Can a 10 week old be away from their mother for a weekend?

[pipko]

I need some advice. I have a 2 and a half month old/ 10 week old daughter and to say she is hard work would be an understatement. My daughters father and I are no longer together, we actually separated during my pregnancy. He is still in my daughters life, however, he lives 3 hours away from where my daughter and I stay. He is in England, I am in Scotland. He has only been able to visit her 4 times in 10 weeks due to work, Covid, accommodation and other circumstances. He makes it clear he wants to be in her life and is desperate for me to allow him to take her to his hometown for a weekend to give me a much needed break. I’ve continued to tell him that she can’t travel 3hrs and be away from me for a weekend as I feel she is too young and god forbid if something was to happen I’m 3 hours away!! However, recently I’ve been really struggling. I’m looking after her on my own. She has extreme acid reflux, a suspected cmpa and probably a good bit of colic as well. She is on Neocate formula and Omeprazole but nothing seems to be working. She is so extremely unsettled and scream cries for hours and hours. It’s inconsolable crying at this point, nothing soothes her. Not to mention she doesn’t sleep so neither do I. I’ve still not managed to get back to any kind of normality, working, trips out the house with her etc.. I am pretty much housebound with her, everyday is like Groundhog Day, I really don’t get a rest. I absolutely know this stage won’t last forever and it will get easier but when you’re in the midst of it, it’s hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel and a helping hand would be nice.
My question is- should I allow her father to have her for the weekend to give me a break? It means she would travel 3 hours / 1 and a half hour by train from me and stay with her father and his family over a weekend. Would that make me a bad mother? It’s not like he just lives round the corner, he is 3hrs away. I feel she only really knows me as she has only been with him 3/4 times in 10 weeks. But at the end of the day he is her father, I know he will look after her, he is willing to help and wants a relationship with her.. so is a 10 week old too young to be away for a weekend without their mother?

@Finknottlesnewt

I wouldn't have issue doing this with a ten week old.. BUT she is tricky, which makes a difference. The solution is for YOU to go to where he is going with the baby for the weekend and check in to a hotel there.

THREE birds with one stone here. Close in case of emergency. Two to share the journey. Your parents get a rest from the crying as well.

This is exactly what I was thinking as I read the replies. Wondering why no one else had suggested it!

I was gonna suggest an air bnb but actually, a hotel is better, if that's doable for you. You'd be close, and you'd also get a nice break. It sounds awfully stressful and I really hope you get that rest you desperately need.

If she was entirely well I'd say yes.

But she is so uncomfortable she is inconsolable and you think it is fair she travels on a train like that?

No she needs to be at home as comfortable as possible. He can come and stay in s nearby hotel and take her and she will be a short drive away.

Could you travel down to him every weekend for a month and then when you are at his step back and let him care for her, being there to teach him say for the first two weekends, but pretty much the next two he does alone, then let him come take her even overnight on his own for 2 more weekends, and you travel down and collect her those 2 weekends, but after that he comes gets her and does it himself,

But it the OP goes there then the OP still has to take an unwell baby on a 3 hour journey. Imagine being ill and on a train? Poor baby. Don't do it.

If you guys get in well enough, perhaps an Airbnb for the weekend half way (or part of the way) between your home's would be ideal. Obviously have your own room etc.

Hello again.
I'm so annoyed my post just deleted..
Righttio so tongue tie is such a complex thing, I just had a feeling!
Both mine had it and both reattached and had to have the snip 3 times. There is often residual tension/ discomfort in the child's head which may contribute to the crying, lack of sleep all the shit. The other thing usually not mentioned is the trauma for new mother from having this extremely distressed baby, but also from not being able to feed/ mother in the way you had imagined. I know! Been there got the t-shirt. It's like a type of grief and made me very anxious. A lactation consultant will be able to support your needs as well as reassess your baby as a reattached tie can also affect bottle feeding. I think I paid about £50 for consultation, why pit it off and suffer another month? Think how much more exhausted you might be then if nothing changes.
Health visitors just don't know enough about this - although they should!
Cranio sacral therapy can be very helpful to ease tension around the head and help with getting a bit of sleep. I completely didn't 'get' how this works as it's so gentle, but it does work. Miracles for some people.

Your expectations of getting any sort of normal life - I'd say 3/4 months is when things start feeling more doable, don't be in a rush, and don't compare yourself to other people who are getting out more. They may be collapsing in a heap when they get home!!

Have you got a sling? A baby carrier can be a real life saver. Even if howling in the house when you put it on , once walking in fresh air hopefully she'll be quiet and maybe drop off and you can have a moment to think your own thoughts. .a friend told me about the idea of active rest - when actual rest was an impossibility- and a bit of time for both of you outdoors could be very helpful to find some perspective.

Good luck!

The baby will be absolutely fine.

Everyone saying 'baby needs mum etc' Well - Mine was in nicu for weeks and had no choice but to be without me. As long as she is looked after that really is all that matters.

No, I wouldn't.

@Workyticket

The baby will be absolutely fine.

Everyone saying 'baby needs mum etc' Well - Mine was in nicu for weeks and had no choice but to be without me. As long as she is looked after that really is all that matters.

But if she had a choice, I'd imagine she'd have picked being with you rather than not...

10 week olds have needs, not choices.

It wasn't my choice either but needs must. The op needs a break and will be a much happier mum after a rest.

I think you need to speak to your parents. Tell them how much you're struggling and that you need him to come up and do his bit. Could he sleep in your room woth baby and you sleep on the couch? Then your Mom isnt walking in ro hom half naked on the sofa when sje jist wants her cornflakes and he can deal with ger night waking.

Also go back to the gp. You can prescribe carobel or gaviscon for reflux as well

She needs you not to collapse with exhaustion, so if this is what it takes - and you trust him to care for her - then do what you need to do. It’s not an ideal situation, but if you were hospitalised, or some other emergency, they would cope.

Could you go to your exes house? And all stay with the baby there for the weekend?
Or hire some accomodation somewhere half way for you all to stay in? Separate rooms of course!

No, I wouldn’t put her through it. He wouldn’t know what to do with her either!

Speak to h v and ask for review by paediatrician.

And the baby will be fine if needs are met by someone else to give you a break.

If you have funds pay experienced nanny?

I wouldn’t.

Is there really no B&B or AirBnB he can stay in?

Or where you can meet up?

I also had a high needs baby and my husband worked away a lot so I was on my own.

I'm sorry but there's just no way I could have done this. You'll probably spend the entire time worrying anyway, so it won't feel like a proper break.

He's the father biologically, but that means literally nothing to your baby. He's basically a stranger. This is a huge leap.

Totally appreciate you need some help but this is a last resort to me.

Cant you go to him and have a couple of relaxing days in a hotel ?

I think everyone has confirmed what I already was thinking. I agree that being the biological father means nothing to a baby unless they are physically present. I would probably just stress the whole time she was away from me anyway. I stay in a small village, there really is no available accommodation around my end due to the holidays. The break I'm looking for is literally my own bed for a couple of hours and a cup of tea in peace, I'm not fussed for meeting half way and booking myself into hotels etc.. I recon he will just need to visit every couple of weekends and I'll be there as well, that way baby will start to recognise and become familiar with him. I can also teach him the ways in a sense. Then hopefully when she is 6 months + she can build up to going down to his for a full weekend. It's hard co-parenting, especially when the other parent lives so far away, I really feel like i'm doing it on my own. I pray that she starts getting better and becoming slightly easier, the screaming and not sleeping really takes a toll on mother & baby.

You sound very sensible, it will get better, the first few months are very hard. My Dd had a very colicky prem baby last year, baby was either feeding, asleep or screaming on repeat for about 16 weeks. She was Brest fed so I couldn’t do much other than hold her while she screamed. You say your mum and dad give you a couple of hours at the weekend. Have you got some ear plugs? Put them in and go and have a sleep/long bath or go out for a walk for an hour, while they have her.and keep remembering it WILL get better.x

I think you’ve reached the right decision.

The baby would have been fine, in that no lasting damage would have been done because babies don’t remember these things. Certainly, compared to the discomfort and possible pain she’s in because of the reflux, it’s a relative thing. But that doesn’t mean she won’t know and notice your absence.

It really is so difficult, having a newborn with your DD’s issues. And you’re living with your parents who work FT and won’t necessarily love having a screaming baby around day and night.

Get your ex to book his accommodation now, for October. Have that in the diary to look forward to. Then - and I speak from experience - GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. It doesn’t matter what you look like, it doesn’t matter if DD screams for the first five or ten mins. Just out her know a carrier and walk walk walk.

It will be good for her and good for you. Do it in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening. Spend a good couple of hours outdoors each weekend day when your parents are home. Once DD is quiet, put your headphones in and listen to music or the news or a podcast. Just do something else other than baby baby baby, get outdoors, get DD outdoors and move around physically.

Good luck. It doesn’t last forever but it really is hard when you’re in the thick of it.

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

don't even need to read your post, the answer is yes

my youngest was 6 weeks old when I had biliary colic and spent 3 nights in hospital.
granted I did see him every day for about an hour because I had to pump & dump breastmilk and I just wanted to do at least one ff a day, but if I hadn't been able to see him at all he would've been perfectly fine.

so yes, it's ok.

If you'd read the post you would have seen that the father lives 3 hours away, the baby is high needs and barely knows him.

If it was a situation like this pps then yes. If you can crash with a friend while he does days then yes. Like you've laid out, it would be a cruelty to your baby.

Op your new plan sounds really sensible. Also, even without good accommodation, with train travel of 3 hours is doable twice in a day if he really wants to build this relationship, or perhaps he could even camp out with you, or pay a mate to crash on a couch? I struggle to imagine a situation where there is literally nothing he can do, and you need support, one of my babies was similar and I remember the exhaustion to my bones.

@pipko Congratulations on your baby. The first 12 weeks are the absolute hardest. It does get easier. Just want to say that you are doing an amazing job.

When the crying gets too much put her in her cot for 10 minutes or so, make yourself a cup of tea and put some headphones on and listen to something that makes you feel good. Then come back and pick her up.

My dd was quite difficult, love her to bits but my goodness the sleep deprivation and exhaustion, the crying etc is indescribably hard. Needed to be held by me all the time. I found giving myself little breaks as described above helped. I also got myself a rocking chair and she would settle in my arms to the rocking motion which also calmed and relaxed me. I’d sit there and rock her and watch my favourite shows on tv to give myself a break. I had bought a baby swing that was quite expensive but she did not like it at all. Wanted to be held by me all the time. I bought a baby sling and she did not like that either so I bought a baby carrier which I think was more comfortable for her. She settled in that and I had my hands free.

Experiment with different things and find what works for you and baby. It will get easier.