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Original poster

Why are bad kids favoured at school???

80 replies

MrsSnape · 26/11/2007 19:22

I'm so angry. My son has been bullied by a kid in his year for the past 2 years. He's the "most popular" kid in the class and his family are known trouble causers...hence when he does anything wrong the teachers are wary about approaching his mother.

Anyway, he doesn't only bully my son, he's been bullying another kid at the school for the past 2 years and has recently moved onto DS's friend (another quiet one) and started a fight with my DS on friday. Today he tried to trip DS up again and start another fight.

Yet, who is it that is always up in the achievement assemblys? Who is it that was chosen for the school council? who is it that always gets the best parts in the plays?

Probably sounds like sour grapes but why are these kinds of kids always favoured by the teachers when they make life hell for the quieter kids that DO behave??

OP posts:
TellusMater · 26/11/2007 20:22

Well, I don't think teachers do tend to favour children who behave badly. Why would we? Because, frankly, they don't make our lives any easier.

We may however try positive reinforcement of appropriate behaviour, and as MB says, that can sometimes look from outside.

My ds is hopeless at getting himself organised and in and out of clothes. So in year 1, one of his targets was to get himself dressed after PE. He got a point if he managed it. Now obviously other 5 year olds can do this without much bother, but I hope no-one thought they were hard done by when ds got a point for it and they didn't.

Bullying is serious. Talk to the school. But focus on that, and not whether the child in question is on the School Council.

hildegard · 26/11/2007 20:23

I am sure that the OP has never actually called the child in question 'bad' in rl, although it was an unfortunately worded OP perhaps.

hatrick · 26/11/2007 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
MrsSnape · 26/11/2007 20:25

Ok maybe I shouldn't have called him "bad" but I was in a rush (picking kids up from karate) so wrote it out without too much thought.

My issue was never about who had the most computer games, that WOULD be childish...the point I was making was that he is not one of these kids that is neglected and "goes hungry" so to speak so it's not as if he has a bad life at home which would explain his behaviour.

And yes, my concern is with my own child's safety and happiness which would be fine if it wasn't for this one kid so of course I'm going to feel a little bitter about that.

OP posts:
roisin · 26/11/2007 20:30

MB - slightly off topic - do you know any details of the 'assertiveness training' your school uses?

Blandmum · 26/11/2007 20:32

The thing is though, Mrs Snape is that while he might well be indulged in material terms, he may very well lack positive, supportive parenting in terms of his behaviour.

Having lots of cash doesn't make you automatically a good parent. And having lots of games doesn't automatically make you a happy child.

I've worked with lots of kids who have the 'best of everything' but are still horribly driven to get adult attention, even negative attention, by poor behavior. because their parents buy them stuff and then ignore them.

None of this excuses bullying, which is a serious issue. But it is often a reason for the bullying

Blandmum · 26/11/2007 20:33

they get refered via Camhs

far too long a wait for it, but that is a whole differemt thread

Peachy · 26/11/2007 20:35

Please don't think (OP) that this is always the case- my ds1 is probably the most difficult child in his year due to ASD, and he never gets anya chievement awards even if he tries ten times ahrder than anyone else, as he ahs been albelled bad I think. There's a thread in Sn explaining what he's going through atm. I kinda understand your perspective because the child bullying him (or leading it) has a terrible rep where nothing is done, but thats because of a terrible homelife Iwouldnt wish on anyone- so afaics there's 2 victims in this, and not a 'bad' kid in sight!

Original poster
MrsSnape · 26/11/2007 20:42

I can see both sides as my youngest son plays up alot at school to the point where I had to take him to a behavioural expert (for what good it did) BUT his bad behaviour never upset or hurt the other kids (in contrast he actually makes them laugh and provides them with entertainment ) and he NEVER gets rewarded, even when he does have a good day.

OP posts:
Tortington · 26/11/2007 20:44

at my kids school its the parents who are part of the pta who have children that always get the good parts to play in everything. same virgin frickin mary all through juniour school - head of PTA daughter quell surprise.

so i dontt hink that the experiences of the op are across the board

Blandmum · 26/11/2007 20:44

I think that you have every right to raise that issue with his teachers. I don't think that you have the right to comment on how they are chosing to work with another child IYSWIM. If for no other reason, that they may well have confidential information on that child that you don't know about.

Blandmum · 26/11/2007 20:45

Custy, 'PTA mum in Virgin Mary Shocker!' read all about it on page 5

Greensleeves · 27/11/2007 00:22

Twig......it was only a lighthearted , I was just being curmudgeonly because I hardly seem to agre with anyone these days.

Desiderata - if you're calling me a bully, where's the evidence? I am forthright and have strong views, I think, but not a bully. I certainly prefer that appproach to being a universally fence-sitting poisonous passive-aggressive tosser with no real loyalties but a penchant for exploiting people's weaknesses. Much healthier IMO.

seeker · 27/11/2007 05:03

If the same child really has been Mary every year then I think you should talk to the Head.

slim22 · 27/11/2007 05:30

Very interseting post.

As everyone lse here I read all about positive reinforcement when DS hit terrible twos and been enforcing ever since.

But wtf is wrong with time out/withdrawal of privilege/etc... to sanction blatantly bad behaviour like hitting another child/bullying?
You would do it at home. why not enforce that in school?

Bouncingturtle · 27/11/2007 06:27

MrsSnape has come on here with a genuine grevience and for advice about her child being bullied, and you lot are arguing over semantics? Yes, poorly phrase title but I guess allowances should be made for the fact she seems very upset by this whole issue.
MrsSnape - your ds and his friend have my sympathy. I don't buy all that crap that people are spouting about this bully, about how material goods being substituted for good parenting constitutes as an excuse for this bully to act the way he does. I was bullied at school by a bunch of girls who came from much more priviledged backgrounds than me who thought I was fair game because I was bright, wore glasses and my dad had left my mum. Two of the girls had parents who were governers so fuck all got done when my mum tried to complain.
They had no excuse for bullying me, they were just an bunch of spoilt, little bitches who thought they were better than everyone else and that the school wouldn't touch them because of who their parents were.
It sounds to me that this boy is a bully because his mum is. He certainly should not be rewarded for any achievements until he starts to learn that his bullying behaviour is unacceptable. I would definitely take it up with the head, and get the other kids' parents to do the same. If that doesn't get anywhere go to the LEA.

Furball · 27/11/2007 06:59

someone posted This website last week. It teaches tools to your children to stop the bullies.

Blandmum · 27/11/2007 07:11

Bounceingturtle. I specifically said that having material things etc did not excuse the bullying, if you read my message.

We also don't know that the school doesn't use sanctions. It would be a very rare school if it didn't.

They may not be being used well, but that is an issue to raise with the school.

I've yet to meet a teacher who activly 'favours' a badly behaved child, as others have said , they tend to make our lives more difficult.

And for what it was worth I was very badly bullied as a child. To the point of being hit over the head with an iron bar on one occasion. So I do know how dreadful it is.

The bullying is a very serious issue which should be sorted.

IsawKIMIkissingSantaClaus · 27/11/2007 07:16

MrsSnape I so know where you are coming from, My eldest DS had 4 years of his school life made hell by one nasty little boy from a bad family, but mummy had a job in the school daddy (when not off with some other woman) would go threaten the head and the "child" thought he could get away with anything.At no point did the school try to teach this "child" that what he was doing was not the norm.

The father came to our house kicking the door and F-ing away, I called the police, the father and his half brother came to the school and threatened to "have me done over" I called the police, the "child" beat my son up again and I called the police, so after having the father, half uncle and "child" arrested and the head master spoken to by the police the school did try to do something, "child" still thought he was god though, even told the head he was a gangster! (twiddles finger next to head emotioncon)

The "child" moved on to high school and went in with the big I am, and got the shit kicked out of him, so what goes around comes around, and although I was not in the least sad to hear this had happened (flame me I don't care) it might have been prevented if the school had not been such kiss arses to him.
But he was taught at home to be a thug, so what can you do.

Hugs to you and you son, sorry he is going through this.

Bouncingturtle · 27/11/2007 07:18

MB I quite agree, but others (not yourself) seem to make this an acceptable excuse.
The whole situation bears further investigation and MrsSnape defintely should be speaking to the parents of the other kids that are being bullied.

Tovik · 27/11/2007 07:27

i totally support mrs snape! can't believe she's being criticised here for sticking up for her child against a bully!

IsawKIMIkissingSantaClaus · 27/11/2007 07:51

I have no problem with sating he is bad, he is a bully and thats not good is it, I mean I bet you would all be so proud if it were your child being a bully...NO thought not, and some children are like some adults, not nice, bad, evil minded if some took off the rose tinted hug a hoodie specs then the real world is not a very nice place sometimes and there are BAD people of all ages in it.

IsawKIMIkissingSantaClaus · 27/11/2007 07:52

*saying

lizziemun · 27/11/2007 08:16

I agree with you IsawKIMIkissingSantaClaus, i get realy fedup with the PC brigrade we can't use this word or that label with children.

SOme children are bad as are some adults.

Anyway as to OP you answer your question in your post "He's the "most popular" kid in the class and his family are known trouble causers" that why he gets away with it.

2shoes · 27/11/2007 09:04

mrs snape you have my sympathy. ds was tormented by a bad kid in primary and the same boy tried to continue it in secondary. yes I will use the word bad as that is the only way to describe him. he had a settled home life(i knew his mum) and no sn.
I complained to the school repeatedly and so did other parents. nothing was ever done.
some kids are bad end of.
we were lucky and the school never rewarded his bad behaviour. if they had of done ds would have been out of that school like a shot.