Is this too harsh punishment for 6.5 year old?

[Googleboxfan]

DD6 was naughty last night, hitting and not doing what she was told.
This morning tried talking to her to tell her her behaviour was unacceptable last night and because of this, as a consequence she will not go to the climbing wall with her friend as arranged.
Again hitting and throwing cushions at me. I warned her by saying if this behaviour continues she will not go horse riding tomorrow either.

Again she continued and I warned if behaviour continues she won't go to the park after school with her friends (there's going to be a big get together with parents etc)

Is this all too harsh. I know I will get resistance from her but I don't want further bad behaviour from her.

Shall I keep to my decision or shall I say if I see good behaviour this evening you can go to horse riding tomorrow?

She had cake. Didn't eat her tea. Then went to cupboard to get more cake and an Oreo yogurt. Told her she couldn't have both and had to choose
So cake, no proper food, then more sugar. I’d her diet always like that? Not trying to be judgemental, mine certainly don’t have a perfect diet, but too much sugar can negatively impact children’s behaviour. Studies have actually shown it can increase aggressive behaviour. Might be worth thinking about overhauling her diet and seeing if that helps.

Is she adopted OP? Totally different situation then, come over to the adoption board and start again? You know then that you need complete non shaming and to stay away from all the ideas of sticker charts, rewards and definitely thinking/naughty steps. You need your Therapeutic parenting hat on and work on your PACE approach. be gentle, bring her in, take time in if shes finding it hard to regulate, defo dont walk away from her, be playful, be accepting, be curious and be empathetic.
With the difference in parenting approach re meals speak to your partner and maybe put down written rules, make these written so you can all see them to you can see them. Inside your cupboard where she cant see them put in reminders to yourself of what to do & say when these things happen, this works wonders! Like ' Lets start over shall we', 'I wonder if you need a hug', 'Lets have a second chance at that' etc etc.
When she had the choice between 2 puddings she was overwelmed and lashed out. You need to bring her in and sit with her until she can calm down, she needs help with this, she is learning. She cant cope with being told off on top of a decision like that, it was already too much.
She needs to learn hitting is not ok - it is a natural consequence not to ride a pony if she hits, thats literally dangerous, you dont need to go back on that, but to work on a new approach for the future. And you can always ask for support if shes adopted they are there to support you. Its so hard and you need support and time for self care so you can really help her learn this stuff while shes little.

@scully29

Is she adopted OP? Totally different situation then, come over to the adoption board and start again? You know then that you need complete non shaming and to stay away from all the ideas of sticker charts, rewards and definitely thinking/naughty steps. You need your Therapeutic parenting hat on and work on your PACE approach. be gentle, bring her in, take time in if shes finding it hard to regulate, defo dont walk away from her, be playful, be accepting, be curious and be empathetic. With the difference in parenting approach re meals speak to your partner and maybe put down written rules, make these written so you can all see them to you can see them. Inside your cupboard where she cant see them put in reminders to yourself of what to do & say when these things happen, this works wonders! Like ' Lets start over shall we', 'I wonder if you need a hug', 'Lets have a second chance at that' etc etc. When she had the choice between 2 puddings she was overwelmed and lashed out. You need to bring her in and sit with her until she can calm down, she needs help with this, she is learning. She cant cope with being told off on top of a decision like that, it was already too much. She needs to learn hitting is not ok - it is a natural consequence not to ride a pony if she hits, thats literally dangerous, you dont need to go back on that, but to work on a new approach for the future. And you can always ask for support if shes adopted they are there to support you. Its so hard and you need support and time for self care so you can really help her learn this stuff while shes little.

Yes. She's adopted bless her. We are getting support from a therapist. We will get through this for her

@SmidgenofaPigeon

Don’t ‘help’ her choose. Say it’s x or x and if she screams for both or doesn’t decide she gets neither.

Doesn't work if they've an anxiety around it. I've one who struggles with choice and decisions and that response just devastates him. It's not that simple. I wish it was.

She needs to learn hitting is not ok - it is a natural consequence not to ride a pony if she hits

I completely disagree. Not riding a pony is NOT a natural consequence of hitting your mum during a tantrum about cake. (Not riding would be a natural consequence if she had a tantrum at the stables or anywhere near a horse). What happened here took place in a different time, different setting with different people. Punishing her at a later time with unrelated consequence could reinforce the deep- seated feeling of shame that it's not the original behaviour that was bad, but the child herself who is somehow bad or naughty. Delaying punishment until a day or several days later means the dc can never make amends, feel forgiven or get over her guilt/shame because it's being repeatedly brought back.

Stopping her going to a class meet up with friends is an even more shame-inducing unhelpful consequence. It gives a strong message to her that she is a bad person who isn't good enough to play with other dc even if she's being good and happy.

had cake. Didn't eat her tea. Then went to cupboard to get more cake and an Oreo yogurt. Told her she couldn't have both and had to choose. Then tantrum

In this situation obviously the natural consequence is no cake OR Oreo yoghurt. Natural consequence for hitting mum is Ow that hurt, I'm taking a bit of time apart from you. That means we can't now watch TV together/ have a story (or whatever was going to happen immediately after the tantrum)

@Googleboxfan, as an adoptive mum OP, you'll know that many of the common parenting techniques of rewards and consequences often don't work with adoptive children. I guess that delayed consequences is one of these.

I hope you all feel better today.