that hitting is just completely not ok, not ok at all. Explain that she cant go to the climbing or the ponies now as you cant trust her not to hit her friends or the pony, which would just not be ok at all. At all, stress this. And that you need to be sure that she knows never to hit before you book things in for her again, and that dont worry you know its hard and she is just learning. Then say lets see if we can try again, take a second chance at all this and see if you can learn how is ok to behave, you can do it, your awesome at loads of things, I know you can be good at this too, kind of thing.

Explain again hitting is not ok as it hurts and that kind of thing, and that if you are annoyed and finding things too much next time you can deal with it in different ways - asking for a hug or going to take some quiet peaceful time etc. Something she can do to redirect that emotion.

So would make it clear that hitting is just not ok. But shes learning and may need support and you can do it together. See how she is and perhaps making the park a second chance maybe? I think you did the right thing to say you cant go to these places, as until shes learnt not to hit how can she?

PutYourBackIntoit · 23/07/2021 12:39

Going against the grain a bit here but kids do hit, it's not exceptional behaviour. They do so when they can't express their anger in other ways.
Can you teach her that what she is feeling is anger, and safe ways to express it (stamping, shouting 'I'm angry!' etc)
I think all the punishments are too harsh and personally would change them. It may be a good way to start talking and naming feelings. I.e mummy was feeling cross too and sometimes when we're cross we make decisions we want to change.....

BTW my dd (adhd diagnosed at 12) expressed all negative emotions as anger. Sadness, frustration, pain, the whole lot came out as aggression.

N4ish · 23/07/2021 12:39

I think it's too harsh and as someone said above I don't think it will be effective. You could end up ratcheting up the punishments and just ending up in constant battles.

It's the end of term after a very strange year for school children, could she be exhausted and lashing out as a result? I'm not excusing hitting at all by the way, I'm just not sure punishments like the ones you're suggesting are the way to deal with it.

Jailbreak42 · 23/07/2021 12:39

It's hard to say TBH. How do you manage the hitting and fighting at the time? Is she punished at the time? Do you talk calmly to her or shout at her and escalate the situation? Is she given time and space to calm down? Or is she expected to calm down with people shouting calm down at her. Why does she hit? What are you doing to find out if you don't know?

Personally, I think knowing my own kids at this age, you are being harsh. Mine don't respond to this kind of punishment. Mine respond to being given space and time to calm down.

I don't want to come across as putting the boot in because I know threads like this can turn into lots of smug MN saying my kid never hits. But at this point, the threat of removing one event hasn't changed her behaviour. So it does sound like you've kind of let it escalate ridiculously now. Again with no obvious change in behaviour.

You need to sit down and talk to her. Again, based on my own kids, I know my six year old is capable of talking about whats going on once he's calmed down.

MildredPuppy · 23/07/2021 12:40

Its complex isnt it. Im very much a believer in not making threats you wont follow through which leaves you stuck.
But i also know how things can quickly escalate and you find yourself saying 'no this' and actually without meaning to us parents often escalate a situation by how we respond yet the child gets the punishment.
If this is an ongoing issue with hitting you need to have a set consequence so you dont panic and say you cant have ice cream until you are 22.

Maybe immediatley say no hitting it hurts and walking away for a few minutes and think of something simple you can do like no screen time.
There are lots of good books to read about hitting /anger so it might be good to read those with her.

Jailbreak42 · 23/07/2021 12:40

@PutYourBackIntoit

Going against the grain a bit here but kids do hit, it's not exceptional behaviour. They do so when they can't express their anger in other ways. Can you teach her that what she is feeling is anger, and safe ways to express it (stamping, shouting 'I'm angry!' etc) I think all the punishments are too harsh and personally would change them. It may be a good way to start talking and naming feelings. I.e mummy was feeling cross too and sometimes when we're cross we make decisions we want to change.....

BTW my dd (adhd diagnosed at 12) expressed all negative emotions as anger. Sadness, frustration, pain, the whole lot came out as aggression.

This is excellent advice!

MildredPuppy · 23/07/2021 12:44

That is good advicd PutYourBackIntoit
Particularly the way to back out of the 3 punishments

Jailbreak42 · 23/07/2021 12:44

Also, can I just say It sounds like she has a hell of a lot going on for a six year old. She's still in school? Are you in the UK? It's bloody boiling and She's been in school all day. She'll be knackered! Then she's off horse riding, wall climbing and somewhere else!

Mine are absolutely exhausted after a week of school. How about a relaxed weekend doing nothing at home so she can rest? No wonder the poor thing is lashing out.

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